I'm not totally sure why I feel compelled to make this confession but in some odd way I feel like I almost let all you wonderful folks here down. Last week my wife and I started talking in some detail about how we can continue to live together and how our relationship might be structured going forward as I continue my transition. I've already stopped sleeping in our bed and will be moving out of the bedroom completely soon. One of the other aspects we discussed was the idea of an "Open Marriage". She doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore but still has sexual desires (as do I) so she felt this was the best way. We both stated that it would be hard for us to prepare for the other sleeping with other people, and I thought we both agreed that we needed to talk more before we'd be ready.
Well toward the end of last week my wife told me that for her birthday she is planning a trip with her friend to one of those south of the border islands known for couples resorts, swingers and nude beaches. I asked her point blank if she thought that she'd be hooking up with guys while she was there. She didn't even hesitate to confirm. I was shocked. I knew this was coming but I expected we'd discuss it more and I had time to prepare myself, now it was right there in front of me.
Now keep in mind, this is the woman I love and value more than anything in the world. The one who has told me how traumatizing this whole experience has been and who I've had to watch suffer more than I've ever seen before. It is so traumatizing for her that she hasn't even seen me as Alyssa and freaks out if she even sees the necklace that I wear all the time. She tells me how much she hates not having me in bed with her but it's what she needs to let go, etc. Yet despite all this trauma, she's some how already fully prepared to sleep with other people?? I was crushed, very depressed and horribly upset.
So I walked out of our room where we were talking. Went to the basement and in a fit of rage knocked over a few things. I then grabbed my pistol and stormed out of the house, got in my car and off I went. I drove around for quite a while. I ended up following a route that we used to ride on my motorcycle up through a bunch of state forest lands. At one of the park areas they have a 10-story observation tower. I knew this was a place where no one I knew would find me, would be secluded at that time of day so I could be alone and had very little cellular coverage so I wouldn't likely be disturbed.
Conquering my fear of heights, with tears pouring down my face, I climbed to the top deck of the tower and took my firearm out. I sat down, holding it between my legs and for a very long time contemplated what I would do next. I thought about everything. All the "Why did this have to happen to me, to us" thoughts rang through my head. I got angry with God. I thought of all the wonderfulness of our 25 years together and how my transition was destroying all of it. There were moments where I got close to pointing that gun and pulling the trigger.
Obviously, since I'm writing this, I didn't do it. The thought of my kids, my family and even my wife's reactions to me doing that gave me pause. I also thought about what lies over the horizon for me. I came to realize my pain is horrible but also temporary and that there is a new life out there for me to discover. I want to know what it's like to live life finally comfortable in my own skin. And religion even entered into it a bit for me as my own beliefs of the sinful nature of suicide entered my mind.
In the end, I put the gun away. I sat on that deck for a couple hours and ended up writing a 4 page letter to my wife. In that letter I expressed the pain of her telling me she's ready to be with other people. I discussed how painful it is to hear her constantly refer to me as two different people and attribute all the positives to my male persona and target all her rage and hate at Alyssa. I explained how I feel it's rare to find a person in this world who loves you no matter what and values you above all else and that I am always going to be that person for her even if she can't return the feelings. I explained my fear that if she pushes me away, she'll one day regret having pushed away someone who cared for her so deeply but that her realization could come too late.
I'm in a much better place now. I didn't set out to take my own life that day, when I left I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Ultimately, I don't want to die. I don't want to take my own life. I want to see this transition through. I've never been nearly that close to taking my own life and I'm kind of ashamed that I let myself get to that point. I'm sorry to all of you who've been so supportive of me for almost ditching on you. I'm here, I'm stronger than ever, and I will not let that ever happen again.
