Afraid to come out, and not even 100% sure if I want to be trans

[ErosNightleaf]

Hi I'm Ethan and this is my first post on this site! I'm a 15 y/o male and I'm pretty sure I want to be a girl, but I'm not 100% sure. More like 90% but I still want to be 100% sure. I also am having difficulties on coming out to my parents and friends on the fact that I might want to change my gender (as well as the fact that I'm bi, which is unrelated). Can someone help me maybe in determining if this is the best choice for me? I will provide more details upon request obviously.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of us have some doubt in our minds and that's why many of us take years to transition. At the age of 15, early treatment will provide far better results that if you wait. You are not committed to any decision you make and you can change your mind at any time. This is the reason why you see a gender therapist and major decisions like surgery take place after you are 18 years of age. Normal treatment for now would be a Testosterone blocker to halt puberty and you may be permitted to live in the desired gender.

This is a self diagnosed condition meaning you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. I have a couple of links that might help you with your decision. The first is our WIKI where you will learn what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will go over some questions with you that might help you understand yourself. Feel free to ask any questions you might have and we will do our best to answer them.

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[Emilia]

Hi Ethan.
I think i can kinda relate to what you're feeling lately, even though i'm pretty sure it's not the same and you should definitely act the way it feels the most comfortable to you yourself. I can only tell you how it was for me when i was your age (god that sounds like i'm super old >.>)

At the moment, i'm 18, so 3 years ahead of you. At your age, i was trying my best to be a "perfect cis male", even though i had some doubts and thoughts in my head telling me not to act like that. I had a girlfried for half a year to be "extra-cis", but in the end, i just accepted it for myself, with the help of some close friends. I tried out being a girl, online first on some discord servers. It felt more natural to me than being that cis male i pretended i was. As time went on i saw it more and more, and accepted being different, being transgender.

I know this is just my story (kind of), but what i want to tell you with it is that there's no real way we could tell you what is right or wrong, you have to find out for yourself, you can try the thing i did, living a "girl life" for some time online, seeing how it feels. You're the only one who can answer your question
And about your parents, that strongly depends on your relation with them. If your relation is good and they're accepting stuff like that in general, talk to them about it. Tell them that you are not sure, maybe it could help you

Emilia~

[Julia1996]

Hi Ethan. I'm Julia. I'm 19. No one can say if you're trans or not it's something you have to realize yourself. But it really helps to talk with someone. If you are comfortable with a guidance counselor at your school and you don't think they will like call your parents and narc you out then maybe talk to them. I didn't like my guidance counselor so what I did was see a counselor outside school. I called the LGBT youth center and asked them for the name of a counselor who was free and would talk to me. That helped me a lot. Also if your parents take you to a counselor just know that that confidential law thing for Drs doesent apply to people under 18 as far as parents are concerned. They can talk to your parents about anything you say. Telling your parents is scary I know. I was really scared to tell anyone I was trans. I was really androgynous and fem and everyone just thought I was gay. My parents accepted me just fine but I was afraid I would really be pushing it if I came out as trans. But sometimes parents aren't as clueless as you think. My parents just asked me one night if I wanted to be a girl. They said if I did I needed to just do it so I could get on with life. If they hadn't called me out I totally might still be living as a gay boy. It's like really hard to know how parents are gonna react but you know them better than anyone. You said you're BI.  Do your parents know that you are? How do they react and what do they say about LGBT people and especially transgender people? Are you guys like really religious? All that stuff can maybe give you a clue how their gonna act. But actually you never know for sure until you tell them. But you have time so you might want to just kind of check stuff out with them before you commit to coming out. I hope this helps a little.

[ErosNightleaf]

Hi Ethan.
I think i can kinda relate to what you're feeling lately, even though i'm pretty sure it's not the same and you should definitely act the way it feels the most comfortable to you yourself. I can only tell you how it was for me when i was your age (god that sounds like i'm super old >.>)

At the moment, i'm 18, so 3 years ahead of you. At your age, i was trying my best to be a "perfect cis male", even though i had some doubts and thoughts in my head telling me not to act like that. I had a girlfried for half a year to be "extra-cis", but in the end, i just accepted it for myself, with the help of some close friends. I tried out being a girl, online first on some discord servers. It felt more natural to me than being that cis male i pretended i was. As time went on i saw it more and more, and accepted being different, being transgender.

I know this is just my story (kind of), but what i want to tell you with it is that there's no real way we could tell you what is right or wrong, you have to find out for yourself, you can try the thing i did, living a "girl life" for some time online, seeing how it feels. You're the only one who can answer your question
And about your parents, that strongly depends on your relation with them. If your relation is good and they're accepting stuff like that in general, talk to them about it. Tell them that you are not sure, maybe it could help you

Emilia~

That's a good idea! Perhaps I'll try doing an RP with someone where I'm a girl (I actually used to do that a bit before I even knew I wanted to be trans but I didn't know why I liked it so much) Also I do think my parents would be generally accepting (or at least they wouldn't throw me out of the house. It would probably take them a little while to accept me for who I am) but I am not close with them at all and don't feel comfortable talking to them about it yet. I kind of want to come out to someone else about it first. Maybe a councilor. I just wish I could start taking hormones without my parents permission so I could start to subtly become more feminine until they kind of find it easier to accept me as a girl anyways.

[ErosNightleaf]

Hi Ethan. I'm Julia. I'm 19. No one can say if you're trans or not it's something you have to realize yourself. But it really helps to talk with someone. If you are comfortable with a guidance counselor at your school and you don't think they will like call your parents and narc you out then maybe talk to them. I didn't like my guidance counselor so what I did was see a counselor outside school. I called the LGBT youth center and asked them for the name of a counselor who was free and would talk to me. That helped me a lot. Also if your parents take you to a counselor just know that that confidential law thing for Drs doesent apply to people under 18 as far as parents are concerned. They can talk to your parents about anything you say. Telling your parents is scary I know. I was really scared to tell anyone I was trans. I was really androgynous and fem and everyone just thought I was gay. My parents accepted me just fine but I was afraid I would really be pushing it if I came out as trans. But sometimes parents aren't as clueless as you think. My parents just asked me one night if I wanted to be a girl. They said if I did I needed to just do it so I could get on with life. If they hadn't called me out I totally might still be living as a gay boy. It's like really hard to know how parents are gonna react but you know them better than anyone. You said you're BI.  Do your parents know that you are? How do they react and what do they say about LGBT people and especially transgender people? Are you guys like really religious? All that stuff can maybe give you a clue how their gonna act. But actually you never know for sure until you tell them. But you have time so you might want to just kind of check stuff out with them before you commit to coming out. I hope this helps a little.

They're not SUPER religious but I still think they'd act weirdly about it. My dad once said that he thought bi people were selfish cause they couldn't choose. My parents are close friends with a lesbian couple though. I could probably convince them to accept me as bi, and they might act weird around me for a bit but eventually get over it. The fact that I'm trans however, that might just be too much of a shocker.

[elkie-t]

There's a drug that suspends puberty. It's not female hormones, you won't grow boobs or anything. It will just prevent irreversible changes to your voice box, and face hair and kind of stop growth. Once you decide what is best for you, you would be able to either start taking female hormones, or stop taking that drug and let the nature drive you through your late puberty. Act fast

[ErosNightleaf]

There's a drug that suspends puberty. It's not female hormones, you won't grow boobs or anything. It will just prevent irreversible changes to your voice box, and face hair and kind of stop growth. Once you decide what is best for you, you would be able to either start taking female hormones, or stop taking that drug and let the nature drive you through your late puberty. Act fast

Id need parental permission tho

[Janes Groove]

Realistically, since you are underage, living at home, and a dependent of your parents the only way you are going to start any sort of transition is with their consent.  That means if you want to transition now you must come out of the closet and tell them.  It's a pretty stark choice to have to make at your young age but there it is.  It's a very simple equation.  Chances are they won't be too enthusiastic about it since HRT for minors is still very controversial among cisgender folks, but it will be out in the open and you will then have the advantage of knowing exactly where they stand on the issue and you will be able to openly argue your case.  If they are totally opposed then you will have to make other plans for your transition.  That means waiting until you are financially independent of them.

I wasn't 100% sure either, but with few things one ever is.   After I started HRT I became 100% sure.  90% is pretty good and sounds pretty common.

I know you are afraid to come out.  We all were. That's part of the process and the first step in your transition.

[AnonyMs]

Id need parental permission tho

There's probably a couple of things that might help. See a good gender therapist as they might be able to help with your parents. Explain that blockers are completely reversible and give you time to understand your issues - your parents might be only to happy to put things off until later, trying to avoid the issue. By the time you're 18 you can make your own decisions. Also explain that being trans and not doing anything about it could have a bad effect on your emotional and academic development, so blockers are a a way of helping you get through this really important part of your life.

It also does of course also give you time to understand yourself.

I'd find a therapist by looking for one in your area that's recommended by other trans people. There's generally also ones's you'd want to avoid.

[ErosNightleaf]

Realistically, since you are underage, living at home, and a dependent of your parents the only way you are going to start any sort of transition is with their consent.  That means if you want to transition now you must come out of the closet and tell them.  It's a pretty stark choice to have to make at your young age but there it is.  It's a very simple equation.  Chances are they won't be too enthusiastic about it since HRT for minors is still very controversial among cisgender folks, but it will be out in the open and you will then have the advantage of knowing exactly where they stand on the issue and you will be able to openly argue your case.  If they are totally opposed then you will have to make other plans for your transition.  That means waiting until you are financially independent of them.

I wasn't 100% sure either, but with few things one ever is.   After I started HRT I became 100% sure.  90% is pretty good and sounds pretty common.

I know you are afraid to come out.  We all were. That's part of the process and the first step in your transition.

That was very motivational. Thank you:)