Parental Rejection/Resources

[EnbyGuy]

So...a thing I wasn't particularly worried about happening, happened.  My Dad, historically my favorite parent, took my coming out very, very badly this past Sunday.  Like, compared his feelings about my gender to coming home and finding his wife lobotomized, and blanket refused to use my name and pronouns, ever.  I'm not going to list all that was said, I just can't, but he essentially checked every box for "things not to say to a trans person" shy of actually disowning me.

I don't know if the relationship is salvageable, but I want to try to save at least...something.  He's worked in health and human services, he's a liberal British guy, he has friends of all walks of life, I just don't understand it.  It feels sort of like my idea of who he was died.  I'm heavily grieving the relationship.

He is, at least, the kind of person who will read things if they're sent to him. What kinds of readings would you recommend sending in this situation?  And if that doesn't work, what are some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with what's essentially the loss of a parent?  I don't think I'll be able to call him anymore if we have another conversation like that one.  I told him to take a little breather and I'd call back on Saturday, but I'm panicking about once an hour at the thought.  I don't want to lose my dad.

I hope I posted this in the right spot, apologies if not, I'm a little overwhelmed.  I only had two significant people left to tell, and this was NOT the one I thought was going to be difficult.

Thanks,
Z

[DawnOday]

Check out the wiki's above.
An open letter to the parents of transsexual children No. 2
My son, my daughter
An open letter to parents of transsexual children
Transsexualism - Information for the family
Telling your parents
Telling your parents - Part II
and More...

Find a support group in your area and take your father so he can interact with other Significant Others, friends family and allies.

[Elis]

Sorry you're going through this; my dad said some really trans phobic stuff too. You could try writing him an email explaining how you felt in the past about your gender, how you feel now and your transitioning plans. This will then show you've thought it through. You could also send him articles explaining the scientific proof of being trans. New Scientist wrote an article a while again about how similar the white matter in brain scans look between cis and trans men.

Also many LGBT and trans groups welcome or have seperate groups for parents and friends to attend and learn more. FTM London has one.

Unfortunately with my dad I simply had to move out and accept he'll never truly understand me; and just simply live my life as me. I spent too many years being miserable; I'm not selfish for knowing my own mind and wanting different things for myself.

I hope it gets better soon

[EnbyGuy]

Thanks for both replies!  Unfortunately I can't take him to a group, I live in an urban area in the northeast, and he lives in the rural southwest in a small conservative town over a thousand miles away.  We only see each other maybe every 2 or 3 years--he was supposed to come in September, and that's why I thought it would be better to tell him now and give him a few months to work through it, I just didn't think that someone with a history as a counselor who has always been super loving would reject me so hard.  I'll take a look at those resources and send them to him; hopefully he'll read them.

<3

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Look, he's known for two days, and it sounds like you're describing the first two hours. I know it took you a long time to get to where you are now. Give this some time and I'll bet he comes around.

Really proud of you for coming out, and handling the backlash with poise. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[JayBlue]

I don't know if the relationship is salvageable, but I want to try to save at least...something.  He's worked in health and human services, he's a liberal British guy, he has friends of all walks of life, I just don't understand it.  It feels sort of like my idea of who he was died.  I'm heavily grieving the relationship.

Hey Z,
Congrats on taking the chance and coming out to your parents. It sucks that your dad reacted that way, but even counselors have their own stuff to deal with.   I'm sure it was quite a shock to him and obviously he didn't handle it well.

I never came out to anyone while my mom was alive because I know she would have disowned me. I denied myself most of my life because of that. I just started T a few weeks ago, but I'm only out to my best friend and my husband at this point. My dad is 83, and I have no idea how he would react to this, but I already know his new wife would be horrified. She is one of the most intolerant people I have ever met. I only see him every few months or so because we don't live in the same town. I keep thinking that maybe he just won't really notice. I've already starting priming the pump as to why I will need top surgery. Of course, I'm not calling it that. 

I know you want to continue your relationship with your dad, and I certainly hope that he comes around.  However I am happy for you that you want to live your life for yourself. You may find that he just needs some time to process it.

Hang in there!

[Pao]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope he comes around.

I really liked Transgender Child. It has a more technical viewpoint that may appeal to his counselor side.

I also liked Raising Ryland. It is written from the point of view of the mother of the child. It is emotional. It's only drawback is that she spends a lot of time on before the kid was born and the fact that he needed cochlear implants, so it is possible the reader will get bored before any trans stuff comes up.

[TransAm]

Sometimes really progressive/liberal parents are cool with a ton of things until their own child happens to become one of those things. It could just be that he's experiencing a mental overload and just handled the situation extremely poorly as a result. Time will tell, so don't write him off just yet.
Just do your best to stay calm and focused (I know that's easier said than done).

The passages that others have suggested are good ones to try if you're headed in that direction.

[cinderkaburagi]

Sometimes really progressive/liberal parents are cool with a ton of things until their own child happens to become one of those things. It could just be that he's experiencing a mental overload and just handled the situation extremely poorly as a result. Time will tell, so don't write him off just yet.
Just do your best to stay calm and focused (I know that's easier said than done).

The passages that others have suggested are good ones to try if you're headed in that direction.

Its sad that liberal parents even react this way. Be prepared to cut him off in case it isn't salvageable.

[EnbyGuy]

Thanks everyone <3 I feel the "maybe they just won't notice" impulse, but it didn't feel right for me in the long term.  I'm happy with who I am for the first time in my life, and I don't want to have to hide in front of those I'm supposed to be close with.

I tried writing a letter--I thought it was pretty good, and I ended with a beautiful voice recording made by a friend of mine who is a musician and currently taking T--they're documenting the change in their voice, in A Capella. 

My dad wrote back and told me not call him.  The language was...very clear, very cruel, very sad, and felt very final.  He still signed "Dad," but for the first time in my life, it was just "Dad."  No "Love."

I know I should be angry, and in a way I am, but I'm mostly sad for him.  His wife is 76, and he's 65.  His brother has had stage 4 cancer for several years.  His mother cut him out, and he didn't see her for decades before her funeral.  I'm his only child, and our friendship in my adulthood has been significant.  I know it's not on me, but I'm sad to think of him being alone.

I have another friend who loves the story of the poet Robert Duncan's friendship with another poet--he describes it as a kind of intellectual romance, a lifelong intimacy between a gay man and a straight woman that existed mostly in letters.  One day, she sent Duncan a poem that he shredded for over three pages.  She tried to write back, and he sent a dozen more pages.  That was the last interaction they had until she called to ask Duncan's partner how he was, only to find out how long he had been sick, and how he died.

I'm struggling with the idea that there may be no one to call me when my father passes away. I feel lucky to have an amazing community of human beings, and I don't feel alone, but I do feel the loss.  My heart goes out to anyone else who is going through the same.  In the end, at least for me, it is more vital at this point in my life to transition than it is to hold onto the love of a parent.  I'm made whole by my life, not his approval.  I just know I'll miss him.

[Alexthecat]

He might just need some time. Be clear to him that you are here when he gets over his own insecurities.

[Jonathan L]

I am so so sorry to hear this. It is possible that this is the end of your relationship, but it is also possible that he just needs time to process this revelation and may come around eventually. I've struggled a lot with my mother over my transition. She's gay and fairly liberal so I thought she would be accepting, but she's been in denial for more than a year. She finally told me a few weeks ago (after I told her I was getting top surgery) that she doesn't believe I'm trans and thinks this is all some form of mental illness. We already had a rocky relationship so it hasn't been a total shock, but it still hurts, especially to feel like I can't rely on her at all. I've gotten to the point where I know I just have to continue to live my life and hope that one day she pulls herself together. I really hope your dad comes around and realizes that having a relationship with you is more important than his attachment to a particular gender.

[elkie-t]

So...a thing I wasn't particularly worried about happening, happened.  My Dad, historically my favorite parent, took my coming out very, very badly this past Sunday.  Like, compared his feelings about my gender to coming home and finding his wife lobotomized, and blanket refused to use my name and pronouns, ever.  I'm not going to list all that was said, I just can't, but he essentially checked every box for "things not to say to a trans person" shy of actually disowning me.

I don't know if the relationship is salvageable, but I want to try to save at least...something.  He's worked in health and human services, he's a liberal British guy, he has friends of all walks of life, I just don't understand it.  It feels sort of like my idea of who he was died.  I'm heavily grieving the relationship.

He is, at least, the kind of person who will read things if they're sent to him. What kinds of readings would you recommend sending in this situation?  And if that doesn't work, what are some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with what's essentially the loss of a parent?  I don't think I'll be able to call him anymore if we have another conversation like that one.  I told him to take a little breather and I'd call back on Saturday, but I'm panicking about once an hour at the thought.  I don't want to lose my dad.

I hope I posted this in the right spot, apologies if not, I'm a little overwhelmed.  I only had two significant people left to tell, and this was NOT the one I thought was going to be difficult.

Thanks,
Z

Ignore whatever he said during the first few weeks. When my wife learned about my inner girl, she compared me with a child molester Don't try to change him, change yourself to be more independent from him financially and androgynous/female. When you look female and are accepted and know as female socially and live a happy life, he eventually will have to accept facts. Too bad he won't help you now when you need his help most, but at least he didn't kick you out to the streets (and I knew a girl who was kicked out )


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[WolfNightV4X1]

I am so so sorry to hear this. It is possible that this is the end of your relationship, but it is also possible that he just needs time to process this revelation and may come around eventually. I've struggled a lot with my mother over my transition. She's gay and fairly liberal so I thought she would be accepting, but she's been in denial for more than a year. She finally told me a few weeks ago (after I told her I was getting top surgery) that she doesn't believe I'm trans and thinks this is all some form of mental illness. We already had a rocky relationship so it hasn't been a total shock, but it still hurts, especially to feel like I can't rely on her at all. I've gotten to the point where I know I just have to continue to live my life and hope that one day she pulls herself together. I really hope your dad comes around and realizes that having a relationship with you is more important than his attachment to a particular gender.

I feel like on the flipside of that they're hoping that someday you'll realize the error in your ways and realize what a terrible mistake you've made, and go back to being the thing you used to present as.

That, of course, won't happen. Sadly, I feel most parents who have strong beliefs are not going to turn back and accept you, not if they don't come around during a little aftef the beginning initial shock.


Of course I'm just speculating so im probably totally wrong on how people change, who knows?

[Jonathan L]

That's definitely my worry, WolfNightV4X1. I guess it depends on how strong the denial is though. I've known some trans guys whose parents had a hard time at first but after a couple of years seeing that it wasn't going away they couldn't keep denying what was happening. So I wouldn't completely give up hope.

[EnbyGuy]

In better news: I have close family friends (an older couple, 70's/80's) from whom I rent a house super cheaply, and since I wanted to visit them in August I told them that I'm transitioning and got an adorable/cheesy email titled "congratulations on your life-changing trip."  It helps to keep in mind that the vast majority of people in my life have been welcoming and supportive, even if they don't get it 100% right 100% of the time, and even if it puts them outside of the realm of their previous life experiences. 

My Dad still isn't calling, but did send a mopey/less angry email reply--I think it could go either of the ways suggested by other posters (he's either waiting for me to "change my mind" or he's coming around slowly).  Lots of "but I loved having a daughter" kind of stuff.  My humanities scholar brain tells me that a lot of this has to do with the kinds of rules that traditional masculinity puts on relationships between men--in his brain, if he accepts me as a masculine person then he can't call me "sweetheart" or read me Annie Dillard poems and cry.  I'm going to keep sending an occasional note to leave him an opening if ever he wants it.  Being a trans guy hasn't somehow magically changed me into a person that doesn't like poetry or endearments, so hopefully he'll see that eventually. 

This first year out stuff is tough.  <3