Unable to cry....again.

[findingreason]

So, when I started HRT over 2 years ago, after a few months into treatment, my emotions became alive. I felt like a living human being, and was able to genuinely laugh and cry. It was an amazing thing and felt like I was in touch with myself. Fast forward to now, and I'm having problems that I had before HRT. Emotionally cauterized, and unable to cry or enjoy things again. It sucks a lot, because crying is very cathartic for me. I wonder if I'm getting used to the hormone levels and things have leveled out. I also wonder if the severe depression over the last year and a half after losing my job, and so much life changes since that, may have something to do with it. Have any of you had this happen to you before?

[JB_Girl]

Ah lady,
My heart goes out to you.  I doubt very much if it has anything to do with HRT, but you can always have your E/T levels checked to ensure that nothing there is amiss.  I expect that depression is part of it. That would follow my pattern.  When the world is dark not only do I not laugh, but I cannot even find the passion to cry.  When nothing much matters, my emotional response is flat and uninterested.  Sometimes it seems that the hard time will never end and spring will never return.

Do you have a therapist?  I hope so because episodes of depression can be dealt with and your emotional life will rebound as you find your center.  I'll hold you in my meditation this evening and send you all the energy and strength that I have.

Peace,
JB

[big kim]

I wish I could, the last time was when I signed off Dad's DNR after I put my crucifix in his hand. I think I've become to hardened

[findingreason]

Ah lady,
My heart goes out to you.  I doubt very much if it has anything to do with HRT, but you can always have your E/T levels checked to ensure that nothing there is amiss.  I expect that depression is part of it. That would follow my pattern.  When the world is dark not only do I not laugh, but I cannot even find the passion to cry.  When nothing much matters, my emotional response is flat and uninterested.  Sometimes it seems that the hard time will never end and spring will never return.

Do you have a therapist?  I hope so because episodes of depression can be dealt with and your emotional life will rebound as you find your center.  I'll hold you in my meditation this evening and send you all the energy and strength that I have.

Peace,
JB

Thank you for keeping me in your meditation. <3 I appreciate it.

I think it may be possible it's depression; we'll find out after I start a new medication for it. I'll have my hormone levels checked in the next few months after I get referred to the endocrinologist here that specializes in transgender care. I do have a therapist, it's just I don't feel like much is helping at all....

I wish I could, the last time was when I signed off Dad's DNR after I put my crucifix in his hand. I think I've become to hardened

That's tough, I'm sorry.

[Sophia Sage]

There are so many reasons why you might be feeling this way, given your recent history. 

When it comes to emotional sensitivity and hormone regimens, from my own experience I've found that some kinds of changes have helped with this.  I have, over the years, had opportunity to bump up my hormone regimen, and I found greater emotional sensitivity during such changes... which would then plateau as my body reached homeostasis. 

But you can't up everything forever.  So just in the last six to seven weeks, I've started a cycling regimen -- to follow the peaks and valleys of estradiol and progesterone that most women experience over the course of every month. (I still take the same total "dose" over that month; it just varies week-to-week.) Anyways, I've definitely found this period to be much more emotionally acute, and yes, cathartic. Something you might want to talk about with your doctor.

[Nancys Girl]

Dear findingreason,

Your post went straight to my deepest core.  I've had a very long relationship with major depression and all the treats that go along with it: practically every medication available, 10 years of talk therapy, a suicide attempt, and ECT.  Nothing really helped until HRT.  I didn't write this to tell you my troubles- rather to say that I always experienced depression as a lack of emotion, not as sadness.  Someone once said that hugging someone when you're depressed is like leaning against a door.  I think that pretty much says it.  I agree with what you wrote- that this is what's causing your down time.  I hope you can find some help, and wish you all my best.  I know what you're going through.

[DawnOday]

So, when I started HRT over 2 years ago, after a few months into treatment, my emotions became alive. I felt like a living human being, and was able to genuinely laugh and cry. It was an amazing thing and felt like I was in touch with myself. Fast forward to now, and I'm having problems that I had before HRT. Emotionally cauterized, and unable to cry or enjoy things again. It sucks a lot, because crying is very cathartic for me. I wonder if I'm getting used to the hormone levels and things have leveled out. I also wonder if the severe depression over the last year and a half after losing my job, and so much life changes since that, may have something to do with it. Have any of you had this happen to you before?

I can understand your pain as I was let go after twenty years. I had the audacity to have a heart defect that took a long time to recover from. Then I had a TIA mini stroke. It did steal a few brain cells. My IQ fell about 10 points. Then I spent two years and over 2000 resumes before Boeing called me to be a production control SME. Spent 10 years with them before I had a massive heart attack. In the first instance my job and 1000 others went to Mexico. In the second, 19 people were let go in my purchasing department. I was one of them. So for thirty years I did the job expertly and now because I had a heart attack I lost all my abilities. If that was so why do the metrics say otherwise. It turns out of the 19 people laid off all of us were over 50 and had medical baggage. Or jobs were sent to India. I cried a lot. Each time I mailed out one of my 2000 resumes, while researching each of the companies I applied for. I even checked for jobs outside my Los Angelesish hometown. Crying is cathartic for so many reasons. Now that I am retired, I don't have to worry anymore.

[findingreason]

But you can't up everything forever.  So just in the last six to seven weeks, I've started a cycling regimen -- to follow the peaks and valleys of estradiol and progesterone that most women experience over the course of every month. (I still take the same total "dose" over that month; it just varies week-to-week.) Anyways, I've definitely found this period to be much more emotionally acute, and yes, cathartic. Something you might want to talk about with your doctor.

This has crossed my mind more than once, that having varied levels like a natal born female would possibly help resolve that. I will be seeing an endo in the next few months, so I will bring it up as a possibility.

Dear findingreason,

Your post went straight to my deepest core.  I've had a very long relationship with major depression and all the treats that go along with it: practically every medication available, 10 years of talk therapy, a suicide attempt, and ECT.  Nothing really helped until HRT.  I didn't write this to tell you my troubles- rather to say that I always experienced depression as a lack of emotion, not as sadness.  Someone once said that hugging someone when you're depressed is like leaning against a door.  I think that pretty much says it.  I agree with what you wrote- that this is what's causing your down time.  I hope you can find some help, and wish you all my best.  I know what you're going through.

Yeah, I definitely relate in the experience of depression as a lack of emotion. It's like everything is just...nothing. I want to feel again. Hopefully my psychiatrist can help as well with trying a different antidepressant.

I can understand your pain as I was let go after twenty years. I had the audacity to have a heart defect that took a long time to recover from. Then I had a TIA mini stroke. It did steal a few brain cells. My IQ fell about 10 points. Then I spent two years and over 2000 resumes before Boeing called me to be a production control SME. Spent 10 years with them before I had a massive heart attack. In the first instance my job and 1000 others went to Mexico. In the second, 19 people were let go in my purchasing department. I was one of them. So for thirty years I did the job expertly and now because I had a heart attack I lost all my abilities. If that was so why do the metrics say otherwise. It turns out of the 19 people laid off all of us were over 50 and had medical baggage. Or jobs were sent to India. I cried a lot. Each time I mailed out one of my 2000 resumes, while researching each of the companies I applied for. I even checked for jobs outside my Los Angelesish hometown. Crying is cathartic for so many reasons. Now that I am retired, I don't have to worry anymore.

That is tough, I'm sorry. I can relate with that since my job was let go of because of state budget cuts in Connecticut.

[Kylo]

I'm not in your situation nor was I someone who enjoyed crying in the past, but even long before HRT crying wasn't something I had on tap. It would have had to be caused by feeling particularly stressed or lousy about something, even back when I had natal female hormone levels.

If you're on antidepressants they're designed to stop you from feeling extremes of emotions and muffle the emotional response to stimuli. Probably why you can't cry so easily. If crying is good for you, perhaps you'd be better off ditching the ADs. I never did stay on any type of them longer than 3 months as feeling nothing was always worse than feeling something, to me.