Hey all! I been pondering my life a but lately, and lately my pondering hasnt been too bad. This post is the same as many others where I babble on about how life does get better almost every day, and on the days or 2 it is under weather it is still better then where i was say in January. 2 steps forward after one step back.
I have been thinking about one thing. Like many trans-girls here and anymone AMAB who is on the trans spectrum i have heard it all ''your going to grow up to be a big strong man'' or a ''good man'' as I am sure you have. As I keep on looking back at those moments in childhood and such i find it odd that whole prediciton never happened. I did come out a big strong (self described BBW) woman tho!
I look back at my life. I never really stood up for myself much. When i did when i was young i got in trobule anyway when i did so i learned to just basically take it in and almost pretend it never happened. Almost space out from it. Granted, i wasnt clean myself i will admit i was a bit of a coward too and took my issues out on people i didnt like who were weaker to appease my peers. Still, I was a coward. I would get yelled at attacked, verbally abused by peers, spat on, hit, crude jokes about my family and I wouldnt even say anything back. I would just stand there with a stupid look on my face. So much of a ''stong man''. But as a woman, I am not like that. I wont lie, i cant sit here and blow smoke up your bums and say that transition was the whole reason i changed to be much stronger. It played a factor as in one way as i knew i felt i had a real reason to fight for myself, but i gotta give my ol' male shell credit for saying 'enough is enough''. It was Jan or Feb of the year i came out (2014) where i got fed up with being verbally assulted by people on a basis. These months were a time I knew i was going to transition but i dont think iwas thinking about doing it that very year yet. Still it was hard to finally stand my ground to people when my natural reaction would be to blow it off and take all their crap. I did manage to stand my ground but barley. When coming out as a woman in May of that year I found that though i was getting ever more so assertive i felt a bit vulrable I guess in some ways too. I did manage to stand up for myself to a former abuser for the first time in my life around 2015 (?) so i was getting more stronger...But after trial and error of being trans and still trying to find my back bone and getting screwed by so many people i decided around Dec 2015 i must always be assertive. And, it has worked. I found that with that new attitude and feminizing more i was becoming stronger. Case in point (which i dont recommend ) was in Feb 2016. There was a drunk fight at my job around 2 am or so and my other co-workers were all kinda on edge about it... and they were messing the place up so i kinda slammed them both down and made them leave... Not saying it was wise but i would never even think of that when i was a male, or when there is a mis-communication i now tend to stand up tall and state my case. Not have my tail betwee my legs. Even after my apri 2016- march 2017 breakdown or so i still kinda kept my strength as Ashley when it comes to standing up for myself.
No longer when a car drives by and yells profanity at me or when someone screams non-sense in general do i get startled and walk with my head kinda down. Infact I tend to stand there and look them in the eye (another thing that took a while to get used to) and stand my ground or i even walk up to them in a non aggressive but non passive way and see what the issue is. Most of the time it is all good.. except the cars.. when i walk up to them they drive away :/
I guess I am just so happy about this.. A little self care and being true to yourself takes on a long way from being <dead name> the coward into Ashley the stronger. Now, I still got a long arse road to go with many things but i am better here then i was in 2013
Love ya all <3
