How do you deal with not passing?

[Cimara]

For any transwoman to say she doesn't want to hang out with someone who doesn't pass is really messed up. We all want to be accepted regardless of how well we pass. It is easier for some of us than others. For those who do not pass there is the hope that people will accept them for the beautiful person they are on the inside. For another trans woman to reject another transwoman because she doesn't pass is a horrible way to act and think. A person who would do that is someone I don't want to know. Also I do not care for the term "man in a dress" I know people use it to describe someone non passable but why not just say " non passable". A transwom is NOT a man in a dress regardless of her transition status. She is a woman regardless of what she looks like.

Rainecloud, I have seen several of your posts in which you say you are non passable. If that is your picture you are both passable and pretty. In fact many of the women here think they are nonpassable when in fact they are. We tend to be our own worst critics.

[The Flying Lemur]

Don't tell me it will get better. Reality is reality.

How are any of us supposed to help you if your life can't possibly get better?  It seems like you have a pretty negative worldview right now, and that is not going to help you be happy.  I don't pass, and I get by with focusing on the positives in my situation.  I have people who are willing to call me by my preferred name and pronouns.  I have clothing that cuts my dysphoria somewhat.  I have hope that one day I will be able to avail myself of medical interventions that will reduce my dysphoria even more.

I totally get the impulse to tie your feelings of self-worth to how well you pass.  We all want others to validate us and view us as we want to be viewed.  But the reality is you can't control what other people think, and letting their beliefs and assumptions unduly affect how you see yourself is going to make you miserable.  That's not only true for trans people.  People who desperately need others to see them as thin develop eating disorders.  People who desperately need others to view them as virtuous become hypocrites.  People who desperately need others to view them as smart become pretentious.  Those few who do get adulation from millions but whose self-worth doesn't come from within feel like frauds, and can't enjoy their success.  No end of unhappiness comes of getting your self-worth primarily from others. 

It seems like you don't have much compassion for yourself, and therefore don't have much for other people either.  Consider hanging out with some of those non-passing trans women you've been avoiding.  Work to see them as people, not just as flawed images of womanhood.  As you begin to strike up friendships, you may find yourself "forgiving" these other women for not looking perfect.  Then it may be easier for you to "forgive" yourself as well.   

(Also, Rainecloud, I totally agree that you're passable in your picture.  In fact, you're adorable.  The pink hair is awesome.)
 

[VeronicaLynn]

I don't pass and don't expect I ever will. I just live my life as if I were a woman, rather than as a woman. I don't make a big deal about pronouns and just go by my initials. I stay somewhat androgynous in my appearance. I wear mostly women's jeans or shorts and a top of some kind. I usually wear light makeup and keep my nails somewhat long and paint them with clear nail polish. I will sometimes tone it down a bit, depending on the situation.

This really isn't too much different than my persona before I came to fully accept I was transgender. I've worn my hair longish most of the time since I was 12, and often dressed somewhat feminine. I tried to repress the feminine mannerisms that come naturally to me, but I didn't do a very good job usually. Most people read me as a feminine gay guy, and a few friends knew I was trans even though I tried to hide it.

I'm not sure at this point I'd even want to be stealth passable. I hate secrets. I don't think hiding that I'm trans would feel any better en femme than it did when I was trying to hide it and pretend to be a guy.