So to start off I was born a boy and I'm gay, when I was younger I'd loved playing barbies with my sister and never really liked boyish things, I actually hated camo, but I was content with my life. When my grandma would babysit my sister and me we would play fashion show. Me and her would go into my grandmas room with all her jewelry, heels, and clothes and try things on and come out for my grandma to rate us. This eventually stopped as I got older, probably because it was becoming weird at a certain point for my grandma.
In school I've always tried to make friends with the girls, and had very few friends that were guys. Before puberty I always had this fascination with girls beauty, like I was looking at artwork. I even had a female crush in elementary, her being the most beautiful to look at. Later on in life around the age of ten, I did have a best guy friend. We made up this tv show that we recorded ourselves in my room called Doctor. Long story short I kidnapped my patients and tortured them (weird I know lol.) Oddly enough I wanted my character to be female and even made my voice higher pitched in the role, acting like a girl too. I didnt necessarily know why I wanted to do this but I liked it even though I felt awkward sometimes replaying the footage.
During this time my parents were split up and my mom had left this loose summer-like white dress at my dads, and it was stored in my closet. I would sometimes take it out and look at it, wanting to try it on but knowing it wouldn't look right on me or scared my dad might see. So I never did.
Fast forward to High School and I accept that I'm gay and everyone I tell is okay with it. Even after the realization of my sexuality I never liked movies about gay men. It just felt weird and I felt like I couldn't relate. I preferred the stereotypical boy and girl movies where they kiss in the rain and I saw myself more in her. In sophomore year I go from wearing the same jeans and hoodie everyday to getting a new haircut and wearing clothes from Forever 21. I had a random boost of confidence and made some friends. In all my gym glasses I always felt like weird when the teacher split us up by boys and girls. I couldn't relate to any of the men at all, even if I was friends with a couple, and always wished I could be paired with the girls.
Sometime in junior year after my mother overcame breast cancer, she gave me her old wig after her hair grew back. She certainly didnt intend on me wearing it but just didnt know what to do with it. I had it for a long time before I randomly tried it on one night, and this is where it actually started. I also put on a stretchy red dress one night with it when she wasnt home, it was the only thing of hers that fit me because shes smaller. I looked in the mirror and became fixated. It seemed like this sadness I had for a long time seemed to vanish. I looked at my reflection with more confidence. And I took the test to Omegle, a video chat site, to see how much I'd pass. At this time I was barely trying but I'd say about 70% of people actually thought I was a hot girl. This made me even more confident and I cross dressed that whole weekend while my mom was gone.
This went on and off. Id be fine with my life for weeks on end but one night when I was alone with my thoughts would do it again. I even shaved my legs at one point. And it seemed every time I got more tranced by it. It stopped for a couple months and something happened with myself. The acne I had avoided through puberty started coming out of nowhere. Nothing really bad, I guess you could say mild to moderate technically. But for me I couldnt even look in the mirror, I spent hundreds on different treatments online and became more and more depressed. It's actually still bothering me. I felt ugly and had no confidence for about two months. Then one night the urge came back after watching a TV show about a girl in the big city on Netflix. This time I went on amazon and purchased a wig close to my hair color, lip gloss and eyeliner. When they arrived I immediately put it all on with the same red dress, and this time I was amazed. The whole look fit me so much better than my moms old wig. I looked in every mirror around the house, looked at my figure with my fake socks-in-bra boobs. I also shaved my legs again and as the hair was falling off I almost felt like I was breaking free from something. My acne wasnt even bothering me, I loved what I saw. I went on to video chats online and everyone wanted to talk to me, thinking I was a pretty woman.
After that night I felt so different about everything. Every time I watched any TV show or movie with a female lead, or even a pretty supporting female role, I got so envious of them. I couldnt even watch shows I liked sometimes to avoid the jealousy. I had prom and I felt so uncomfortable in my suit, hell all my clothes I did. I even avoided the after prom party to run home and get back into the other "look." It somehow made my depression that I've had just disappear. I even met a really cute guy with a youtube fitness channel, we're still messaging with me under the guise of a female. What hurts me most is I know it would never work out with us like this, or any guy like him for that matter. So many men talk to me in my female form opposed to the gay community. I fantasize about the idea of having a loving husband in the suburbs and kids. Or even just go on my own in the city and figure things out. Or adventure on the road with someone I love. And in all these scenarios I'm a woman.
I came out to my sister and mom about these overwhelming feelings about a week ago (I'm 18), My mom said and she had already suspected it after putting stuff together from the past couple months. She said she just wants me to be happy and will help me get what I need if I know what I want and I was actually surprised she said that. I wanted to start a T blocker right away while I saw a therapist to help me decide what I want. My plan was if I want to do this I would go on estrogen, and if not I would just stop the T blocker with no harm done. My mom said she was okay with this and I could get it after the appointment. Well she didn't go through with this promise. After the appointment she wouldnt answer me why we couldnt get the T blocker and she finally started yelling at me about the harms of it if I change my mind or regret transition. How the T blocker could permanently stop my puberty and make me look like an adult boy. How 43% of people regret transition and are stuck as the wrong gender. How estrogen would give me worse acne and 50% of people who get vaginoplasty cant feel anything sexual. She told me I need to wait till I'm older which is the last thing I want. Im at the second stage of puberty and I feel like I need to do something now.
I'm so unhappy and I know its best to start this during puberty if I want to be passable as a woman without many obstacles. I already have a feminine face and slim body, but Im 6' tall and wear a size 12 already. I know if I truly want to I can start this now without her, but what she said scares me. I dont want my acne to blow up. I dont want to be one of those people that regret transition and get to feel guilty for the rest of their lives after messing up their body. I dont wanna end up as an obvious botched half man-woman that cant feel any sexual pleasure. I just need someone to help me figure out what I am.
Thank you...
