This is a tricky topic for me and often one that causes a rift between me and some others. I approach things through a more ontological relativistic and postmodern sense and as such I take it upon myself to define the world from the ground up, redefining terms and labels as I see fit if i do not agree with how the greater social narrative has defined them as.
One might call this philosophical posturing but I see myself as a woman and having always been female. To be the terms are relative and I have defined them in such a way that I have always been a woman and female in my mind. This isn't to say that I'm unaware of my anatomical dissonance, I'm more than aware, but more so that the terms themselves and their accepted criterion in the greater view is something I hold in contention.
For instance, if you were to ask someone 'what is it mean to be female?' you might get a variety of answers. One the most common might be genital configuration but you might also hear something about chromosomes or hormones or secondary sex characteristics or how you were raised or etc. I choose to define it as mental sex or in a spiritual sense the characteristics of my ethereal self. As such my mental sex has always been female so under this definition I have created for myself I have always been female.
I understand quite clearly how the world sees me and might label me as well as the social and legal challenges associated with the label of 'trans' that is assigned to me.
Where I come into conflict with others is that some people believe that I am betraying the trans-community or running from it, but that's not true. Yes, I may not identify as a member of it in a sense but there are obviously physical issue similarities as well as experiences that we overlap with. Some believe that I'm casting aside the label to run in fear to a haven of a more socially accepted gender but this is untrue as well. I truly just don't feel trans, I'm not sure what it means to feel trans. I never have though and some of my trans friends said they never thought of me as part o the trans community really anyways.
I suppose like how Voltarine de Cleyre called herself an 'Anarchist without adjectives' in contrast to anarco-communist, anarcho-syndicalists, etc I see myself as a 'woman without adjectives' in a way. I don't feel a need to attach a trans label to it. It doesn't feel right. If it's brought up I don't lie about my anatomy or my experiences.
Perhaps part of this is because I didn't go through many of the same experiences in transitioning that others may have gone through. I dodged discrimination in almost its entirety as I 'passed' before hormones and was full-time shortly before starting them. I didn't have issues with many things, a blessing that I don't take or granted but maybe this creates a divide between me and the 'trans' label as that label, in my mind, is not only attributable to a set of physical aspects but experiential ones as well.
Part of it too could be that I have been on hormones for almost 10 years, I started when I was around 18 years old. Although I haven't had surgery yet I am very distanced from that initial period of beginning transitioning so perhaps things have changed over time.
Pardon my rambling and I'll try to close out my thoughts. I won't think of myself as trans after surgery because I don't think of myself as trans now. I understand that some people might put me in that category and accept that as the case, however that's not where I put myself. In my mind I was born a woman and I've always been a woman. I may have been born with an anatomical configuration issue at birth but that in itself doesn't make me feel as if I need to attach an adjective to 'woman'. I'll still work to better trans rights and the community because those things do apply to me even if I consider myself as an ally and not a member.
I apologize if this ruffles any feathers. I've been attacked many times over my thoughts on the matter. It's usually why I've grown to avoid trans-oriented spaces, however I hope that this experience turns to be more positive.
