I am in a sort of similar situation with my wife. She knew from day 1 about my "Gender Issues" some 40 years ago. Before and during our On/Off early years I had 2 utter-fail transition "experiments", which she also knew the details of. The end result of these experiments was settling on being "Just a Cross-Dresser". She was cool with that level of GD management along with my monthly much needed escapes from maleness.
Then 8 years ago the excrement hit the air-handler, once again. I wound up having too much "Quality Time" alone without much more then my thoughts, especially the ones I tried so hard to avoid. I came to the conclusion I needed to take the trans-beast on for real. I got involved with a super support group, eventually started seeing a therapist to help shed a ton of emotional baggage, and a bunch of other things to help heal myself. Initially any sort of transition wasn't on my RADAR. Been there tried it twice.
Yet, my wife wasn't too thrilled with this level of escalation. My support group members were either well along the transition route or crossed the finish line. At the time I was living some 350 miles away in rural WV. A sort of out of sight, out of mind situation for us both. As I grew as a person she began to appreciate the benefits of it too. After 2 years I was starting part-time living as female and achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Something again my wife wasn't too thrilled about considering where I was living. After a time of crises for her, she was the one to say "I think you are ready to start HRT".
Just about 4 years ago both our prayers were answered when an old boss of mine called and asked if I wanted my dream job back. This also meant a seismic shift in my life when I moved back to our home in this bucolic "Village" just outside NYC where the villagers have plenty of pitch forks and torches to chase after the monsters. No way, no how would my wife approve of Joanne walking out of the house in the light of day. (The PC "Villagers" already responded as expected to a simple rumor about her being trans. Proof of a freak would be far worse)
Whenever I broached the subject of coming out more, like to my sister, to help me loose just a bit of the shame and guilt, her response is one of the arguments I played in my head; "Why? What good will come of it when there is no reason to right now?". Which, when even going part-time again was out of the question any time soon between her health, and other obligations, besides the villagers.
Her main concern has always been about my safety and well being. As afraid as she was when I was in red-neck territory. I tend to side with her about "The Villagers". Two negative transition experiences back 35-40 years still haunt me. The sad stats every TDOR is yet another reminder, and then the slow news day story on the radio of yet another TG being attacked in NYC.
I don't doubt deep down inside there is another reason. "I did not marry a woman", another favorite line a few years back that still surfaces on occasion. Presenting as female inside the house she is OK with, as long as the "Blackout shades and curtains" are drawn. Coming out to others, even my sister, or stepping outside, is yet another level of escalation. One she was insulated from when I was in WV. Now it is front and center
So now after 4 years of treading water at the intersection of Hopelessness and Futility, I am in the midst of an existential crises. Eight years ago one of my wife's favorite lines was "No one in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman", followed by a litany of reasons why not. Today I see no hope of that woman part any time before 70 for me at the rate of change, often in the wrong direction, around here. After a succession of manure storms almost 2 months ago I broke. Joanne had to go. One source of frustration and pain I had at least some control over.
Today, a month or so later, I am once again dead on the inside. No joy. No hopes wishes or dreams, not even the one I harbored for decades that finally came true for a short time. I'm not that same dead person I was before, but give it time. Keeping up with the HRT helps there.
Ironically, my wife is now saying how much she misses Joanne. Even the female presenting version she'd see would see most mornings. Of course there is the still trying to keep up a happy positive facade of a person I need to be for her that is all the harder to do full time when dead, hopeless, and joyless on the inside.
The lesson here is in time she may come around as she see's positive changes happening for you both. Along the way compromises are always made. Just as with any other aspects of a shared life. The needs of the individuals balanced against the needs of "The Us". A three way balancing act or more. Not too easy and takes time and practice.
Sometimes it ain't going to happen and a unilateral command decision is needed letting the chips fall where they may
