Boyfriend issues

[Elsa.G]

I have been dating a man for the last 3.5 years, he's only about 2 years older than me and he knows I am trans, he doesn't care and is attracted to trans women. Anyway, recently I found out that for the first 6 months to a year that we we're officially dating, he was flirting and talking to other women, including his ex. There are photos on Facebook of his ex that he liked and commented on, this was well into our relationship, 6 months or so to be exact- he commented about how beautiful and gorgeous she is, months after I asked him if he could cut down his communication with her or just stop talking to her completely. As for the messaging part, I didn't snoop on him or anything, I found out because his friend told me so, and since I found those comments, I am more inclined to believe his friend. I know these comments are old news, however I can't help but feel slightly betrayed- especially as this was months into our relationship and I barely found out. He no longer has contact with this other woman, but his comments still felt like a slap on the face since they are new to me. I don't know how to feel, I feel that if I bring this up and let it bother me, I am being a drama queen because it's been about 3 years since these things happened- but like I said I didn't know this before. Help... Am I being dramatic or do I have the right to be upset???  Being trans just makes me feel extra self conscious since his ex is a cis female.

[Jin]

Everyone has a history.

[stephaniec]

3 years is a long time

[Dena]

One of the things that caught me off guard on this site is that some of the members are three or four partners in their relationship. They don't demand their partner's attention be exclusively directed at them. Personally, I want a partner to be only interested in me. You need to decide which of these relationships you are comfortable and have a serious talk. If somebody enjoys the the company of more than one person and is unwilling to change, it may be time to consider a relationship with somebody more monogamous. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a monogamous relationship but just make it clear that is what you are comfortable with.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Elsa,

I tried to imagine myself in your place, thinking about someone I now deeply love.  What we have now is what we have now, and that is all we can ever have.  We are all the sum of our histories, our lives.  I don't know anything about your boyfriend and his ex, but obviously he cared a lot about her.  But he is with you now, and has been for the last three years. Own your relationships. Make this about you, not him. If this relationship pleases you, nurture it, if it does not, move on. Unless you think he is cheating on you now, I would let it go. 

With kindness,

Terri

[RobynD]

If you had the expectation of monogamy, then yes it was a breach of trust and that needs to be repaired to properly go forward. If it was just assumed monogamy though and he was talking to other women, that just is a normal thing because we really should not assume an expectation on our loved ones without the explicit conversation.

I have a wife and boyfriend, so i am one of those here that Dena is talking about above. The boundaries and expectations are explicitly discussed and understood. If they change, and sometimes they do as a normal part of life, then those are discussed too.

Personally, i have no issues "sharing" the love of someone with other people. I have big issues with breaching trust though.

My boyfriend and i have discussed the fact that he said "he is not dating anyone but me". I needed to understand that fully so we had a follow up discussion. What it meant is he was focusing on us as his primary relationship, i did not expect though he would stop texting other women, flirting with other women, talking to his ex or heck even having sex with someone else as long as he is honest.

[alex82]

I have been dating a man for the last 3.5 years, he's only about 2 years older than me and he knows I am trans, he doesn't care and is attracted to trans women. Anyway, recently I found out that for the first 6 months to a year that we we're officially dating, he was flirting and talking to other women, including his ex. There are photos on Facebook of his ex that he liked and commented on, this was well into our relationship, 6 months or so to be exact- he commented about how beautiful and gorgeous she is, months after I asked him if he could cut down his communication with her or just stop talking to her completely. As for the messaging part, I didn't snoop on him or anything, I found out because his friend told me so, and since I found those comments, I am more inclined to believe his friend. I know these comments are old news, however I can't help but feel slightly betrayed- especially as this was months into our relationship and I barely found out. He no longer has contact with this other woman, but his comments still felt like a slap on the face since they are new to me. I don't know how to feel, I feel that if I bring this up and let it bother me, I am being a drama queen because it's been about 3 years since these things happened- but like I said I didn't know this before. Help... Am I being dramatic or do I have the right to be upset???  Being trans just makes me feel extra self conscious since his ex is a cis female.

I don't think anyone has any right to expect someone to disregard their past. That's a recipe for discontent. I think he has a right to deal with his past and the people in it in any way that is comfortable for him. If you don't like it, that's your issue, not his.

But that's just me I guess. If you can't deal with it, get rid.

[alex82]

One of the things that caught me off guard on this site is that some of the members are three or four partners in their relationship. They don't demand their partner's attention be exclusively directed at them. Personally, I want a partner to be only interested in me. You need to decide which of these relationships you are comfortable and have a serious talk. If somebody enjoys the the company of more than one person and is unwilling to change, it may be time to consider a relationship with somebody more monogamous. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a monogamous relationship but just make it clear that is what you are comfortable with.

I wonder if that's really truly a generational thing?

I presume not because I know my parents are more of my sentiment than yours. To an extent that make me seem conservative. Likewise 3 of 4 grandparents.

Maybe it's cultural in some respects. I've only come across two people I've actively been passionate enough about to care. The others, well whatever.

I was once dumped by someone who was offended by me telling him I didn't care if he used prostitutes/gaydar/dilly boys to do things I didn't have the energy or inclination to do.

[Dena]

I wonder if that's really truly a generational thing?

I think it's related to ones personality. I am not the jealous type but if I am committing to somebody else, I want the relationship to be exclusive. However I suspect the high divorce rates mean that multiple partners are the norm for humans and religion or social norms force many people into monogamous relationships that don't match their personality. What other people do with their life isn't my business as long as I agree with what my partner is doing.

[RobynD]

I think it's related to ones personality. I am not the jealous type but if I am committing to somebody else, I want the relationship to be exclusive. However I suspect the high divorce rates mean that multiple partners are the norm for humans and religion or social norms force many people into monogamous relationships that don't match their personality. What other people do with their life isn't my business as long as I agree with what my partner is doing.

I think you are right and both viewpoints are wonderful and valid. I often say to people "i was not born with a jealous bone in my body" but what i think i really mean is that my personality is just different, not better, not worse just different. One generational thing is that as western societies at least get less religious, that influence on relationships becomes less. Serial monogamy and lifetime monogamy have their advantages though, and i suspect there will always be social norms that will steer people in those directions.