Coming out

[Veryconfusedperson]

How do I come out? I've always had a fear of looking at me differently then others and if I come out I feel like that is what will happen. I don't want to be looked at and be assumed cis or trans, I just what people to see me as how I feel. I also do a lot of that more males do and I'm worried about who all I would have to come out to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dayta]

Hi veryconfused,

I chose a few old friends, all of whom live out of town, and sent them each a note explaining my situation.  Each one of them instantly offered support and empathy, which gave me courage to reach out a little further, including to my family.  Maybe there's one special or close friend that you feel you can confide in.  Once you've breached that first one, every other person that you bring into your circle just continues to build the group of people on your side. 

It's good to remember that the way to gain peoples' trust is not to show your ability to keep secrets, but rather the vulnerability to reveal something about yourself, putting yourself out there.  I think that for good friends, being brought into that little circle is an honor, and they may see that already.  Or you may point out that they are special to you by being among the first to know your secret. Good luck to you. 

Erin

[Tammy Jade]

Same here, I chose 2 of my oldest friends who I was reasonably confident would take it ok. I wrote them a full 2 page letter explaining what I was going through, where I was headed, how it affected them (ie names and pronouns) and gave it to them at our weekly Catch-up.

I asked them to both read it afterwards (mainly because there were other people there) and that night both messaged me back with very supportive comments.

Once I had broken the ice with them and got positive responses it gave me the courage to tell everyone else.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[desertson1968]

My personal experience is that for my well being I had to develop thick skin.Dealing with painful issues like pronouns and learning to consistently correct the people in my life with confidence, understanding they called me she or my birth name all my life and giving them positive reinforcement and thanking them for respecting me enough to make their adjustments and I do my best to be patient,there is only one person I just deal with it, he's refused to have any co-operation or recognize any thing to do with it.Its my oldest brother and I rarely communicate with him so I had to let go of it and move on.Another issue is YES, I get stared at, I do not pass all the time and they confuse me with being a extremely butch dyke, I try to always state I am Trans, this is my name, and I appreciate your efforts to understand and treat me respectfully,many people are uneducated and wind up asking questions and it ends up being a good experience.Ive learned I cannot be a happy person being defensive, demanding and easily insulted.Then there's the looks of hate, I know it well and I usually maintain eye contact until they look away. If I became angry or hostile every time things like this happened I would be the one to ultimately suffer,ulcers,stress, hating people, that's a miserable life so I continue to do my thing and I let it go.Rejection is painful but comes with the territory transitioning. I am responsible for my own happiness and definition. People can be hateful and miserable all they want,they will not pee on my parade.As a Transman I occasionally deal with cis males that I seem to really bother, I assume I threaten or disturb them so deeply they are enraged. I have dealt with it calmly,they are obviously insecure and have mental issues,not my problem, it's theirs and they can F themselves. I let it go.Now I am not advocating violence at all but I have more than once had to physically engage with ignorance, being a angry person since childhood until I finally came out and began my journey I was frequently violent and particularly with males so the upside of it was I have no problem defending myself but prefer my conceal and carry especially now with the victimization of our community, I keep my safety in mind and never let people set me back to the emotional wreck I used to be. I have at least my 2nd Amendment rights and it is my choice to make. I am in charge of my own happiness and personal transformation. I have no control over others,yes people hate me and wish we didn't exist,yes we are rejected alot,stared at,discriminated, outcasted,made fun of,called cruel names the list goes on. I accepted that reality and made the decision that I will have a happy,calm, fruitful life as the man I was destined to be wether they like it or not, they will not make my choices, force me to accommodate their stupidity or be a part of my world. I've learned to rid myself of toxic people that even though I love them I refuse to tolerate them. I chose instead to surround myself with people that are worthy of my love, I am friendly and am not going to let people take my entitled rights away. I have used the same restroom,mens,for years without a problem and I will never change that, I am armed to redirect anyone thinking about hurting me and protect myself. I do not search out acceptance, I accept myself and if your a idiot it will be you not me that will not be tolerated. I do not need permission or approval from anyone, I'm my own man, I'm mannered,self reliant and peaceful. I go out in the world,take care of my business, loyal customer to those that value my business and best of all I do find a little thrill when I'm in public and I'm being stared at with hate I try to get the employees and customers around me laughing and talking,it pisses those haters off and boom,your day is ruined with your own sickness and insecurities, I'm having a great time, I'm obviously the one with better quality of life.This is a hard journey to take on but we really have no choice so I want to enjoy as much as I can. I hope you find my words encouraging, helpful. The very best of wishes to you in this challenging world we have to deal with. Remember we do have many cis allies and there are accepting loving people out there, acceptance of self seems to allow our hearts to recognize them. Love of self, and self worth has been a job, I personally benefit tremendously from therapy. I mean hey those staring may just be checking you out in a good way.Stay positive and remember how remarkably special we are.Haters are usually miserable people beneath us. We are the strong ones.They are too weak to even bother with.Who really cares what they think, I don't even want to know.Peace.

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

[Elis]

I think the best way of coming out to parents is to send an email; that way you can get your thoughts in order. Start with how you felt in the past about your assigned gender, how you feel now and your transition plans for the future. Then include helpful links. For distant relatives I don't really see much I just sent an email saying I was trans, this is my new name and pronouns and if they had any questions feel free to ask.

Unfortuanetly you can't fix how people will then see you or people who still choose to be ignorant after some time of explaining things to them. You simply have to just be yourself (I like what Dayta said about showing a vulnerable side to yourself).

To add it may be more likely that a trans person is more likely to be 'clocked' due to more media attention surrounding trans people, but looking around I've seen cis men who are the same height as me and cis women who are taller than me so you just got to not let it get to you. Once you get past that first year on HRT things will become easier. You'll start recognising yourself in the mirror so the things that used to cause you dysphoria won't so much anymore and family will start to get used to you being trans if they haven't already when you initially came out.

[LaRell]

  I know the feeling of wanting to be able to just be able to "Pass" as if you were always fully the gender you feel.  I don't want to look like a man who is trying to be a woman.  I want to look like a woman.    Buy yes, coming out can be a very scary thing.  Fear of what others will think, keeps us from freely and openly doing a lot of things in life that we would love to do.  My wife was the very first person I actually came out to.  Followed by my other best friend, and then my sister found out.  I have never told my parents, but based on comments my mom has made, it seems like maybe my sister told my mom.  And since my parents are not at all the kind of people to be open to such a thing, yes things are now very weird between me and my parents.  I work remotely for my parents business, working from home, so the thought of losing my job over it is pretty scary and causes me to not want to rock the boat too much.

How do I come out? I've always had a fear of looking at me differently then others and if I come out I feel like that is what will happen. I don't want to be looked at and be assumed cis or trans, I just what people to see me as how I feel. I also do a lot of that more males do and I'm worried about who all I would have to come out to.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Veryconfusedperson]

Thank you guys, I did come out to my 2 best friends last November and they were accepting but I knew they would be because one is trans and the other is bi. I don't think I can tell anyone else but I'm tired feeling this way. I'm not even sure how I can afford anything saying I'm 18 with a 10 an hour job. I'm frightened by the idea of coming out to my parents. I really just want to get away from my entire family but then don't want to be an ->-bleeped-<- to them. I'm just very confused hence my name. If I can just drop off the grid right now and not have to worry about screwing stuff up for other people I would. I was thinking of going to the coast guard to be a pilot because their new trans policy will be in full effect when I join but I don't know if that will work out, if they'll help me transition, how transition in the military would be like and like i stated before I'm scared to death of people looking at me differently then how I feel.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rainecloude]

Hey,

You will find the best way to come out that works for you. Just make sure that you are safe to do so and that you have your life set up as best as possible to take care of yourself if things don't go how you plan. <3

For me personally I had to come out 3 times before it actually stuck so don't be disheartened if it doesn't go smoothly right of the bat!

Much love <3

[MeTony]

You are not alone. It is very difficult to come out. But maybe it's all in my head. I already dress in men's cloths. I always have, since I got to decide what to wear my self.

I "vaccinate" people around me. I wear more and more male clothing and put pictures on facebook of me where I look male. I have only gotten positive reactions. People know me like this. But taking the next step. It's hard. Only my psychiatrist and a close friend knows the truth.

I am getting there. Slowly. But I'm getting there, where I can be myself.