I totally understand what you are feeling because I have always felt the same way. I can't be pretty, so even though I do pass about 75% of the time, I look at myself and see an endless list of masculine flaws: low hair count, big forehead, partially developed facial hair, pointy jawbone, wide shoulders, fat and bloated abdomen, narrow hips, general lack of figure, shapeless legs, big calf muscles, and huge hands and feet. I look at all of that ugliness, and wonder, how am I possibly passing when not a single part of me is normal for a woman? I guess there are a lot of ugly women out there, and certainly I have seen cis women uglier than me. I could probably live with it if it were genetic, but it is not. It is MY fault. I actually had good genetics. My mother and sister have exaggerated feminine features. I was an exceptionally (almost abnormally) effeminate "male" up to age 23; if I had transitioned back then while my body was still capable of changing (and I almost did do precisely that), I would have had the pretty face, gorgeous hair, and feminine figure I so desperately wanted. But, I came up with such an endless list of excuses that I could not even consider transitioning, and in the intervening 5 years before my transition I became so ugly and masculinized that I could never be pretty anymore, despite considerable feminization from hormonal changes. Every week, I cry multiple times over how I failed to express myself when I was younger and therefore ended up as this ugly monster. While I do pass about 75% of the time, the other 25% of the time women are terrified of me and men laugh at me. What could have been the pretty girl of the family is now a laughing stock and a terror. And plastic surgery is no cure, either. I have never seen a trans woman with hip reconstruction, and FFS permanently damages facial muscles and would take away my emotional expression.
So I feel your pain because I am feeling the same pain myself.
