As I mentioned in my introductory post, I told my future wife way back in 1980 that I was trans. I don't think I used that word as I probably didn't know it yet.

She was very supportive and over the years we've discussed this from time-to-time. My dysphoria varies in intensity and right now I'm going through an especially difficult stretch.

Since first telling my wife, I've shared this part of me with a small group of people, including my sister, my doctor and some therapists. To some degree, my wife was upset with each revelation.

I have no plans to transition but I'm no longer afraid to have others know about this very important part of who I am. My wife is terrified of this becoming publicly known. She says this is private and doesn't want people to start making assumptions about us knowing this information.

I'm not looking to make an announcement, but I'm tired to pretending this is a top secret national security issue. Any tips on how she can become more comfortable having this information known?

I have no idea what kind of life you lead, but there are risks involved for most people who make that kind of information public. You're far more likely to damage your male privilege and everything that comes with that with those public revelations. Since you're a married couple, I can see why she would see this as problematic. You aren't just outing yourself, you're outing her too. If you aren't going to transition, how is this advantageous to your relationship?

Like I said, I can think of a lot of situations where none of this matters, but the devils in the details.

I have to disagree with emmaloo here. My partner has been very resistive of any step toward being open about my identity, especially where it comes to her family and was ok with me being femme in private but spent most of a month not talking about it when I decided I needed to transition. Like you, OP, she's known this about me since we first dated, it's been 18.5 years now.

I interpret this as transphobia and as protecting herself from being labeled as involved with a female person. Now as her family goes, I hardly ever see them so it may never come up. For the record the one person I'm choosing not to be out with is my mother but she's an abuser and I have personal safety reasons there.

I'm basically not ok with catering to transphobia and this may eventually be an issue between myself and my partner. For the moment it's not a practical issue and I'm simply sticking with things I can address for now.

Don't think it's the loss of male privilege that's for either of you as much as what other people think, for your wife. It's part of musterbation, which is I must behave a certain way to be acceptable to others, others must behave a certain way to be acceptable to me and the world must be a certain way to be acceptable way. These core beliefs are formed before we're 10 years old and cause most of our problems and aren't limited to individuals. Groups enforce this as well, which is part of the problem. At least in beliefs that lead to negative outcomes, which is most, IMO.


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I hope this helps: I've been denying my true self since I met my wife. I identified as lesbian but was crossdressing, using men's bathrooms, not using gender specific pronouns, etc for years before I met her. She has always been terrified of me being Trans and knew far more about me than I was willing to admit. Years and years of hearing "I don't want to be with a man". She did encourage my butchness though. I've kept it all inside fighting dysphoria and a massive female puberty as I got older and fatter. It's to a point where I definitely don't pass. After 14 years of being together, I've caught her cheating for the second time and will be filing for divorce. I also am going to begin transitioning. The only thing that matters to me now is my mental wellbeing. The relationships that I have with others will be dealt with on a case by case basis. I spent way too long not being true myself. This is the first time in a very long time that I've felt free.

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Quote from: ToniDatyga on May 26, 2017, 09:19:06 AM
I hope this helps: I've been denying my true self since I met my wife. I identified as lesbian but was crossdressing, using men's bathrooms, not using gender specific pronouns, etc for years before I met her. She has always been terrified of me being Trans and knew far more about me than I was willing to admit. Years and years of hearing "I don't want to be with a man". She did encourage my butchness though. I've kept it all inside fighting dysphoria and a massive female puberty as I got older and fatter. It's to a point where I definitely don't pass. After 14 years of being together, I've caught her cheating for the second time and will be filling for divorce. I also am going to begin transitioning. The only thing that matters to me now is my mental wellbeing. The relationships that I have with others will be dealt with on a case by case basis. I spent way too long not being true myself. This is the first time in a very long time that I've felt free.

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Sorry for interrupting the thread but I need to welcome someone.

Toni,

Hi and welcome to the site. Thanks for joining. Thank you also for sharing that personal history. It is brave of you. I read your other post and you mourn your loss of sex drive. I am not an expert but most of the trans guys I know, have had a surge in desire when starting T. Soooo, who knows.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

PS Now back to the subject that was at hand.

Thank you!

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I would suggest finding a local support group, eventually bringing your wife to meet with the SOFFA group to share their information. SOFFA  Significant Others, Family, Friends, Allies. As with most everything, education is necessary to understand why and how we have become the people we are. Granted research is scarce. but there is enough information to ease your burden of having to come up with an explanation of your own. Consult the above wiki's and links. Check back often as we are trying to keep the list up to date and finding new sites and services to add every day. I assume from your moniker you live in New Jersey. Here is one of the nationwide support groups, I was able to find two others on the links.   http://www.bergenpflag.com/transgender-support/   http://www.njsg.org/  http://www.pridecenter.org/group/trueselves/


Hugs   Dawn

Therapy is great to talk through these sort of issues. Couples therapy at some point too. I wills say that intense worry about public perception - "what will the neighbors think?" is the sign of a couple of issues (at least): One is insecurity and sort of putting the world at large above respecting or caring for yourself and two, a sense that there is something shameful about gender variance.

So by helping yourself, you might end up helping her to move off of these issues and get more peace about it.

You are beautiful and I can't imagine that anyone sees anything but a beautiful woman!

You can't live your life "on someone else's rules"
For people viewing you, you are two woman living together----whether you come out or not.

I chose to become androgynous---so if a person greets me as a female, I am ok----if they great me as a man, that's ok too.  I could not live this way  until my children were grown----but I am "just me"-----and people can try to label me all they want----What really counts is what YOU feel.
Hugs
AJ

I am in a sort of similar situation with my wife. She knew from day 1 about my "Gender Issues" some 40 years ago. Before and during our On/Off early years I had 2 utter-fail transition "experiments", which she also knew the details of. The end result of these experiments was settling on being "Just a Cross-Dresser". She was cool with that level of GD management along with my monthly much needed escapes from maleness.

Then 8 years ago the excrement hit the air-handler, once again. I wound up having too much "Quality Time" alone without much more then my thoughts, especially the ones I tried so hard to avoid. I came to the conclusion I needed to take the trans-beast on for real. I got involved with a super support group, eventually started seeing a therapist to help shed a ton of emotional baggage, and a bunch of other things to help heal myself. Initially any sort of transition wasn't on my RADAR. Been there tried it twice.

Yet, my wife wasn't too thrilled with this level of escalation. My support group members were either well along the transition route or crossed the finish line. At the time I was living some 350 miles away in rural WV. A sort of out of sight, out of mind situation for us both. As I grew as a person she began to appreciate the benefits of it too. After 2 years I was starting part-time living as female and achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Something again my wife wasn't too thrilled about considering where I was living. After a time of crises for her, she was the one to say "I think you are ready to start HRT".

Just about 4 years ago both our prayers were answered when an old boss of mine called and asked if I wanted my dream job back. This also meant a seismic shift in my life when I moved back to our home in this bucolic "Village" just outside NYC where the villagers have plenty of pitch forks and torches to chase after the monsters. No way, no how would my wife approve of Joanne walking out of the house in the light of day. (The PC "Villagers" already responded as expected to a simple rumor about her being trans. Proof of a freak would be far worse)

Whenever I broached the subject of coming out more, like to my sister, to help me loose just a bit of the shame and guilt, her response is one of the arguments I played in my head; "Why? What good will come of it when there is no reason to right now?". Which, when even going part-time again was out of the question any time soon between her health, and other obligations, besides the villagers.

Her main concern has always been about my safety and well being. As afraid as she was when I was in red-neck territory. I tend to side with her about "The Villagers". Two negative transition experiences back 35-40 years still haunt me. The sad stats every TDOR is yet another reminder, and then the slow news day story on the radio of yet another TG being attacked in NYC.

I don't doubt deep down inside there is another reason. "I did not marry a woman", another favorite line a few years back that still surfaces on occasion. Presenting as female inside the house she is OK with, as long as the "Blackout shades and curtains" are drawn. Coming out to others, even my sister, or stepping outside, is yet another level of escalation. One she was insulated from when I was in WV. Now it is front and center

So now after 4 years of treading water at the intersection of Hopelessness and Futility, I am in the midst of an existential crises. Eight years ago one of my wife's favorite lines was "No one in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman", followed by a litany of reasons why not. Today I see no hope of that woman part any time before 70 for me at the rate of change, often in the wrong direction, around here. After a succession of manure storms almost 2 months ago I broke. Joanne had to go. One source of frustration and pain I had at least some control over. 

Today, a month or so later, I am once again dead on the inside. No joy. No hopes wishes or dreams, not even the one I harbored for decades that finally came true for a short time. I'm not that same dead person I was before, but give it time. Keeping up with the HRT helps there.

Ironically, my wife is now saying how much she misses Joanne. Even the female presenting version she'd see would see most mornings. Of course there is the still trying to keep up a happy positive facade of a person I need to be for her that is all the harder to do full time when dead, hopeless, and joyless on the inside.

The lesson here is in time she may come around as she see's positive changes happening for you both.  Along the way compromises are always made. Just as with any other aspects of a shared life. The needs of the individuals balanced against the needs of "The Us". A three way balancing act or more. Not too easy and takes time and practice.

Sometimes it ain't going to happen and a unilateral command decision is needed letting the chips fall where they may 

I'm in a similar place to you and joanneb. I've slowed the process to a crawl and I see a therapist. It's trying to to find a balance between progress and too much dysphoria, which has gotten more intense when it happens. I feel like I'm being pulled along, not so much against my will, but involuntary like when you have to pee or something like that. She wants to get out because she doesn't want to die. I don't have anything new to add insofar as solutions, but I really get it.


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Hi Becky, sorry to hear of your struggle.  I keep a plaque on my wall with the words of Seneca "If you would have another keep a secret, first keep it yourself." It's pretty hard to keep things like this under wraps once you let even a few people in on it. I guess the good news is that it's becoming far more acceptable in many more places to have and express elements of gender identity that don't fit sadly traditional norms.

The fact that your wife has been on board, at least to a degree, suggests that she does have an interest both in staying together and in your welfare and happiness.  You probably have a much higher chance of working through this than I did with my ex-wife.  Hope you can find a way and a place to work on it together. 

Erin

It's all about balance...finding what matters to you most versus what you are willing to give.  Is living as your true self more important than your relationship?  Perhaps, like me, I was unwilling to continue a relationship with my wife and the world based of a incorrect fact...that I am not a man.  I would rather have less of a relationship with those that I care about...but have it based on the real me.  For example my wife and I are still legally married but we no longer refer to ourselves as husband and wife (even wife and wife).....we are now partners.  We are free, if wanted, to seek out others to be intimate with.  We are now BFFs....girlfriends. 

For me the thing that was literally killing me was the false life.  I would rather lose privilege and intimacy than lose my life.   

I hope this helps in some way.