Seeking advice on partner

[Siana]

I am dating a person who was born male, but no longer identifies with the gender they were born with. My partner is not currently interested in transition, though has thought about it (but they are not "out" or comfortable with being so).

Now, I am perfectly OK with this. And I support them in whatever expression they want to use. And, if they want to transition, that is OK with me as well.

However, there are a few things I would like an outsider's perspective on.

First of all, what is the advice you would give on the best way to support someone who is trying to become comfortable with this part of themselves? I know use whatever pronouns they prefer (currently neutral), don't make a big deal out of it (it's just a part of who this person is). But, I want to completely assure them that they can fully embrace this and it isn't going to scare me off. Which, I think they are worried about.

Secondly, I was considering myself hetero. But, now that doesn't really seem "right". If I say I am hetero, I feel like I am disrespecting the fact they do not identify as male and, to be honest, I don't think them transitioning would make them any less attractive. However, I have never been attracted to women before, either. And I have been dating for over a decade. So, does that make me bi? Pan? I am confused. I don't feel like I would be open to dating most women, as I don't really find women attractive. But, my partner as a woman is, because I love them.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of us tolerate a few mistakes along the way as we are quickly making big changes in other peoples life. It's when we have to constantly correct somebody that it hurts. As you are willing to go along with what your partner wants, play it by ear. On special occasions you might pick a special gift that your partner would appreciate but being your self and not over thinking this may be the best way to go.

As for sexuality, sometimes it best to go with the flow. I am not up to date on all the terms used today, but you appear to be attracted to the personality instead of the package. Most likely somebody will show up and give you the correct term for this but a name really isn't all that important.

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[Cimara]

I don't believe your sexual preference has changed. I would say that you love your partner for the person they are and at this point it would not make a difference to you how they present. My boyfriend is FtM. If he told me he wanted to start living as a female again I wouldn't leave him because I love him. But I am not lesbian or bi nor would I ever consider myself such. Many of the ladies here have remained with their wives. I don't believe many of the wives consider themselves lesbian. Hopefully some of them will talk to you.

Hugs.

Oh, and welcome to the site.

[Peep]

It depends on if you're trying to define your sexuality for yourself, or others. In your own head, it's probably okay to think of yourself as "straight but stuff happened", if that's what you want.

ultimately i think labels are for your own comfort, especially when you're already in a relationship and don't need to let others know what you're looking for. It's okay to call yourself bi or pan even if there's only one woman you're into -- and no one should be trying to stop you using the label just because you don't have prior experience.

[KathyLauren]

I would say to just keep on doing what you are doing.  Let your partner set their own agenda, and reassure them that you will be there for them no matter what.  The most beautiful words I ever heard were, when I came out to my wife, she said, "Whatever you decide to do, I will support you."

As for labels, you can call yourself whatever you like.  I really like Peep's expression, "Straight but stuff happened."  That speaks volumes about your strength of character.  My wife doesn't worry about labels, but that is how she sees herself.  In the right company, she has fun with calling herself a lesbian.  Like she just woke up one day and discovered that she had become one without her knowledge, an innocent bystander.  It is strictly a source of humour to her.

Don't stress about it.  It sounds like you are doing everything right.

[ForLexGal]

Hi,

Just passing by and reading through the posts. I am not very well informed on these things and issues and I would iike to know more. I learned a lot of things here. Will follow your posts. Keep them going. Thanks.

[Tessa James]

Hello and welcome Siana,

I appreciate the depth of feeling that found you in this Place and seeking understanding.  Your final statement has the best essence of any relationship, in my opinion.  You love this person with your heart and are not so challenged by their labels and parts.  Most transgender people do not transition medically and surgically but all partners are better off if we encourage each other's personal growth and maturity.  That seems to be the path you are on eh?

I remain in a 43 year marriage and personally know of many other married couples who have successfully negotiated these similar challenges.  I don't take my spouse or marriage for granted and if we part ways it is more likely about other issues than my being trans.  Here's to loving one another

[pligirl75]

Siana - labels are hard and I sole searched when my wife and I decided transition was the right thing to do...  she is my rock as I am hers but after being together for 25 yrs and married for almost 19 years it is hard to explain your sexuality to others... I looked back on my life and realized that I was in fact a lesbian and it more than likely was her feminine side that I first fell in love with... try not to put a label on it if you don't want or need to! 

As for how you can help... ask for "dress-up" nights where your SO can express themselves... you will show your support so much more than you realize. 


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[Siana]

Thank you all for the advice and welcome.

"Straight but stuff happened" sounds about right. I got to know my partner as a man, first. Then, as they got comfortable with me, they revealed that they don't exactly identify as that, while we were still friends. And, as we got closer, it just sort of developed into something much more than just friendship. I don't think either of us was exactly looking for that, but it happened. And neither of us are complaining about it.

Re: Dress up nights - I actually have encouraged them to try to not feel self-conscious about dressing as a woman around me. But, it's something they haven't ever done with another person around. So, it's not exactly a comfort zone yet. People who accidentally found out about it have reacted poorly, so I think they still sort of expect me to be repulsed by it, if they are too openly expressive. And that fear of rejection is something I don't really know how to combat, exactly. Except with time, I guess. They've gradually opened up little by little, so perhaps one day I can talk them into going on a date with me (even if it's just an inside picnic or whatever) as a woman, rather than feeling like they have to always hide. I would be fine going on a date in public, as well, but I feel like that might be asking entirely too much for a long time. Even if it were somewhere they wouldn't have to worry about running into anyone they knew.

It just makes me quite sad knowing that even trying to be supportive, can cause them pain, because of how much fear and worry surrounds this for them. I don't want to seem to be avoiding it, because I don't want them to think I'm uncomfortable. But, I don't want to bring it up much, either, because it obviously does make them uncomfortable. So, I try to just let it naturally come and go in conversations and offer an out if they want to change the topic.

I do feel like maybe there was a small break through though, I now get told and shown when they buy a cute new outfit. Even if they won't wear it around me, yet.

[PartnerToButchLesbianMTF]

I am dating a person who was born male, but no longer identifies with the gender they were born with. My partner is not currently interested in transition, though has thought about it (but they are not "out" or comfortable with being so).

Now, I am perfectly OK with this. And I support them in whatever expression they want to use. And, if they want to transition, that is OK with me as well.

However, there are a few things I would like an outsider's perspective on.

First of all, what is the advice you would give on the best way to support someone who is trying to become comfortable with this part of themselves? I know use whatever pronouns they prefer (currently neutral), don't make a big deal out of it (it's just a part of who this person is). But, I want to completely assure them that they can fully embrace this and it isn't going to scare me off. Which, I think they are worried about.

Secondly, I was considering myself hetero. But, now that doesn't really seem "right". If I say I am hetero, I feel like I am disrespecting the fact they do not identify as male and, to be honest, I don't think them transitioning would make them any less attractive. However, I have never been attracted to women before, either. And I have been dating for over a decade. So, does that make me bi? Pan? I am confused. I don't feel like I would be open to dating most women, as I don't really find women attractive. But, my partner as a woman is, because I love them.

I just came out to my new girlfriend today as a pansexual woman in love with a lesbian-identified trans woman.

I was previously the boringest flavor of lesbian - long-married with kids and 14+
years of LBD - so this is a huge thing for me.

If you're poly now, it's because you love the person and don't care as much about the genitalia, right?


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[elkie-t]

The other person mind is difficult to read. Maybe them are afraid to show their feminine side to you, or maybe they are perfectly happy with the things as they are and don't want to push no further?

Maybe you could ask for a gender-bender date (Halloween isn't that far away) and are up to the task to crossdress as a guy for the chance to pull your partner as a female out?
Maybe you can ask for pictures dressed as her and can offer some help with clothes / makeup (or provide compliments if those are already great?)

My good friend Tanya had lots of support from her GF,  and unlike many cross dressers is totally comfortable with me en-femme being with her in her neighborhood, or going out in public enfemme. Yet, she doesn't want to proceed any further than painting her nails pink in the evening and occasionally going out... Some people find happy medium in being part time, you know. You aren't holding them, they might be where they wants to be


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[kelly_aus]

My late GF described herself as a straight woman who just happened to fall in love with another woman. She never made any claims that her sexuality changed, just accepted that she had fallen in love with me.