GCS with McGinn (After so many years waiting)

[HappyMoni]

   Hi V, we haven't talked for way too long. I hope you are doing well. I agree with you Rachel that the genital dysphoria is gone. The presence of the birth defect and need for surgery was like a giant hood ornament that I had to try to peek around to try to move down the road of my life. It was perhaps a little part of life that dysphoria magnified. (Of boy, I just realized the soft ball I have thrown up to the jokers.) It was a big change for me and I am extremely grateful to be able to have things made right. Yesterday afternoon was proof that the dysphoria, although lessened a lot, is not gone all the way. (My intention here is to report my experience even if I sound like a spoiled brat.) I was very tired to start, but we decided to get out, be with people. My partner and I started into a very honest, personal conversation related to the trans issue. It left us both in tears, but was not argumentative, just very emotional. I got very reflective of how much being trans has made things that most people find simple, so damned complicated. It has been a difficult thing for me to deal with in my life, but when I saw the pain it causes my loved ones, I ended up with the feeling of hating the fact that I am trans. It is not a feeling I have that often now, I usually just know and accept that that is me. So, we went shopping anyway. I need to find a cot to dilate at work and get some work clothes. When I was changing, I got a look at the top of my head and how thin it is, and along with everything else, it kicked in the dysphoria again. I mean after a good night sleep, I feel good today. I don't feel the crazy urgency like for the GCS, but I realize I will still have a bit of dysphoria pushing me to get some things done. Like you experienced Rachel, when you were told you needed to live life and not concentrate on surgeries, it is easy for an outsider to make that comment. They don't live our life. If I have the ability, I will make an effort to eliminate some things that bother me. I will know when to stop. Having the GCS has made it so much better for my self image. It didn't cure my presentation issues, but it makes it easier to live happier.
Moni

[Laurie]

 Hey you, Myna? Myrna? Maona Loa?

  I  heard you had a problem with a particular hood ornament that used to be quite ummm large (snicker snicker). Can I take a look?  Oh WOW your ornament now has a hood of it's own and it's such a tiny thing...


Hugs,
   Laurie

[jentay1367]

I'm hoping the Surgery takes away that niggling bitch in my mind that rears her ugly head and calls me a fraud.  Intellectually,  I know it's simply not true.  But she is there and sneaking about and comes at the most inopportune of times. I guess I will equate the sugery to "slaying the dragon". I'm very much looking forward to the validation it will provide and it's so good to have all the successful women chime in your thread to share what it's meant for them. Sometimes this site and you guys help stoke my passion to rekindle the fire that I felt when I just began this journey. Reading anecdotes about the real life value something like this brings is such a wonderful resource to have and revisit. Thanks to all who have shared. It's very helpful.

[Rachel]

When I had my BA check up with Dr. McGinn she said to me I am still in transition, I am. GCS eliminated my genital dysphoria but not all my dysphoria was genital dysphoria. I have hair, voice and body dysphoria too. There is only so much I can have corrected with a knife and a saw. At some point I need to live my life as Dr. McGinn and Chrystal said. I am not at that point. Instead, I am looking for alternatives. Lower cost electrolysis, FFS and body fat contouring. I look at the money I spent for FFS and wish I had done it in an Asian country for  fraction of the cost. Not to save money but to get more done.

Do I need to stand back and get perspective or am I finally just accepting I am all in. Where is the law of diminishing return.

Monica, I have caused a heavy toll on my family emotionally. Something I can not just pretend did not happen. I have been through a lot of physical and emotional pain too. There are a lot of things I do not know but one thing I do know is that I do not want to be defined by the number of procedures or the never ending pursuit of perfection. Two questions, could I live with the current rendition? Perhaps. Am I on the verge of crossing a line? Perhaps.

[HappyMoni]

    When I post I hope it has some sort of meaning to someone in some way. I try to give not only the factual side of an event but the emotions involved also. I have really appreciated the input that so many have offered here. Transition is a journey that so many of us share, with all of us at different stages. I have benefited so much from the advice from those who have done this ahead of me. Now,  Jentay, you went and got me all philosophical and stuff. 

   Speaking of the more  experienced out there, I have a few  questions if anyone has any thoughts.

   I wonder if ladies have found it necessary to use the orange dilator or is it common to stop at #3 the green. I was wondering if orange is overkill for most. It looks mighty intimidating.

   I am not sure what to think, so I will throw this out there. I lost probably 10 pounds at surgery time. I have gained it all back. I know I no longer have the testosterone directing fat distribution. My butt seems to have a different, fuller feel to it. I chalk some up to possible swelling still, but it really feels like that is not all of it. I would love to think the weight went to my butt, but don't know if that is logical. I know I didn't go to the boobs or stomach.

   One last one! I am on lower level estrogen something like 2/3 of before surgery. I was off E for 4 weeks for surgery(2 weeks before and after). I seem to be experiencing things I didn't expect with having no T any more. I have faster beard growth (what is left of it), I seem to have guy underarm smell which hasn't gone away with reintroduction of E, and my hair seems a little oilier quicker. I don't know if this is caused by no spiro or what. Anyone experience any of this?

Moni

[SadieBlake]

I experienced a big increase in body odor up to about week 7. It felt decidedly like my old masculine scent that had gone away with HRT. Once I got past the difficult parts of healing my scent returned to its more feminine place and has stayed there.

P.s.
Happily all of my clothing was selected for having room to move freely. HRT has made my butt bigger however everything still fits and my waist is somewhat smaller than before.

[HappyMoni]

Rachel,
   I don't think either of us should be ashamed of what we had to do to be ourselves.  I don't think either of us is a surgery addict. As for your family, I seem to remember a price that you paid from them for there non acceptance. That is on them. Non acceptance is a choice they made, not you.
Moni

[Rachel]

I was on spiro up to 2 days before GCS. My T was not detectable for a long time prior to GCS so T was not an issue. I could not shower until I had my packing out so it was a week of being self conscious about odor. My hair was not oily after GCS.

I felt my emotions return when I went back on E. It took a few weeks to get back to "normal".  I am on a strong transition dose of E injectable.

At some point after GCS Dr. McGinn prescribed T and I used 1/2 dose. I had a blood test and was at 80 ng/dl and my PAC and I agreed the mental anguish and higher than 30 ng/dl Dr. McGinn was aiming for meant not using T. I reviewed it with Dr. McGinn at one of my check-ups. She talked about libido, bones and orgasm and I discussed loss of hair and fear of T and that it was on my mind very often in a not good way. I have an appointment in 2 weeks for a blood test and I will see if my T is in the low 20 to 30 ng/dl range. If not I may need T.

I use purple 5 minutes and orange 25 minute. Orange is 1.5 inched diameter and only 1/4 of an inch larger than green. I have an icicle dildo the is a bit larger than orange and I want to use that. I have fear of causing damage but I think it is just fear. I have 2 areas at the bottom on my vagina that had opened up (Dr. McGinn has seen) since early on and they heal and expanded the vagina opening. There are a lot of didoes out there and some are large. I have another GCS procedure in November to close off my bottom below my vagina, the last was to make my clitoral hood, so I want to use the large icicle before the procedure.

There are a lot of sex shops in and around the gayborhood and there are a few lesbian owned ( it really helps to have a transman therapist) and they have some good toys and lube applicators. I feel totally comfortable going over my needs with them and picking out a toy. They really know their product and are very helpful.

[SadieBlake]

I guess I've been using green for 3 weeks now and had a go at orange the other day, it wasn't awful but I don't feel a need to push it too fast. On the other hand green so far really only prepares me for the smallest toys I have.

Wittenberg says to use green for 3 months before stepping up larger and I may start at 2 months. I definitely want to be able able​ to use larger toys so ultimately orange may not be big enough.

Hugs (size queen)

S

[HappyMoni]

Thanks Rachel and Sadie, the reason I asked was that Dr. McGinn made an off hand comment about maybe stopping at Green. I worry about tearing the lower area also. I have gained at least one dot since I got the okay to push harder. Close to last dot now. Also, green now goes in as far as blue did. I didn't have to warm up with blue this morning I just went to green from purple. Blue might have seen  its usefulness end.
One more note. I have been using scar strips on the side scars. The scars look smooth and I noticed they stop any rubbing from pads or panties. It protects them, are easy to clean, and are reusable.
Moni

[jentay1367]

. I have been using scar strips on the side scars. The scars look smooth and I noticed they stop any rubbing from pads or panties. It protects them, are easy to clean, and are reusable.
Moni

Cool....that's awesomely useful info. Thanks, Moni!

[HappyMoni]

Jentay,
  This was the only scar treatment approved by Dr. McGinn. After FFS I was given a pump bottle of Siligen. It is like a cream to spread on the scars. I couldn't tell if it did any good. Then again, that situation was a disaster from day one. The strips are much easier especially for big areas.
Moni

[jentay1367]

Well...it's definitely something I'll use after my surgery. I hadn't even tgought of those. Thanks again!

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, are the scar strips the silicone strips? Dr. McGinn recommends them. Do you know it they work on hyper-pigmentation? My scars that are about a foot each in my leg crease are hyper pigmented. It could be looked at as a directional arrow   .

If you use the orange dilator, go slow and be patient. Use enough lube when breaking it in.

I am at the second to last dot. I measure it as the point where there is a dry spot which lands on the second to last dot. How do you measure depth?

[HappyMoni]

Hi Monica, are the scar strips the silicone strips? Dr. McGinn recommends them. Do you know it they work on hyper-pigmentation? My scars that are about a foot each in my leg crease are hyper pigmented. It could be looked at as a directional arrow   .

If you use the orange dilator, go slow and be patient. Use enough lube when breaking it in.

I am at the second to last dot. I measure it as the point where there is a dry spot which lands on the second to last dot. How do you measure depth?

Hi Rachel,
   Yes, they are the silicone strips. I don't know about the hyper pigmentation as you call it. I have used the topical Arnica on some of my FFS scarring and it seemed to help lighten. I haven't tried that in the lower area scars as I am still under her supervision. I see her Wednesday. (Hope to visit Terri after)
   I measure using the mirror to look straight down. I figure if I see a dot it is outside, don't see it it is inside. I am a dot different from purple to blue. I do think the more force has gained some depth. I take my time with green as I am sure I will with orange.
Moni

[V]

   Hi V, we haven't talked for way too long. I hope you are doing well. I agree with you Rachel that the genital dysphoria is gone. The presence of the birth defect and need for surgery was like a giant hood ornament that I had to try to peek around to try to move down the road of my life. It was perhaps a little part of life that dysphoria magnified. (Of boy, I just realized the soft ball I have thrown up to the jokers.) It was a big change for me and I am extremely grateful to be able to have things made right. Yesterday afternoon was proof that the dysphoria, although lessened a lot, is not gone all the way. (My intention here is to report my experience even if I sound like a spoiled brat.) I was very tired to start, but we decided to get out, be with people. My partner and I started into a very honest, personal conversation related to the trans issue. It left us both in tears, but was not argumentative, just very emotional. I got very reflective of how much being trans has made things that most people find simple, so damned complicated. It has been a difficult thing for me to deal with in my life, but when I saw the pain it causes my loved ones, I ended up with the feeling of hating the fact that I am trans. It is not a feeling I have that often now, I usually just know and accept that that is me. So, we went shopping anyway. I need to find a cot to dilate at work and get some work clothes. When I was changing, I got a look at the top of my head and how thin it is, and along with everything else, it kicked in the dysphoria again. I mean after a good night sleep, I feel good today. I don't feel the crazy urgency like for the GCS, but I realize I will still have a bit of dysphoria pushing me to get some things done. Like you experienced Rachel, when you were told you needed to live life and not concentrate on surgeries, it is easy for an outsider to make that comment. They don't live our life. If I have the ability, I will make an effort to eliminate some things that bother me. I will know when to stop. Having the GCS has made it so much better for my self image. It didn't cure my presentation issues, but it makes it easier to live happier.
Moni

Hi Moni,

Glad to read that things are progressing well for you. I'm so happy for you!
I'm OK, just twiddling my thumbs waiting for my upcoming FFS.
Watching the £ collapse against the Euro and seeing the cost of my surgery go up every day 
Being trans sure does make some things more complicated, things that cis-folk take for granted.
I have exactly the same experience as you when I go to clothes shops and use the changing rooms. The myriad of mirrors in the rooms allow views of my body from a variety of angles that simply aren't available at home with a standard dress mirror. And of course I can see my head from behind and at 3/4 view, and see the thinning hair in all it's awful state. So I know what you mean about that.
I am not sure that even with multiple hair transplant sessions, it would get to a point that I could be happy with it.
I often wonder if there is a point that Gender Dysphoria can give way to Body Dysphoria? I am having FFS in a few months time, which will include some more hair transplant work, but I'm already thinking about whether to plan for further hair transplants, if after further year, the recent ones aren't enough. Then there's the question about whether I can put myself through revision surgery to tackle my failed SRS. I ponder about voice surgery too because my voice isn't the best by a long shot. Plus I could benefit from BA and some fat transfer procedures. And even if I did elect to go through all that lot, there's the chance that I would have to have revision surgery to tweak and correct any issues that may then arise.
But then I still have broad shoulders, narrow hips, pretty awful legs, wide feet, and so on...
Where does one stop?
I try to listen to my boyfriend because he says I don't need to have all these additional surgeries, but he is not trans, so he doesn't have the insight, but he also doesn't have the paranoia that I have either.
There must be a point where it's the right time to stop with the surgeries, and just be happy with what one has.
When you find that point Moni, let me know how to spot it, so I can think about other things instead.

[davina61]

Mini haha I am so glad not to have raving dysphoria , yes I need bottom surgery and breasts and I hope the HRT works a bit on my face, Watching The Heat movie and would prefer to look like Sandra Bullock but TBH would be happy with the Melinda Macarthy . OK so have low expectations and I can feel for you girls with high hopes. Keep up with the good work , sounds like its coming together. 

[HappyMoni]

   Thank you  V, I am not trying to discount your feelings when I say that if I looked like you I would be close to stopping. The GCS revision would be my focus, I imagine. I can't put myself in anyone else's shoes and I won't try to do it for you (as we have discussed before). Being older with thinner hair, I worry about being too thin in the back after they take the donor hair. I have never heard anyone mention this thought.
   It  is a fact that being transgender means making compromises. We were not born with the body matching the brain. I will never look down on whatever someone must do. The steps I have taken already have definitely made me happier. I will do more and find where my livable compromise is at some point.
   Davina, or should I say "Davernia," you too with the names, Hon? Well I am glad you don't have the raving dysphoria. I think that would be quite an advantage. Melissa MaCarthy is kind of cute, not a bad choice. I prefer to think  I have mid, upper level expectations but on a lower scale and in moderation.(Don't ask me to repeat that.)
   I spoke to Maybebaby, Terri a bit ago. Her surgery is tomorrow. She is at that point where she just wants it done. Not sure if she has posted since I think she may have eaten her phone by now. (Two days no food) Anyway Terri, Good Luck, call me when you want and see you Wednesday.
Moni

[jentay1367]

I was going to call Terri and wish her luck,but decided she was probably on her last good nerve...lol. Thought I'd leave it alone touch base with her when she's done.

[HappyMoni]

I was going to call Terri and wish her luck,but decided she was probably on her last good nerve...lol. Thought I'd leave it alone touch base with her when she's done.

J.
I would consider texting and asking if she wants to chat. She told me she was bored. She might like the distraction from things like tomorrow.
Moni