Crazy weird dysphoria, ftm, help?! *trigger warning*

[undautri]

This'll be touching on self-harming and graphic descriptions of body shape, movement and function. and sex, briefly. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place on the site to post it but I can't find the proper place for it and I'm slowly sinking into a panic about it.

I'm pre-everything. I need help, doctor's taking forever to refer me to a specialist and I'm worried they'll turn me down.
  I can't make sense of anything. My dysphoria is always there, but it's only really a huge bother when I'm upset. I've previously had breakdowns and tried to cut off my breasts, but having read what other ftms say, I'm beginning to question if i'm even trans at all. The others say the jiggle of their breasts is what bothers them, but I just don't like the solids inside them. I don't like the way they look, and the nipples are just...way too big. When I wear a binder, I get an immense sense of relief every time, but it's not every day where I definitely need to wear it. I'm trying to bulk up my pecs so the fat gets stretched, but the solids will stay and that's what bothers me. Not the jiggle.
  Also I'm not too happy about my genitals, but again I feel like I dislike them for all the wrong reasons. I want to be a male so I can have cis sex and perform various acts and feel good doing it... I wouldn't mind keeping my ovaries. I don't like being a lesbian, i want to have regular, cis sex with the women I like. it's not that I don't like the acts, but they make me feel so uncomfortable and inadequate. They enjoy it well enough, but I still feel lacking because of what's not between my legs.
I dress masculine, act masculine, and I have been directed to the men's bathroom by a Thai lady in the past. It made me feel good. But sometimes, the things that quell my bad thoughts make them worse. i feel pathetic and superficial for wanting to be a man but I want it so badly, even if sometimes the want doesn't come from a constant hatred of what I have, just petty image issues.
  I'm scared when I get referred to the therapist, they'll take one look at me and say I'm not worth it, that I'm not really trans and because I have days where issues don't make me want to die, I won't get hormone therapy or any help at all. I'm scared I'll look to self-surgery if that happens... It's not beyond me to do things like that when I'm upset. But then, I'd probably botch it. So that'd put me off. And then I'd be trapped with everyone calling me "miss" for all eternity because I couldn't grow a beard and these hips don't lie.
  Am I even trans? Do you guys think the doctors would deny me SRS or HRT?

[LizK]

Undautri

You show discomfort with the gender you were assigned at birth , you experience a desire to change your body to match more closely how you feel....that pretty much covers the two biggies about wether you are trans or not...its now more about what are you going to do about it. Your body configuration is not you...it is part of you but it is not you. You are more than what or what isn't between your legs or on your chest. Don't worry about that part for the moment because whatever you decide to do is up to you and not your therapist. They will help you make that decision but ultimately it will be yours.

"they'll take one look at me and say I'm not worth it"

A therapist is there is help you work out who you are and help you get the things in your life that make you happy. They will no doubt challenge you but that is a good thing...makes you think about stuff. Maybe for yourself its about being sure what it is that you do want?

I hope some of that helps

[Elis]

Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently. Some absolute hate their bodies and want everything changed; while others feel a strong dislike and discomfort and only want some medical transitioning or none at all.

I was reading a recent post on this forum about trans men feeling dysphoria or discomfort because of the way their breast tissue moves. For me I never considered this before and found it very odd that would be a concern. But like you I find my nipples too big; they look too 'female'. And I like my chest even though I want the lumps gone; I can appreciate they're ok looking and am fine with not wearing my binder 24/7.

As for genitals it really appeals to me to have sex with a woman using a penis; but am perfectly happy keeping what I already have otherwise. And once I grew a penis on T the dysphoria become a lot better; although I didn't have very much pre T.
If you want to keep your ovaries that's fine too; it's your body afterall; doesn't make you less of a man.

As for your therapist as long as she specialises in treating trans patients and follows WPATH you'll be fine. By which I mean she should let you talk for yourself and not interrogate you. She'll ask you the standard questions such as how long you've felt this way and how you found school to be as well. And the main reason for a therapist is for them to be confident you've thought this through clearly and have no serious mental health issues which could affect transitioning; which from you're post I'd say you pass.

If your therapist makes you feel uncomfortable in any way you have the right to find a new one.

And just to add cis people never question their assigned gender; only trans people.

[undautri]

What you two said helps a lot. makes me with i could give reputation points, because I really needed to hear that. I've been stressing about it a lot ever since I figured out I was trans.
  Thanks for the reassurance, you two lovely people.

[kylen kantari]

Please don't ever measure whether you are trans or not based on other people's dysphoria. Everyone's dysphoria manifests differently. Just because you don't have the same dysphoria or you're dysphoric about something else, does not mean that you are not trans. Dysphoria can fluctuate in intensity over time, and what you are dysphoric about can change too. For a long time I didn't have any top dysphoria, just intense bottom dysphoria. It wasn't that I necessarily hated what was there, but it was the lack of what should have been there. And I feel exactly the same way about sex that you do. To the point I can't even have sex because to the lack of proper equipment. I eventually developed top dysphoria but it's not as intense as what other ftm's describe. Does this mean I'm not trans? No, because I am mentally male and have felt this way most of my life.

The thing about being trans, is that it is a self diagnosed condition. There is no real checklist of symptoms that you must have to be trans. Do you feel that mentally you are male even though your body is female? Have you felt like this for a long time? Yes to both of those, and guess what, you're trans.

Don't worry about a therapist refusing you treatment. Just from what you've described in your post, any good therapist will listen to your story and immediately recommend you for starting T. This might take 2-3 sessions just so the therapist can rule out any other mental health conditions that you might need treatment for in addition to being trans. But I really don't see there being any issues. The therapist would probably recommend you for surgery pretty quickly as well.

And please, please, PLEASE, don't ever hurt yourself. Having dealt with self-harm myself in the past, I get it, I really do. But there are always better options that hurting yourself. If you ever feel the need to hurt yourself, call someone. Family, friends, someone who understands your situation, and if you don't have anyone like that there are plenty of hotlines out there that you can call. Trans Lifeline is a good one, they deal specifically with trans folk, they have a website and a phone number you can call. And think of it this way, if you cut up your chest, you will make it really hard for a surgeon to give you awesome the top surgery results you want.

Hang in there, you can do it. You're not alone.

[Kylo]

This is exactly the sort of thing a therapist can help you sort out, they know everyone's case is different. A lot of people are scared a therapist will deny them any sort of help at first, but this seems extremely rare and you can always go to a different therapist if one doesn't suit you.