Social transition before or after passing?

[Justarandomname]

I'm not sure if I want to socially transition but I was curious, do most trans women socially transition before passing or wait until they feel that they are passing.  Or does that even matter? 

I've decided that since I have no idea whether I pass or not, I've become somewhat ambivalent to the whole idea.  Maybe even apathetic to the idea transitioning in general.  I look in the mirror and I have no idea what I see and I have no idea what other people see which has caused me to become extremely introverted lately. 

*Sigh

[JillianC]

For me, I'm waiting until I pass before socially transitioning.  But my dysphoria is more body than social.     

[Megan.]

As a UK girl at the mercy of the NHS,  social transition before HRT is basically a requirement.  I've been full-time now for a month and have just had a greenlight on HRT which I hope to start in a few weeks. It has enabled me to clearly measure the positive mental benefits of social transition without wondering if it was me or chemistry!

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[staciM]

This is highly individualistic and varies greatly to each extreme.  "Most" won't apply.

Some woman socially transition almost as soon as they "come-out" or discover themselves, others live in their male form for many months or even years of HRT and several surgical procedure until they socially transition while others never end-up socially transitioning but live on HRT in their male life.

[Justarandomname]

For me, I'm waiting until I pass before socially transitioning.  But my dysphoria is more body than social.     

But how would you know you pass?  I guess that's what I am wondering.  Like, what would be the indicators, or what not.  I'm pretty dysphoric about my body as well, actually about everything 

As a UK girl at the mercy of the NHS,  social transition before HRT is basically a requirement.  I've been full-time now for a month and have just had a greenlight on HRT which I hope to start in a few weeks. It has enabled me to clearly measure the positive mental benefits of social transition without wondering if it was me or chemistry!

Wow, that seems like such a archaic and unfair way for trans people to be able to get medical treatment.  Like you have to prove that you need it for a year before they give you anything.  Also, seems like it could possibly endanger someone who might live in areas that aren't so accepting.

[Justarandomname]

This is highly individualistic and varies greatly to each extreme.  "Most" won't apply.

Some woman socially transition almost as soon as they "come-out" or discover themselves, others live in their male form for many months or even years of HRT and several surgical procedure until they socially transition while others never end-up socially transitioning but live on HRT in their male life.

Sorry, maybe I worded the question wrong.  Adding "must" just made the sentence seem to flow better grammatically, lol.  Also, I totally understand that it is highly individualistic and I asked this since I'm going through a bit of a depressive rut.  Maybe I was hoping that there was some random comment that would spark a flash of lucid clarity. 

[JillianC]

But how would you know you pass?  I guess that's what I am wondering.  Like, what would be the indicators, or what not.

I'm not really sure.  Probably when enough of my body appears feminine to me, like breast growth is obvious under shirts or my facial features soften and I have long enough hair to get a typical female hair cut and style.  I'm guessing the tipping point will be when I can feel confident/comfortable enough that it feels right.  Right now it feels fake/forced.

[Harley Quinn]

I don't believe it really matters. There are always people who know or figure it out... if socially transitioning is what you want, go for it. If "passing" is how you gauge it, then ask a trusted friend... they'll have to be your judge. We are our own worst critics. But I would say when you're comfortable with the idea that you have transitioned, then that would be the time to do it. Passing isn't the requisite for transitioning, it's a state of mind that you are you, and you're ready to correct people when they misgender you...

[KathyLauren]

Being 62 years old, I may never pass completely.  So I am not waiting.  I socially transitioned as soon as I was sure that HRT was the right thing for me and my boobs were getting too big to hide under a male T-shirt.  (They aren't even an A-cup yet, but they are pretty noticeable.)

My benchmark for what I am aiming for in passing is pretty low.  I will be happy if people gender me correctly on first sight.  If they figure out I'm trans, I don't care, as long as they stay polite.

[Megan.]

I'm not going to argue which way is best,  and choices vary on location too. I will say that when I see comments from some that the effects of their HRT force them to transition before they might be ready,  it does lend some value to the NHS approach; it's tough but it also builds a heck of alot of self confidence.

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[tgirlamg]

HI justarandomname!!!


Pardon me for being a bit lazy... I am cutting and pasting this from a posting I wrote about 6 months ago to another forum member but it conveys my thoughts on the subject at hand....


Other people are always going to be an unknown in this equation... Wondering and worrying about how others view us ...Whether we are "passing" to those around us constantly can become a huge trap that is hard to escape from and can be the cause of a lot of misery if we let it...

I think you already know in your heart, the direction you must go to live a life that is truly your own and you may find, as you move ahead, that the need to be yourself and relate to others in the way you choose, may start to become more important than if you are passing, as a cis woman, 100% of the the time ...to 100% of the people....

Move forward with confidence in who you are.... A female ...who has a place in this world and a seat at the table of life just like everyone else... After a half century of living a life that was not who I was inside, I finally realized that I had the power to make my life what I chose and did so in short order... If I had waited to move ahead... Waiting for some far off day when I would feel 100% passable... I'd still be waiting!!!... I moved ahead with fulltime the month I started HRT.. Semi passable at best... But I had the confidence that comes with a life that is finally on the right course.... From that day until now, I have never had a bad experience with anyone because of I am a transwoman.... Here I am a few years later, finally connected to others and the world around me in a meaningful way and married to the greatest guy in the world!!!...

I think it is easy to fill in the blanks about how people will react or treat us with our worst fears and the reality is nothing even close to our fears...

I guess what all my blabbing here means is... Just be you ... dont let fear whisper in your ear too much!!!... You are holding the steering wheel of your life ... Hit the gas and steer things where you want them to go... Basing our success or failure on how others see us can easily turn an amazing journey into a decent into misery... I prefer amazing journey...

Onward we go brave girl...

Ashley

[Wednesday]

Completely agree with @tgirlamc.

Whether you may want to go at a faster or slower pace, just try to don't fall in those mind traps. I've seen people who even being the most passable ones still feel miserable and struggling.

Just be yourself (and pragmatic too).

[AlyssaJ]

I can't speak for the generalities, only myself.  I've made the decision that I really don't care if I'm "passing" or not.  I'll be socially transitioning (aka going full time) when I'm ready.  The way it's looking right now that is probably going to coincide with the date that I transition at work. That date still needs to be finalized with my employer but I set it based on when I thought I'd have enough body changes from HRT and other efforts that it would be difficult to continue hiding what is going on from my clients and co-workers.

I agree with what the others have said here, I think this is a more healthy approach.  Rather than getting so wrapped up in whether we "pass" or not, we should be more focused on when we feel comfortable going out.

I know we have this discussion in a lot of places, but honestly attitude is so much more important than passing in my opinion.  For instance, tonight, I walked into a Kohl's while presenting completely as male (and I definitely don't male fail yet).  Walked through the Juniors and Misses sections and picked out 3 pair of jeans.  They were very clearly women's jeans (one pair had bling on the pockets even).  They were the only items I had, I took them to the register and treated it no different than any other shopping experience.  The end result?  Not one person batted an eye, not one comment, not one snide look from anyone that I noticed, and the cashier handled it all in a typical fashion with no hit of shock or confusion.  To me, that's more important right now than whether or not people believe I'm a cis-woman when I'm out and about.

[warlockmaker]

Never considered transitioning before passing. Never a RLE until post srs, ffs and ba. Linving my dreams and proud to be the third gender.

[Niki Knight]

I have been dressing and in public since an early age. I have been passing  fairly well by appearance for years before starting transition. My social transition started roughly the same time. I couldn't wait and had to be my true self other wise I would be doing the big dirt nap right now.

Everyone is different and it really depends what state of mind your in. My case I had to and couldn't wait.

Huggs Niki Marie

[AnonyMs]

If I ever socially transition it's going to be at the end of all the medical things, especially ffs. No way I'm trying it before then.

[Dayta]

I figured for me that it really didn't matter, as I'm working in the same industry with many of the same people for up to 35 years now, so there's no "passing" for me.  I still have probably dozens of hours of facial electrolysis to go, my hairline is less than feminine, and I've only been on HRT for about 9 months now.  But clean-shaven, I feel reasonably confident with my look and am unwilling to wait until some nebulous point in the future when I might theoretically pass.  Even if I was to present sufficiently femme, the people who know me will always know my history.  I think I'd rather have them accepting me as I am now, cuz it's only going to get better.  If I wait, wait for what?  It's just another arbitrary point in time. 

Erin

[KatieByrne]

As a UK girl at the mercy of the NHS,  social transition before HRT is basically a requirement. 

Haha yes this was my experience too with the NHS. The Way the NHS treats trans patients in general is pretty grim
and often humiliating. But even during HRT i'd say i didn't start passing until about 18 months to 2 years into my transition. I was full time from day 1 though. Noone was gonna stop me living the life i wanted and also importatly i think, building the identity i was moving into.

[rosinstraya]

Social transition was, umm, some time before passing. When I decided to come out, I came right out. Mentally there was no other way.

Looking back at photos from then I think I can understand why some cis people called it "brave"!

[SadieBlake]

It sounds like socially transitioning to some or most means RLE? To me socially transitioning has been a process over 2 decades of gradually moving to a more feminine response and mental outlook, basically changing my brain as much as possible without HRT. In terms of brass tacks, to me that meant and included letting go of male privilege, aggressive response etc. To be sure, it was also in the context of just trying to be a better person.

For me this was so very punctuated when I did begin estrogen, because the change from androgenic hormones probably accomplished more than I had done in all of those years prior.

I began RLE as soon as I started HRT. My RLE has consisted of going as far as I feel able to a non binary appearance and more importantly coming out to everyone I interact with about my gender and plans to transition.