Salon hunting

[LizK]

I have a challenge for myself this week. There is a bus stop directly outside my house, but when I fist went full time it was too much for me to stand there in front of all the neighbours so I walk to the next stop down. It's not that everyone hasn't seen me, I mean I'm full time just some dum thing I thought was a good idea at the time and it eventually became a habit. So tomorrow I shall ditch that comfort blanket and take back control of my bus stop.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Hi Sadie

I have been a little busy with other things in my life recently and and have not had much of a chance to catch up with everyone for quite awhile. I have just found this part of your thread and wanted to congradulate you for persisting in what can only be described as a diffuclt challenge especially when you also have other anxieties as well. It is amazing what we can do with some determination and courage.

I have been fulltime for about 9 months now (I think) and I am still finding new challenges and experinces...in fact on Monday I am attending a funeral in a small country town in rural south austrlia who's main exspoure to trans people is the movie "Pricillia Queen of the Desert" so that in itself will be "interesting". But like you and the challenges we all face we mange to get through them and often woinder what the big deal was.

So happy you acomplished this step...another demon beaten

Take care

Liz

[Shy]

Hi Sadie

I have been a little busy with other things in my life recently and and have not had much of a chance to catch up with everyone for quite awhile. I have just found this part of your thread and wanted to congradulate you for persisting in what can only be described as a diffuclt challenge especially when you also have other anxieties as well. It is amazing what we can do with some determination and courage.

I have been fulltime for about 9 months now (I think) and I am still finding new challenges and experinces...in fact on Monday I am attending a funeral in a small country town in rural south austrlia who's main exspoure to trans people is the movie "Pricillia Queen of the Desert" so that in itself will be "interesting". But like you and the challenges we all face we mange to get through them and often woinder what the big deal was.

So happy you acomplished this step...another demon beaten

Take care

Liz

Hi Liz

Yes, 'mountains from molehills' is a common phrase here in the U.K. Although sometimes there are mountains to overcome and we have to learn to climb. 🙂

Sorry to hear about the loss in the family Liz, I have been thinking of you. Big hug from across the pond to you and yours. 

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Shy]

It's been a strange week/year for me, for some reason that seems to be a recurring theme.

This may sound odd to some but for the first time in my life I recognise myself, not just my reflection but also a hint of my place in society, my identity as an individual.

More and more people are engaging with me it seems. Today in town I must have been stopped 4 or 5 times by strangers either asking for directions, commenting on my shoes or nails. I chatted with an elderly man about one of his paintings in the art gallery. Just normal stuff, and it felt normal until the bus driver on the way home called me 'mate'.

My mental image is of Sadie now, and am slowly learning about the things I like and dislike, the places I like to go and the way I want to present to the world. I never felt like I had a choice before, or that it even was a choice, but now I do. These may seem superficial aspirations on the surface but deep down they are hard fought, choices that mean something. I'm laying a foundation and mastering how to put foundation on at the same time .

So I've lived a year as myself 'full time' exposed to the elements of society and my own insecurities. It's been one of the hardest but most profound and humbling experiences of my life. I don't know where I'll be this time next year, maybe my slot for the GC clinic will have come through. Who knows. But for now, this very point in time I am happy just learning to be me in this crazy mixed up world.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

  Wow Sadie,

  You have indeed been making good progress in knowing who you are and what you want. Congrats on that girl and also on the year full time. Accepting yourself for who you are is not an easy thing, or at least it isn't for me. As you know I have a few issues to face yet. But it is with joy that I watch you doing it. I know it hasn't been easy for you to do it either, dear sister, but now I see that you are.  ((((hugs))))

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Kendra]

Sadie you are an inspiration.  Your progress, your understanding of what matters, and patience.

[Michelle_P]

Sadie, you're doing great.  I think that it really does take a year or more of full time life before ancient parts of the brain catch up to our current self-image, and let us fully see ourselves.  This, I think, may be the point where we can honestly start the process of rediscovering who we really are, rather than what some of us pretended to be for a very long time.

Congratulations!

[davina61]

That's the way to do it, I am just waiting for my face to catch up!!! took photo of drag bike to show you but wont download *** technology(insert your own swear word)

[Shy]

Thank you all for the kind words everyone 🙂 I normally like to reply to everyone individually but I'll make this one a big group hug.

I don't know where it came from but for the past few days I've been swamped with all sorts of emotions from anger to guilt to feelings of abandonment. Mostly from my past and mostly triggered by the people I love and of post trauma caused by people that I don't.
My poor Doc. got both barrels when I saw him on Monday for a dodgy knee, bless him. All this stuff I'd been holding back for years just started flowing out and once it started it wouldn't stop. And I thought I was good at hiding stuff from myself, apparently I'm not. I felt wretched afterwards. 
I think Michelle had it spot one, I'm now at that tipping point where I can be honest with my situation. This stuff is really painful to expose, but if i'm going to make a future for myself I have to confront my fears, anger, shame or anything negative in my life and let it all go.
I deserve to be happy and have the right to be myself. I'm a tiny dot on a small planet that is a pale blue dot in and infinite universe, I know there is plenty of room for Sadie.

Sadie, you're doing great.  I think that it really does take a year or more of full time life before ancient parts of the brain catch up to our current self-image, and let us fully see ourselves.  This, I think, may be the point where we can honestly start the process of rediscovering who we really are, rather than what some of us pretended to be for a very long time.

Thank you Michelle that really helped me.

So this is the real life experience thread, I'm glad I set up camp here as there is a knowing of shared experience that is often unwritten. Just a simple word a kind gesture a smiley face in the right place means I don't have to do this alone.

Thank you everyone,

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

  All this stuff I'd been holding back for years just started flowing out and once it started it wouldn't stop. And I thought I was good at hiding stuff from myself, apparently I'm not. I felt wretched afterwards. 

  I think Michelle had it spot on, I'm now at that tipping point where I can be honest with my situation. This stuff is really painful to expose, but if I'm going to make a future for myself I have to confront my fears, anger, shame or anything negative in my life and let it all go.

I deserve to be happy and have the right to be myself.... I know there is plenty of room for Sadie.

So this is the real life experience thread, I'm glad I set up camp here as there is a knowing of shared experience that is often unwritten. Just a simple word a kind gesture a smiley face in the right place means I don't have to do this alone.

Thank you everyone,

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

  Hi Sadie,

   Hon, were you looking into my head? That first part above Is what happened to me after the problems with my daughter. That hurts a lot but it was the catalyst in the release of all the crap the i had shoved into a dark corner of my mind. All the stuff that I didn't want to face and stuff I only knew subconsciously. I never consciously realized that I hated myself, but it was there. I agree with you that now we have to face those things if we are going to move past them. I also have those fears, anger, and shame that you mention along with self hate and low self esteem issues. So Hun, you are not alone and it is hard to look at those things even when you know about them. I have yet to start work on my issues but I know I have to. Now that I am not  consumed with doing away with myself, I might be able to.

  You are absolutely right. There is room for Sadie and you do deserve to be happy.

   We are glad to have you here with us. You do your part in providing others that support both directly and by sharing your own struggles. I know that your words have help me personally. All of us I think, try to help in our own ways. There is a lot of hurt and pain shared on this site but there is also a lot of successes and compassion this demonstrates that this difficult journey can be made. Those that remain here to encourage us who follow are special people because though they have reached their goal they stay to help me and you and so many others over the bumps and potholes we encounter. They help pull us out of the burning wreckage when we crash.
  You my dear have a lot to give too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Shy]

  Hi Sadie,

   Hon, were you looking into my head? That first part above Is what happened to me after the problems with my daughter. That hurts a lot but it was the catalyst in the release of all the crap the i had shoved into a dark corner of my mind. All the stuff that I didn't want to face and stuff I only knew subconsciously. I never consciously realized that I hated myself, but it was there. I agree with you that now we have to face those things if we are going to move past them. I also have those fears, anger, and shame that you mention along with self hate and low self esteem issues. So Hun, you are not alone and it is hard to look at those things even when you know about them. I have yet to start work on my issues but I know I have to. Now that I am not  consumed with doing away with myself, I might be able to.

  You are absolutely right. There is room for Sadie and you do deserve to be happy.

   We are glad to have you here with us. You do your part in providing others that support both directly and by sharing your own struggles. I know that your words have help me personally. All of us I think, try to help in our own ways. There is a lot of hurt and pain shared on this site but there is also a lot of successes and compassion this demonstrates that this difficult journey can be made. Those that remain here to encourage us who follow are special people because though they have reached their goal they stay to help me and you and so many others over the bumps and potholes we encounter. They help pull us out of the burning wreckage when we crash.
  You my dear have a lot to give too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Ha, yes I caught you without your aluminium foil hat on . I haven't worked out a way to penetrate the lead shielding on your truck with my Sadie sense yet but agent Moni says she has the blueprints

Seriously, when you finally find the strength to face your issues don't smash yourself head on into them. 'Become like water' (to quote Bruce Lee) and quietly lap and ripple around them.  We have to be gentle with ourselves to find our real strength.
I don't know what I'm capable of achieving, having been a hidden away for so many years I'm just getting to know Sadie like I'm getting to know you all. I do know it's time to stop beating myself up though, just like I wouldn't want to beat anyone else up. I will face my demons with peace and love and all that good stuff 

You are a diamond Laurie and don't you forget it

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

...
Seriously, when you finally find the strength to face your issues don't smash yourself head on into them. 'Become like water' (to quote Bruce Lee) and quietly lap and ripple around them.  We have to be gentle with ourselves to find our real strength.
...

Brilliant!  Well said, Sadie!

This may be the most painful place on our journey. In some ways it was for me.   Ah, but this is also where we start healing and restoring ourselves, and finally become happy with ourselves.

And Laurie, you got this!  "Become like water"

Metta, a form of meditation, may help at this point.  No, seriously.

metta meditation




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[Shy]

Brilliant!  Well said, Sadie!

This may be the most painful place on our journey. In some ways it was for me.   Ah, but this is also where we start healing and restoring ourselves, and finally become happy with ourselves.

Yes it seems to be for me, to be honest I was quite side-swiped by the intensity of emotions I've been feeling of late. I feel I'm at a crossroads again much like the feelings I had when I first came out, only much stronger. It's taken me a year to get here, but only this time It's not about being transgender it's about needing to fully transition and the effect that is going to have on the people surrounding me. A year ago all this was alway in the distant future, a bridge I'd cross when I got to it, but now I can see the bridge in the distance.

I conquered another gremlin today that is my local store.  I've always worn a hat or a head wrap before in there, until today, as I was insecure about showing my wig. Everywhere else no problem but that store I just felt a little self conscious.
Funny how certain things get caught up in your psyche as you stutter through the early stages of transition, it could also have be autism at play, I don't know, I'm kind of still learning about that too.
Anyway today i'm pleased to say the pesky store got the full Sadie in all her plumage Everyone was really chatty with me:) which normally never happens. I was called love, and dear and folk were very accepting. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop coming out, at least not for a while yet, but i'm getting there one gremlin at a time

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

Yes it seems to be for me, to be honest I was quite side-swiped by the intensity of emotions I've been feeling of late. I feel I'm at a crossroads again much like the feelings I had when I first came out, only much stronger. It's taken me a year to get here, but only this time It's not about being transgender it's about needing to fully transition and the effect that is going to have on the people surrounding me. A year ago all this was alway in the distant future, a bridge I'd cross when I got to it, but now I can see the bridge in the distance.

I conquered another gremlin today that is my local store.  I've always worn a hat or a head wrap before in there, until today, as I was insecure about showing my wig. Everywhere else no problem but that store I just felt a little self conscious.
Funny how certain things get caught up in your psyche as you stutter through the early stages of transition, it could also have be autism at play, I don't know, I'm kind of still learning about that too.
Anyway today i'm pleased to say the pesky store got the full Sadie in all her plumage Everyone was really chatty with me:) which normally never happens. I was called love, and dear and folk were very accepting. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop coming out, at least not for a while yet, but i'm getting there one gremlin at a time

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Wow Sadie, you are making strides aren't you? Wonderful! It is lovely to see this happening for you. No, I don't see Sadie going back into hiding again. I think she is demanding her time in the sunlight and in the world. Welcome to the world Sadie. Rejoice in the freedom!

Hugs,
   Laurie

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[Shy]

Wow Sadie, you are making strides aren't you? Wonderful! It is lovely to see this happening for you. No, I don't see Sadie going back into hiding again. I think she is demanding her time in the sunlight and in the world. Welcome to the world Sadie. Rejoice in the freedom!

Hugs,
   Laurie

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Thank you Laurie, you've been there with me every step of the way, I can't thank you enough as today turned out to be the official Sadie is going to get GRS day. 

I've just told my family that I want to fully transition and It was O.K. with them The first thing my Mum said was do you want any help changing your name by deedpol, I can't tell you how much that meant to me 🙂 No more awkward moments with bureaucracy and officialdom and the gesture was heartfelt and genuine.

It was the biggest risk I have taken in my life other than initially coming out as trans to them over a year ago. I didn't know how they would react for sure, how can anyone know in these situations. But I found the courage and it's done. I'm finally free of that worry.

Everything is up to me now, It hasn't all quite registered with me yet.
I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and panic, I know that, it's going to take time to work through a lot of unresolved issues as I begin to repair the damaged parts of my life.
But not now, now i'm going to eat chocolate, stuff my face with cake and pizza. Just spoil myself like it was my birthday, face plant a pavlova then toast every last one of you who have helped me to where I needed to be. Orange juice of course

Thank you all

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

Wow.  Just.... WOW!

Congratulations, Sadie!  I'm so glad your family is supporting you in these huge steps forward.

[Cindy]

Oh Sadie!

You are not just taking strides you are leaping along, and I think leaping with joy is coming through in your words.
I 've just woken up, checked Mod Reports and then started checking some posts and yours was the first ...what a great way to welcome the new day a good positive post!

[Laurie]

Thank you Laurie, you've been there with me every step of the way, I can't thank you enough as today turned out to be the official Sadie is going to get GRS day. 

I've just told my family that I want to fully transition and It was O.K. with them The first thing my Mum said was do you want any help changing your name by deedpol, I can't tell you how much that meant to me 🙂 No more awkward moments with bureaucracy and officialdom and the gesture was heartfelt and genuine.

It was the biggest risk I have taken in my life other than initially coming out as trans to them over a year ago. I didn't know how they would react for sure, how can anyone know in these situations. But I found the courage and it's done. I'm finally free of that worry.

Everything is up to me now, It hasn't all quite registered with me yet.
I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and panic, I know that, it's going to take time to work through a lot of unresolved issues as I begin to repair the damaged parts of my life.
But not now, now i'm going to eat chocolate, stuff my face with cake and pizza. Just spoil myself like it was my birthday, face plant a pavlova then toast every last one of you who have helped me to where I needed to be. Orange juice of course

Thank you all

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

That is WONDERFUL news, Sadie. Wonderful! Go ahead and celebrate girl. I can only imagine what having the support of Mum means to you.

Biggest Hugs for you Sadie.
   Laurie


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[LizK]

Hi Sadie

It was so lovely to come here and read of your progress. I can relate to the feelings...it took me awhile but things kept slapping me in the face with their obviousness(if that is a word)...all the doubts and fears have a way of finding there way to the surface wether we like it or not. It is how you go about dealing with these that makes the difference.

I can remember one day of absolute clarity as I went through the "Am I trans enough" doubts. I suddenly saw my life for the first time in context of how much of my life was consumed by my pursuit of transition even though I didn't even know what it was...in the back of my mind there had been that goal and most of the decisions I have made led me to this point.

I had a similar one about GRS which was instigated by someone here asking me a very simple question...the clarity I got from answering it told me all I needed to know to understand that GRS is what I have been always seeking and for such a long time.

Good on you Sadie it always makes me feel great when I see someone make progress like you are...fantastic

Hugs

Liz

[Kendra]

Sadie this is such great news - and I can relate to the stress leading to the that conversation.  As you have gained strong advocates within your family and especially your mother, your world has just changed.  I am so happy for you!

[Shy]

Wow.  Just.... WOW!

Congratulations, Sadie!  I'm so glad your family is supporting you in these huge steps forward.

Thank you Michelle

I remember when I first came to Susan's it was your updates that gave me hope. Thank you for sharing your continuing story with us all

Oh Sadie!

You are not just taking strides you are leaping along, and I think leaping with joy is coming through in your words.
I 've just woken up, checked Mod Reports and then started checking some posts and yours was the first ...what a great way to welcome the new day a good positive post!

Thank you Cindy, it was you who stopped me plummeting down a very dark hole. When I reach out you were there for me with wisdom, courage and a dignity that gave me the strength to move forward. Thank you

That is WONDERFUL news, Sadie. Wonderful! Go ahead and celebrate girl. I can only imagine what having the support of Mum means to you.

Biggest Hugs for you Sadie.
   Laurie

You've always been there for me Laurie, from the day I signed up to Susan's all trembling and confused, you were there. This is the wonderful quality of a very special person that I've had the privileged to get to know. We have fun but underneath it all there is a knowing of the struggle we both have that only forges our friendship stronger.

Hi Sadie

It was so lovely to come here and read of your progress. I can relate to the feelings...it took me awhile but things kept slapping me in the face with their obviousness(if that is a word)...all the doubts and fears have a way of finding there way to the surface wether we like it or not. It is how you go about dealing with these that makes the difference.

I can remember one day of absolute clarity as I went through the "Am I trans enough" doubts. I suddenly saw my life for the first time in context of how much of my life was consumed by my pursuit of transition even though I didn't even know what it was...in the back of my mind there had been that goal and most of the decisions I have made led me to this point.

I had a similar one about GRS which was instigated by someone here asking me a very simple question...the clarity I got from answering it told me all I needed to know to understand that GRS is what I have been always seeking and for such a long time.

Good on you Sadie it always makes me feel great when I see someone make progress like you are...fantastic

Hugs

Liz

Liz whenever you pop by to offer support or just say hello I feel safe, this is a special quality. You always know what to say at the right moments and turn up at just the right time. Thank you.

Sadie this is such great news - and I can relate to the stress leading to the that conversation.  As you have gained strong advocates within your family and especially your mother, your world has just changed.  I am so happy for you!

Kendra your smile lights up the forum with a warmth and joy that is just all encompassing. It's the only evidence I need that we can be ourselves in this world. Thank you

Davina I love to read your stories of life in the fast lane, you don't do things by half girl. Your creativity and courage is a joy to behold, and I bet you make the best pies in the U.K. 

So that's my oscar speech over. I know it's going to be years before my dream is realised but for now that's O.K. I'm already living as myself, I have socially transitioned. I won't be sorry to say goodbye to the physical dysphoria but even that seems a little more manageable now. I am learning patience one day at a time.

Peace and love and all that good stuff

Sadie