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Why can't I be beautiful too?

Started by Jennifer RachaelAnn, June 11, 2017, 10:53:34 PM

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Jennifer RachaelAnn

Sometimes it's just not worth it to get out of bed. I get up every day, take my morning meds, and begin my morning ritual. Shave, makeup, hair, outfit, etc. I spend a good amount of time on the comp and in front of the TV. And when I come across something concerning the transgender community, I stop for a look. The thing that bugs me is the other trans women I see. So many of them are absolutely gorgeous. They pass so well, you would think they are cis women, and supermodels to boot. Then I see myself in the mirror. I'm HIDEOUS. I can't stand being around mirrors, unless I have no choice, anymore. If I can see my reflection, I tuck tail and run. That's the main reason I never have, and never will. post an actual pic of myself. It's not worth it to hear false hope, and empty encouragement, from others. If you saw me, you would agree 100% with what I'm saying. As a man, I was fairly cute. I got told that a lot. As a woman, I've made animals run in terror. I am more comfortable in my own skin, since going full time, I'm just not attractive in the least. As a result, I go off the deep end with jealousy fairly frequently.
"There are many who would take my time. I shun them.
There are some who share my time. I am entertained by them.
There are precious few who contribute to my time. I cherish them."


-Anton Szandor LaVey



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TinaVane

Every cis woman (or male ) is beautiful dear ... and not every cis woman need to be beautiful. Don't infringe ones misogynistic undertones as your what a woman should be. It comes across as oversexed dolls


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C'est Si Bon
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CarlyMcx

Even porn stars don't look like much without their makeup on.

My other thought is that even if I had been born cis female, I would have been kind of plain looking.  It would have taken a lot of plastic surgery to bring me anywhere close to being able to enter a beauty contest.

But this one thing is true:  From the time I first realized what I was, I had to wait nearly fifty years to transition.  Every time I see the girl in the mirror, she brings an instant smile to my face.  I even get the giggles sometimes over how wonderful it is just to be me. I don't need to be a beauty queen.  I just need to be me.
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Rayna

Don't look at pictures online, instead get out and see real people. Few people I see are "gorgeous." Most have physical "defects" like overweight, underweight, disproportionate faces or limbs, weird fashion choices, etc. Not to malign anybody, I'm among these. I just mean hardly anybody in real life matches those models in photos. And further, even most of those beautiful people in published photos won't look like that in real life.

That stuff is unreal, and few of us will ever match that. Instead we all have a beauty of our own, most of which comes out in conversation and other interactions. We are also our own harshest critics.

Give yourself a break. Learn to love yourself more. Get out and enjoy what life has to offer.
Randy

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If so, then why not?
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Harley Quinn

Quote from: Jennifer RachaelAnn on June 11, 2017, 10:53:34 PM
Sometimes it's just not worth it to get out of bed. I get up every day, take my morning meds, and begin my morning ritual. Shave, makeup, hair, outfit, etc. I spend a good amount of time on the comp and in front of the TV. And when I come across something concerning the transgender community, I stop for a look. The thing that bugs me is the other trans women I see. So many of them are absolutely gorgeous. They pass so well, you would think they are cis women, and supermodels to boot. Then I see myself in the mirror. I'm HIDEOUS. I can't stand being around mirrors, unless I have no choice, anymore. If I can see my reflection, I tuck tail and run. That's the main reason I never have, and never will. post an actual pic of myself. It's not worth it to hear false hope, and empty encouragement, from others. If you saw me, you would agree 100% with what I'm saying. As a man, I was fairly cute. I got told that a lot. As a woman, I've made animals run in terror. I am more comfortable in my own skin, since going full time, I'm just not attractive in the least. As a result, I go off the deep end with jealousy fairly frequently.
Don't get so down on yourself. Nothing happens without practice and patience... I have been told more often than I can count that the most attractive women have stronger masculine features. Something that may help you is picking out one or 2 of your favorite physical attributes, and highlight those when dressing, doing your hair, and makeup.  Some things you just need to learn to love. I hate my now curly hair... it's taken me a lot of time to learn to accept it.  I love my lips... I accentuate them the most to draw attention from my eyes, which I always try to cover my scarred right eye. I believe that some professional stylist help with clothes and makeup will show you your own natural beauty.

My personal belief is that self confidence brings out our most attractive qualities.  Finding one thing that made me happy with my own body and building on that gave me the spark to show my beauty out in the world.  I truly believe that it will also help you on your path.
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! >:-)
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Julia1996

Hi Jennifer. I know exactly how you feel. I feel like that a lot myself. I started estrogen therapy 2 years ago. My transition is going very well and I pass with no problem. But I also have albinism.  So everything I accomplish is like voided. People have complimented me and at the same breath insulted me. I've had people tell me " you are really pretty. Too bad you don't have normal skin and eyes" or " you would be beautiful if you weren't albino"  I've been stared at and pointed at for my whole life. I have actually scared a small child. Once I was in line at Walmart and this little boy and his mother were behind me. The little boy hid behind his mom and was grabbing her tightly. She asked him what was wrong and he said " that girl is a ghost. Don't let her get me"  Somehow I stupidly thought stuff like that wouldn't happen after I transitioned. I was a very androgynous boy. I thought I would be pretty as girl and people would see that more than that I was albino. Wrong!  Once these 2 guys were at the table next to me at Starbucks. One of them said "she's hot" The other one said " yeah but she's a ##@ albino!" then the other one said "yeah that's a shame" So it doesn't matter how pretty I am. People always will see the albino first. In high school everyone called me a wraith. Some dork told me I looked like a wraith from that stargate TV show and everyone started calling me that. You'd think maybe after dealing with this stuff my whole life it wouldn't bother me anymore. But it does. And yes I get totally jealous of other people. I even get jealous of my older brother cause he has normal coloring. I'm starting college in the fall and I'm not looking forward to that. Yeah everyone is a little older but I don't think it's going to be any different than high school. I am totally sure you aren't hideous. But I'm not gonna tell you to get over it or that you're being like stupid or anything. It doesn't matter what you look like if you feel like you're hideous or a freak it HURTS! And I know exactly how that feels. If this wasnt cyberspace I would give you a hug.
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018
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Katya

I sooo relate to this ... it really nails a major aspect of my dysphoric pain, realizing I can never have that kind of beauty ... nope not in this life [descends into another crying jag].

... but then I talk to my best friend who happens to be a cis-woman and she says...
"Welcome to womanhood.  We all feel that way!"

Suddenly my perspective shifts a bit ... my whole outlook shifted quite a lot when I heard that, actually.

Then I go out to the store or whatever and look around at the real people out there shuffling through their ordinary lives ... and they all look ugly ... everyone ... ugh, because my perception has become terribly skewed by media images.  This is what advertising marketers have done to us all, they have made us feel inadequate so that we will buy whatever they promise will make us wonderful.  The more I look at real people out in the ordinary world around me, and the less i look at images on the internet, the better my perspective heals towards truth.  Then I go out and look around and see all sorts of beauty I had missed before 
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Aurorasky

I don't know how you look so I can't comment on that. What I can say is that it must be very hard to feel like you have been cheated by nature and that everyone's better looking than you. I am not sure this helps, but also remembre we tend to be our own worst critics. You'd be surprised by how many of those naturally gorgeous models feels insecure, self.-conscious and just hyper critical. People in general are never 100% happy with themselves and when it comes to women, there's huge pressure and we end up never feeling good enough, even if you are told by everyone you're hot, pretty, beautiful, whatever. So, do take this into account and try to be kind to yourself. You deserve love and respect. 

Feeling hideous must feel hard, and almost alien-like. Much of what you said actually rubs off to me as possibly Body Dysmorphia. Have you ever considered that? Do you have a therapist you can talk to about these concerns?
Love,

Aurora Beatriz da Fonseca
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Jennifer RachaelAnn

I'm not asking to be the next Cindy Crawford, or anything like that. I just want to be attractive. I know there's surgery out there to help fix this, but I will probably never have the money to do that. I can't afford the loan from the bank, and I don't have anyone who could help me financially. So I have to sit here looking like an alien in a wig. My dog is beautiful. My wife is beautiful. My guitar is beautiful. I am not. And it's crushing me. Every day it feels like another elephant has been added to my shoulders. At this point I want to curl up on the floor, with a bag on my head, and never move from that spot again.
"There are many who would take my time. I shun them.
There are some who share my time. I am entertained by them.
There are precious few who contribute to my time. I cherish them."


-Anton Szandor LaVey



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Harley Quinn

I'm sorry to hear that Jennifer.  I hope you have some good people in your life to let in and help you see your own beauty.  Please don't let it get the better of you.
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! >:-)
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Steph34

I totally understand what you are feeling because I have always felt the same way. I can't be pretty, so even though I do pass about 75% of the time, I look at myself and see an endless list of masculine flaws: low hair count, big forehead, partially developed facial hair, pointy jawbone, wide shoulders, fat and bloated abdomen, narrow hips, general lack of figure, shapeless legs, big calf muscles, and huge hands and feet. I look at all of that ugliness, and wonder, how am I possibly passing when not a single part of me is normal for a woman? I guess there are a lot of ugly women out there, and certainly I have seen cis women uglier than me. I could probably live with it if it were genetic, but it is not. It is MY fault. I actually had good genetics. My mother and sister have exaggerated feminine features. I was an exceptionally (almost abnormally) effeminate "male" up to age 23; if I had transitioned back then while my body was still capable of changing (and I almost did do precisely that), I would have had the pretty face, gorgeous hair, and feminine figure I so desperately wanted. But, I came up with such an endless list of excuses that I could not even consider transitioning, and in the intervening 5 years before my transition I became so ugly and masculinized that I could never be pretty anymore, despite considerable feminization from hormonal changes. Every week, I cry multiple times over how I failed to express myself when I was younger and therefore ended up as this ugly monster. While I do pass about 75% of the time, the other 25% of the time women are terrified of me and men laugh at me. What could have been the pretty girl of the family is now a laughing stock and a terror. And plastic surgery is no cure, either. I have never seen a trans woman with hip reconstruction, and FFS permanently damages facial muscles and would take away my emotional expression.

So I feel your pain because I am feeling the same pain myself.
Accepted i was transgender December 2008
Started HRT Summer 2014
Name Change Winter 2017
Never underestimate the power of estradiol or the people who have it.
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Justarandomname

I'm so sorry to hear that.  May I ask as to why you still look at photos of other trans women?  I think it can get pretty depressing doing that, especially when you're just starting out with HRT.  Besides, those photos are so doctored up with filters, lighting, make up and tons of shots until they find the perfect one to post. 
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kaytigibbs

I would watch all the supermodel looking super young youtube girls and I had to stop. It triggered my dysphoria more.   That's not what people look like be you be happy love yourself.  Those girls have the same exact insecurities.    Trying to be perfect or as close to as you think u can all the time is exhausting.  Screw that and everyone's opinion find you and your inner peace.    You are beautiful.  <3.     We got this

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Dena

Of the people in my life, I can't think of a single one who is physically beautiful. The are beautiful internally and if I had the option of who I would want to hang out with, I would go with the ones who are beautiful internally. Even if we are physically beautiful, that is fleeing. My current avatar is how I looked 35 years ago and while I haven't wrinkled up, I appear older and am less attractive than my avatar. To me, beauty is no where near as important to me as being one with myself. I am no longer depressed about my mind being mismatched with my body and I can enjoy the little things each day. That is what life is really about.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
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Jennifer RachaelAnn

Quote from: Justarandomname on June 13, 2017, 02:41:05 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that.  May I ask as to why you still look at photos of other trans women?  I think it can get pretty depressing doing that, especially when you're just starting out with HRT.  Besides, those photos are so doctored up with filters, lighting, make up and tons of shots until they find the perfect one to post.

I don't know why I still look at photos. Yes I know the "professional" shots are super doctored, but the ones that I usually look at are selfies that girls took of themselves. I don't give the slightest what a fake picture is showing. For the most part. But when I run across another t-girl, whether it's in person or online, I don't stack up. I'm too fat, or I'm not hairless enough, or my masculine feathers far outweigh any feminine I thought I had. The closest thing about me that is any where near feminine is my clothes and makeup. Aside from that I just look like a dude in a dress. A blind man has higher beauty standards than I could meet.
"There are many who would take my time. I shun them.
There are some who share my time. I am entertained by them.
There are precious few who contribute to my time. I cherish them."


-Anton Szandor LaVey



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DawnOday

Unfortunately I was in competition with one of the most beautiful women on the planet (think Donna Douglas / Ellie Mae Clampett) looked like my Sister. I felt so inadequate and I wanted to be like her so much I took up tap dancing, baton twirling, and wearing her costumes. Really odd because I grew up to be such a klutz. At around twelve my body outgrew my coordination. I used to buy Cosmo for my wife so I could have it to read for tips. 
Dawn Oday

It just feels right   :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss:

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First indication I was different- 1956 kindergarten
First crossdress - Asked mother to dress me in sisters costumes  Age 7
First revelation - 1982 to my present wife
First time telling the truth in therapy June 15, 2016
Start HRT Aug 2016
First public appearance 5/15/17



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Julia1996

I'm sure you are being way to critical of yourself. Transwomen are super critical of themselves. I do it all the time. I feel really ugly when I see women with normal skin and eye color. I don't look at pictures or videos of models. And keep in mind that people look different in pictures than real life. Lighting has a lot to do with it. As for selfies you don't know how many pictures a person took before they got that really good one. No one is gonna post a picture that makes them look bad. And also there are photo apps that let you touch up your selfies. Don't get upset over a picture online. You don't know what touch ups even selfies have had. You need to stop stressing yourself out so bad. We all have things we wish we could change. I would love to have normal coloring and be tall with long legs. But neither is going to happen. I'm not going to tell you that doesn't bother me, it does, but you can't dwell on what you can't change too long or it will make you crazy. Not to mention miserable. I hope you feel better and find a little peace soon sweetie.

Hugs
Julia
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018
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Julia1996

Quote from: DawnOday on June 13, 2017, 08:04:15 PM
Unfortunately I was in competition with one of the most beautiful women on the planet (think Donna Douglas / Ellie Mae Clampett) looked like my Sister. I felt so inadequate and I wanted to be like her so much I took up tap dancing, baton twirling, and wearing her costumes. Really odd because I grew up to be such a klutz. At around twelve my body outgrew my coordination. I used to buy Cosmo for my wife so I could have it to read for tips.
Who are Donna Douglas and Elle may clampett? Models or actresses?
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018
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Rayna

Ellie Mae Clampett was the country-beautiful daughter on The Beverly Hillbillies TV show. With one of the Gabor sisters as her mother. Totally fake beauty in my eyes at the time, but for sure the peak of their genre.

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JB_Girl

A couple of thoughts. 

First it takes a few years for the feminizing effects of HRT to work their magic.  You really will be surprised at what the final result is.

Second, to be confident is to be beautiful.  My picture is from Astoria Pride a few days ago.  I had a wonderful time and I rocked it.
The beauty in my smile is from the inside out.  I don't think of myself as particularly pretty, but when I am in the space that I've always dreamed of being I feel beautiful.

Peace,
Julie
I began this journey when I began to think, but it took what it took for me to truly understand the what and the why of authenticity.  I'm grateful to have found a path that works and to live as I have always dreamed.

The dates are unimportant and are quite stale now.  The journey to truth is fresh and never ends.
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