8 years post op, thinking of giving up stealth

[warmbody28]

I'm all for people being open about who they are and life experiences as long as they are ready for it and making the choice themselves. Things have changed so much over the past 20 years and I feel like most of its been for the better. I know once I finished undergraduate school and reached a certain point in my nursing career I started trying to give back to the community a little by not being completely stealth. I don't just tell people but if it comes up I don't mind telling anymore.

[Sophia Sage]

I don't just tell people but if it comes up I don't mind telling anymore.

I like this approach.

Especially in consideration of what it's like when no one asks.

[Ritana]

Actually i was thinking about this the other day. I was with a group of friends who've known me for the last 10 years and who know nothing about my past. We were in a party, and male friends were giving me cheek kisses and friendly hugs. I don't thinK I would get the same treatment if they knew about my past. In their eyes, I would probably just be a mutilated  guy in a dress. Being a cis does give you a form of security and protection against possible discrimination resulting from transphobia (although it does not increase your value as a human being in reality) . It makes your life easier. That's why I am not ready to give up stealth, not yet anyway.

[Michelle_P]

I'm still pre-op (11 weeks, Mr. Limpy.  Make your peace...), but have been full time for a while.  As far as anyone else is concerned, if they ask me, I am a woman.  If they press, they get my "I am a human being" speech, in which they get a pretty good picture of what bigotry really looks like (check the mirror...).

I WILL declare in public that I am a transgender person, particularly when I am making a point in a public forum.  I recently declared on an open mike in front of a couple hundred people that I am a transgender veteran, for example, to remind a congressperson that we exist and are constituents with a support base (an upcoming bill may impact trans folks in military service).

I am definitely not stealth, and am pretty easy to read, but I seek to use that to our mutual advantage.  Around me, every day is the Transgender Day of Visibility.    I do not normally advertise my transgender nature when out in public, and do seek to pass at casual inspection. That's a basic safety issue.

I would love to get FFS someday and have passing privilege.  Being followed around at a mall by a screaming religious fundamentalist is Not Fun.  I'm not there yet, and I may be forced onto a federal government medical program when I turn 65, before I can get to the front of the queue for FFS, which would put insurance coverage at risk and force me to pay the full price.  (Going overseas would be an option then, but that puts me at the back of another queue.  )

Even with full passing privilege, or perhaps even because of full passing privilege, I would still be out for purposes of promoting our need for safety, legal protection, and support against a hostile transphobic culture.  I can't bring myself to consider "I've got mine!  So long!" as a reasonable path for me, personally.  That's just how I am.

[Ritana]

I am so sorry to hear your experience at the.mall. They claim religion is about spreading love,  peace and tolerance. Where ia tolerance?

[Michelle_P]

I am so sorry to hear your experience at the.mall. They claim religion is about spreading love,  peace and tolerance. Where ia tolerance?

Oh, they were pretty much insane.  No internal censors or social behavioral limits, so tolerance isn't a consideration.  This is pretty common with persons engaging in intense substance abuse for long periods of time, and those who have been unable to cope with living in a society.  I'm not being judgemental here, just reflecting on my experience working with the chronic homeless community.  I cook in shelter programs, and pretty much discount the opinions of the folks there on anything other than my cooking.   Homelessness and substance abuse take their toll on the mind.

[Ritana]

Cooking for homeless people and providing help and assistance to the vulnerable is such a remarkable thing to do!

[warmbody28]

Actually i was thinking about this the other day. I was with a group of friends who've known me for the last 10 years and who know nothing about my past. We were in a party, and male friends were giving me cheek kisses and friendly hugs. I don't thinK I would get the same treatment if they knew about my past. In their eyes, I would probably just be a mutilated  guy in a dress. Being a cis does give you a form of security and protection against possible discrimination resulting from transphobia (although it does not increase your value as a human being in reality) . It makes your life easier. That's why I am not ready to give up stealth, not yet anyway.

I have to say you are correct. The more people who know the more things change in their views of you. I remember when I was in high school and even when I first started university even know I had finished transition I was still considered a pariah. It sucked because guys who like you can become scared to be seen with you in public but it really just depends on where you stay and also your looks.

[TinaVane]

Sounds wise. Dunno, call me weird, but I wouldn't want to take the burden of anxiety for life due to living stealth. If you're able to live without anxiety, sounds good, but if you're suffering... doesn't look like a good idea.

And I know some girls will throw at me things like "but you say that because you're unable to pass", "you look trans", etc. Even if passable 1000000% in any kind of situation, I wouldn't take the anxiety, no thanks.

The gag is you are beyond passable ... so if somebody ever tell you otherwise they are just straight up hating

[Mariah]

Totally agree. I can't and deny my past and the fact that I was born intersex. Doctors knew long before I said anything and even before transition considering all the surgeries that occurred before I was even school age. Now days I go through with if people don't ask about my past, then I don't tell them about it. It rarely ever comes up. Fact is I'm happy being me and not trying to hide anything. The idea of being stealth or not was something I through around, but decided against hiding entirely considering it would cause more grief. Of the two people I seriously dated I told both of them so as to not hide anything from them after all a good foundation to any relationship is rust especially if your going to marry them eventually. You and you alone can make this choice, but I recommend you follow your heart and go with what feels right to you because fighting against that will cause your grief and pain. Hugs
Mariah

Yes, deep down I do believe I am trans. All of us here are. Trying to fool myself into believing I am cis is a blatant lie. That is a fact. I consider myself to be a female, but NOT a cis-female. I.suppose I could convince myself I am a cis-female but a simple visit to the doctor would prove the opposite. Very simple:))

[TinaVane]

Hi everyone!

First, I don't want this topic to be a conflict around stealth vs no- stealth. I am going through a difficult period, and Just want to talk about it and possibly get your different insights into the situation.

I am 30 years old this year, and I'm 8 years post op, Since the begining of my transition, and up till now now, I have always lived a stealth lifestyle, with the exception of the first year shen I wasn't fully passable.



Over the last couple of years, I have been feeling the weight of the pressure caused by living stealth. I have had a few boyfriends who didn't know anything about my past. One of them however did have doubts as he noticed the discreet and almost invisible v shaped scars on my vagina, but I was very  quick to dismiss his concerns when he asked me.


For the last 11 years, I've had numerous surgeries to look and sound as passable as possible. These include ffs, srs, fat transfer to hips and bum, 2 ba's and vfs. I rarely wear heels, and I akways keep my make-up to a minimum to avoid the ->-bleeped-<- look... anyway, that's to say, I have done everything possible to live as a regular, normal ciswoman.



Not.sure if it's because of the fact that I I am getting wiser, but lately I have come to the conclusion that throughout our transitiong, many of us develop a form of transphobia, generated by the hostility and stigma attached to being transgender by society. I remember feeling happy,  positive and somewhat proud of being  a transexual at the very beginning of my transition. Sadly, my vision has since  changed and I have become an internalised transphobe if this makes sense??? I created a world for myself, which is 100 percent trans-free, with the exception of my orange dialator which I keep in a secret cupboard for my monthly use.

The question asked by my last partner regarding my trans status caused me a lot grief and anxiety. It made me realise that after all, I am still a post-op transgender woman, and that I have created another closet world for myself in which I am leading a secret life that is putting me a lot of pressure, which in turn is causing me to lead an anxious  and unfulfilled life.

I am thinking of giving up some aspects of my stealth lifestyle, especially with prospective partners and in some other social situation. In other words, I am have not thinking of coming out to everyone, but simply be somewhat less ashamed of who I really am if this makes sense.

I have come to the conclusion that unless you really love yourself and are proud of and at peace with who you really are, you will never be truly happy.

What are your thoughts on this?

Many thanks in advance!

Ritana

I think he went there because he wanted you to be honest to him bout it ... He probably knew and that is why he mentioned it ...
and if that is your pic ... good gawd you're gorgeous

[Ritana]

Yes that's my pic, thanks for the compliment.

I have never been clocked. I've had several boyfriends I lived with, shared holidays with, taken showers with. No one questioned my gender. I have also worked as a cisfemale escort and did a couple of adult sex films as a cisfemsle in the past. No one knew about me being trans except the producer.  With my last bf, he had a big fetish about performing oral sex. He could just be happy and content with that. He liked to lick for hours .and hours. In his words, he is "ultimate vagina expert"'

Unfortunately, we live in 2017... V sbaped.scars -although subtle- on a vajina can trigger the trans alarm.

[Lady Lisandra]

I don't think I ever considered stealth for the same reason I nevered considered breastforms, hip filling, wigs.... I'd like to be myself now. I'm a trans, I'd never say I'm a cis girl because I don't feel like one and I won't pretend I do no matter how much I wish I had been born female. I even have troubles calling myself a lesbian. I avoid that term.

Even though I'm proud of bring trans, if they don't ask, I don't tell. It's not the most important thing about me, so I don't say that part as soon as I meet someone new. Some of my classmates still treat me as a male. But if you ask, you need to know, or I get to trust you, I have no problem with saying it. I make a lot of jokes about it with my friends...

In my opinion, there are some people that deserve to know. i'm no talking about a one-night-stand, but if you meet a guy and you start to imagine a life together, he deserves to know. I'd like him to know, so he can accept me for who I really am or go away.

[OU812]

I'm effectively fully stealth. The very few people I interact with who have knowledge (parents, doctors) have no ability to project that knowledge onto my livelihood. It's not something I talk about. I interact with nobody I grew up knowing.

You get to pick the sacrifice you make - that's all. You don't get to not make one. You're sacrificial whether you want to be or not. I'm young enough to let that sacrifice simply be the course I have to take for my life. I don't get the normal life of giving birth to a family that will endure beyond me on this planet. I have to make my impact some other way, and that is an enormous burden. It's not the choice I would've made. But I have to frame it into a stealth identity.

And I have to have a story I can relate about myself - for this I like to work with understanding when the truth you're actually telling someone may not be the truth they think they hear, by which it will do you justice. That's called magic. It makes people your allies instead of pushing them away. There's nothing amoral about doing yourself justice after being burdened with gender dysphoria for some fraction of your lifetime.

My heart goes out to those who cannot stealth and want to - or who transition in school or other situations where it's just impossible to do so - because I think at our core, it's what most women want. There's an underlying desire to just live your life and not be constantly in this 'other' category based on your natal reproductive assignment. Society has not really changed on a lot of very deep issues like race. I don't think you can really expect to change how people will treat you or anybody else.

There are people who truly want to be different, especially who identify more with the queer movement, but that has it own sacrifices. I tried making friends with queer groups in the past and recently, and for me it's truly a core difference of just not identifying with the queer mentality at all. Unless your goal is to be a loud & proud, visible activist promoting trans rights, I really don't see the point in intentionally breaking stealth, even with those who would be sympathetic.

I think if you conceptualize yourself as an ordinary female and have the means to make such an existence happen for yourself, stick with it. It's truly not a 'phobia' to want to be yourself, when that will is guided by a higher vision for what it means to be female: 'truly liberated' from what is nothing more than an ameliorated biological matter.

[SadieBlake]

My heart goes out to those who cannot stealth and want to - or who transition in school or other situations where it's just impossible to do so - because I think at our core, it's what most women want. There's an underlying desire to just live your life and not be constantly in this 'other' category based on your natal reproductive assignment. Society has not really changed on a lot of very deep issues like race. I don't think you can really expect to change how people will treat you or anybody else.

There are people who truly want to be different, especially who identify more with the queer movement, but that has it own sacrifices. I tried making friends with queer groups in the past and recently, and for me it's truly a core difference of just not identifying with the queer mentality at all. Unless your goal is to be a loud & proud, visible activist promoting trans rights, I really don't see the point in intentionally breaking stealth, even with those who would be sympathetic.

Thank you, I am so glad for those women who have the option to be stealth and always remembwer that that's not a guarantee of happiness. Much as I surely envy those who make that transition, as you say, either path has its sacrifices.

For me I don't think loud and proud exactly fits, here's what I'm conscious of in identifying with the lgbt communities. They are home and family to me. They are the people who first accepted me for me where my biological family has at best largely misunderstood the core things that make me who I am and at worst have vilified me and mine in their ignorance.

I happen to work in one of the more visible programs at my university and one aspect of being non-passing is that that makes me visible. It's not a situation I would choose and yet I feel glad to be so visibly trans. It means a lot of people who might think they don't (didn't) know any trans people know a little more about this reality.

[Sophia Sage]

You get to pick the sacrifice you make - that's all. You don't get to not make one. You're sacrificial whether you want to be or not...

There are people who truly want to be different, especially who identify more with the queer movement, but that has it own sacrifices. I tried making friends with queer groups in the past and recently, and for me it's truly a core difference of just not identifying with the queer mentality at all. Unless your goal is to be a loud & proud, visible activist promoting trans rights, I really don't see the point in intentionally breaking stealth, even with those who would be sympathetic.

I think if you conceptualize yourself as an ordinary female and have the means to make such an existence happen for yourself, stick with it. It's truly not a 'phobia' to want to be yourself, when that will is guided by a higher vision for what it means to be female: 'truly liberated' from what is nothing more than an ameliorated biological matter.

Wise words.

Yes, not everyone gets to choose which sacrifice to make.  For those of us who do have a choice, though, I think it has to come down to one's personal truth about who you really are.  And that answer can only come from within.

[Denise]

Ritana, have you considered going to a group transgender meeting?  Just listen if you want but hear what people are going through.  It will remind you of why you went stealth in the first place.

We tend to forget some of the subtle issues we had but they help form who we are.  Understanding yourself a little better might help you to decide.

Good luck in whatever you decide.  And I agree, you're picture, you're lovely.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[Ritana]

Ritana, have you considered going to a group transgender meeting?  Just listen if you want but hear what people are going through.  It will remind you of why you went stealth in the first place.

We tend to forget some of the subtle issues we had but they help form who we are.  Understanding yourself a little better might help you to decide.

Good luck in whatever you decide.  And I agree, you're picture, you're lovely.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

Very true. I recently had a taste of that when i i disclosed to a doctor. I hadthe shock of my life!

Never again!!

[Karen_A]

in general, at least in the big cities on the coasts, I would think the penalty for being "out" is a lot less then it used to be.

For myself while in an ideal world I would love to be stealth, I have both physical issues that make highly improbable in this T* aware age, and spouse of 30 years from 'before' that stayed with me , loves me and needs me, and who I care about deeply.

I always wanted to be stealth (who goes into this NOT wanting that?) and still do, but to do that I would have to pass better than I can (I have had FFS with good results), as well as ditch my spouse, which I  could not do and live with myself.

I know the desire to just be a normal woman socially will never go away, and sometimes how things wound up gets me depressed... but we all have to deal the hand we have been dealt as best we can.

I went full time 20 years ago this month, SRS 19 years ago and FFS 18 years ago.

Live goes on.

- Karen