Dichotomy

[alannah]

I am possibly being a pest on this site now. I don't mean to be. I'm just struggling, that's all.

Today, Alannah is out in full force. It is like there are two people inside me and I seem unable to reconcile them. Right now, Alannah is winning, although I know it is not a battle. I just wish I knew how to accept it.

I just feel wonderful as Alannah - I feel confident, I love the feel of the clothing, the beauty routine, I just love all of it. I love feeling empowered. But I know the "real" me is biologically determined and there is nothing I can do about it.

Why oh why was I not born differently? I know I will never get to experience a childhood as a girl, although I wish so much that I had.

But the dichotomy is this - I know things can never be as I wish them to have been and I know I have certain regrets about how things have turned out. But I am a realist. This is here and now. I am actually beginning to think I am neither male nor female, something a consultant tried to tell me many years ago.

I was just wondering what others have done, what direction they have taken, whether they have pursued their goals, how they have done it, whether it has been worth it. I just want to know where to turn.

Alannah

[LizK]

I just feel wonderful as Alannah - I feel confident, I love the feel of the clothing, the beauty routine, I just love all of it. I love feeling empowered. But I know the "real" me is biologically determined and there is nothing I can do about it.....

.....Why oh why was I not born differently? I know I will never get to experience a childhood as a girl, although I wish so much that I had.

Hi Alannah

This is possibly the hardest question we all face..."I know I am trans and I know it is biological but what do I do about it?" It was a difficult one for me as well.

You say there is nothing you can do and things can never be as you wish...what is preventing you from doing what you want and having a life the way you wish it? What is it you want to do, if you could do it without the restrictions currently placed on you?

I hear so much regret in your post and I wonder what it is that you want, that you feel you don't deserve.

Liz

[KathyLauren]

But I know the "real" me is biologically determined and there is nothing I can do about it.

Alannah, being trans is also "biologically determined".  We are born this way.

You can't go back and change the past, but you can change the future.  So what kind of future do you want for yourself?  Transitioning, if that is what you decide to do, is hard.  But it is not nearly as hard as trying to stifle the urge to be female.

It took me a long time, 60 years, you realize that the urge would never go away, and that, in fact, it was getting worse.  The only thing to do was to act on it.  Today, I am newly-transitioned and loving it.  My only regret is not doing it sooner.

You should talk your situation over with a gender therapist, if only to clarify in your own mind what your goals are.

[Rachel]

I had a battle raging in me since age 5 when it was reinforced to be my assigned birth gender. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was spring, sunny and warm just before or after my 5th birthday.

I remember I was expressing with my sister's cloths, happy and smiling when I told my Mom I was a girl.

I started transition at age 50 and fully transitioned; I am now 54. I remember the day I kept my promise with myself. I remember where I was and who I was with. In my head I came to the point where the battle became too much. What followed was a series of suicide attempts, impulsive ones where I had no control of the outcome.

The war is over now and I have won. My suicidal ideation is gone; although, I still have moments but just in passing. What I did not know was that there is a cure for being trans with self hatred and being suicidal, transition.

[alannah]

I'm in tears. Thank you all so much. I do understand but it is so difficult, but I know you all know how difficult it is. Just thank you so much.

Alannah

[Devlyn]

I am possibly being a pest on this site now. I don't mean to be. I'm just struggling, that's all.

Today, Alannah is out in full force. It is like there are two people inside me and I seem unable to reconcile them. Right now, Alannah is winning, although I know it is not a battle. I just wish I knew how to accept it.

I just feel wonderful as Alannah - I feel confident, I love the feel of the clothing, the beauty routine, I just love all of it. I love feeling empowered. But I know the "real" me is biologically determined and there is nothing I can do about it.

Why oh why was I not born differently? I know I will never get to experience a childhood as a girl, although I wish so much that I had.

But the dichotomy is this - I know things can never be as I wish them to have been and I know I have certain regrets about how things have turned out. But I am a realist. This is here and now. I am actually beginning to think I am neither male nor female, something a consultant tried to tell me many years ago.

I was just wondering what others have done, what direction they have taken, whether they have pursued their goals, how they have done it, whether it has been worth it. I just want to know where to turn.

Alannah

I describe myself as being both male and female yet neither a man or a woman. Since I lean towards a female form, I decided to feminize my body further. There is room for us to be ourselves without wearing a boy or girl tag.  You'll find yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Claire]

I've heard Kate Bernstein talk and she spoke of transitioning and not feeling as a man or a woman afterwards but was still glad she transitioned and is seen as a woman. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kate_Bornstein#Transition_and_post-op
She talks about this in her book 'Gender Outlaw' which was recently updated. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1101973242/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1494158668&sr=8-2 you might find it a useful read. I did.


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[Dayta]

Heya Alannah,

It took me many years to recognize that I was suppressing the feminine aspects of myself, so I began to express them, little by little, doing things that helped me to feel better, and more like my true self.  I started wearing semi-ambiguous women' clothing, like jeans and socks, all of the time.  I grew my hair out longer.  I began carrying a handbag.  I started getting my nails done, first toes, then fingers. 

As I took each little step, I felt a little more like myself and a little more confident.  Eventually, I gained enough confidence and sense of self to take the first medical steps toward transition.

It sounds like you're doing some of the same kinds of things.  Trust yourself and trust the process.  You may end up somewhere in between binary male or female, or something entirely different.  But be aware of each step you take, so that you can adjust, left or right, forward or back, always heading toward your destination.  Even if you don't know exactly where that destination lies yet, if you pay attention, you'll find your way.  Good luck and keep us in the loop! 

Erin

P.S. I just read about a woman beginning her transition at 84.  It's never too late! 

[alannah]

Thank you. That is the deepest most heartfelt thanks I can give. Thank you.