Hi! I am Marcie Elizabeth and I am very new to admitting this is me! But this is My Story in very brief -I remember second grade exploring Mom's lingerie drawer and being overcome with the perfume and beautiful smells. I tried on her panties and her corsellete that I think no longer fit her! But from that time on I remember visiting her room and diving into the drawers to find new treasures and that was also when I started to pull things out of the rummage sales for our church sale. Panty girdles, bras, corsets, and panties whatever I could find. They became on ongoing stash in my room hidden in various places, boxes and bags under things, and for awhile in my drawers under clothes, but it was obvious Mom had found them when I was in 4th grade. All of a sudden she wanted my younger sister and I to put on a fashion show for she and Dad – I got to be the woman, wearing a skirt, stockings and garter belt, bra stuffed, and a long sleeve black body suit. And a nice hat! Was one of the outfits, my sister I do not think got it at all. I did get it, I was in HEAVEN – finally I was dressed as a woman, I felt like a real woman, like myself! But I could not admit it and all it did was to increase my desire to live as a woman, a girl, and no fashion show was enough. I could not especially live as such in the late 1960s!without being called all kinds of names and be totally misunderstood Being like that was not allowed, and certainly there was no one to help me through it, or to even tell me what it was that was going on!! Dad never let me wear pink ever! I believe to this day it was because this whole affair struck fear of me being gay, or what I am, transgender! It was all his 1915 heart could do to protect himself and he thought me. I am willing to bet this idea for the fashion show came from one of those life cycle books, or more likely our physician who thought giving me a chance to try these things would satisfy my curiosity! IT STOKED IT!! I was sure that living as a woman was what I wanted. I even would dig in my Auntie's laundry and try on her All in one girdles – and other women's and girl's bathing suits when I was a guest in their home and the laundry was in their bathroom or pool house changing rooms. I would babysit and play hide and seek at my neighbors just so I could go up in the attic and wear her long line bra with stays and the padded cups she had stored up there! I even would wear my cousin's bra she wore in her wedding and kept in her lingerie drawer at her home– mind you she was divorced by now – but I eventually took that bra, later in life a cute neighborhood teenager was donating clothes and while out walking the dog I took her donated padded bra from the bag by the curb! There turned out to be many ways to appease a lost soul. Meanwhile I became a husband and Father – I hope and think a good one – but it was while playing a charade!!
As I remember it as I aged and went through puberty – of course becoming a woman was not an option even though Dr. Renee Richards intrigued me finding info on it was impossible - I threw out my collection of niceties several times and asked God to help me to find a way to be normal. It sort of worked each time - for awhile – However as I have aged and have money I have amassed a collection of fineries to wear and my wife lets it happen out of sight, at night under my clothes -mostly. But now I am a late middle aged overweight man and my man boobs have recharged a strong feeling to live as a woman who I really am! This time – for the first time - in a much more physical way than ever before – finally realizing my desire? – no not desire -NEED - to fulfill who I am – a woman! So with the enhanced desire and realization of who I am, and always have been, always will be - a woman – Marcia Elizabeth! A better woman than my wife, and BTW she is a better husband than I!!! But I am afraid, afraid of so much. Most of the fears are predictable, losing my job, my kids, my wife, not being accepted, and being bullied. I was bullied a lot early in life. Interestingly I think I was sort of a stud through puberty, but I never took advantage of it – I have some sort of Warren Beatty SHAMPOO movie stories where women wanted me but I shied away, I also loved to be with women – I may be gay ladies!! But what I wanted to do with ladies is get into their clothes! Literally – and to be in their bodies and their clothes - I wanted to be in both of them!!! Now my man boobs are an A cup without trying, and with bio-identical hormones my nipples are starting to be upright and tender all the time, my T levels are apparently okay but in analysis serum is low - and using just OTC natural products in just a couple of weeks I am approaching a 48B! I am pushing all the OTC natural hormones I can and wearing hidden panties and bras and even women's yoga pants daily! All I can say is this is a cry for HELP!!! And support, and some compassion, and even love, with the now level headed realizations that if I continue this way everyone will have to find out – but I need to do this. I feel it in my very being, in my soul, it is who I really am. I smirk to myself just writing this. I hope you feel that way too – do you?
