Moni, we have not had the opportunity to bond to date, but I convey my heart felt condolences for your lose. I have followed your process to transform and appreciate it greatly.
I lost my mother back in January. It was a tough and life changing experience. I know you were not there at her passing but I think it affects us all very deeply because it is our mothers. I was my mother primary care giver her last 5 or 10 years. Increasing responsibilities as time went along. Even as I saw her decline, the end was shocking and heart breaking. You can't plan for it. I was very fortunate. My 4 brothers and sister helped the last year. It gave us time to bond again as we helped, in one way or another, our mother get through her last year.
So when the end came there was not issues of sibling rivalry. I hope you don't have those issues. If you do, don't play into it, if at all possible. You are there to mourn her passing. Taking more than a moment to remember the great things she gave you. And share time remembering her with family and friends. She was loved by more than you know.
As to the funeral, it is very personal if not somewhat rote. There are more than anyone wants in the service. Very much based on the planners vision. Unfortunately, my mother never planned or talked about it so that burden was left to us, with a huge variety of of religious views. Everything from fundamentalist Christian to atheist. But as we planned, I kept in mind it was for Mom. It was to be her service for her religious conviction not ours. And the rest of us had to at least give her that. Not our view of the afterlife. I suspect your other family members are making the tough decisions but I hope you at least get to be involved and have opportunity to express an opinion. As you go into the service I hope others give you space to grieve as you need to. I cried. It will be methodical, planned and sanitized for others but it is real for you so do as you need. Everyone will understand.
There are no rule in services. My mother did not have pallbearers. Heck we did not have a burial afterwards. It was a celebration of life. Meeting and talking to all sort of people that thought enough of my mother to see her off at the end.
For several reasons we had to work through the final resting place process. Start with 5 chiefs. Add no direction from Mom. Add a father that died 40 years earlier and was literally shoved into a small burial vault. Add we did not want the routine but something that we could do for them both that would be respectful of what they both gave us and express a small individuality to there final resting place. What 5 kid-adults came up with was a granite bench with room under it to hold not just their co-mingled remains but room for me and my sister easily and as i told my sibs anyone else that will fit. It is a nice classic style but has a loon on its front. Loons are not native to the area. The gravestone designer had trouble with that but got it right finally. And the best thing of all, I can be assured both my mother and father would have protested such extravagance. But they did not help with this, so live with it (so to speak).
Funerals can be tough but please don't get creep-ed out. I understand but it should not. Find much value in your family and her friends and the communal grieving. This process can be good for you in the long run. I hope it is. Very hard but afterwards you will be a better woman for it and get a bit more clarity on many things in life. Past and future and afterlife too. Please go in gently. Know that others are grieving too and stumbling along like you are.
i will stop now. Lots more I could say but this is way too long already.
And if you can't stand the small minded idiots in Atlanta come on down lower to the redneck riviera and we will talk it over. It's only 5 hours drive further.
Love and peace be with you.
Julie
