Dealing with extended family.. From Pakistan?

[Ollikkuma]

Hi there, my name's Dylan, I'm 16 and I'm an ftm boy from the UK. So far I've had a really decent experience with my transition, a lot people were more accepting than I originally thought. Especially my dad, he's from Pakistan and it took him time but he's learned to accept it and he's happy for me.

So that's all been good, but there's one problem. One of my Pakistani cousins will be getting married this year and we're all visiting Pakistan for the occasion. So I'm really damn unsure about what I'm going to do, my dad just tells his family that I'm tomboyish to keep them from asking questions, but I'm pretty scared about what might happen if they figure it out. They're all lovely people but I'm really not too sure about what would happen, my dad would probably get a lot of the blame, they would maybe cut him off? I'm not sure..

I know this probably isn't something a lot of people could relate to, but what would you do if you were in my situation? I'm thinking about talking to my parents about it, I'm not sure if I'd even feel safe enough to go to be honest.

[Jessica-Light]

Heya Dylan!

I'm really glad to hear your dad is coming around to accepting you for being you. That must be a gigantic weight lifted off your shoulders.

The fact that you wouldn't feel "safe" in attending your cousin's wedding raises red flags. I know laws and beliefs vary between countries so, I don't know how critical the situation could get if you did attend. I would certainly talk to your dad and other family members around you and make them aware of your concerns. If you feel you're unsafe and at risk while you are visiting I would strongly suggest you don't go and give your cousin your congratulations from a distance where you don't have to worry about your safety. It's unfortunate but it may be the only option.

How will your parents react if you do not attend? I get the feeling your family is very close and connected with each other which might make this difficult. The sad reality is you never really know if you're safe no matter where you're at in this world but, if you fear your family may react violently towards you - it's best not to go. It does suck and there probably will be a lot of backlash with such choice but your health and safety outweigh any variable in almost every aspect.

Hopefully, your dad will be able to understand where you're coming from seeing as how he has accepted you for being the real you. There are other options I could recommend but even I wouldn't feel comfortable in doing them - I like to remain true to myself and who I am as a person.

Let us know how your dad reacts and what he suggests if you do talk to him about it.

Stay safe and keep your chin up

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

I'm from the UK too. I don't know anything about Pakistani culture so wouldn't be able to advise you on what might happen.

However, there's a London-based Muslim LGBTQ charity that might be able to help - google 'Imaan LGBTQ' and you should find them. Many of them have families from your father's culture and they may be able to advise you on what might happen and how best to tackle any problems that may arise.

As you're not Pakistani yourself, I'd recommend you let your father lead the way with his relatives. He's likely to have a better idea of how to handle things, so let him be your guide.

[Ollikkuma]

Thanks so much for your replies! <3 I've had a word with my parents about it and they said that if I didn't feel safe about it I wouldn't have to go which I'm really happy about. I think I might look into the Imaan website, thanks for telling me about that, I appreciate it!

[Jacqueline]

Dylan,

So sorry this is so late. I wanted to welcome you to the site. You bring up some valid concerns. I think you have gotten a couple of really good suggestions. Glad to hear you are in therapy already.

Hoping this all goes smoothly for you. Weddings can be so great yet stressful events.

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