Crushed

[DawnOday]

After almost a year on hormones, after thirty five years of marriage, after taking care of my wife after she had her leg amputated. Driving, cleaning, cooking, shopping being at her beck and call.  After 35 years of knowing I was a crossdresser. After 2 children. After 25 years of no sex due to medications and genital defects. She's big, I'm tiny, My being tiny has been a source of embarrassment for many, many years. Finding out about DES has finally filled in the blanks for me. I was just informed that she is embarrassed of me. I have been a good husband, a good father, a good friend and now this. Hell I'm embarrassed of me. I always thought I was somehow deficient, because of my desires I have no control over.  Thanks to people like those on this site, I no longer feel like an outcast. The fact I no longer harbor any secrets has made me a better, more open person.  Her announcement is devastating. I am at a loss to what I should do. This is the worst day of my transition thus far. I am thankful that she has finally played her hand. She didn't want to talk about it since I started. I have been totally upfront about this. I had hoped that once she learned about the DES she would understand. I was so optimistic and now...

[KathyLauren]

Oh, Dawn, I am so sorry that your wife has responded in this way.  Things were going so well for you, it would have been understandable to hope for a happy outcome.

On the other hand, now you know how she feels.  You can start making plans with this information in mind.  Be strong, and keep being yourself.

[Rachel]

Dawn, I am sorry this happened to you.

I understand completely what you are saying and my soon to be ex-wife said the same thing to me. The rejection of who I truly am and finally coming fully out and the one person who was my best friend rejected me. Everything I did during our then 19 year marriage (now 24 year marriage) was for nothing.

I looked at it from her side and yes I hid an important thing about myself. She was in pain and did not marry in her mind a woman. She is not queer in any way. So now revealing who I am became a complete "deal breaker" to her.

It takes 2 people to have a marriage and when one wants out then all that is left is the legal work. 

[Tessa James]

OH Dawn that is a heartbreaking development and news I too fear I may yet hear.  Damn, that's so wrong on so many levels.  Life and especially love are not fair and your generous contributions to your shared life together may seem far less than appreciated. 

I hope you will continue to take some deep breaths and hold your head high.  You have absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about and are part of normal human variations.  It is likely too soon for platitudes about doors closing and opening but you are strong and you will have more opportunities to shine with love to warm your heart and friends to welcome.

[RobynD]

I'm sorry she said such a cold thing and so very sorry for the pain you feel. There were a lot better ways to voice her discomfort than that and in a loving way. I believe couples counseling would be in order next and healing for both.

[Julia1996]

I'm so sorry Dawn. That really sucks. Especially after you have given so much time and so much of yourself to this person. Don't ever be embarrassed about your size. It's who you are and you are a beautiful person no matter how big you are. Before I transitioned my dad was embarrassed of my size. He is 6'2, my brother is 6'4 and my mom is 5,10. I am 5'5 and 109 lbs. He even took me to an endocrinologist to see if there was something else wrong with my genetics. Since I transitioned my size obviously is not an issue any more. I would love to be as tall as my mom and have long legs like she does but oh well. And please Don't be offended by this but if your wife has such an issue with something as unimportant as your size then maybe she no longer deserves someone as caring and loving as you.

Fell better soon
Big hugs
Julia

[Denise]

Dawn, I'm so sorry for your situation.  Sometimes knowing others are in the same boat.  Know this, you are not alone.  32 years married, 2 grown kids, ... We will be divorced near year end. 

One thing that was VERY important to my wife and me is that we part as friends.  It had taken me 18 months to ease my mind into the idea of not being married to "her" but I think I'm okay with it now.  Time heals most things.

Many hugs,
Denise

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[HappyMoni]

Dawn,
   I am so sorry for this tremendous hurt you are experiencing. This stinking society works against us so much even poisoning the minds of people we love. It is truly horrible that a wonderful person such as yourself should have to be exposed to such unnecessary hurt. I hope you will stay strong. I have read enough of your posts to think you will. Don't let anyone get you doubting yourself. You are awesome.
  Love to you.
Moni

[LizK]

Oh Dawn that is just awful...I can understand your anger and hurt over this. What I think is so incredibly hard to take is the total unfairness of it all. Dawn you have spent you whole life like many of us fulfilling what you considered the "role " in the family that is down to you. Doing the right thing by the people you love, hiding your true self so as not to cause any perceived harm or "embarrassment" to your family. You have done the right thing and now the time is here for the family to support you and then come the excuses...I have heard it all from my family as well...sprouting all the crap about how much they love and respect me and in the next breath accusing me of being some kind of threat to my nieces...so I understand the odd feeling of everything being a bit surreal when you find this stuff out.

I hope this is an aberration on your wife's behalf and things return to a more loving situation.

Take care
Hugs
Liz

[DawnOday]

I appreciate all your support and kind words. As I write this I am preparing divorce documents. I refuse to stay where I am thought of as embarrassing.  And I thought my problem was going to be the kids. For once in my life I have purpose and I will not let this destroy the progress I have made. I went to counseling in the first place because my behavior was becoming more disruptive. I promised her and my sister to seek counseling. I was just fulfilling a promise. And the results have been nothing less than miraculous so far. It is indeed sad that the things we once did together she has no interest in being seen with me. I don't understand as I do stealth very well. I just tell her to think of me as having prostrate cancer and I am being treated with hormones just as my Uncle Scotty was treated for his prostrate cancer. It's too late for surgery and too soon to die. She still has never seen me en-femme as I really do not want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable.  I live in Washington for crying out loud. Many men over 50 have pony tails. Some might think I am acting rash. No taking 64 years to resolve a problem is not rash, it is long, long overdue. I will survive and perhaps thrive.

Thank you all
Dawn

[Laurie]

I appreciate all your support and kind words. As I write this I am preparing divorce documents. I refuse to stay where I am thought of as embarrassing. 
I will survive and perhaps thrive.

Thank you all
Dawn

Dawn I am so sorry for the way things have turned out with your wife. I know how it hurts as I've been through it myself 20 some odd years ago. It hurt for a long time.
  On the other hand I'm proud of you for taking the bull by the horns and taking action to take care of yourself. Once her true colors were shown I agree there is no sense dragging it out. Your read the writing on the wall and doing what is best for you both. Divorce is not something you want to have happen but sometime it is what is best. I know that at the time divorcing me was the best thing my wife could do for herself. It took me a long time to admit that and move on with my life.
  I like the ending you wrote:

"I will survive and perhaps thrive." 

It is exactly what each of us need to remember we have to fight for ourselves and survive.

Big Hugs,
   Laurie

[DawnOday]

Dawn I am so sorry for the way things have turned out with your wife. I know how it hurts as I've been through it myself 20 some odd years ago. It hurt for a long time.
  On the other hand I'm proud of you for taking the bull by the horns and taking action to take care of yourself. Once her true colors were shown I agree there is no sense dragging it out. Your read the writing on the wall and doing what is best for you both. Divorce is not something you want to have happen but sometime it is what is best. I know that at the time divorcing me was the best thing my wife could do for herself. It took me a long time to admit that and move on with my life.
  I like the ending you wrote:

"I will survive and perhaps thrive." 

It is exactly what each of us need to remember we have to fight for ourselves and survive.

Big Hugs,
   Laurie

Jo is not the first wife I've lost due to this. Thirty nine years ago I divorced the love of my life. But I could not control my urges. Nor could I hold back from being introverted and not a great conversationalist. She came home one day and told me. I love you but I am not in love with you. I never knew what she meant.  Back then little was known. It was the way it all came about that left lingering questions. Questions not addressed until last year after not speaking for 40 years I approached her about it all. All she would say is that I was ignoring her. When I went to see the counselor she suggested I was ignoring her because I had gender issues. Duh. I've always known it. In many ways I am thankful she found love and happiness with her Dr. Husband of 34 years.
Jo found my makeup stash before we were married and I explained to her and she never addressed it again. That's why I though she was supporting my decision to begin HRT. I doubt I would survive without it. I was dying. I avoided people, I was a total p___k. Until that therapy visit were I found hope. I had been at least 6 times previously but could not bring myself to out myself. So instead I went to a ton of stress seminars. Then I found that all the stress was from keeping a secret. Luckily our Son and his wife live with us and can take care of her. She also has nice retirement savings. We spent all mine. Ain't that the way it goes.

[Rayna]

Dawn, I too am so sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad you are not dithering, and just moving ahead in your best interests. As Moni said, from your interactions here I know you are a good person and will be a valued friend and companion wherever you end up. Heck, you could go on a tour like Laurie is doing. With all your friends around here, it might take a long time. Take care and know you are worthwhile.
Randy

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

[Michelle_P]

Dawn, I'm so sorry this has happened.  I had thought that your marriage would have a happier ending than mine.  (My ex turns out to be transphobic, and worse in my opinion, mostly concerned about what her friends would think if they found out.  I came out quite publically, so now she knows...)

This is a very unpleasant thing to go through, but it ends, and you will eventually be able to get on with your life.  I hope you eventually can find your way to joy and happiness.

[chris.deee]

I'm so sorry to read this. My thoughts and good wishes go out to you. 

It sounds like all she said was that she was embarrassed, not that she wanted a divorce or was insisting you change course. 

If that's the case, are you perhaps jumping to divorce a bit quickly?  Only you can know that - I'm just observing that it seemed like it escalated pretty fast. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[josie76]

Dawn, I'm so sorry to see this happening in your life. I understand the pain of your partners rejection all to well. My wife is bipolar and has been going from supportive to hateful towards me every few days. It seems many of us are attracted to certain types of women. I hope things get better for you.

[AlyssaJ]

Dawn, I'll add my support for you and my sorrow in hearing that your wife was so brazen and callous. That is a truly hurtful thing for her to say.  It sounds like you've done all you can throughout your life to support her but unfortunately her anger and hurt has blinded her to some of that.  Heck the fact that you treated her so well for so long might actually be worsening her feelings of hurt.  But you have nothing to be embarrassed of in yourself.  You've chosen a path that will make you whole for the first time in your life, that's something to be proud of. 

[tgirlamg]

Hi Dawn... I'm sorry for what feels like a dark section of the journey but at the same time it sounds so much like one of the points along the way that marks a new beginning... A point when you can feel the hope and promise of things to come!!!

You two faced much together and your time together brought you here to this point...so nothing was a waste! All will be well my friend!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

[DawnOday]

Dawn, I'll add my support for you and my sorrow in hearing that your wife was so brazen and callous. That is a truly hurtful thing for her to say.  It sounds like you've done all you can throughout your life to support her but unfortunately her anger and hurt has blinded her to some of that.  Heck the fact that you treated her so well for so long might actually be worsening her feelings of hurt.  But you have nothing to be embarrassed of in yourself.  You've chosen a path that will make you whole for the first time in your life, that's something to be proud of. 

Thanks Allyssa I don't look at her as brazen or callous. I see her as human. Everything you come to believe is being contested. I can't say I ever saw her angry. I've supported her because I am her spouse and promised to take care of her. We worked together on so many issues. You don't survive 35 years by ignoring each other. I am looking forward and if she wants to join me, that is her prerogative If not I understand. I really do. This reckoning has been a long time coming and it was a reply from Dana that gave me the incentive to explore the possibilities. I thought I had too many health problems but her comments inspired me to seek help. Two visits to visit Kristy and I was authorized for HRT. If nothing else, the mental stability I have attained is more appreciated than any set of boobs or rounding butt. I've been able to fake those things for a long time. Let's face it. I appear to be getting younger while she continues to age. I have hair down to my collar. Last time that happened was 1972. It is confusing and I certainly understand confusion. I will always support her and love her. In time she may come around and realize the stability I have attained is far greater than any concern she has. Because it is improving both our lives.

[ds1987]

Forgive me if this seems ignorant, but would she have any interest in talking with other spouses/partners of those who are going/have gone through transition?  I got the sense that there have been at least the occasional post from a SO of someone transitioning on this forum, let alone others who are out there.  Could this be a fear-based reaction, rather than a true reflection of how she sees you?  It's so sad to think that after so much dedication and commitment, it would all end rather abruptly like this