GCS with McGinn (After so many years waiting)

[HappyMoni]

Hello,

   I was thinking this morning that mentally I am moving on a little. Yes,  I am mindful of how long I am post op but I am less aware of other milestones like RLE or HRT.  It is not good or bad. It is just a reminder of a new chapter starting in my life. I feel that there are many more chapters to go, but I am finding that a weight that I had is gone. There are things still to do. The difference from before to now is this. Before I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for GCS. I felt a desperation to my life. Now I think any improvements to me becoming more physically comfortable will be a part of my life. I don't hold my breath any more. Let's get cliche here, I am smelling the roses. At my age, I damn well better, right?
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Smelling the roses... Yes, I think you should be.  You began a new life when you woke up from the surgery.  Enjoy it.

Ithink I understand the holding your breath feeling you had.  Though I an enjoying being socially transitioned immensely, there is still something missing.  As I go along, I become more sure every day that there is surgery in my future.  I cannot imagine getting this far and stopping short of the goal.

You, sister, are there. 

[Laurie]

Hello,

   I was thinking this morning that mentally I am moving on a little. Yes,  I am mindful of how long I am post op but I am less aware of other milestones like RLE or HRT.  It is not good or bad. It is just a reminder of a new chapter starting in my life. I feel that there are many more chapters to go, but I am finding that a weight that I had is gone. There are things still to do. The difference from before to now is this. Before I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for GCS. I felt a desperation to my life. Now I think any improvements to me becoming more physically comfortable will be a part of my life. I don't hold my breath any more. Let's get cliche here, I am smelling the roses. At my age, I damn well better, right?
Moni

Hi uh umm what is your name again?

   Funny you should be saying that. Oh, there is absolutely nothing wrong with progress and my dear what progress you have made! Congrats on feeling like you are getting there. And as for smelling of the roses, it is always nice to pause and savor their sweet fragrance. Enjoy it while you can lady.
   I say funny not for you feeling like you are finally moving on but because since my return home I am beginning to feel like I'm standing still. I find myself wondering what I can do next, where do I go from here?

  I am happy for Moni. I really am.

Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Thank you Kathy, I think some folks know they need GCS very early on as I did. Others, maybe it sneaks up a bit. The truly lucky may be able to not need it.  I wish I knew why it hits so late for some, this tremendous desire. It is a powerful thing whenever it hits. I guess I am thankful I was sure about it. To be on the fence about such a change has got to be tough.

Laurie, is this restlessness a new thing for you? Do you think you cannot be happy just continuing as you are?

I am off to pick up my partner at the airport. I am wearing a dress. I have really been enjoying skirts and dresses since the surgery makes jeans a bit more uncomfortable. I don't get to wear them at work. I am curious to walk among people and see if I feel any different. I have been pretty quarantined recently. Thought I better do that so no one catches my contagious transness. If we are screwing up our military, just image what will happen to the general public.
Moni

[Laurie]

Laurie, is this restlessness a new thing for you? Do you think you cannot be happy just continuing as you are?

Moni

  Monica,

  Yes, it is new in that it is transition related. Wanting to get in my truck and drive and go someplace, almost any place is nothing knew, which is why I have done it quite a few times when i can afford it. All those tanks of gas aren't cheap. But this has nothing to do with that. It is strictly transition related. This stagnant feeling is new but my head is flooded with thoughts of becoming Laurie. I haven't really played my gaming obsession, World of Warcraft, since I began this journey. I used to play it 14 -18 hours a day, but now I spend that time on Susan's.

  Do I think I can be happy being stagnant? No. My road trip adventure and going full time have done a lot for me in accepting myself, but I am not there yet. Where ever there is? I know I won't be "there" until I have become comfortable with who I am in  any situation I may encounter and I still have many challenges to go with that. When I stop feeling like a man in a dress, then I might be there. I don't know. But I know I won't get there by staying where I'm at now.

   I don't know if that answers your questions Monica. I don't even know if it answers them for me. Thinking about it makes me feel confused, like I don't know what it is I want. And that might just be true.

Sorry for my rambling in your thread Moni.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Dena]

Laurie, about 5 weeks ago you were first stepping out the apartment as yourself. A little farther back than that you weren't out to your sister and she is under the same roof as you. You are in the process of facial hair removal. You could be working on your voice however you haven't had that MAKEOVER yet. You are moving along at a pretty good clip but for now, just decide what you want to tackle next.

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   The fact that you are unsettled is an answer in itself. I think trans feelings/desires are referred to as the 'beast' because it is rather like a hungry animal that takes possession of us. So often it wants more and more. I would say you are saying  backward is no answer. If you move forward all you have to decide is the next step not your whole future. Maybe looking at it this way might take off the pressure/stress.
Monica

[Kendra]

Laurie you are ahead of me in this so my advice is limited but... would you feel better with an updated ID?  Or start with an updated credit card - I did that with a 3 minute phone call to American Express.  Just some ideas. 

State of Oregon is progressive on ID.  A month ago they started issuing the first gender-neutral driver licenses in the US.  Choices are M, F, X.

[Laurie]

Okay lets make this the last post about me for now in Monica's thread, I've mentioned this in my own.

Dena - There are a couple things I can do.  Thank you for reminding me I need to look into the voice referral my GT was supposed to make for me. I can do that when I see him on the 14th. Another thing is to see if I can get new glasses without waiting for November because I was not to to go get them ordered after the last prescription was written. It kinda got lost in the shuffle with my retina tear.

Kendra - It has crossed my mind to see if I can get mine revised at Costco. Not sure about a License yet. That a legal document and there may be requirements I don't meet. Needs research.

Moni - No going backwards isn't an option though you did not ask that question. Forward is the direction I need to go yes but I feel I am not moving. Though I likely am albeit slowly. That becoming comfortable is going to take sometime yet I fear. Maybe that's what got me antsy. Maybe my labs will be what the doc want to see and he will up my estradiol again and make me happy. I'm also hoping my T has gone back down I didn't like seeing it at 200.

You can have your thread back Moni Thank you for the loan of it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[jentay1367]

Hi Laurie. Standing still is not so bad. Your transition can wait for you. This is your life, your transition and your call. Staying on your HRT and waiting for direction seems like a prudent course of action. When tou know, you can go. Whatand whereever that decision may take you.
The important thing is to be happy and to do whatever is right for you. I think your heart will tell you what that is when it presents itself.


Edit....oops! I posted this after Laurie posted "no more" ....sorry!

[HappyMoni]

Hi Laurie. Standing still is not so bad. Your transition can wait for you. This is your life, your transition and your call. Staying on your HRT and waiting for direction seems like a prudent course of action. When tou know, you can go. Whatand whereever that decision may take you.
The important thing is to be happy and to do whatever is right for you. I think your heart will tell you what that is when it presents itself.


Edit....oops! I posted this after Laurie posted "no more" ....sorry!

Ohhhhh! You posted after Laurie told you not to. I'm gonna tell.

It was nice to pick up my partner at the airport. I was owning it walking through the airport in my new dress. Caught no bears though. I so love wearing a dress with no 'battle of the bulge' to worry about.

[Laurie]

Ohhhhh! You posted after Laurie told you not to. I'm gonna tell.

It was nice to pick up my partner at the airport. I was owning it walking through the airport in my new dress. Caught no bears though. I so love wearing a dress with no 'battle of the bulge' to worry about.

Glad you enjoyed The great Dress Caper Milenie. Wearing a dress or skirt in public is one of those things I am still uncomfortable and self conscious with doing. Hey there is another thing I could be working on. I love them just feel a bit strange wearing them out. I've only done it a few times. Going to the doctor appointments and ct scan on the 14th in a skirt and top may be a good idea.
  I'm sure you rocked it Munndi. Good for you.

And yes I saw your post Lisa thank you for the support, but I need to disagree will the standing still. It's because I feel I am doing just that, that I am feeling restless as Minica puts it. I need to feel like I'm moving forward. It doesn't have to be a big move I just need to feel like I am moving.

  I'm happy you have your partner home with you again Meiny.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Jacqueline]

Moni,

As one of the folks that the need has been sneaking up then mugging me quickly, I think I understand what you are saying. I think I hoped I would not have to follow through but I think it is not a choice for me so much.

As a part of my progression I have to break Laurie's rule again. I had that feeling for about a year starting at 4 months of HRT. I was restless and wanting to continue and yet terrified. I had hoped to transition at a glacial pace but it seems that beastie either has a hold of me or, as I said, is mugging me. I hope to joint the illustrious members like dear Moni writing up a topic like this.

Hope you all have a good rest of your week. I have a couple quick trips for the rest of the week.

Take care.

Warmly
Jacqui

[HappyMoni]

Moni,

As one of the folks that the need has been sneaking up then mugging me quickly, I think I understand what you are saying. I think I hoped I would not have to follow through but I think it is not a choice for me so much.

As a part of my progression I have to break Laurie's rule again. I had that feeling for about a year starting at 4 months of HRT. I was restless and wanting to continue and yet terrified. I had hoped to transition at a glacial pace but it seems that beastie either has a hold of me or, as I said, is mugging me. I hope to joint the illustrious members like dear Moni writing up a topic like this.

Hope you all have a good rest of your week. I have a couple quick trips for the rest of the week.

Take care.

Warmly
Jacqui

Laurie's rules don't apply this side of the Great Wall. We are safe here from her 'wildlings' and 'white walkers.'
Skirts are a good first step, dresses are tougher. Don't know why.

The idea of transitioning as slow as one would like, now there is a poll question. I have to think, unless circumstances prevent it, that there aren't many transitioners who do so as slow as they originally planned once the process has started. It ran over me like a freight train.

Illustrious? Does that mean getting one's head put on the Trans Mount Rushmore?
Moni

Anyone think going from fully in blue to fully in green would take quite a while? If I get green in all the  way, I hope I can drop blue. Hate to wash three. Orange is a 'pipe dream' at this point.

[HappyMoni]

  Monica,

  Yes, it is new in that it is transition related. Wanting to get in my truck and drive and go someplace, almost any place is nothing knew, which is why I have done it quite a few times when i can afford it. All those tanks of gas aren't cheap. But this has nothing to do with that. It is strictly transition related. This stagnant feeling is new but my head is flooded with thoughts of becoming Laurie. I haven't really played my gaming obsession, World of Warcraft, since I began this journey. I used to play it 14 -18 hours a day, but now I spend that time on Susan's.

  Do I think I can be happy being stagnant? No. My road trip adventure and going full time have done a lot for me in accepting myself, but I am not there yet. Where ever there is? I know I won't be "there" until I have become comfortable with who I am in  any situation I may encounter and I still have many challenges to go with that. When I stop feeling like a man in a dress, then I might be there. I don't know. But I know I won't get there by staying where I'm at now.

   I don't know if that answers your questions Monica. I don't even know if it answers them for me. Thinking about it makes me feel confused, like I don't know what it is I want. And that might just be true.

Sorry for my rambling in your thread Moni.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Laurie,
   I think I may be experiencing the same thing that you have been lately. For me, although not all of it was pleasant, there was a lot of excitement with surgery, family visiting, and the lovely support from my wonderful friends. (You know who you are.) It is probably similar to the excitement of your trip. Real life begins again at some point though. It is an adjustment just like it was gearing up to the craziness. I think Anne is experiencing a little of that part now. I don't think it is depression as much as it is adjusting. I was wondering if you are better. I know in three weeks my isolation, sitting on the couch a lot adventure ends, work begins, and a different adjustment happens. My neighbor told me yesterday that she was retiring. I almost felt sorry for her because of the lost look on her face. We all  need a purpose, something to drive us to get up each day. I hope you figure out your next mountain to climb. I thought after this surgery, I might not be craving seeking out a next move, transgender wise. I don't have the same desperate urgency as before, but there are still a few dysphoria skeletons in the closet. I still feel the  drive to move forward.
Moni
Wow, we have to stop meeting like this, almost being nice to each other and stuff.

[Laurie]

Wow, we have to stop meeting like this, almost being nice to each other and stuff.

  Dang it  Maaaunie, I think you might have something here. I mean like if I use your chosen names, someone may think I am actually trying to be serious. I'm not sure I can go all the way to "nice" though.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[HappyMoni]

  Dang it  Maaaunie, I think you might have something here. I mean like if I use your chosen names, someone may think I'm actually am trying to be serious. I'm not sure I can go all the way to "nice" though.

Hugs,
    Laurie

Laurie,
   Oh come on, I have confidence in you, you can't.

[Kendra]

Not to skirt the issue, but when I wear a dress I've found colors and patterns help hide the fact I haven't done the Win with McGinn thing yet.  White tends to show shape more than black, and just about any pattern is a form of camouflage.

[Rachel]

Monica, I agree, when I had GCS my genital dysphoria was gone. My desire for other surgeries decreased.

[V]

This is true, other than some hair transplants that I had done about 2 years after my SRS, it's taken me until this year (over 12 years later) to decide to have more surgery, in this case FFS. I know I need revision surgery 'down there' since my SRS didn't work out too good, but I have not had the courage to approach this so far...
Once you have had your SRS/GCS, the urgency to tackle other issues does seem to wane a bit, although I don't think it goes completely.