I am questioning my gender and sexuality

[Riv3n]

All of this may seem to come out quite random because I'm trying to get out what I think; I might post more within the thread.

Some of the reasons why I've been questioning my gender is that I envy girls and women a lot. Since I was young, I didn't see what was so good about being a guy when I was young at around 2 or 3 years old, although I believe it was only when I was 15 or something when I wanted to cross-dress or something, when I initially didn't. I did say one time that I wish I were a girl when I was 7 or 8. I also wanted to wear my hair longer like this male character from a TV show because I envied this character and I still do, because I feel like I look ugly with short hair and because I envy girls for how they get to look like.

I envy how women get to present themselves and the sex appeal they have. I envied this girl who once went to my church because of how she dressed, and I'm annoyed how guys don't dress like her either because I think that the church forbids it, guys don't want to or they generally don't suit it. I've also been envious of lesbians considering how they are both able to appreciate feminine beauty in a sexual manner and also wear it. I am not envious of women, however, for the unwanted male attention that they get.

I've been spiteful of society, because most of the guys I've come across since I moved to the UK have been either boring or rather cold or aloof, granted, most of them have been from outside my family. I find their clothes quite boring, as well, and how most guys in my opinion look ugly. I have to admit that I want to be attractive like girls as well, possibly because I feel like I've got nothing else since I'm not very good at anything. I feel like that people like religious institutions and corporations are deliberately trying to keep these gender roles in place. I feel like I don't want to be like other guys, and I was also thinking about how I won't want to share some of the same experiences as they do like getting a haircut (might have to get one when I go visit the US this summer).

I've also been annoyed with society in the 2010s because it has made short hair on guys "cool" again, and it has made emo fashion uncool and rare (something that I've grown to like for how androgynous it is), and I don't like much of the music in the 2010s. Admittedly I'm also annoyed about the 2010s because I can't watch this YouTube video any more, but this one's going a bit off-topic.

I was taken care with more love by relatives in my opinion before I came to the UK. My parents were more strict when I moved to the UK and I felt like that people were more mean in the UK.

Even before I moved to the UK I didn't have a close friend outside of family I regularly played with (I was 6 when I moved out). I have always had trouble being able to make a close friend and this is what annoys me about having Asperger's Syndrome; that, and I have the same condition as this guy with really poor anger issues and who is also socially awkward and does not have any close friends. He's fat, ugly, he can be unpleasant and acts like a child from the early 20th century with interests such as drama and botany. I'm not proud of having autism because I'm unable to be in the company of the people I want to be in, who were people that were into non-mainstream and interesting stuff and had active social lives.

I've been envious of this attractive girl on an IM app I am on, since she is pretty and also knows about PC hardware like the rest of us on that server. It just makes me feel a bit pathetic to be a guy since I feel like us guys are all ugly especially with the questionable styles that are now trendy for us this decade to wear, and that we have colder personalities on average.

I'm quite discouraged as well by getting into the professional world. I'm currently at university studying game development as an undergraduate student. I don't really feel like getting into a career, and one of the reasons being is that as a guy, you have to dress well with at least a T-shirt on and sometimes with your hair cut, which I'm not a big fan of since I think it looks kind of boring and I envy what women get to wear even in the professional world; granted, I used to not envy girls for what they were wearing, and at one time, I saw women who were subservient to men or only talked about them to be quite pathetic, but now I feel kind of the opposite and also that I think women are almost never thinking about men or something, although I don't want them to be subservient to them like in the Middle East, for instance. I have other reasons to be unsatisfied with going to the professional world, but I'll discuss this later since this isn't going to be exactly related to gender.

I've also envied women for their lower sex drives, meaning that they would be better able to focus more on life and be less likely to commit a sin of a sexual nature (I was born and raised in a religious background and have been less religious since I spent more time in the UK than where I came from and since I grew to view the students in my secondary school who were raised in religious backgrounds to be boring and annoying; I had to attend confirmation with them as well but that was because they were around the same age as me). I've also envied their sex organs because of the clothes they're able to wear with it as a result, although I don't envy how women get pregnant.

I've also been questioning my sexuality. I don't know if it's because of a lack of male intimacy since I moved country, but all my crushes have been so far were female, and I didn't really have any crushes since when I was 14 or 15 (I started having them from around 3 or 4). The thing is, I've felt like that all I can get turned on by now is gay porn (used to watch straight and lesbian porn and get sexually aroused by it, but then it got old quickly). Even then, I'm no longer really aroused by porn as much (even gay porn), but I attribute this to me feeling quite stressed about something. I don't think I've ever developed any romantic feelings for guys, though, save for the odd yaoi comic.

I would also like to know what "taking advantage of what's been given to you" would mean in the context of gender roles since I've come across this twice, both from women who envied men in varying degrees, one quite a lot and the other not so much.

Feel free to ask me more about what I've said since I'm only trying to get this out.

[Dena]

First, I feel you are transgender and this site will be a part of your self discovery. I see a problem in you that I have observed in others on the site who also have Asperger's. Your attention to detail and wanting to have everything exactly right is going to make it difficult for you to resolve this issue. I don't believe I am on the spectrum and as such, I can accept that there are things I can't know for sure so I acknowledge the flaw and move onto the next issue. To resolve this, you need to see a gender therapist, hopefully somebody skilled with Asperger's who can help you assemble the picture in a way that your mind will accept it.

To help you understand why the detail isn't that important, all of this comes down to one question. Would you feel more comfortable as a man, woman or somewhere in between. The one thought that helped me decide on surgery was I would never be comfortable as a man but in he 2.5 years I lived as a woman, I felt far better about myself. I had nothing worth returning to as a male so I had nothing to lose with surgery.

At some point, your question should be that simple and once it is, the answer will be simple as well.

[Riv3n]

First, I feel you are transgender and this site will be a part of your self discovery. I see a problem in you that I have observed in others on the site who also have Asperger's. Your attention to detail and wanting to have everything exactly right is going to make it difficult for you to resolve this issue. I don't believe I am on the spectrum and as such, I can accept that there are things I can't know for sure so I acknowledge the flaw and move onto the next issue. To resolve this, you need to see a gender therapist, hopefully somebody skilled with Asperger's who can help you assemble the picture in a way that your mind will accept it.

To help you understand why the detail isn't that important, all of this comes down to one question. Would you feel more comfortable as a man, woman or somewhere in between. The one thought that helped me decide on surgery was I would never be comfortable as a man but in he 2.5 years I lived as a woman, I felt far better about myself. I had nothing worth returning to as a male so I had nothing to lose with surgery.

At some point, your question should be that simple and once it is, the answer will be simple as well.

Thanks, but I'm not sure how I would feel about having to transition so soon and if at all, most likely from family issues. I might need to find a gender therapist, but I might want to see if it is a gender issue.

[CharleeGrrl]

You don't "have to" transition, or do anything else right now, or at all! You really should see a gender therapist as you're going to need help in finding ways to look at your feelings, and in learning how to observe and report your own feelings.
   Asperger's Syndrome definitely makes this a bit more difficult, but nothing is impossible. My prayers are with you, and come home soon!
   And by the way; you do NOT HAVE TO CUT YOUR HAIR. Grow it out in whatever way you like!

Sent from my K88 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Gender programs and therapist don't set time tables. Progress as fast or as slow as you are comfortable with as it's far more important that you make the decision that's right for you. Some people spend years in therapy before they are ready while other may spend only a few months. A gender therapist will help you explore your feelings and can help you be more comfortable not transitioning if that is what you choose. For many people it's easer making a decision when they can test their ideas with another person and that's the role that a gender therapist would serve.

[Riv3n]

You don't "have to" transition, or do anything else right now, or at all! You really should see a gender therapist as you're going to need help in finding ways to look at your feelings, and in learning how to observe and report your own feelings.
   Asperger's Syndrome definitely makes this a bit more difficult, but nothing is impossible. My prayers are with you, and come home soon!

Thank you! I'm sorry if I haven't been on here quite often since it's been annoyingly gonna be a busy week for me. I would like to see another mental health professional who doesn't specialise in gender therapy first though, to see if it's anything else. They might refer me to a gender therapist.

And by the way; you do NOT HAVE TO CUT YOUR HAIR. Grow it out in whatever way you like!

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I don't know. I can only hope my job accepts it. I might want to go to a stylist to have it a bit tidier, but they're expensive and where I live, I'm not sure if they're gonna offer me the style I want.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome! 

Some of the reasons why I've been questioning my gender is that I envy girls and women a lot.

This, in and of itself, is a good reason to believe you may well be trans and that speaking to a Gender Therapist will be a good idea. Cisgender men do not envy girls or women a lot; certainly not to the point that it bothers them for many years. If you're still in the UK, the waiting lists for NHS Gender Identity Clinics are very long so you'd be looking at a wait of a year or two before you could talk to anyone. If you want to go private, there are clinics in London (and a few other places) where you can be seen more quickly, but it'll cost you. NB: going to a clinic doesn't mean that you have to transition: you could simply talk through the way you feel with someone who can help you make the right decisions for you.

I envy how women get to present themselves and the sex appeal they have.

Some women have sex appeal. But others don't, and they are still women. You wouldn't say that Dawn French has sex appeal, would you? But she's very much a woman, and a wife & mother, and a very successful comedienne in her own right. Being a woman is not all about sex appeal or beauty.

I've also been envious of lesbians considering how they are both able to appreciate feminine beauty in a sexual manner and also wear it. I am not envious of women, however, for the unwanted male attention that they get.

Some lesbians are very feminine, but many have a masculine energy about them & present themselves in a masculine manner. Do you know any lesbians in real life? It's very different than what you might have seen in lesbian porn: lesbian porn is actually made for straight men so it tends to be nothing like what really happens in real-world lesbian relationships. And you're right not to be envious of that unwanted male attention: it can be extremely annoying!

I've been spiteful of society, because most of the guys I've come across since I moved to the UK have been either boring or rather cold or aloof, granted, most of them have been from outside my family. I find their clothes quite boring, as well, and how most guys in my opinion look ugly.

You've been hanging out with the wrong guys. There are plenty of interesting, warm, affectionate and frankly beautiful men out there. I work in a posh town & the guys here are very well groomed. It all depends on where you are!

I have to admit that I want to be attractive like girls as well, possibly because I feel like I've got nothing else since I'm not very good at anything.

This is not a good reason to transition. Some girls are attractive, but many are not - and do you have any idea how you'd look if you were to transition? If being beautiful is your goal, how would you cope if you weren't beautiful? At any rate, looks fade and those of us who are lucky enough to last long enough will start to wrinkle, sag and go grey. Then what?

I feel like that people like religious institutions and corporations are deliberately trying to keep these gender roles in place.

Of course they are, but for different reasons. Religious institutions rely on having a steady supply of fresh bums on seats, because that's how they make their money. Corporations tend to play to stereotypes in their advertising because that's the best way to reach the widest possible audience & sell the most products. They're both in it to make money, and you don't have to conform to what they're trying to make you do.

I've also been annoyed with society in the 2010s because it has made short hair on guys "cool" again, and it has made emo fashion uncool and rare

You don't need to go with the masses: you can have long hair if you want. There are plenty of guys with long hair (but sadly not enough for my personal tastes!)

I was taken care with more love by relatives in my opinion before I came to the UK. My parents were more strict when I moved to the UK and I felt like that people were more mean in the UK.

I agree: having grown up in Africa I have found that British society is quite stand-offish and very unfriendly. They can also be rather rude. That's just the way things are here. But they do pull together at times of need, as we saw in Manchester recently.

Even before I moved to the UK I didn't have a close friend outside of family I regularly played with (I was 6 when I moved out). I have always had trouble being able to make a close friend and this is what annoys me about having Asperger's Syndrome; that, and I have the same condition as this guy with really poor anger issues and who is also socially awkward and does not have any close friends. He's fat, ugly, he can be unpleasant and acts like a child from the early 20th century with interests such as drama and botany. I'm not proud of having autism because I'm unable to be in the company of the people I want to be in, who were people that were into non-mainstream and interesting stuff and had active social lives.

There's nothing wrong with having specialist interests: many of us Aspies have our anorak subjects and they give us great joy. If that other guy isn't to your taste (and it certainly sounds like he isn't!) then don't hang out with him. I've found that forcing myself to be in the company of neurotypical people makes it easier for me to cope with my Asperger's, and hanging around with other people on the autism spectrum can make my symptoms much worse!

I'm quite discouraged as well by getting into the professional world. I'm currently at university studying game development as an undergraduate student. I don't really feel like getting into a career, and one of the reasons being is that as a guy, you have to dress well with at least a T-shirt on and sometimes with your hair cut, which I'm not a big fan of since I think it looks kind of boring

Unless you go into very specific careers (such as banking) with strict dress codes, you're free to dress according to your own style. I'm in IT and I wear jeans, Converse, funky T-Shirts etc. and I can have my hair (and facial hair) any way I like, as long as I'm clean. But I'm not restricted to that: I've also worn Goth and Steampunk looks to work before. Game Design is a field in which individuality is celebrated, so you would have a lot of freedom in how you dress, irrespective of gender.

I envy what women get to wear even in the professional world; granted, I used to not envy girls for what they were wearing, and at one time, I saw women who were subservient to men or only talked about them to be quite pathetic, but now I feel kind of the opposite and also that I think women are almost never thinking about men or something, although I don't want them to be subservient to them like in the Middle East, for instance.

Don't envy what women have to wear: the rules for women are often more restrictive than for men (e.g. you have to wear high heels, and make-up, and a fashionable outfit at all times). Women also compare outfits against each other so you wind up having to make sure that everything you wear is 'correct' according to current fashions. This can be incredibly stressful, especially if you're on the autism spectrum! And it's very expensive too: not just the clothes, but the hair & make-up are very expensive. If you're used to paying about a tenner for a barber shop cut, women have to spend £90-£150 for a professional style & colour job. Every six weeks. Oh, and straight women think about men all the time, just as straight men think about women all the time. It's human nature to obsess over that which we most desire.

I've also envied women for their lower sex drives, meaning that they would be better able to focus more on life and be less likely to commit a sin of a sexual nature (I was born and raised in a religious background and have been less religious since I spent more time in the UK than where I came from and since I grew to view the students in my secondary school who were raised in religious backgrounds to be boring and annoying; I had to attend confirmation with them as well but that was because they were around the same age as me).

Women may generally have lower sex drives (but there is no guarantee of this!), but they have other concerns that prevent them from focusing more on life. E.g. hormonal fluctuations throughout the month - which also affect some trans women! - can make it very difficult to cope with interpersonal interactions and to cope with life's ups & downs. Women are also taken less seriously than men, and their opinions aren't listened to as much. They get talked over a lot, and of course they tend to be paid less for the same work. All of this can lead to a very frustrating experience, so you have to be sure you want it before you commit to it. And being male does not make you more likely to commit a 'sin of a sexual nature' as you put it; it's entirely possible to have a high, rampant, male sex drive and keep it under control. We're all responsible for controlling our own urges, irrespective of sex or gender.

I've also envied their sex organs because of the clothes they're able to wear with it as a result, although I don't envy how women get pregnant.

Those sex organs make it uncomfortable to wear certain clothes, like underwear, shorts and jeans, because they get caught up in the crack & can rub uncomfortably at some very sensitive parts. I very much enjoyed getting pregnant; the only downside was the pain of childbirth but that was a very small price to pay for the privilege of bringing a new life into the world. My heart goes out to anyone who yearns to be able to do this but is unable to; I consider myself extremely fortunate.

I've also been questioning my sexuality. I don't know if it's because of a lack of male intimacy since I moved country, but all my crushes have been so far were female, and I didn't really have any crushes since when I was 14 or 15 (I started having them from around 3 or 4). The thing is, I've felt like that all I can get turned on by now is gay porn (used to watch straight and lesbian porn and get sexually aroused by it, but then it got old quickly). Even then, I'm no longer really aroused by porn as much (even gay porn), but I attribute this to me feeling quite stressed about something. I don't think I've ever developed any romantic feelings for guys, though, save for the odd yaoi comic.

Good! It's always good to investigate your sexuality. It sounds like you have a romantic attraction to women with a possible sexual attraction; and a sexual attraction to men but perhaps not with a romantic attraction. Does that sound right? That's how you should investigate it: romantic attraction is not necessarily the same as sexual attraction, so it's entirely possible to have a romantic attraction for one type of person and a sexual attraction for another. It's also possible that your dwindling sex drive may be due to the conflict you're feeling about your own body. I used to watch straight porn & get aroused by it, but that wasn't because I identified with either party in the porn - I just wanted what was happening to happen to me. So watching a certain type of porn does not necessarily tell you much about your gender.

I would also like to know what "taking advantage of what's been given to you" would mean in the context of gender roles since I've come across this twice, both from women who envied men in varying degrees, one quite a lot and the other not so much.

There are things that suck about being a man. There are things that suck about being a woman. Whichever one you've always lived as, the grass can seem greener on the other side, because all you can see is that that side doesn't have to put up with the nonsense you put up with. In truth, neither one is better than the other... it's all about finding the right role for yourself.

[Riv3n]

Some women have sex appeal. But others don't, and they are still women. You wouldn't say that Dawn French has sex appeal, would you? But she's very much a woman, and a wife & mother, and a very successful comedienne in her own right. Being a woman is not all about sex appeal or beauty.

Which is why I'm a bit annoyed by people who want to bring back gender roles from online since I believe the same thing can be said for men as well.

Some lesbians are very feminine, but many have a masculine energy about them & present themselves in a masculine manner. Do you know any lesbians in real life? It's very different than what you might have seen in lesbian porn: lesbian porn is actually made for straight men so it tends to be nothing like what really happens in real-world lesbian relationships. And you're right not to be envious of that unwanted male attention: it can be extremely annoying!

I get envious of lesbians because of that as well, they might be able to replace men :/ Ruby Rose has a masculine energy but can be attractive in a feminine or androgynous way.

You've been hanging out with the wrong guys. There are plenty of interesting, warm, affectionate and frankly beautiful men out there. I work in a posh town & the guys here are very well groomed. It all depends on where you are!

Sounds like my idea of beautiful on a man must contradict yours. Where I live, the men here are well groomed, but I don't find many of them attractive because they look masculine as well.

This is not a good reason to transition. Some girls are attractive, but many are not - and do you have any idea how you'd look if you were to transition? If being beautiful is your goal, how would you cope if you weren't beautiful? At any rate, looks fade and those of us who are lucky enough to last long enough will start to wrinkle, sag and go grey. Then what?

I'm trying to be pretty and otherwise get the look I want before my body won't let me.

Of course they are, but for different reasons. Religious institutions rely on having a steady supply of fresh bums on seats, because that's how they make their money. Corporations tend to play to stereotypes in their advertising because that's the best way to reach the widest possible audience & sell the most products. They're both in it to make money, and you don't have to conform to what they're trying to make you do.

I don't know if coming out to my community as atheist or agnostic because I believe religious institutions to be a capitalistic machine to be a good enough reason. I just believe it's intended to keep men and women in line.

There's nothing wrong with having specialist interests: many of us Aspies have our anorak subjects and they give us great joy. If that other guy isn't to your taste (and it certainly sounds like he isn't!) then don't hang out with him. I've found that forcing myself to be in the company of neurotypical people makes it easier for me to cope with my Asperger's, and hanging around with other people on the autism spectrum can make my symptoms much worse!

I try not to hang out with him. Annoyingly, although we study very different subjects, we study at the same university, so I'm likely to come across him.

Unless you go into very specific careers (such as banking) with strict dress codes, you're free to dress according to your own style. I'm in IT and I wear jeans, Converse, funky T-Shirts etc. and I can have my hair (and facial hair) any way I like, as long as I'm clean. But I'm not restricted to that: I've also worn Goth and Steampunk looks to work before. Game Design is a field in which individuality is celebrated, so you would have a lot of freedom in how you dress, irrespective of gender.

I don't know if I could get away with wearing tops such as these in an IT environment:


I want to set myself apart from the mostly male-dominated environment of the IT environment (since that's what I'm most likely going to be qualified for considering my degree) and be more like the (attractive and few) women in there if they are working in IT.

Don't envy what women have to wear: the rules for women are often more restrictive than for men (e.g. you have to wear high heels, and make-up, and a fashionable outfit at all times). Women also compare outfits against each other so you wind up having to make sure that everything you wear is 'correct' according to current fashions. This can be incredibly stressful, especially if you're on the autism spectrum! And it's very expensive too: not just the clothes, but the hair & make-up are very expensive. If you're used to paying about a tenner for a barber shop cut, women have to spend £90-£150 for a professional style & colour job. Every six weeks. Oh, and straight women think about men all the time, just as straight men think about women all the time. It's human nature to obsess over that which we most desire.

Yeah, I did think at one time that women seemed a bit pathetic when they were wearing cap sleeve tops at a formal party. That said, I'm not a big fan of wearing suits, which I'll only willingly wear when made to.

[CharleeGrrl]

Thank you! I'm sorry if I haven't been on here quite often since it's been annoyingly gonna be a busy week for me. I would like to see another mental health professional who doesn't specialise in gender therapy first though, to see if it's anything else. They might refer me to a gender therapist.I don't know. I can only hope my job accepts it. I might want to go to a stylist to have it a bit tidier, but they're expensive and where I live, I'm not sure if they're gonna offer me the style I want.

Not knowing where you live, I cannot speak to that issue. But the great PT Barnum had a saying, that "The customer is always right". So? Look through books of styling photos (hair-do models), and pick one that you like. Or maybe just start simply.
   When I started out in my transition 3 years ago, I went to a stylist who ran a nice local shop. I talked to her about my being transgendered, so she would understand "where I was going" with this. We agreed that we would start with her training my hair in, using a 'feathering' approach. And she also layered my hair. Just gently and softly at first, but deeper and more pronouncedly as time went on and as it grew longer, the effect has been dramatic!
Now my hair is MUCH longer, starting well down my back; my boyfriend loves it! He says it gives him someplace to put his hands when we "get busy".
   I dunno if that's were you're looking to end up, but by letting your hair grow out and by styling it in, you'll give yourself the best chance to be where you find yourself the most comfortable and the happiest about this most basic, but most important step.
   And by the way, you do not need to discuss your life's directions, if any at this point. At least not with a stylist! May God be with you and guide your heart. I'm always here to message, about anything you might like to ask me. And I promise that I won't push religion at you, despite my little prayer for you.

Sent from my K88 using Tapatalk

[Riv3n]

Not knowing where you live, I cannot speak to that issue. But the great PT Barnum had a saying, that "The customer is always right". So? Look through books of styling photos (hair-do models), and pick one that you like. Or maybe just start simply.
   When I started out in my transition 3 years ago, I went to a stylist who ran a nice local shop. I talked to her about my being transgendered, so she would understand "where I was going" with this. We agreed that we would start with her training my hair in, using a 'feathering' approach. And she also layered my hair. Just gently and softly at first, but deeper and more pronouncedly as time went on and as it grew longer, the effect has been dramatic!
Now my hair is MUCH longer, starting well down my back; my boyfriend loves it! He says it gives him someplace to put his hands when we "get busy".

I live in the UK and am hopefully going to be in North America, where it's cheap.
:/

I'm quite jealous of you now.

I dunno if that's were you're looking to end up, but by letting your hair grow out and by styling it in, you'll give yourself the best chance to be where you find yourself the most comfortable and the happiest about this most basic, but most important step.
   And by the way, you do not need to discuss your life's directions, if any at this point. At least not with a stylist! May God be with you and guide your heart. I'm always here to message, about anything you might like to ask me. And I promise that I won't push religion at you, despite my little prayer for you.

Sent from my K88 using Tapatalk

It's OK, hence why I'm probably looking to get back to a counsellor or some other mental health professional again to figure out what I want in life.