My First of MANY Steps

[Erika_Courtney]

It has been a while since I have been on this site. I wasn't sure where the road was taking me after the last time I logged off. I had just started taking anti depressants and things seemed to be going good with my wife. I noticed an improvement in my mood since starting the anti depressants. Things were going good in life until a couple of weeks ago. My wife and I had a disagreement, we seemed to work through it, but the next week she came back with another issue and started the disagreement again. She talked about the scarifies she has made for our relationship and said I have done nothing but tare us apart. I really pushed the transgender thoughts away for months, but after the fight they started coming back. One day I stood in front of a mirror and looked myself in the eyes and admitted things that I have always tried to hide. When I was younger, I noticed my female friends bodies changed and my body did not change like theirs, I always wanted my body to change like theirs and if I could pick the features of my body without the preassigned male or female feature, my body would come out looking more female then male. After the conversation with myself there is no denying who I am. The questions is do I keep suppressing it to try and save a marriage that even without the transgender issues, may still fall apart or do I move toward discovering my authentic self and begin to take steps toward living as a woman, dooming my marriage.

The two roads, road one keep taking anti depressants and try and hold my marriage together or the second road contact my old therapist who supported my transition to a woman. I know that only I can make this decision. I am coming to terms with losing my wife, which maybe for the better, as I will be able to explore sexuality as a woman and no longer be forced to fulfill a male role that I have never really liked. I always thought that if I transitioned, I had to be with another woman, but after reading how others have found confront with a man after transition, I might as well.

[Cassi]

"To Thine Own Self Be True".

[krobinson103]

I think you need to be yourself. If you lose the marriage at least you have a new path. My marriage is pretty fragile as well but I'm willing to take the risk to create new possibilities.

[elkie-t]

It will always be like so. She's making sacrifices being with you (at least in her mind) and not the other way around.


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[Jacqueline]

Erika,

I am not saying this is true of you. However, it is my belief that there will always be a resentment if you do not follow through on your experimentation.

I love my wife and my kids are amazing. I do not resent her or them but I was a moron who did not even know themselves well enough to see the signs for 50 years. How could I resent them if it was my fault I did not follow through on my impulses? I only regret I did not realize young enough to start earlier. I only resent myself for not waking up sooner. This of course also makes me feel guilty. If I had explored years ago, I would not have the support network I am blessed to have in my wife(isn't thrilled but fully supports me so far) and my kids.

I guess I'm saying if I were in your shoes, I would feel guilty and like I screwed up with either choice. However, with perfect 20/20 vision from this point....that resentment will most likely come along if you try to stick it out with your wife.

Sorry I don't have cheerier suggestions. It is also my perspective, not having personally experienced your situations. You may wish someone else could help but the decision is yours. As you well know, therapists can help narrow it down...

I wish you love, luck, acceptance and a smooth journey.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[Erika_Courtney]

Yesterday I decided to go out as Erika, it has been months since I have dressed in girl mode and the first time I really went out during the day in girl mode. I decide to go shopping and felt that at least I could be in the woman's section without feeling out of place. It was the best experience of my life. In the first store I was looking at tops and the sales lady asked me if she could help me because I was in the plus size section and clearly to her was not plus size. Then in the next store I found a few tops to try one and while in the fitting room the sale lady came to the door and asked mama could I get you any other sizes? Then in the third store I tried on two sweaters and a dress. Yes, I said dress, I tried on a dress and it was super cute looking, but I don't have the legs for it. Then I went two shoe stores and tried on heels and boots. That made 5 stores in one day, that might not be a lot for some girls, but for my normal guy mode and one store pick it out and leave, 5 is a lot. Oh and I just didn't try on clothes for size, I keep looking in the mirror to see how I looked, I was just so happy with the image I saw. Normally, I just try clothes on for size. I love shopping in girl mode.

Which leads me to post shopping what's next?
I am starting to look for an apartment. Since I don't see things ending well with my wife in the long term.
I want to father a child before I start hormones and my wife wants a baby.
After she gets pregnant, I want to start hormones. I am not going to tell her about starting hormones. I am going to see how the first couple months of low dose goes. If things go as I think they will and the hormones work, I am going to tell my wife I want a divorce.

If my body blooms quickly on hormones, then if just stands as further proof that I was a woman along and my brain was the first to realize it and now my body is responding to the right hormones. 

[Dena]

I don't know. You really shouldn't consider having a child until you come into agreement with your wife about HRT. Divorces with a child involved get quiet complicated including the fact you will probably have to support the child until adulthood. In addition you may need to provide some support for your wife and the outlay of money could limit your transition. A little agreement now could save you an enormous amount of grief latter on.

[Erika_Courtney]

You made some good points in your post Dena.

It is one thing to think about a plan or idea in your head, it is another to see it written down. The plan seems simple in my head, but in reality it is much more complicated. There is the nine month pregnancy, plus the months right after birth. This is not really time for a baby to be moving from place to place. So could I just hide the changes for hormones for months and wait it out. A lot more questions then answers at this time.

To address what you said, Dena, my wife and I have already talked about divorce and she wants to be part of any children we have lives. We would probably share custody and I hope to live near by to make the whole custody thing work better. I plan on being active in any child's life, not just financially, but emotionally as well. The biggest issue is discussing transition with my wife again. I can see it now, she will cry and I will feel awful and take it all back and promise to be her husband and never say the T word again.

I know the first step is to get back in therapy and while in therapy start developing Erika's life. 

[Erika_Courtney]

I haven't posted in a long time because I have just been depressed. The short version of a long story is this. One night while in guy mode, I was jumped and repeatedly hit in the face, breaking a bunch of bones. Thanks to good a surgeon and a lot of metal plates, they were able to put my face back together. I have been spending the last months recovering and had little motivation to do anything. Honest, my wife has been super when it comes to taking care of me. I wasn't able to do a lot of things I would normally do so she stepped up and helped.

I hope to have better news to share soon, as I continue this crazy journey that is called life.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Erika

I recall some of your posts earlier in the year and I am glad you have now returned to Susans' and  I look forward to chatting in due course when you are ready.

I am so sad you have been attacked and no doubt you have suffered physical aswell as mental pain. I am relieved surgeons seem to have done a good job and I wish you a speedy and full recovery.

Hugs


Pamela

[Nikkimn]

Congrats on the first big step. It's never going to get any easier to come out to a spouse. It's great you are both going to counseling that will help figure things out and help ease the doubt.

[Erika_Courtney]

Well today is one full week, 7 days since I told my wife I am not a man, I'm not a woman either, I am Nonbinary and I am going to start cross dressing. I offered to be respectful at this point and not cross dress in front of her. There was a lot of silence and we just went on our way. In the last week we haven't revisited the topic, but more importantly I did not it back.

[Erika_Courtney]

One final post before I move on from this series of post.

The spring of 2018 will go down as the perfect storm. I was about to have my cake and eat it to, until one night that changed the course of the future. A place I have walked hundreds of times would become a crime scene, I would be left bleeding on the ground as a man ran way with my wallet. My cell phone so covered with blood, I couldn't call for help. After weeks of doctors visits and reconstructive surgery, I won't even be able to shower on my own. The wife who I had thought just weeks ago about breaking her heart, was my care giver. Even as my physical wounds healed, my mental wounds became more apparent. There was no longer talk transitioning, going in different directions from my wife. I couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed. When I realized how bad things were, I called a therapist for help. Just weeks before all this happened there was talk of babies and transitioning to a woman, now it was just a chore to get out bed in the morning. How could a be a father to a new baby, if getting out of bed was a chore? I better start getting better because a baby is on its way. At some point in therapy came the question what were you doing out there when you got attacked. I knew what was going on in my head, but I didn't want to go down that rabbit home, but I went there and talked about my desires to be female instead of male. Things went different from there, there was no only being a woman will make you happy so get ready to leave your wife. Instead there was talk about what changes would make you comfortable and would your wife be open to these things. It open a new dialogue between my wife and I. There have been points on this journey where I have said this is what I want and what I am going to do. My wife gets frustrated when I do this, but nothing so far has pushed her out of the picture. We have now welcomed a new addition into our family. I started a low dose of estrogen, my wife isn't thrilled, but hasn't left me either. We have horrible days, bad days, good days and the rare great day, but overall there are more good then bad.

[Jennifer300]

I read the entire thread and sympathize with you Erika.  I wanted to share a web site with you and the other members here.  It is a LGBT physician locator.  My Doctor shared it with me, the Doctor has to make an effort to be put on this list.  I know earlier in this thread finding the right therapist was important.  I also saw where getting one not trained in Transgender issues may give a wrong diagnosis and maybe give a spouse a "diagnosis' that will be hard to invalidate with future evidence once they hear what they want to hear.  It is nationwide.  I have learned a lot from this thread, Thank you for sharing your story.  I am glad you are in a good place with your wife.  I hope it all goes well for you both and you both enjoy the happiness you both deserve.   

https://www.outcarehealth.org/