To T or not to T?

[Caden]

I'm non binary but lean slightly toward male. (About 10 percent male and 90 percent 'gender, what is gender?')

So I'm thinking hard about testosterone. On the one hand, there are things I want that it might be able to give me. Being able to bulk up my upper body would be nice (not giant muscles, just decent ones). I have a lot of weight on my hips, butt, and thighs that barely seems to shift no matter how active I am. That's one of my main sources of dysphoria. Having a slightly lower voice could be neat. I hate my voice now (partly because it's a bit nasally, but I also played with some voice changers and was surprised how much better it sounded taking it down a couple notches.) I don't consider myself a very emotional person, but I do suffer anxiety attacks / sensory overload that show up through lots of tears. It's an involuntary reaction and very embarrassing. Less crying would be great (I hear that happens on T?)

Now the reasons why I'm hesitating:

Face changes I go back and forth about. Ideally I'd want to look like a hot young guy. Cute and maybe a little feminine, but not read as female. I know T is unlikely to get me that. I'm planning plastic surgery in the next couple years and am worried about achieving the face I want, then ruining it with T. I'm also worried about taking T and ending up looking too masculine.

I hate face and body hair and don't want any of it on me. Though this could be solved through hair removal. I'm also planning on having a couple kids in a few years and am worried about affects on fertility. Also worried about what happens when I need to stay off T while producing them.

I'm worried about getting stuck in an awkward inbetween state. Not passing as a guy but also looking pretty odd as a woman too (eg. a feminine body and face with a very deep voice). Also worried about the health risks some people say taking T has (some also say it ages you quicker).

Is there a way to get the benefits I want (body and face masculine enough to pass as a boy, and voice deep enough to pass as a guy without being ultra deep or ending up too masculine) without T? Did anyone else have the same worries before starting T, and how did it turn out for you?

[Elis]

I'm the opposite of how you described yourself (90% male and the rest agender). For me I need T because my dysphoria was too crippling pre T but I still find taking it a compromise. I like how I'm more muscular now but would prefer a bit less and a more androgynous looking body, I like how I don't look female anymore and how my voice has now deepeened but I dislike body hair. For me the physical downsides outweigh the huge mental benefit. But I can't say for certain if I want to take T forever. For now it works for me which is what matters.

As for health risks on T you'll have a higher chance of heart problems but that's the same as a cis man. A trans person is much more likely to catch problems earlier on than a cis person due to regular blood tests taken.

And unfortunately most trans guys don't start passing 100% until around 8 months I'd say on T; which by that time the changes such as body hair and voice have become permanent.

[Dena]

You might want to take a look at this thread as it's along the same line of thought.

[Kylo]

You won't get the voice without T; nor will your face and body lose the feminine fat that makes it rounder in places we associate with females. T will almost certainly increase your body hair but as you say that can be managed as you see fit. In my case it's now practically impossible to cry with T. From the looks of posts on this forum that is not the case with everyone but there's a general trend of people saying T makes them far less emotional, anxious and "teary".

If you want kids I'd advise you talk to a doctor at a gender clinic about it. Taking T for over a year will bring changes your reproductive organs, possibly shrink them, or induce sterility. If you stop taking T after some time, you will be left with a deficit of both male and female hormones, which can cause you some health issues, including a feeling of weakness, pain, and an unpleasant surge in anxiety/mood swings, possibly temporary thyroid issues. Your own body can take up to 8 months or more after having its normal functions blocked by external T to come back to producing its own hormones - that's a long time to be in a potentially weakened or anxious state. I'd think very carefully about the implications of training your body to accept T and then stopping, not something to be done lightly.

[Axolotl]

I'm going to give advice from a different perspective.  I'm AMAB but identify as binary female.  Also, I was androgynous as a kid and teen and didn't lose the obvious androgyny until puberty (T).  If you prefer to appear androgynous, taking T is a bad idea.  You will grow body hair, facial hair, and your hair texture will become more coarse.  For me the change was so dramatic that I went from having soft straight/wavy hair to having wirey/frizzy completely unstylable and unmanageable hair.  I went from having a very feminine appearance on my skin and face, to having body hair in places I didn't even know were possible.  The beard that followed is such a curse that I haven't been able to remove it even with electrolysis because it's left scar-like marks on my face.  The electrolysist said the only way we could proceed with the beard removal was by me being on HRT (anti-androgens and estrogen) for a longer period of time.

I highly do not recommend T if you have any attachment to being feminine or androgynous.  I hope this helps.

[Caden]

Thanks for the replies. They really helped me think this through. Pretty sure I've decided to hold off on T for now at least

[Sno]

Hi Caden,

I see your Hamlet, and raise you a Python...

What has T ever done for us?

Rowan

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

Now the reasons why I'm hesitating:

Face changes I go back and forth about. Ideally I'd want to look like a hot young guy. Cute and maybe a little feminine, but not read as female. I know T is unlikely to get me that. I'm planning plastic surgery in the next couple years and am worried about achieving the face I want, then ruining it with T. I'm also worried about taking T and ending up looking too masculine.

I hate face and body hair and don't want any of it on me. Though this could be solved through hair removal. I'm also planning on having a couple kids in a few years and am worried about affects on fertility. Also worried about what happens when I need to stay off T while producing them.

I'm worried about getting stuck in an awkward inbetween state. Not passing as a guy but also looking pretty odd as a woman too (eg. a feminine body and face with a very deep voice). Also worried about the health risks some people say taking T has (some also say it ages you quicker).

Is there a way to get the benefits I want (body and face masculine enough to pass as a boy, and voice deep enough to pass as a guy without being ultra deep or ending up too masculine) without T? Did anyone else have the same worries before starting T, and how did it turn out for you?

As someone who was born female but got stuck with too much testosterone naturally, I'm just gonna address the problems I have with T... and its a major part of my dysphoria, though I also had it before I went through puberty so the overload of T isn't the sole reason for it.

My face looks quite masculine if I'm not careful in how I do hair/makeup, but I don't think that's just the T.  But I do know that T has varying effects on facial appearance.  As for the hair, oh my... I have hair in places NO woman should have it. I have a 'stache that blends into my skin, and peach fuzz under my chin, and then we'll just say I have a very lovely happy trail, and leg hair.... that's very masculine how it grows, same as my pits. (though to be honest, the leg and pit hair really doesn't bother me at all)

Fertility effects:  Yeah, you'll most definitely have fertility issues, since too much T can block the FSH and LH hormones that cause you to make your follicles and release them/attach to your uterine lining. Won't elaborate too much but yeah.  Basically, too much T screws up your time of the month, making it hard to get pregnant.  This was my problem with too much T occuring in my system naturally. (If you're curious on the exact effects of T on fertility, look up PCOS and testosterone, good information there.)

Personally, if you are trying to be more visibly androgynous, I don't think you should do T, but that's just my personal opinion, because you'll probably get more of a masculine look than you want, especially since there are potential issues that can arise if you start T and then stop it.