How do you deal with a transphobic Inlaw?

[Cimara]

Hello everyone.  I am at my wits end with my boyfriend's mother. Being Mothers day she was here earlier today.My boyfriend is FtM. His mother always misgenders him and calls him by his birth name. She refers to him as her "daughter". She regularly does this in public. Lucas has been on testosterone for 3 years and had top surgery. He is 100% passable. When people hear her referring to a muscular guy with tattoos and facial scruff as SHE and HER  and calling him a female name they think she is ->-bleeped-<- crazy. It is just so messed up that she is willing to embarrass herself just to hurt him. She also outed him to my family. He asked if we could not tell my family he was trans. Which I had no problem with. At Christmas our families got together for a Christmas party of sorts. His mother kept misgendering him all night in front of my family. Finally my sister asked her what was up. She proceeded to explain in my front of everyone that Lucas was trans. My mother told her that it was totally inappropriate for her to discuss Lucas personal business in front of everyone. But the damage was done. My family totally accepts him. It was just that he preferred that they not know.

I absolutely hate being around this ignorant tiny minded woman!  There is so much I would LOVE to say to her but I can't. No matter how transphobic she is she is still his mother. She thankfully doesn't misgender me. But she isn't exactly happy with me either.  Once she told me that I was very beautiful but it didnt matter because I was not and never would really be female. She tells Lucas the same thing. That no matter how handsome he becomes or how much he looks like a man he never will really be one.  She has also said that since Lucas and I want to be together we should have both stayed the way we were.

The rest of his family is very accepting of him. I wish we could just cut his mother out of the loop. But again its his mother and he still loves her. And unfortunately she lives close and drops by often.😤  I get a headache when I know I have to spend time with her. Has anyone else had in-law trouble and if so would did you do?

[Denise]

That sucks.  But in passing it makes her look, as you said, like an ->-bleeped-<-.  I would go further with bat crazy.

Does she love him?  I would suggest that you try to make her understand how dangerous telling people can be.  In the wrong company it could be life threatening.



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[Cimara]

Yes she loves him. Or so she has said. Personally I don't know how you could keep hurting someone that you claim to love. I have tried many times to talk to her about Lucas and the damage she is doing by treating him that way. I have told her how much it hurts him when she misgenders him. But she doesn't listen. She is full of denial about the whole situation. She seems to think Lucas is going to wake up one day and decide it was all a mistake and become her daughter again. Im afraid its a little late for that now.  I have also told her it is dangerous to out him in public. She dismisses my warnings. I told her some people act violently toward trans people. I suggest she watch the movie "boys don't cry". She said she had seen it and that something like that couldn't happen here.  The thing she can't seem to understand is that eventually Lucas will give up on her ever accepting him as the man he is and cut her out of his life. 

[Laurie]

  The thing she can't seem to understand is that eventually Lucas will give up on her ever accepting him as the man he is and cut her out of his life.

Cimara,

   And that there is the solution. It is time he grew the balls to stand up to her. Then issue the ultimatum of cutting her out of the picture. If she does love him she will eventually learn what she has not wanted to learn for 3 years. Her "daughter" is a son, accept it or stay away.

   That is my 2 cents and probably about all it is worth. Sorry you two are having to deal with the woman.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[Cimara]

I agree with you Laurie. I have told him it might be time to cut her loose. He wants to try giving her more time.  I doubt more time will do any good.  The woman is hopeless. Her views on trans people are horrible. She has said that both Lucas and I are high functioning individuals with a serious mental disorder.

"Lucas needs to grow a pair of balls"  that really made me laugh. Believe me if he could he would. Lol

[WolfNightV4X1]

Ignorant cis people logic:

He looks like a man, acts like a man, feels like a man, behaves like a man, has physical characteristics of a man (pre-T), talks like a man, walks like a man, associates with other men, generally isn't really perceived as anything other than a man publically

All the above, but not born with a dick: woman

[FTMDiaries]

Giving her more time is simply going to mean giving her more time in which to keep doing the same thing. You have to shake things up if you want things to change. If your boyfriend passes 100%, his mother does look crazy to other people every time she does this. Does she realise that? Have you pointed this out to her? Rather than focusing on how it makes Lucas feel, why not explain to her that she's making herself look like she's lost her marbles?

I had a couple of relatives who would do this to me constantly, despite my regular explanations of how it made me feel and how they were putting my safety in danger by outing me. They kept doing it regardless, so after many months of patiently explaining where they were going wrong I finally gave them an ultimatum: treat me with respect, use the correct name & pronouns, and do not talk about my confidential medical history without my express permission. I told them that if they chose to continue humiliating me in public, I would act like they're crazy and I'd humiliate them.

They didn't heed the warning.

So the next time they misgendered me in public I used my acting background to act like they're a mental patient on day release. I would get all embarrassed & apologise to the third party for my relative's obvious illness. I'd say something like "I'm so sorry, my relative is on day release from the hospital. It's so sad how she's lost touch with reality since The Incident and she's overdue for her meds. I was hoping we could stay out longer but it looks like it's time to get her back to the hospital now." The third party would leave very quickly after that; nobody wants to be part of such an awkward conversation!

My relatives would be livid about this of course, but then as soon as the third party was out of earshot I'd turn to them & say that this is exactly what they can expect if they don't respect my identity and my privacy. And that I would do it every time they chose to overstep the mark. Why should I be the one feeling humiliated due to someone else's misbehaviour? I can quite happily spread some humiliation around if they want to start something!

I only had to do this twice before they learned to respect my privacy!

I also never answer to the wrong name & pronouns (I immediately blank you & completely ignore anything you're saying if you use the wrong ones). The only way to stop her from doing it is to give her consequences for her behaviour... and then stick to them.

[Cimara]

OMG, that is hilarious! I would love to see him do that to her. Lol. We have both told her what a fool she makes of herself misgendering him. She should know from the looks people give her. But she is more interested in trying to "shame" him than worried about making herself look stupid.  Lucas has been on testosterone for three years. He is a good height 5'9, he has been working out since before testosterone and is jacked. He has had the top surgery as well. So I would think his mother would realize he is not going to change his mind. I have been making suggestions to him about cutting ties with her. But maybe its time for me to be more direct on the subject. I fear sooner or later she will try to out me in public as well. If that happens I won't hold back any longer.

[ainsley]

I have had to deal with in-laws that will not treat me with respect.  A few simply will not gender me correctly and dead name me.  I absolutely stopped associating with them.  I give people a few chances, express my issue with the way they are treating me, then nix them from my life if they continue.  This included my sister and my mother in-law.  I will not be subject to their hurtful ways.  It is like domestic abuse, IMHO.  They intend to degrade and belittle my standing as a person.  I will not tolerate it.

[Jennifer RachaelAnn]

Unfortunately, family or not, there are some people who get a kick out of being derogatory towards others. It seems to me, that she is having fun in trying to make trans people look like delusional freaks, and she wants everyone to know that. I feel that if she truly loved her son, she wouldn't be pulling this crap. Maybe she is beyond ignorant about the LGBTQ community, or maybe she is prejudice against all of us. She doesn't sound like a very good person to me. My family is the same way, which is why I've cut them all out of my life. She only wants to make things as hard as humanly possible, both for you and for him. Tread lightly, but don't walk on eggshells. If it had been me, I guarantee there would have been a screaming match at the very least. But I wouldn't suggest that, as I don't know your full situation. Also it would probably make things worse anyway.

[Chenji]

As other people have suggested, it might be time for your other half to give her a time out in the naughty corner.  (IE a bit of a break).  Works wonders with kids, and surprisingly well with adults.

[Kylo]

Dealing with someone who lacks empathy gets easier when you develop a little empathy-control of your own.

[Jacqueline]

As other people have suggested, it might be time for your other half to give her a time out in the naughty corner.  (IE a bit of a break).  Works wonders with kids, and surprisingly well with adults.

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[KatieByrne]

I have had to deal with in-laws that will not treat me with respect.  A few simply will not gender me correctly and dead name me.  I absolutely stopped associating with them.  I give people a few chances, express my issue with the way they are treating me, then nix them from my life if they continue.  This included my sister and my mother in-law.  I will not be subject to their hurtful ways.  It is like domestic abuse, IMHO.  They intend to degrade and belittle my standing as a person.  I will not tolerate it.

I think this is the best way to deal with family who refuse to make any effort have any empathy towards your situation.

Half of my family (my fathers side) absolutely hate me for being transgender and basically would do the same thing if i ever saw them or had to spend time with them. So i just stopped seeing them. completely.

I have learned over the past 7 years that this is the best course of action to take with ANYONE who misgenders me or refuses to accept who i am. It's always people who knew me in my 'past life' though. Noone i've met since transitioning really gives me any trouble over this. Well, yet anyway.

But yeah i'd say cut her out of your life. If your Boyfriend would be willing to of course.

[bubbles21]

Hey,

It's horrible that you and your partner are going through this. In my experience with ppl like this i tried and tried to get them to respect me but it became just another chance for them to be hateful and in the end i just completely cut everyone off who would act this way. I received death threats and threats of violence and It has been over 8 years since i have spoken to ppl in my family and i feel better for it. It's like a weight lifted off your shoulders. The last i heard anything about them was when my grandfather died and they put the thing in the local paper and my dead name was used which just showed me that cutting them out of my life was the right decision. My suggestion is if you arent willing to say something to her than it has to come from your partner and if she continues to act this way then cut her out of both your lives completely. Transitioning is hard enough or being trans has it's own challenges/obstacles where ignorance from family members or friends is not something anyone should tolerate.

With google around it costs nothing for ppl to educate themselves, so I have no tolerance for ppl who intend to be ignorant. I recently cut my mother out of my life due to her trying to stand in the way of me leaving the country to have my GCS. It's sad that it has to come to that but i have no regrets putting my happiness and well being before ignorant ppl 

[Doreen]

Sadly my mother does the exact same thing to me... and I'm girl passable too.  I thought 'more time' was the solution, but bigotry and prejudice knows no time frame.. its their choice to be total jerks about it, and nothing you can say or do will change THEIR mind unless they want to change it themselves.

I'd wishfully think 'more time' would help, but I personally doubt it at this point (3 years later).  Distancing yourself and keeping them as far away as possible was my solution.   I tried calling my mother on this mothers day (25 years later since I transitioned)... and she still acts like a right-winged self-righteous dingbat.  She did everything in her power to try stopping me.  Even thought of christian camps that prevent this... which would have left permanent scarring if my mind wasn't already set on being true to myself.

In the end nothing you can do will change it.  Chock it up to a lost cause and you'll be pleasantly surprised if they (ever) come around.

[Cimara]

Lucas mother was going to send him to conversion camp when he was 14. Only his fathers intervention stopped her thank god. His childhood was traumatic enough for him without adding that.

[KathyLauren]

He wants to try giving her more time.

Lucas mother was going to send him to conversion camp when he was 14.

She's been doing this since he was 14?  Yikes!  How much more time is he willing to give her?

Lucas' relationship with his mother is not just his issue.  It is directly hurting you, too.  He should be the one to tell her to go pound sand, but if he is unable to do so, you will have to do it for him. 

I love FTMDiaries' solution!   

[FTMDiaries]

Lucas mother was going to send him to conversion camp when he was 14.

Crikey! Hence my comment...

Giving her more time is simply going to mean giving her more time in which to keep doing the same thing.

She's been doing the same thing for years. More time isn't going to do squat. She needs counselling, not more time.

You say she keeps misgendering him to 'shame' him. Perhaps in her mind she thinks that if she applies enough emotional blackmail she'll get her own way; I daresay she's been using emotional blackmail for years. To her, accepting his transition means having to give in & let him win, and she'll be damned if she lets someone else win but especially her child! My mother was similar.

I wonder... where is Lucas's mother getting her information from? It is possible to educate some people, but others are too set in their ways & will refuse to listen to any point of view that disagrees with their own. You also have the problem of being 'kids' to her: neither one of you has any authority over her so she's unlikely to listen to either of you. But is there someone she respects who could educate her? A doctor, or a therapist, or a religious/community leader of some sort? I'm guessing she's religious from her views on conversion camps.

At the end of the day, you have to look after yourselves first & foremost. So I'd suggest Lucas write to her & tell it to her straight: that she needs to get on board and be respectful, or she will not be welcome in his life & in his home. He needs to spell out the exact behaviours he wants changed. And then leave the ball in her court.

If she comes round, then great! He can have a more positive relationship with her. But if she's so narcissistic that she'd rather put her opinions and beliefs above the well-being of her own son, then he's better off keeping his distance from her negative influence.

[Cimara]

Actually she isn't religious. Lucas told me it was her best friend that suggested conversion camp. The best friend is the religious one. I really don't understand her resistance. Lucas had had top surgery, facial surgery and 3 years of testosterone. Yet she clings to the belief he will wake up one day and decide it was all a mistake.  I don't even think it would be possible for him to go back now. Not that he ever would want to. She must be delusional.  Yet she says we are the ones with a mental illness!