To tell or not to tell

[Erika_Courtney]

One night I came to the conclusion that I could be transgender. At the urging of my wife I started counseling. I saw a gender therapist for the first time this past week. It was a good experience, I have had a lot trauma in life and it has caused lasting problems and it felt good to have someone to talk with it about.

The one thing I did not mention to the therapist was that I thought I could be transgender. I am not in therapy to get a hormones letter and I don't see myself presenting as female in five years.

Should I tell my therapist, I think I could be transgender or should I just tell my life story and let them give me feedback?

[Sophia Sage]

Talk about your feelings -- specifically, the emotions that arise from being gendered a certain way.  Do you feel dysphoric about being gendered male?  Euphoric when gendered female?

You can do this without diagnosing yourself. 

[Janes Groove]

One night I came to the conclusion that I could be transgender.

You could try just being as accurate as possible in describing the thoughts that led you this conclusion on that particular nite.  If this might make you feel more comfortable, in terms of not giving your therapist a bias one way or the other about whether you are or are not transgender.

Sort of like when you go to the doctor and you don't wan't to tell the doctor you have, say for example high blood pressure.  You wouldn't tell the doctor, "I think I have high blood pressure."  You just describe the symptoms and let the doctor come to their own conclusion.

This approach requires 100% honesty.

[Dena]

You should tell your therapist at your next appointment. Being transgender is a self diagnosed condition so it's possible your therapist might not consider it. If you decide to act on your feeling will still be up to you but your results in therapy will be better if all your cards are on the table.

[Erika_Courtney]

Thank you everyone for you thoughts. I am only on my second appointment, and the first one that will be solo, I have a long journey ahead. I will definitely update my First of MANY Steps thread after my next appointment. 

Because this is my fear:
If I start with the idea that I am transgender, I can draw a line through nearly 40 years of life events to that end. Of course in this case I focus on the details that support my belief I am transgender and leave out or discount events that would point to not being transgender. One of the be things that make me think I am transgender, is that I when people break up into groups, I always go with females. My thought was simple, why would I want to hang out with a bunch of guys? You could say then that I must identify as female. Does it matter that my next step is rate which one I would want to be romantically involved with from top to bottom. I also struggle with the question what is dysphobia, since it can be different for everyone.

[Michelle_P]

Tell the therapist about this feeling.  Please.

You will get the best results in therapy by being brutally honest about yourself, to both yourself and the therapist.  If the therapist has to guess at things, if they sense that you are holding something back, then they will not be able to guide you as effectively as if they have all the information out there.

This goes for all folks in therapy, BTW, not just folks questioning their gender identity.

[Ashley3]

... Should I tell my therapist, I think I could be transgender or should I just tell my life story and let them give me feedback? ...

You should tell or discuss with your gender therapist anything you wish. If you're asking whether or not you "should" tell your therapist something, I sort of feel you have a deep need to want to discuss it. If you're truly unsure whether or not you even want to discuss it... that's fine... regardless, if you have no other approach and feel stuck, there's certainly nothing wrong with being really simple and asking your gender therapist just what you asked in the above quote: Hey, can I ask, in these sessions, should I tell you I sometimes wonder if I could be transgender?

You should feel 999% comfortable asking things like that, or straight out making a statement of your wonderment about your own state as a transgender person.

[Dena]

Therapy is far more complex that you saying your transgender and that's it. The therapist will want to get a feel for where you are. It possible to have other conditions that might require medication to deal with or there could be environmental issues as the result of living life. The therapist will want to know all of this because there are conditions that can masquerade as gender dysphoria and they need to be ruled out. Discuss everything about your life, good and bad because the therapist will want to know everything.

[Erika_Courtney]

Honestly I am just afraid. I am sure that you were all at that point and I don't know if I want the courage to over come the fear.

Ashley3 you are right I want to discuss it, I have never wanted to talk about something so much in my life. I have trouble sleeping at night because I want to get my story out their and in the end someone look me in the eye and say you are, I fear what comes next.


Thank you for your support, everyone.

[Ashley3]

Honestly I am just afraid. I am sure that you were all at that point and I don't know if I want the courage to over come the fear.

Ashley3 you are right I want to discuss it, I have never wanted to talk about something so much in my life. I have trouble sleeping at night because I want to get my story out their and in the end someone look me in the eye and say you are, I fear what comes next.

Thank you for your support, everyone.

Hi Erika,

You shouldn't worry about a thing... you are totally correct, most everyone here has gone through similar emotions. This is not to say there aren't unique colors of your journey you have or will discuss but generally speaking what you're expressing that you feel is totally on par.

Since talking about inner thoughts in therapy can be so immensely difficult for folks starting out, if not at times ongoing, it can be really important to just try to find a simple way to start sharing and talking.

The simple reality is that you wonder if you are transgender. There are likely reasons for that wonderment. You may be aware of some, perhaps all, perhaps none. You don't have to worry if you don't have it all figured out. Just start with that very special thing, the simple reality of your situation... you wonder if you are transgender, you are afraid to share that fact, you are afraid to ask someone about it, you are afraid of the answer.

Those are simple points... you can just bring that up (as one example... not saying that has to be your way, just suggesting it's there for the taking).

Unless your therapist qualifies otherwise, I personally feel you don't need to worry so much about the therapist's job as much as showing up and conveying what's troubling you, what weighs on your mind, what issues you want to discuss. You don't have to have anything figured out.

Your biggest problem right now is not the potential outcomes you're worried about but rather that you aren't sharing that in therapy yet. To me that seems like your biggest issue and it's easily solved by finding a way to bring it up.

You could just start that by saying, "I wonder if I'm transgender and I'm afraid to find out Yes."

That's a great start and it's not a proclamation. I've not heard you make any proclamations... all you're expressing shows you've got feelings that you're uncertain about and are worried you'll discover you're transgender. That's wonderment. You've got anxiety about things you wonder and worry about. You can just start by sharing that with your therapist. These folks hear everything all the time... not that your story isn't unique but just keep that in mind. I can't see you not feeling like a million if not a billion bucks just by starting there (or some place of your choosing... again I'm just saying that sometimes starting simple is a great catalyst).

If it helps, keep in mind, even if you find out your trans, it doesn't mean you have to start HRT, it doesn't mean you have to have surgery. My silly mistake in the 90s was living with similar fear while privately cross-dressing and using makeup. If I had only known that going to therapy didn't mean the world would know, or that going to therapy didn't mean I would never work again, all that stuff... had I known, I'd have likely transitioned so much earlier. I was sooo close... I mean when I think back.

There are no cookie cutters despite how things seem. You just want to share your worries and have an exchange for starters. I personally believe that first step is so healthy for the mind. It's a huge relief. My belief is that the key is for you to find a way to begin that first step of sharing your thoughts and worries in this area.

I sense you'll have a breakthrough... here's wishing you a wonderful next session!

Cheers,
Ashley

[Erika_Courtney]

So I don't post the same thing twice. I posted about my therapist appointment yesterday.


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,223451.new.html#new

[Artesia]

I went fearing being what was to be.  Using the VA system I get to read her notes, and one of the early notes was to rule out Gender Dysphoria, which made me angry.  I asked about it later, and found that it was her way of reminding herself one of the things to monitor during our sessions.  I also found that my emotional response to it was how I finally figured it out.  She said that she would have diagnosed it in those first few sessions, except that I seemed to be trying to prove I wasn't.  I will say, that I am much happier now, I'm glad I did it.  Let your words flow to your therapist, they will help you.

[Erika_Courtney]

Thank you for your input. I tried to open up, I get the feeling now that they just weren't listening. Looking back the day I came out to the therapist was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I got three questions, do you want a vagina, no, do you want breast, no, are to wearing women's clothes, no. Their response, your not transgender. That was two sessions ago, after she interrupted me during my last session, I am currently in the process of breaking up with her.