*Update* I am starting to accept reality

[coldHeart]

Don't give up now you're come this far I feel the same were nothing is enjoyable any more I try to spent time with my animals, I think you need to get out & even if its just for a walk if you stay in doors your just dwell on stuff & that's not good for you. Remember you a strong woman.. You must be because you're come this far..

[Charlie Nicki]

These are conversations for you and your girls. Not your man. You need to compartmentalize just like all women do. The last thing your man wants to think is that he's some port in the storm. Show him you love him. His satisfaction from that will wash over you and it will help you to move on from your DEAD relationship with your wife. Ijust want to see you happy, and not a victim. Empower yourself as other women do by building your relationship with the one that cherishes you. That's him...by the way. Many a woman longs every day to have a man in your life as you do. Don't squander that till you're alone and wondering what happened. Cuz' you know what? If he's gone, nothing else about your life changes. He's just gone. I think you're a sweet fragile woman. I don't want to see that happen. It's within your hands to make it right.

I'm going to share something with you that you may not want to hear. Actually, I'm going to give you some friendly advice. If I were you?, I'd stop treating my boyfriend like my bestie. If you keep that up girl....he's not going to be around very long. He's a guy. He doesn't want to hear this stuff. He wants to know you need, desire and love him. I see what you've said as truly testing for him.  All these things your dropping in his lap? I predict that if you don't stop, it's not going to work out for you. Just some friendly advice. Take it or leave it.

Your advice is spot on! I definitely agree. It doesn't do the new relationship any good to be bringing all the negativity from the previous one and contaminating it. It's also not fair for the new guy who definitely wants to make Amore happy.

[RobynD]

Well I come to a realization this morning that I sort of feel like I lost my spirit. I was normally the one that would jump on my child's bike do a couple of laps just for the fun.I would climb on the jungle gym with my child. Children would be like I want that to be my parent. I would play games and do fun stuff. Now I feel that nothing is enjoyable anymore. I don't do fun stuff anymore only serious life stuff.If I am not doing that I am sitting and mourning and feel depressed. When the opportunity arrives of having fun I normally pass it by. It feels if the joyful part of me is gone.That playful little girl has lost her spirit

One of the best ways to fend off depression is to simply get outside, get your boyfriend and go for a hike or to the beach or to a park etc, anything convenient.

[Amoré]

Went to my therapist last night and came back a bit more positive. I want to be where I am right now although the road is rocky and I have a lot of drama to deal with. Unfortunate my boyfriend came into my life when I am not healed properly and still on my way there. When my past relationship is not completely dead yet but busy dying. For it to become something new it must first die and then stay dead for a while and hopefully a friendship will come out of that dead relationship.

But although every action that I took to rescue that relationship and me holding on to it was actually to be with my child I want to be here with him. This is what I want a life as a woman with a boyfriend. I talked to my therapist about me breaking down every time I drop her for some reason my brain responds in the way like every time I drop her it is the last time I will see her again. My therapist didn't give me a solution for the issue she said I must find a way to cope. She is worried about me every sunday knowing I am breaking down.

For me seeing my child only one day a weekend feels unfair because she has her the other six days the ideal would be to have a house close by to my ex that my child can go back and forth as she pleases. It is not to have a relationship again with my ex to have my child with me.

[Amoré]

Today I am sitting here and realize that yesterday was a small victory.My ex said she would allow my child to be with me on mothers day that is this coming sunday. She said that we will alternate mothers day. This is maybe a sign that she accepts me as a woman.

[coldHeart]

Hopefully yes perhaps talk to her about taking your child out every week, it would do you good & give your ex a break.

[RobynD]

That sounds like great progress!

[Amoré]

I am watching a good series 13 reasons why on netflix and I could not help starting to think how I would have traumatized everyone around me if I went through with suicide. I chose too transition in the end but I did try to take my own life because of depression. Today I feel bad about the attempts I did not realize that my actions would cut so deep into my own life and others. Even the attempt at suicide cut into peoples lifes. I honestly think it would have been a waist if I did succeed. I would have never sat here as a woman and get to experience life as I do now if I did not fail. I wanted to die back then. Now I am glad I didn't kill myself. I am glad my ex cut me off the rope and found me just in time to save my life. A minute later and I would not sit here today typing this post. I get to live life as a woman now because of it all. being trans is not easy I guess I have it a bit better than some because I pass but still it is one of the hardest and scariest things I ever did in life.

I am glad where I am sitting that I did do it because staying a man would have brought on more depression and eventually death. It is not the dysphoria I could not live with but that depression that I went into. It is like a dark cloud of poison that blurs your vision and perception of everything. You see death as the only way out in some cases because the depression doesn't stop. I don't want to go back to that. The price I paid is steep. But in the end it was for my own life.

I was sitting and sobbing last night for this exact reason that I had no choice. The funny part even if I was sitting here as a man today I would have been divorced. The outcome just would have been worse for me because I would have been a miserable dysphoric person  or be dead because depression would have been a lot worse. When I wanted to stay a man for my ex I already started transitioning. I wanted to stop and it was too late to stop she already knew what I am and about this thing that is eating me. She didn't want to be with a person like me. So even if I stayed a man and I actually stopped transitioning for four months for her so she can see I would and it did not rescue my marriage.

In the end I have to carry through transition I can't come halfway and stop I have to complete it. For me this includes everything to be able to live stealth if I want too. An id change,name change, grs, removing all signs of masculinity that I ever was a man. that you wont see it if you look at me. If you take off my clothes all the man must be gone. So I still have grs and voice therapy and waiting for my new id to go. I can't leave it half way else I would feel I did not complete my journey.

[Laurie]

 Amoré,

  I read your last post with joy in my heart. It is so good to see this change for the better in your attitude. What you share is right, you must continue on with your transition and realize your true self. It is also true that you would be hurt so many other lives that love you had you given in to the depression and did away with yourself. It is good to see you moving past all that pain.
  I hope the rest of your journey is far more satisfying than it has been up to this point. Be a survivor, not a victim.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Erika_Courtney]

Wives talk about how men need to stop being manly and have feelings. I have a feeling this is the situation where wives would say be a man and hide your feelings. (Note: I am still swimming in the testosterone pool.)

Think about it this way, she wants to love you as a man, even a depressed miserable man. You are 100% right, eventually she would get tired of you being depressed all time and probably just leave you even if you were still a man. You were in lose lose situation, but in time your exwife will better understand and see this all worked out for the best.

If it ever comes time for that conversation with my wife, you have some insightful points that I can present to her.

[RobynD]

Really great work! So glad you are not only seeing how the path got you here but are looking to the future now. Your boyfriend has to really respect that too, i am sure.

[Amoré]

I feel very depressed today.Whenever I get one of these moments I always feel I should share it here it always makes it a little lighter to carry.I am piecing my life together to understand where I am today. I showed my boyfriend this weekend for the first time a photo of how I used to look as a man. Well he said I was very handsome. I was the type of guy girls would chase and that was true. I didn't even have to work to get girls. I had the face the ripped body. Girls used to stare at me when walking in a public place as if I was a hamburger.

But this was the breaking point for me. I realized this is where the tornado was at its strongest. I could not carry the thoughts of me being this guy that beautiful woman look at and desire because I wanted to be a girl. I wanted to be the girls that looked at me. I tried to be that man that I wanted to go to bed with not be. I could not look at myself in the mirrors in the gym while gymming I would turn around and face the other direction. I could not stand the site of this man I was seeing in the mirror even though he was one of the guys girls wanted. I had everything but I was so empty. I was unhappy.

I remember my ex fighting with me and telling me when I said I wanted to be a woman. She told me do you even see what a beautiful man you are. Well I could not see it today when I looked at that photo I can see that man. I could not be him because I wasn't a man inside.

This is what made dysphoria worse and the depression. I did not want to be desired by woman in that way. I hated being that guy. My attempt to be a man and be metrosexual and a pretty man lead to my destruction as a man eventually. It brought on a deep dark depression because you can't run from your own body and how you look because you where stuck in it. I knew the only way out of that nightmare was hrt and transitioning.

It goes to show how powerful dysphoria is that no matter what you have and how beautiful it is. You as a person are broken because of it. I had it all I had everything going for me. I had to give it up because of the transgender beast.

In the end it is the best choice I made in my life although it has bad consequences like not seeing my child enough. I am thankful for having a second chance at life because as a man I know what the outcome would have been.

[jentay1367]

Well, we weren't all gorgeous,  but in regards to all the rest .....welcome to the club.

[SiobhánF]

Same. Can't say that I was entirely desirable, but I definitely identify the same feelings you described as my own.

[Thessa]

Last weekend I heard a sentence roughly translated to "You are a loss for the female population."

I answered "I'm still available, just for another part of the female population."

Maybe it would be easier to find someone again, but I know that I can't go back, it would kill me.

Looks like we are in a similar boat.

[Amoré]

It is a loss but I didn't think any female would want a guy struggling from gender dysphoria anyway. It was one of my reasons to transition. I am transgender and if I stay a guy I would burden another woman with depression and dysphoria. It won't be fair upon her. She would be threatened each day by the need of me becoming a woman and by the threat of me transitioning. Woman that are attracted to men and was attracted to me wanted to be with me as a man. It was not fair towards them to make them live with dysphoria and depression just so I can stay a man for them.

[RobynD]

I had similar youth and pre-transition sort of viewpoint. I was a pretty, feminine guy and even though my spouse accepted that it didn't mean that she always loved it.

I saw her look at other guys and i get that. Masculinity is attractive (in other people, thank you very much), i agree with her. Even when women are attracted to other women and have experience being intimate with other women, sometimes their primary attraction remains masculinity. I think few people are exactly in the center of the sexual preference scale.

Ultimately though as witnessed by you so quickly finding a male significant other, we go from one form of attractiveness to another and that includes our story, our struggle, our personality, our values and how we treat other people. A lot more goes into that than just the physical part.

[Amoré]

It is strange how I jumped in the spectrum of attraction to go from being attracted to woman mainly to being attracted to men. I prefer men now. I look at woman and find them attractive but I also want to be them. Have some of their features that is pretty. My boyfriend is pretty masculine. I find it attractive. My ex was not particularly a very feminine woman she was more a tom boy. But being that made my dysphoria less.

[RobynD]

Me too men are more attractive to me emotionally for sure and physically. Most women i look at and want their clothes but i do appreciate women though and i'm still attracted to them. My spouse is pretty feminine, my boyfriend is quite masculine.

[Charlie Nicki]

My spouse is pretty feminine, my boyfriend is quite masculine.

Are you in a polyamorous relationship? With a woman and a man?