Am i being irrational?

[Peep]

This is a complicated situation but i need some unbiased advice so i'll try to make it simple -- I have a friend who i found has feelings for me, but i'm in a committed relationship and want to stay that way, but we decided to try and still be friends (which i left up to them as i felt it was more responsible to not be -- this may have been a mistake)

they've made it pretty clear that they don't like my partner and they also say that they're anxious or uncomfortable around him (which i don't disbelieve) but that they still want to support me and hear about my life

but then they asked not to hear about my relationship and i was offended at first and thought they were intentionally trying to make me feel guilty but realised that this was actually fair enough and apologised, and apologised for being offended

they asked why i thought they'd want me to feel guilty and i said that a lot of the time they put me down and make me out to be a bad person, or imply or outright say that my words or actions aren't good enough and again they said they didn't mean to do this etc and apologised and it seemed like we were okay

but then they came back and said again that i'm not a good enough friend (and gave me specific words and expressions that they want to hear when they're upset) and were condescending about their acceptance of my situation and my anxiety issues -- and also said that they're worried that they're becoming an emotional crutch in my relationship -- despite us only talking about it twice since March.

It just doesn't seem comparable that i asked them to stop making sure that i knew how accepting they were of me being bad at things (they'd expressly say "I know you're bad at this") or reminding me of mistakes i've made that i've apologised for and they've claimed to forgive -- and they asked me to be more effusive in my praise of them? its worth mentioning that this isn't the first time that they've said they need to hear how important they are to me on a regular basis/ that my life advice wasn't of a high enough standard, and in the past (two or three occasions) i accepted this and apologised and tried to pay more attention. i've never turned them down when they've needed to talk or vent & let them know i'm thinking of them all the time, through conversation or through token gifts and things, but they way they said it it felt like nothing i've done or said meant anything

i also hold back most of my issues so as not to overburden them but now i'm scared to say anything again incase it seems like i'm taking advantage

i've only shared problems i'm having maybe three times including those two that were about my bf

i sort of feel like they decided that i'm relying on them too much so that they could make me feel guilty and make it my problem that they can't support me in that area? but i might be wrong and i don't really know anyone else i can ask

i do really like this person and i really don't want to stop being friends with them but i'm really daunted by the prospect of this kind of thing continuing, i feel really bad about myself and i don't know if i should or not

[Jennifer RachaelAnn]

This person is not a friend. They are abusing you to make their self feel bigger. What they are doing is manipulating and controlling you. They are so mighty on their high horse, that they feel they can treat people any way they want, and that people are required to stay there and let them do it to them. This is not a problem on your side. You are at no fault here. I would say dump them. If this is the way they treat you, you need to get out now. Kick them out of your life, and replace them with someone who is actually going to be a real friend. Quickly is best. This person may not get the message at first, but the more you ignore, the quicker they will realize that they are not welcome.

[eyesk8rboi]

I agree....They're toxic. Dump them.

[Kylo]

Could well be a case of jealousy.

I've had friends in the past who had feelings for me who were irritated by me talking about my relationship difficulties (something I no longer do). I didn't quite realize the extent of their feelings at the time because they never articulated it well; and if they were in a bad mood they would then proceed to tell me all my faults according to them. Which sounds somewhat similar to what you described.

On the other hand I've had friends who I had feelings for whom I had often listened to and supported, and who talked about their relationships with everyone but me, and I felt much the same way. It was irritating, because it felt like this person was using me as their emotional rag while their mind was never apparently on our friendship. I didn't start reeling off their faults, but I did distance myself.

There is a possibility of relying on someone too much. If it turns out they care less about the friendship or about you than you do about them that is going to hurt. I've had friends I considered extremely close who it turns out didn't feel the same way at all and that only led to the same outcome; distance.