*Update* I am starting to accept reality

[Rambler]

It does feel like that you feel like you are being pulled in separate ways by to forces. I also take it one day at a time that is how I got this far. My biggest concern is that my child wants nothing to do with me one day for some religious reason or something. Her mom told me one of the reasons she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

That's such a difficult situation to be in. Fundies drive me nuts. Have you thought about enrolling your daughter in a few therapy sessions or seeking out some kind d of support group for children of trans parents to help her understand everything you are going through and what it means for you and her?

[RobynD]

she can't be with me is because it is wrong in the eyes of God to be with a transgender person. So she can't be with me as that is one of the many reasons. I am scared she brainwashes my child.

Don't you love it when people speak for the creator of the universe? Curiously the theological point always seems to align with whatever they want it to. The truth is that if she is a Christian there is nothing that says a transgender person is wrong. The verses in scripture that some believe mention it, are few and translated back to greek mean something else entirely.

I understand totally your fear about the child but generally those who seek to use religion as a way to teach people to exclude or hate, are finding less than fertile fields with today's youth. They are too open to the world to be satisfied with that.

If your ex is ever open to it one of the foremost books that Christians seem to reference these days on the subject is "Gender Dysphoria: by the author Yarhouse. Although it is not perfect or entirely accepting, he clearly advocates levels of acceptance, states that transgender actions are not sinful and believes that churches should welcome "gender variant or questioning" people into their ranks. He even goes as far as to say that transition is consistent with Christian doctrine under the right circumstances.

[Amoré]

Amore,

   I can relate to your worries in regards to your wife's religious beliefs. The same is getting in the way of my daughter and family accepting me being trans too. She believes I can be fixed if only I give myself to God. She believes I have some hidden trauma from my childhood that is responsible for my failure as a father and husband, my drug abuse and alcoholism, and now my "thinking I am Trans". There is no defense or reasoning with someone that believes this way.
   I understand your fear and feel your pain. But it is survivable.

Hugs,
Jeanette or Laura, maybe both

I can relate too this. I too was pushed by people who believed if I give myself too God and this problem he would save me. It is a funny story I went too church the one day with her some friends and my child and they told us we must talk to the priest after church. He was there making people faint with the power of God doing his thing. Now Imagine this I cam up too him her standing next too me and in front of all these people waiting for his miracles told him I am trans and our marriage is on the rocks because of it. The guy went pale and all this people is like come on fix him make him want to be a man. He was like I cant take it away but here is a number of the church therapist. Now the church session was quite something as it was about how God made man and woman and how they fit into each other lives and stuff like that. So the man that preached that can't fix me. I was still told after that just take it too God he will heal you.

Today I believe God made me transgender. It is just how it is and I don't resent him for that I am a christian myself.

My ex also believed at a stage that it stems from childhood trauma and because I was molested as a child. Well I was transgender before that and wanted to be a girl before that because I have a girls mind.

[Amoré]

That's such a difficult situation to be in. Fundies drive me nuts. Have you thought about enrolling your daughter in a few therapy sessions or seeking out some kind d of support group for children of trans parents to help her understand everything you are going through and what it means for you and her?

She is only 3 turning 4 in august and is happy with who I am at this stage she just accepts it. She even say I am a girl if you ask her. I am worried when she gets a bit older her mom might get into her head. But she did not understand that I am a woman totally at a stage and she went for therapy and is still attending it also because she is really bitter because of  the divorce.

[Amoré]

This morning I woke up and just had the strangest feeling while waiting for my snooze alarm to go off. I felt at home and at peace for the first time in about 3 years. It was this calm feeling washing over me. I thought back to where I started on my transition journey and going full time. I remember how I felt unsure the whole time of is this right for me. Today it felt right. I felt that I am supposed to be this woman laying in bed next to my boyfriend. It felt that all the pain was in a way worth it.

I always from that I started transition felt that I should have been somewhere else as a man. Doing what is right instead of doing what I should do for myself to survive dysphoria and be happy.

I never had this feeling in my life I was always walking on eggshells constantly self aware of how I act what I can do as a man and things. Today I can just be me. I think this feeling was drowned by my need to be male because I thought that would bring my child back under my roof and I can go back to where I was before. Now I realize nothing can reconstruct that life. There is only here and now and the future. Me being a woman in it. My need to be male made me uneasy in my own skin. I looked in the mirror and felt wrong still even when I see the woman looking back.  I hate feeling like that sometimes I know why it happens. I want to go back to male to save myself the pain. But being male also did hurt me.

Maybe eventually I am winning in a way and I get glimpses of hope and small moments of joy. Instead of just one long onslaught of depression and misery.

[jentay1367]

A friend told me once that happiness isn't something that happens to you. It's a choice....one that you must consciously make. It sounds like you may have had that epiphany! Good luck, hon. I hope it sticks. You need some win in your life right now.

[josie76]

I never had this feeling in my life I was always walking on eggshells constantly self aware of how I act what I can do as a man and things.

There is only here and now and the future. Me being a woman in it. My need to be male made me uneasy in my own skin.

These two sentences are so true for so many of us including myself.

[Amoré]

After I started transitioning I felt I had a need to go back to being male to make the hurt of divorce and not seeing my child go away. This is still sometimes popping up. I have a bigger need to be a woman so the scale is tipped in that way.

Knowing if I could have returned to male today nothing would be as it was gives me more reason to try and ignore that need because it is attached to a fantasy of if I go back to male everything would be as it was .

[JeanetteLW]

After I started transitioning I felt I had a need to go back to being male to make the hurt of divorce and not seeing my child go away. This is still sometimes popping up. I have a bigger need to be a woman so the scale is tipped in that way.

Knowing if I could have returned to male today nothing would be as it was gives me more reason to try and ignore that need because it is attached to a fantasy of if I go back to male everything would be as it was .

I do believe you are making progress girl.

((((Hugs))))
   Laura

[RobynD]

Awesome progress you are inspiring.

[Amoré]

Well I did screw up now! we went to pick up my child and I saw my ex and her new boyfriend they where hugging and things in front of us it upset me a bit but more upsetting was that this guy is getting more access and time with my daughter than I do. My boyfriend now believes I was upset and cried because I am not over my ex. Although there is feelings somewhere lingering it is not what he thinks because I don't want her back especially not after seeing her with someone else. So now there is tension in the house and I am angry at myself for even batting as much as an eyelid at the situation.

[JeanetteLW]

Well I did screw up now! we went to pick up my child and I saw my ex and her new boyfriend they where hugging and things in front of us it upset me a bit but more upsetting was that this guy is getting more access and time with my daughter than I do. My boyfriend now believes I was upset and cried because I am not over my ex. Although there is feelings somewhere lingering it is not what he thinks because I don't want her back especially not after seeing her with someone else. So now there is tension in the house and I am angry at myself for even batting as much as an eyelid at the situation.

  Give it a little time then go make up with your boyfriend. Boys have always been putty in the hands of a determined pretty girl.

  Hugs,
    Laurie, Laura, Jeanette?

[Amoré]

  Give it a little time then go make up with your boyfriend. Boys have always been putty in the hands of a determined pretty girl.

  Hugs,
    Laurie, Laura, Jeanette?

I tried too and he sort of pushed me away.  He told me to grow up and get over it and accept the situation. It has been two years and I should get over it now.

[RobynD]

I tried too and he sort of pushed me away.  He told me to grow up and get over it and accept the situation. It has been two years and I should get over it now.

Give him a bit of space and time to process. Whatever his "love language" is, come back with that and a nice meal or something later and i'm sure you will be able to put it past you.

[Amoré]

Give him a bit of space and time to process. Whatever his "love language" is, come back with that and a nice meal or something later and i'm sure you will be able to put it past you.

It is crappy because he said he is tired of it now my crying over the life that I could not have. But I will have to continue.
The thing is he say he can't take our relationship to the next level if I still act like this. He wants me to feel nothing.

The fact that I am jealous of my ex's new boyfriend because of the time he gets with my child. The fact of loss of time with my child and that somewhere some feeling surfaced about my ex is keeping from having a better relationship and  it hurts him.

I was like well I could not be a man for her so she must be happy because she has a man now. That is what I thought. Not that I want to go back to her.

[RobynD]

I'm a parent of three and i'm going to say something that is not very popular: Despite the biological connection, despite the bonds that have been built etc, i do not think the love for our children is supposed to be the pinnacle of human existence.

I don't think it was ever designed to be except in the context that in a dangerous situation you would probably save them first before anyone else. (hey our species has got to survive right?) I think actually it is on equal footing with all of the other necessary and loving relationships we have in life, friends, significant other, other family, or even your spiritual relationship if you are into all that. 

I know its super hard to not see your child as much, but this likely only for a season and it will pass. Someday she will also think her parents are boring and want to spend most of her time with he friends if allowed, that is just part of life. Then sometime later she won't be able to get enough of you as a young adult, because you have answered life questions that she has not yet. Also she will want money, they always want money

Our goal is to love those cute little beings and raise them to be adults and make their way in the world. We have to get our relationship sustenance from ALL of our relationships.

Your boyfriend is feeling hurt because of the expression of your feelings, that is only sort of ok and at some level its not, but it is upon you to reassure him and move forward with him if you both want. He sounds like he has been pretty supportive. He probably doesn't want you to feel nothing but he wants to feel loved fiercely and to be a big bunch of your life's focus. Can't blame him for that, you seem like a pretty special person.

So yeah you are probably going to have to control your emotions in such situations a bit more or channel that energy in other directions to reassure him (at least that is my very basic assessment from what you have described). In that give in take, he will probably become better equipped to understand your feelings and feel less threatened by them.

(Can you tell i have had a lot of therapy ?, i hope all that money went to some good use )

[Amoré]

I'm a parent of three and i'm going to say something that is not very popular: Despite the biological connection, despite the bonds that have been built etc, i do not think the love for our children is supposed to be the pinnacle of human existence.

I don't think it was ever designed to be except in the context that in a dangerous situation you would probably save them first before anyone else. (hey our species has got to survive right?) I think actually it is on equal footing with all of the other necessary and loving relationships we have in life, friends, significant other, other family, or even your spiritual relationship if you are into all that. 

I know its super hard to not see your child as much, but this likely only for a season and it will pass. Someday she will also think her parents are boring and want to spend most of her time with he friends if allowed, that is just part of life. Then sometime later she won't be able to get enough of you as a young adult, because you have answered life questions that she has not yet. Also she will want money, they always want money

Our goal is to love those cute little beings and raise them to be adults and make their way in the world. We have to get our relationship sustenance from ALL of our relationships.

Your boyfriend is feeling hurt because of the expression of your feelings, that is only sort of ok and at some level its not, but it is upon you to reassure him and move forward with him if you both want. He sounds like he has been pretty supportive. He probably doesn't want you to feel nothing but he wants to feel loved fiercely and to be a big bunch of your life's focus. Can't blame him for that, you seem like a pretty special person.

So yeah you are probably going to have to control your emotions in such situations a bit more or channel that energy in other directions to reassure him (at least that is my very basic assessment from what you have described). In that give in take, he will probably become better equipped to understand your feelings and feel less threatened by them.

(Can you tell i have had a lot of therapy ?, i hope all that money went to some good use )

Maybe I am a bit over attached to my child. She is her own person after all and would be her whole life. I just want to be a big part of her life and more than the new boyfriend that want to play dad would be.

One thing is it is super hard controlling my emotions as estrogen for some reason put me in a straight connection with them if the tears want to roll they roll. But I get what you are saying being happy and myself after our interactions with my ex and her new boyfriend is super important to reassure my boyfriend he is everything now and I don't want to go back to my ex or have feelings for her. I normally withraw and cry when it happens. I must show him that even without my child where I am is enough too overcome the pain. Because he is tired of it all like he said.

I just don't know how to control my emotions

[Rambler]

She is only 3 turning 4 in august and is happy with who I am at this stage she just accepts it. She even say I am a girl if you ask her. I am worried when she gets a bit older her mom might get into her head. But she did not understand that I am a woman totally at a stage and she went for therapy and is still attending it also because she is really bitter because of  the divorce.

My little girl will be 4 in December. It's such a sweet age. I can only imagine how hard it is on you to not be around her everyday. Luckily kids at that age tend to take things in stride and usually seem to just accept change. Keep your chin up, everything will be okay.

[Amoré]

My little girl will be 4 in December. It's such a sweet age. I can only imagine how hard it is on you to not be around her everyday. Luckily kids at that age tend to take things in stride and usually seem to just accept change. Keep your chin up, everything will be okay.

My kid did take my transition very well she is a bit confused and at times would give me like the ken doll to play with. But  it is okay I understand where it is coming from. 3-4 is the sweetest age they start to get a lot of personality and it really starts to come through. I miss not having that each day in my life. It is the thing that breaks me the most in this world. I wanted to go back to being a man for that until I realized the effort would be in vane. I would be a crappy parent because I would be miserable. Her mom won't take me back because she only saw the feminine in me so going back is impossible.

So I decided to move on with my transition and here I am today. It hurts like hell being away from her but I have to start coping better for my partner also because he is tired of it all now.

[SiobhánF]

I've got five boys, all at different stages in development. It's a confusing time, all around, but it seems that the younger they are, the more accepting of the change they tend to be. In the end, children just want to be loved by their parents. As long as our children feel loved by us, they couldn't care less whether you transitioned or not, even if they aren't really taking it well. Same goes for being away from them for any amount of time; if they know that you love them and it's self-evident by how you treat them and talk to them, they won't let anyone else tell them otherwise. Children, imo, are the best BS detectors on the planet.