GCS with McGinn (After so many years waiting)

[steph2.0]

Welcome back, Moni. We all missed you!

Steph

[Laurie]

Welcome back, Moni. We all missed you!

Steph

   I didn't 

[steph2.0]

   I didn't 

Whoa! My standard reply is, "I missed you, but I have another clip." [emoji16]

[JulieOnHerWay]

Welcome back, you.  Laurie has me so confused I don't know what to call you.  Maybe just call you to supper.
A mother passing is tough.  Send my understanding to your bro and sis-in-law.  i have been there and the coming down from the intensity and emotions involved takes some time.  I still have my moments 8 months later.  And its ok for you to have your moments too, whatschaname.
Find your new normal and allow the feeling their time.
One day, one step at a time if needed.
But the bikini every day.
Hugs and kisses
Julie

[Jacqueline]

Welcome back and good luck with first day of classes. That can be exhausting. Try to take it easy.

Warmly,

Jacqui

[HappyMoni]

Welcome back, Moni. We all missed you!

Steph

   I didn't 

Whoa! My standard reply is, "I missed you, but I have another clip." [emoji16]

Wow lots of love with a pinch of hostility, yes, it's nice to be home. lol

Just so you know, I didn't wear my bikini to school today.

I had a number of reactions to me as Moni on my trip. I was worried about being trans in the south. I guess I am passing fairly well (I never know how well.) I was sitting in a Waffle House watching to make sure none of the numerous roof leaks were leaking on my food (It was close.) The place was full of a number of red necked  looking gentlemen and no one gave a thought to me. Same with the other restaurants and gas stations. Big sigh of relief. Family wise, I had a nephew who would not talk to me. I was told, "He wasn't there yet." Well, okay! So, we kept our uncomfortable distance from each other. My brother in law was a pleasant surprise. I got a big hug and he called me, "Sweetie." Later on he referred to me as his sister. He had previously posted some hurtful bathroom related stuff on Facebook. Guess, in his mind, family was more important than the Fox News type attitude in this case. It was weird at the funeral because his family knew me from twenty years ago but didn't recognize me. I just said that I was Monica and left off any explanation. When they figured it out, they were respectful, warm even. Since there were plenty of pictures of me (in male mode) and my brothers and sisters, I just went with the flow, the old, "Joke them if they can't take a ****."
The nephew thing is no where near what others deal with. Even so, it struck me as pathetic that my personal mental turmoil and my solution to it were enough to have someone try to dehumanize me, deeming me unworthy to talk to. To anyone dealing with hostile people in your family, the problem is their foolishness, not yours. Stay strong in who you are.
Moni

[SadieBlake]

Thanks for filling us in Moni! Big hugs :-)

[p]

Glad to hear that the trip went pretty well, although as you note, your nephew's behavior is disturbing. On a recent trip to my hometown in a very rural area, I was surprised that folks really are quite loving and ready to accept trans people, even if they were just spouting off about "men in the women's room" last month. I think that personally knowing someone takes a "political" (more like unfairly politicized, really) issue about strangers off in the city and makes it into a more serious question of "am I really going to cut someone out of my life over their decision to pursue their own happiness?" Thanks so much for sharing your story. Hope you have a great school year!

[Kendra]

Moni I am glad you were able to handle a very difficult time, and now you are back.

Guess, in his mind, family was more important than the Fox News type attitude in this case

I experienced this when I came out to my parents.  Based on our completely opposite political beliefs I had every reason to expect a train wreck when I told my parents their only child is a daughter, not a son.  Since coming out I have received nothing but love, understanding and support.  This sometimes still makes my head spin but I'll gladly accept it.

Just so you know, I didn't wear my bikini to school today.

Awwwww.  Oh well.  There's always New Years. 

[Rachel]

Hi Monica, I am glad you had support (with the exception of one) with that difficult time. I was thinking of you and wondering how everything went. Also, I was wondering how everything worked out at school. I know that had been on your mind too.

[HappyMoni]

Thank you ladies,
   I am thinking about a lot of things right now, trying to wade through a lot of change. I have seen a number of people close to me die in the last few weeks. I was at a funeral 'celebration' last night. I am back to work, but my situation is totally changed. The students I had worked with for so long, kids who I was happy to think I had helped  make real progress, are now with someone else. I step into a new situation with people who have worked together quite a while and I am feeling my way through so as not to step on toes. I am also trying to come to terms with living without my constant companion, my genital dysphoria. I am quite happy to have my surgery done and I am not complaining, but when one is on the pre-surgery side of things, there is such a drive, maybe even an obsession to get things together to get it done. After surgery, for me, it has been so relieving to not have that drive but it is a change not to have that goal. I had my eye surgery and although the big lump of fat is now removed, it is still not looking right. The doctor says it will take time. So, there are a lot of changes. I had wondered about how all this related to me being on this site as well. I think of people desperately wanting the surgery I had. If I continue to update stuff past this point, is there a danger of making anyone feel bad. My intention is not to say, oh look at my result, ain't it wonderful. I guess my original desire was to tell the story of GCS in a way more that just the X's and O's of the facts. I want to say stuff like at the funeral last night, I had my whole neighborhood around me. I was in  a dress. I no longer had thoughts of me hiding anything. I was Monica, deserved to be a girl in my thick head, and now can not imagine myself any other way. That is an incredible difference that having this surgery meant to me. I have mentally turned a corner in my acceptance. This is one possibility of how one can feel after surgery.
   I had a long chat with Laurie about me being on this site from here on. I don't want to be just another one who disappeared, but I want to have a positive effect, not bring anyone down. I, as a transgender person, am sick of being the person always looking to the future for my life. I want to learn how to experience every freaking moment, every 'now.'  I am so tired of all the anxiety that has accompanied coming out, being in public, surgery. I need to figure out a way for the bad stuff to be put in its place and make room for enjoying the good. This is my new goal.
   Oh my gosh, I am so rambling here. Rather than being down, I think I am doing a lot of soul searching. Sorry if this is a bore. Guess I needed to say it.
Moni

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Moni,

You're not a bore, believe me. You are one of the treasures I have found on my journey. If you want indulge in life experiences, maybe you should call your friends more often (hint, hint).

I think you have helped many people on this site with your compassion and nurturing spirit.  You have certainly helped me. I have really been through the wringer mentally since my SRS, and I very much appreciate the support you have given me. I have always looked to you for inspiration.

You and I are so similar sometimes. Just last night I wrote you and said I didn't feel I should be posting on this forum anymore. I did not feel I had anything useful to say.  This is a support site, and I felt there was nothing supportive I could say because I was feeling so lost myself.  That "pre-surgery drive" you talked about had me all amped up. My God, it was all I could think about for weeks. Post-surgery, I was expecting this feeling of wondrous re-birth, or at least relief, and all I got was this depression and disappointment and wondering WTF was wrong with me.

Fortunately, I had a long talk with myself and got things turned around, but I couldn't have done it without the people in my life who care about me and were there for me when I needed them.  That includes you, sweetie. And Jessica Lynne, and Laurie, and Jacqueline, and Rachel, and everyone else who reached out to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

I think I've changed my mind about quitting the forum. I have posted snippets of my SRS experience elsewhere, but probably will not do a comprehensive recounting for several weeks, and only if I can do it in a way that will be helpful to others. I still think I can give something back to the community here that has helped me so much. I hope you will stick around.  The place wouldn't be the same with you.

With kindness,
 
Terri

[Rachel]

Hi Monica,

GCS or FFS is not just about preparing for the procedure and the procedure it is about your thoughts and feelings both before and after the procedures.  You help others posting about your experience going to where you grew up and how you are received. Work and how you are treated pre vs post op. Now and a year from now.

Monica, keeping your sense of humor, sharing your thoughts and hopes and how you deal with disappointment are all lessons in a trans life others will go through. You offer so much and have sooooo much to offer.

I too posted about a point in my life I called an inflection point. I too think why post. What purpose does my posting have. Then a woman PM's me and I realize my venting and request for help has helped someone else.

I too am finding my way just like you and others. There are others on here that read your posts and need to know the whole story about transition, everything, the highs, the lows, the failed procedures and reality not being what we imagined.

You and others that post here help others and give us a taste of reality. Transition has many facets.

Monica, we need you. We need your life lessons to help other woman that walk in your footsteps.

Rachel

[Laurie]

Hi again little Miss tiny butt.

   Yes, as you mentioned you and I have talked some off forum and because of that I'm not going to assail you here. If you do decide to stay with us here I offer as suggestion... As you have stated , you are post-op now. That chapter in your life is coming to a close, just like my road trip came to an end. Both were wonderful chronicles of our journeys. After my return home, I closed that chapter by closing my road trip thread and returning to my regular thread where I record my day to day journey. Perhaps  you too feel a need to close this chapter of your GCS journey and begin another thread for your post op adventures. And yes, Menudie, your new life post op is an adventure. It's an adventure of discovery, discovering who you now are and how you feel as you relearn your new place in life. That feeling of being a woman in a dress finally. Do you, and you too Terri, not think that we here behind you two do not want to share your new struggle and joys? Well, if you two are thinking that, think again. Don't ever think that you two can cut us off and then discard us like you did with the leftover of your Clydes. We denizens of Susan's Place are not the leftover dregs of your life. We are your friends and family.
   Well, I guess I lied. I have assailed you two again with my selfish wish for you both to stay. I'm not going to apologize for it either, so there. I love ya both 
  But do what you decide to do with good conscious. I'll stand by whatever you decide.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Rayna]

Moni, Terri, Rachel and others,

Your successes do not depress me.  I am inspired by what you have been through, and how you changed (and continue to change), and how you move on with your lives.  Your post-op presence and experiences are so valuable to many of us.  I am always happy to see people who are still around after a number of years.  I feel like, even if I never go through GCS (and I'm not likely to), your success, and the failures that you overcome, are part of what pulls many of the rest of us along.  We need those who have been there, not just those who are questioning and striving, needing help.  You may not feel you can help, but often just chiming in with your own experiences is all it takes.  There's real value there.  So I hope you all stick around.

Besides, Moni, its all about self-preservation.  If you went away, who might Laurie turn on next? 

Randy

[JulieOnHerWay]

Monica
Stay

[LizK]

Thank you ladies,
     I had a long chat with Laurie about me being on this site from here on. I don't want to be just another one who disappeared,

Moni...

See there is your problem, talking with Laurie 

I think you need to do what ever is right for you...it is not expected that people will say in a support environment for ever but eventually move on with their lives and seek what I call "normalisation" which is my way of saying that your life has settled into its new rhythm of being who you are meant to be. Some of us strive all our lives to relieve our dysphoria and when we eventually do, we can be at a bit of a loss as to where to go next.

Most of us, I think, just want to be the guy or girl next door that no one notices too much and we get to live out authentic life as who we really are. What ever the outcome I am sure that any insights you have to offer will be greatly appreciated.

[HappyMoni]

Moni, Terri, Rachel and others,

Your successes do not depress me.  I am inspired by what you have been through, and how you changed (and continue to change), and how you move on with your lives.  Your post-op presence and experiences are so valuable to many of us.  I am always happy to see people who are still around after a number of years.  I feel like, even if I never go through GCS (and I'm not likely to), your success, and the failures that you overcome, are part of what pulls many of the rest of us along.  We need those who have been there, not just those who are questioning and striving, needing help.  You may not feel you can help, but often just chiming in with your own experiences is all it takes.  There's real value there.  So I hope you all stick around.

Besides, Moni, its all about self-preservation.  If you went away, who might Laurie turn on next? 

Randy

Thank you Randy, I think I needed to hear this. Now that I think of it, I love to hear from those who have lived their real lives longer than I have. I really just feared hurting someone with success I have been lucky enough to have.

Monica
Stay

Julie, OMG, you get so long winded sometimes! lol Thanks!

See there is your problem, talking with Laurie 

I think you need to do what ever is right for you...it is not expected that people will say in a support environment for ever but eventually move on with their lives and seek what I call "normalisation" which is my way of saying that your life has settled into its new rhythm of being who you are meant to be. Some of us strive all our lives to relieve our dysphoria and when we eventually do, we can be at a bit of a loss as to where to go next.

Most of us, I think, just want to be the guy or girl next door that no one notices too much and we get to live out authentic life as who we really are. What ever the outcome I am sure that any insights you have to offer will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you Liz. I might have to stay just to spite Lorilie. I was feeling the pressure of her boot on my derriere. I really love the people on here, I love the thought of maybe helping someone who is having trouble. I do have to figure out a balance for my life. This really has seemed to pivot around this surgery and how the changes in my head are happening. I talked to a friend whose surgery has not hit home to her yet. For me, this has been a time of taking stock of where I am. It is a life changer, but it is apparent with the help of the feedback on here, that I am not interested in forgetting this group of people who (whom?) I have so much in common with. At the same time, I have to have the discipline to get up and do the things I need to do and try to enjoy each moment.

Moni
Laurie, I don't want to say you are right, (Trust me from the bottom of my heart I don't want that) I will end the thread at some point. The surgery is more than just what physically happens. If I continue for a bit, I will try to make it concern physical or mental updates related to this life event. Oh gosh, I realize I didn't quote you here. It wasn't a slight. I just figured you were out 'assailing' out on the Portland bay somewhere.

[Laurie]

"I might have to stay just to spite Lorilie. I was feeling the pressure of her boot on my derriere."...

"I really love the people on here, I love the thought of maybe helping someone who is having trouble."

"Laurie, I don't want to say you are right, (Trust me from the bottom of my heart I don't want that)" I

Just looking at what you've said, Minahie, it is easy to see what is important.
(I do however really like seeing the last one too.)



Hugs,
   Laurie

[KathyLauren]

I really just feared hurting someone with success I have been lucky enough to have.

Moni, don't ever think that.  While we may sometimes envy those farther along the path than ourselves, your success will never hurt anyone.  Reading about people's success stories inspires us and gives us hope for our own futures.  And advice is always more plausible when it comes from someone with experience.