*Update* I am starting to accept reality

[Amoré]

About a month ago I wrote a post on how I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel I can't be without her. Well after a few therapy sessions and a period of no contact except for her sending me statements of accounts for my child I have been slowly getting over her.

I was busy writing a response to her about how everything is her fault and memories about what I have done started popping up.

An interesting thing that happened is that I realized not all of it was her fault why things went south. I sort of blocked out all the bad things I have done that made her decision justifiable. She did give me the chance after I came out to stay a man but all that I was doing was gasping for air drowning in dysphoria and depression. I wanted to transition and frighted the whole way too let her allow me too and stay with me and not divorce or leave me. I only saw myself in this period and no one else's pain around me. I was only worried about being able to transition and keep everything I have. I wanted my toast buttered on both sides where I could only have one side.

She did not want to be with a woman. It is as simple as that. I flipped out big time with depression as a driver. I could not function in life I could not work I was paralyzed by dysphoria and depression till a couple of months that I moved out and managed to drag my sorry butt back into the world. I only started seeing life again when I started transitioning and got a new lease on life in that way. But still I wanted to turn back and go back to my past the whole time. I blamed everything on her and did not see the part I played in the whole destruction of the marriage. Today I feel like I have better insight as to what went wrong and why she divorced.

I am sitting and wondering what would have happened did I stay a man. Would I have flipped out even more eventually killing myself. I hanged myself in the bedroom and she cut me down just in time. My child saw that. How stupid was I?

I realize today that there was nothing I could do to stop divorce after that I should have just left as I was asked and respect her wishes. I only caused myself even more pain and rejection after that and made her resent me even more by trying to patch things up and begging for a second chance and being stubborn and not going my own way.
Would you stay with your spouse after two serious suicide attempts? Would you rather leave them because you can't be with them as a woman and let them transition?

I am sitting today and doubt if I would stay with my boyfriend if he was transgender and wanted to transition. I want normality in my life. What I was doing was not what she wanted and no matter how hard she convinced herself it is what she wanted it was not.

I think I have some sort of regret about it all and how I acted. Divorce was my fault in the end and I got what I deserved. She was not a walk in the park herself and have part in it all also till today she still is emotional abusive and a narcissist but that is who she is.

At least I get to live a life now as who I am with someone that loves me in all my ->-bleeped-<-. In the end I got my second chance at life and have the oppertunity to treat my dysphoria and get help for my condition by transitioning. In the end it is what I wanted but with a steep price.

[SiobhánF]

I'm in the same boat. I never attempted, but I've had serious intentions. My wife said the same thing; that she could not be with a woman because she's not a lesbian. My wife is also a lot like yours: emotionally abusive and narcissistic. Can't say that I'm not a narcissist, myself, but I've recognized it and am trying to use it in a positive way. Really, though, we fight like sisters when we get into it, with the difference being that I start shutting people out and go depresso (not a word; it's just how I describe what I do). It's no wonder that we're seen as "twin flames"; we're too much alike, yet we're so different. We decided to remain best friends by separating and then, later, we will divorce. We want to stay part of each other's life, but we can't live together anymore.

[Amoré]

It sucks being put in that position by our condition. I had to meet her new boyfriend today that did not help alot and only made the cut deeper. I can only hope that she finds happiness in this new person and that he is everything she wanted. I could not be that man due to actually having a female gender identity. It sucks but she is not attracted to femininity. I don't know what I am bitching about because I am in a new relationship and it is going well, sometimes I have regret and wish I could be that man and feel that I failed. But it is only to save myself the pain of not having my child with me. I don't know how you can be in a relationship and still long back to the previous one at times. Even though I do get to be female in this one and live as female. 

[JeanetteLW]

  Hi Amoré,

  Your post shows you have come a long ways towards your recovery. I call it recovery because what you have done is taken a long hard look at yourself and your part in your break up with your ex. I always takes two in any dispute. Each person plays a part it the conflict and neither is blameless. Taking this step of looking at your part in it is what , in AA, we would call taking the 4th step. "Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"  This step is a foundation step in recovery as it makes one looks at what has gone wrong in their life and their part in it. Which of course sets the stage for dealing with it. This is where you are now. Now you can work on moving on with your life and be grateful for it. Now that you have admitted your part in it you cam work on forgiving yourself and perhaps forgive your ex for her part too. I was able to do that with mine. I eventually was able to see some of it from her side and come to the conclusion that divorcing me was probably the best thing she could do for herself at the time and wish her well. That ended my part in her affairs. I was able to let go and let her live her life without me in it.
  Amoré, you post is growth, it is healing, it is acceptance, and it is a fine step in moving on with you life as you want to live it. You are a better person for writing it. I'll bet though it hurt to admit your part, it was also a relief to do so. 
   
   Good Job, Amoré.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Amoré]

I eventually was able to see some of it from her side and come to the conclusion that divorcing me was probably the best thing she could do for herself at the time and wish her well.

I would agree with this as the best thing she could have done for herself. She had to look after herself because I was funking out. I could not contain the dysphoria beast anymore I could not tame it. I was a lose canon. I should have walked away instead of pleading for her to have mercy on me and give me a chance to come back as a husband and a father. I think all that rejection that I can't be a husband because I am transgender only made my dysphoria worse. It was one of the pillars of justifying my transition. I told myself I can't be a husband for her because I am trans so how would I be a husband for anyone. I asked myself how long would it be before I funk out again and maybe in a new relationship with another woman after I put up the whole male persona again. What if that woman walks out if she finds out I have gender dysphoria. I would rather transition then and give my new partner a transgender woman and have nothing to hide.

[Rachel]

I Amore,

I am happy for you. It is a very painful process and you have a new start.

In my situation when I realized it would be better for both of us if we divorced then it was much easier to accept. We both have a right to be ourselves and we had some really great experiences together as well as some really painful. When I realized we love each other but not as married people then I accepted divorce was the best option.

My wife said she could not be married with a woman. I remember the last time we tried to have sex. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she said I just can not do this. I can not express how bad that feeling felt but I knew it was over.

We tried to stay together but the marriage was over. It was time to move on.

[Amoré]

My wife said she could not be married with a woman. I remember the last time we tried to have sex. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she said I just can not do this. I can not express how bad that feeling felt but I knew it was over.

We tried to stay together but the marriage was over. It was time to move on.

The last time me and my ex tried to have sex I was the one that could not bring myself around. I just could not do it and sat sobbing as she watched because it just felt wrong being in a masculine role. I am very emotional today and not jumping through the roof with joy it is really a ->-bleeped-<-ty feeling. But I have to move on also.

[SiobhánF]

I don't know how you can be in a relationship and still long back to the previous one at times.

She's the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with. I've been married to her for 14 years and we have children together. It's difficult for me to move on. I imagine that I'll move on over time, but it's not going to be easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. I hope my wife and I find people to fill that gap in our lives; people that make us happy and that we genuinely love and respect. That's all I want for us and our children.

[Amoré]

She's the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with. I've been married to her for 14 years and we have children together. It's difficult for me to move on. I imagine that I'll move on over time, but it's not going to be easy, as I'm sure it wasn't easy for you. I hope my wife and I find people to fill that gap in our lives; people that make us happy and that we genuinely love and respect. That's all I want for us and our children.

I am so sorry for your situation. I know exactly how you feel. I wished I had your insight when I was in this situation and just walked away. It seems that you want to move on where I didn't want too and was hoping that she would change her mind and take me back. I literal crawled on my knees in front of her like a slave begging her to give me a chance. I did not want to accept my reality and go my own way and carve my new path in life. I stopped my transition for her that she can see I want to stay a man for her. But still I was a coward I smothered her I did not give her space. I was there every day and night begging her giving her reasons why we should try to work things out. Well I drove her away in the process. I believe I would have been much better off today emotionally if I did not do this. But in that period I saw what hurt me the most that I was in fact female and that I needed to transition if she did not take me back.

[SiobhánF]

I hear you. I was tempted to do the same, but I fortunately realized early enough that my efforts would have been futile and in vain, and that the end was inevitable. I made a promise to myself to break any illusions I have about anything. If I were to try and stay a male for anybody, I would be forcing the illusion upon myself and others even longer.

[Amoré]

I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

[jentay1367]

I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

Obviously, the love affair is over. But you know what? You guys saw something in each other when you met. You share life you've both given together. If I were in your position I would become her best cheerleader. By that I mean I would shower her with positivity and all the help I could possibly give her. I'd tell her that even though I couldn't be her man, that I'd love and respect her till the day she dies. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I'd be there. If she needs a girlfriend to laugh and gossip with I'd be there. If she meets a nice guy that treats her right....I'd revel in that with her. In other words, I'd do all I could to make myself her bestie. Turn this all into something awesome. Take the lemons and make lemonade.....I mean.....why not?? It's good for you, it's good for her...it's good for the kids. Nothing good can come of anything less. And who knows what could blossom from being her advocate. With whatever path you choose, I wish you all the luck in the world.

[SiobhánF]

I agree with you on this that we only live an illusion. We only put forward an illusion to people that is actually the opposite of who we feel we are. Well in the end I would have lived that illusion for the rest of my life if I did not transition. I would have never expressed who I feel I am. I tried to in subtle ways though.

In the end I found new love and she deserves love also. I found a new life and she must also. There will never be a life where we would be as much as friends in this reality there is just too much damage. But each to their own. I must leave her and let it be. I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

Indeed. Do what you need to do. We are who we are and doing something that goes against that is a form of violence against ourselves. I am of like mind, in that she deserves to be happy as much as you do (I've told my wife the same and I support her in whatever decision she makes for her own life). If you feel the itch to make a friendly connection, don't ignore it. I think Jentay said everything else I might have wanted to touch on. Do what you will, but make sure that it's right for you. You'll figure out the rest.

[Amoré]

It would have been awesome to be friends but unfortunately in my case the cut is too deep for both of us. I don't think there is hope to rekindle a friendship out of this as the site of her makes me uncomfortable. It makes me that I want to go back to my family my family was always more important to me than myself and transitioning.That family is gone now but I still want it. I still beat myself up till this day that I could not beat the depression and the pain of gender dysphoria. That the only way out was transitioning. If I see her I beat myself up even more. She made it clear that we will never ever be friends. I respect that also.

[jentay1367]

I apreciate what you've stated. Does that mean you cant be kind and respectful of her regardless of how she speaks to you?  Are you saying that there's no way for you to be the adult in the room and just set down the animosity and anger? If your children truly do come first then be kind to her under any and all circumstances.  Even in the face of her anger and belittling tirades. If she shows you this much contempt, always keep in mind that the oppositeof love is not hate, it's indifference. If she has the energy to show you so much contempt, it means she still cares on some level. If she didn't,  she would simply never speak to or of you ever again. That's how it works when you're truly done with someone. Your kids deserve both of you...see if you can't get her and yourself to understand that perspective. They need their parents.

[LizK]

I have to move on step by step and forgive myself eventually. It is for the best.

You are being very hard on yourself. You didn't choose to be trans, you didn't choose GD, you didn't make this situation happen, life dealt this hand to both you and your wife, your choices are only about how you deal with it, neither of you get to choose wether you have it or not.

Don't blame yourself for fighting GD, you were only doing what society told you that you had to do...it is in our nature as humans to fight for survival..in the beginning of your life that meant, surviving as a man, for you to be able to one day live as a woman.

Liz

[Amoré]

I apreciate what you've stated. Does that mean you cant be kind and respectful of her regardless of how she speaks to you?  Are you saying that there's no way for you to be the adult in the room and just set down the animosity and anger? If your children truly do come first then be kind to her under any and all circumstances.  Even in the face of her anger and belittling tirades. If she shows you this much contempt, always keep in mind that the oppositeof love is not hate, it's indifference. If she has the energy to show you so much contempt, it means she still cares on some level. If she didn't,  she would simply never speak to or of you ever again. That's how it works when you're truly done with someone. Your kids deserve both of you...see if you can't get her and yourself to understand that perspective. They need their parents.

I actually are kind and respectful towards her. When there is interacting it is calm I keep my feelings to myself as I have a boyfriend now I can't let them slip. I normally just listen and say as little as possible if there is a conversation about something.We share a child after all. Maybe one day after the no contact period it would be better when my feelings for her subsided. When she can stand in front of me with her new partner and I don't wish I could go back and fix everything and be that man for her.It is only a wish a dream it is part of my regret I guess. I have to accept that I can't go back and that is what I am working on I can't fix the past.

I am trying to understand why I am where I am today as this transgender woman. Why divorce happened and she took that path. Seeing what part I played in it. Knowing she did beg me to not transition and to cope with dysphoria and stay a man and I blew the chance I had because she gave up and believe I could not cope and stay a man and even if I did stay a man she had a fear of me breaking down again in the future. She feared that I would commit suicide on her watch. I think I would respect a friend choice of divorcing her husband if he did what I did. I would respect her choice if she can't be with him anymore because she feels that he lied to her for years about who he was. I would understand if she could not be with a woman. If she got fed up. Why doesn't my ex deserve the same respect ,I was in the wrong.

[Dani]

I am in a similar situation.

Even without my transitioning, we have been slowly drifting in two different directions for over 10 years. We do not do anything substantial together anymore.

No drama. No crying. No threats. Just doing what each of us wants to do as individuals, which does not include each other.

[Amoré]

I am in a similar situation.

Even without my transitioning, we have been slowly drifting in two different directions for over 10 years. We do not do anything substantial together anymore.

No drama. No crying. No threats. Just doing what each of us wants to do as individuals, which does not include each other.

I wish I could have done that with my ex. I was clingy needy, could not have her go her own way. I threatened her manipulated her I was a bad person.

[SiobhánF]

I wish I could have done that with my ex. I was clingy needy, could not have her go her own way. I threatened her manipulated her I was a bad person.

You weren't a bad person. You were clinging to something that wasn't going to last and you were trying to keep what wasn't yours; her freedom of choice. Now, you have the hindsight to realize that you made mistakes and you are more aware of your emotions and can control yourself more. You grew as a person and that's not a bad thing. You're in a better place because of the conflict you went through. You are wiser; stronger.