GCS with McGinn (After so many years waiting)

[Gail20]

Moni.
You have been such a great influence here.  You're an excellent communicator with a lot more to say than just what you've experienced. I can see why you might feel like closing this chapter and moving on but I wold hope that you stay. .  Personally I watch every day to see if you've posted something, new and like you, I'm post-op . . .

[JulieOnHerWay]

Hey, pssst, Hey.  Monica, come over here.  Listen. Don't be a whiny post transgirl.
Listen. You are old enough.  You remember "Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind"?  Yea, I knew it.  Remember how all those people were on the journey to go to the mountain.  Hundreds went.  As time went along they fell off, did not have the deep desire to go any further.  Then in the helicopter, the old guy told Richard Dreyfus to go.  It was alright and that the ones left behind were happy for him.  Go to the spaceship.  Don't look back.  Everyone was cheering for him to succeed.  They were living their vision through his going. 
Girl, you were on the spaceship.  Each one of us was cheering and hoping for that day to be yours.  And now it is.  For you.  Maybe for others, soon.  But regardless, we cheer you.
But cuz you got the ring does not mean you can drop off so fast.  Your time at Susan's is not done.  You have lots to offer  So much RLE.  So much to advise us noobs.  Good, bad.  Go, don't go.  Go over there.  And your fashion sense() is to still be seen. So you ain't done and we ain't done with you.

[HappyMoni]

Well Julie, you have to give me a little room to be weird and whine, I don't do it every day. Well, ... I don't do it every hour.... eh!  You get the idea! If I have it right you want me steal Richard Dreyfus' helicopter and do a remake of 2001 Space Odyssey. Close? I kinda thought I encountered what you said the 3rd time I thought it out! 

So let me explain why I feared hurting others and then I will drop it forever. There are people who have had the surgery who have different reactions based on their experience. Some are disappointed, some have long complications and long recovery, some wish they didn't do it. Many never get the chance to have it. Others see it change their life in a wonderful way. For me, I watched others get the surgery while I waited. At times I had to stop reading about it because it was driving me crazy. I was dysphoric, jealous, miserable with not being sure the surgery would happen. I experienced what I'm sure others are experiencing now. I then had the surgery. Maybe it was because my dysphoria was so bad or I was confident with my surgeon, but I had no fear going in. My reaction after surgery, yeah, I am one of those who say it is life changing. I love it, want to show it on every street corner (mostly exaggerating here, just at Times Square).  I have this thing that makes me just break out in a smile from time to time each day. So, people tell me my success will not hurt anyone, I will take them at their word. In my mind, the thing I just did, dancing in the end zone is low class. I won't do it again. I only did it to explain why I was cautious of other's feelings. If I am to be of any use to anyone on this site, I have to respect people's feelings who might be struggling like I struggled. That's it in a long winded nut shell.

You are right Hon, we are not done with each other. 
Moni
Hold your tongue Laurie.

[SadieBlake]

Thank you ladies,
   I am thinking about a lot of things right now, trying to wade through a lot of change. I have seen a number of people close to me die in the last few weeks. I was at a funeral 'celebration' last night. I am back to work, but my situation is totally changed. The students I had worked with for so long, kids who I was happy to think I had helped  make real progress, are now with someone else. I step into a new situation with people who have worked together quite a while and I am feeling my way through so as not to step on toes. I am also trying to come to terms with living without my constant companion, my genital dysphoria. I am quite happy to have my surgery done and I am not complaining, but when one is on the pre-surgery side of things, there is such a drive, maybe even an obsession to get things together to get it done. After surgery, for me, it has been so relieving to not have that drive but it is a change not to have that goal.
...
I was in  a dress. I no longer had thoughts of me hiding anything. I was Monica, deserved to be a girl in my thick head, and now can not imagine myself any other way. That is an incredible difference that having this surgery meant to me. I have mentally turned a corner in my acceptance. This is one possibility of how one can feel after surgery.

Yes and for me this is exactly the key to living more in the now. Dysphoria has been the biggest thing keeping me from being here in the now

I want to learn how to experience every freaking moment, every 'now.'  I am so tired of all the anxiety that has accompanied coming out, being in public, surgery. I need to figure out a way for the bad stuff to be put in its place and make room for enjoying the good. This is my new goal.
   Oh my gosh, I am so rambling here. Rather than being down, I think I am doing a lot of soul searching. Sorry if this is a bore. Guess I needed to say it.
Moni

That's not rambling hon, you're really in the weeds here and I feel for ya.

About the deaths and the changes at work. My big shift in work, which came along with a lot of stress and some conflict in two different departments / directions came right as I was making my decisions for GCS. It was an awfully difficult time, I have to say not the first time the universe has decided it was time to pile complexity on complexity.

I have no doubt you'll weather it :-) as to appearance and function, my new girl bits are clearly still coming into their own, sensation is better but the left side still has a lot of pain to the touch and I definitely get small amounts of bleeding when I'm doing sexual penetration. (For all I know natal females get this too). I've made some good progress on taking girth lately but there's a long way to go there.

Don't stop talking about your journey. Yes when we're in a stuck place with no visible path it's not always easy to hear others success. I was a member of a previous version of Susan's for a bit over a year back in the '99-00 timeframe and stopped coming around when I decided I couldn't transition. I lived my life for another 16 years, femme in private or close friends only and didn't feel the need to return until I had been on HRT for a few months and it was time to figure out how to get to GCS.

Hugs as ever, luv ya girl :-)

[Kendra]

Moni you really are an inspiration. 

At this point in time I am not 100% certain if I'll have GCS in the future, but your experience and observations have certainly influenced me.  Thanks to the information you have provided, whichever way I decide I am more confident I'll be making a good decision.

[Dena]

Moni, by your standard, I should also leave the site. I am here because people in the transition have so many questions and there are few post surgical members here to answer them. Some of the answers I give are unpopular but they are all the truth that I have experienced. The transition is something you shouldn't enter with your eyes closed so I try my best to ensure everybody sees all I can show them.

The transition is wrong for some people and we have a few who have detransitioned on the site. The transition is not all fun and games so you should always be asking "what have I overlooked". It may sound a bit brutal but when people are done needing this site, I want them to go on to live a happy life.

This is why we need more post surgical member on the site. My truth isn't the only  truth so people will benefit from more than one point of view.

[Laurie]

Hold your tongue Laurie.

Whaa what!! Now what did I do? 

[HappyMoni]

Somebody hide Dena's luggage.

Laurie, don't play innocent. I know you too well.

[Jacqueline]

Moni,

You do what you have to and want to. Many of us want you to stay. I assume a lot of people along the way didn't want you to continue.  It's what's right for you...

You have already helped so many here. Downer moments are in everyone's lives and all over the site. It's okay. Additionally, you describe it really well. That helps some of us to focus in on what part of dysphoria or depression or confusion you are experiencing. That makes it real and understandable for us all.

Your thread will live on for years here. It is kind of weird but I remember reading a thread from someone who is rarely on anymore. She made reference to saying hi to some girl she might help in the future. I couldn't help think she was clairvoyant(and no her name was not Claire). It felt weirdly connected. This one will too.

My work is about to suck me in for a few weeks so I will be on less than usual. You have a weird ability to effect all those around you. I have never met you face to face and yet I feel there is a special communications I have with you. Reading the other posts, I am vaguely jealous (not of your surgery-okay, maybe a little) but it is not unique to me. You touch all those who take the time to communicate with you.

I hope you will stay. You seem to say you will. However, don't just do it because you said you would.

More than warmly,

Jacqueline

[JulieOnHerWay]

Moni Phone home.  I could not resist.
Good to hear you know you are valued around here even if you are one of them.  And you will pipe up every once in awhile. Like at least daily.  I know that each of us are on our own personal journey of discovering our true selves.  With each probably finding a satisfactory end result that is personal.  Some may decide that SO accepting CD is enough.  Some happy with low dose.  Some need social transition but that is it.  Some need to go the distance and join you in full transition.
And each of us have good days of little dysphoria or social pressures.  And we all have our bad days.  And if I end somewhere other than full transition than it is my life, my decision, my truth. 

While, i really appreciate your concern for others feeling, your wisdom (Laurie, you better not) is a different view. Not better or worse and is probably based on RLE.  I understand your stop reading posts due to emotional responses.  I have too and sometime just because it was, hmm that info is not for me.  But not once have I thought that the poster was wrong or hurting my feeling on purpose.  Even if it was posted by Laurie's evil twin. 
Anyway when are we getting a better pic.
Julie
NOW LAURIE NOW!!!

[Laurie]

NOW LAURIE NOW!!!

Sorry Julie.  I had my say here and elsewhere. Monica knows how I feel about this recent subject. I need not give it voice again here. Moni will make her decision, if she hasn't already done so, and I will respect and abide by it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

PS. Then I'll hunt her down IRL.

Love ya Moni.

[RachelH]

Reading the last couple of pages, a certain Jackson Brown song popped in my head! 

On a seriuos note, like so many each journey is our own and the encounters we have help shape who we are. The influences, be them short or long, have an impact on all around us regardless of if we realize it or not. Moni, I am confident that you will do what you think is right for you and know you have our full support!!  My life is richer having knowing you here! 
Paula

[Kendra]

If Laurie switches her classy and beautiful avatar photo with camoflauge clothing I suggest go find your running shoes. 

[Marcieelizabeth]

Moni -

You know how I feel about our relationship and I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE IF YOU WERE NOT ON THIS PLACE WHEN I CRIED OUT! I would certainly be less confident, less aware of the possibilities I would have cried a lot more, and not slept well many more nights!. All because you reached out when i asked.   Stay, but maybe your role will be a bit different?! 

Love ya! Hugs and kisses Marcie!

[HappyMoni]

Moni -

You know how I feel about our relationship and I DO NOT KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE IF YOU WERE NOT ON THIS PLACE WHEN I CRIED OUT! I would certainly be less confident, less aware of the possibilities I would have cried a lot more, and not slept well many more nights!. All because you reached out when i asked.   Stay, but maybe your role will be a bit different?! 

Love ya! Hugs and kisses Marcie!

A new role...hmmm. Yeah, I see a grain of inspiration here. I mean, there is a prerequisite for an unofficial position on Susan's. Maybe I could be the 'unofficial Lauretta badgerer.' I could go behind her when she welcomes new people and change the furniture around, short sheet a bed or two. I could call her and ask if her refrigerator is running, ask her to go 'snipe hunting.' I think it might be a full time job. Shoot, I remember when her post total was half of mine. Now what is it, like 6 times mine? That woman is busy, dog! I mean it is justifiable badgericide, she keeps threatening to hunt me down. A jury wouldn't convict me. Right?
Wow, my reaction to hearing such nice things for you all is to attack Laurettia! What does that say about me? Yikes!
You all have been wonderfully kind. (Love ya Laurie) I appreciate the kindness and the message. We all are fighting for our sanity with this trans thing. We all have our own paths. Recently I heard from a friend who hasn't felt like all paths are truly respected. It made me wonder about the patterns of talking on here. We do tend to focus on our own way of coping. I hope we all respect each other, especially when we short sheet the beds.
Now Julie, are you tired of my 'loitering outside the motel, hooker look?' I would think of a better picture but my eye is still creeping me out.
Jackson Brown song, Paula?

I sent in some pictures of my surgery site to the doctor today (late). I really noticed the scar tissues (between vagina and clit) growing after coming home from dilating in that dark motel. The hydro-cortisone doesn't seem to be shrinking them. Maybe I am getting to the stage where more of it shows up. I am using orange, which is comfortable most of the time now, so I have been lucky with dilation. My only point that I can see that currently seems not right happens when I stand up. I have symetrical little pockets that hang down that remind me of testicles. Key word is remind. It is not a pleasing look to me. If it stays like this through the six month healing I think I would ask for a little tuck there.
I had gained 8 pounds from my regular 160lbs. Now that I am more active, it is back down a few pounds. Doctor said I was more susceptible to weight gain now.  I think my exercise of choice might be dancing. I think it might help me with being a little more graceful. Just a thought.

Moni

Marcie, fantastic to see you face to face. I owe you a dinner. Love ya!

[Laurie]

Wow!

  She dedicated almost a whole paragraph to me! She does love me!  What does that say about her? It sounds like she's saying "She's Back!!"

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Kendra]

I like Moni's current avatar but I bet her next move is to turn 90 degrees to the left.  And then we can see Moni's back. 

[HappyMoni]

I like Moni's current avatar but I bet her next move is to turn 90 degrees to the left.  And then we can see Moni's back.

Are you giving me the boot  Kendra? Saying I am turning on you. Is there a knife in that back Kendra? Dun dun done... Tune in next week when Kendra pulls out her tiny violin and plays me into the  sunset.  Oh bother!
Moni

[Kendra]

No!  I would never do such a thing.  I promise, from the heart of my bottom.

[HappyMoni]

No!  I would never do such a thing.  I promise, from the heart of my bottom.

Is that like the beat of your 'booty?'