This makes no sense...

[suntanlotion]

None of this is making any sense. How can I, from when I was a Child, have no gender dysphoria, and was a typical boy. Ok I was a little bit more empathetic than the other boys, not much of a fighter though I have fought. But I never wanted to play with dolls, wear girls clothes or do anything even remotely feminine.

The only thing I can note is that I was introduced to the concept of sex and the female form early and I responded, typically, as a male. By becoming aroused. But also becoming obsessed.

How is it I can go from that, to hitting my teens and starting to become curious/jealous of the the sexual role of a female..? But still be attracted to females! Sure, the thought of being penetrated does sound nice, but the fact it is being done by some rugged masculine figure, sickens me to tears.

I mean come on! I went from regularity, obsessed and over-sexed, to curiosity, to jelousy, to using sexual release as a coping mechanism, to finally breaking down at 31.

I always had some sort of body dysmorphia. I mean I never liked the way I looked. But there were so many times, even after puberty, where I would admire certain things about myself, in secret. And it was always, large arms, broad shoulders, flat stomach... Now I look in the mirror and most of that is just crap. I see my male face, I want to puke. Male chest, puke... Even the "equipment" is kinda puke now. And now, on the home stretch of this psychotic adventure, dressing as a female at home, without any sexual release, and just being as is. And feeling good about it too...

I can't have been born this way. You don't just switch to these things consciously... Wtf happened :/

Edit: I had to add... I mean FFS I wanted to Box but the old lady (old man wasn't around) thought it was too low class for us hurhurhurrr like we were millionaires we had no money for goodness sake... I wanted to race cars, fly planes. And that's still till now. I would very much enjoy pummelling someone in a controlled environment. I think it;s time I saw a psych because this, what I am going through, is making NO SENSE.

[Elis]

Like you I didn't really have and gender dysphoria before puberty; but I think this is common for most trans people.  Unfortunately the media likes to focus on trans people who knew from a very early age. At puberty your body is being rushed with the wrong hormones which will cause you to feel body dysphoria and become aware of social dysphoria; as your body is developing the wrong way.

There are many cis women who like stereotypically masculine things or who like stereotypically male associated things about their body; doesn't mean they're less of a woman.

I would just take things slowly.  If women clothes make you feel better keep on doing that, a trans group may also help or seeing a gender therapist. Just because you could be trans doesn't mean you have to take HRT or have any surgeries.

[sarah1972]

Hi Suntanlotion,

if you look through the Introduction section of this forum you will quickly see that your story is not unusual in our community. some trans know when they are four. Some go through an entire life and do not discover being trans until they are in their sixties or even seventies.

The story of my life is somewhat similar to what you described. I had been crossdressing  on occasion for a long time and always blamed it on a sexual fetish. Last year I discovered that being female helped me over some dark times. Took me a while to believe it. All the sudden everything made sense. (I was 44 at that point).

In coming out a few people said "I am not surprised - you have always been a bit different, more empathetic".

Does it all make full sense to me now? Not really. Did I learn a lot about myself and discovered that there have been signs my entire life? Yes, absolutely. To some degree I am a bit angry since I could have had 20 more happy years as a women. For me it does not change who I am and I am in a very happy place these days. Transitioning step by step.

Many here will recommend you see therapist specializing in Gender Dysphoria. Initially I thought of this to be just a gatekeeper to get hormones I have to say that I now understand why. It has helped me figure out a few things.

One other thing to keep in mind is that transgender is a spectrum and there are many different ways of moving forward, from Non-Binary, crossdressers to many of us who do transition fully.

Good luck on your journey!

Hugs Sarah

[KathyLauren]

Your story is actually quite typical.  Like you, I grew up not being aware of my dysphoria.  Growing up, everything was confusing and I never fit in.  The dysphoria was just blended in with all that and not visible to a young kid.  Now, in hindsight, I see signs of it back as young as 7 years old. 

As an adult, I wondered for years about being trans, but always managed to talk myself out of it.  After all, I might be a little odd, but surely I couldn't be that weird, could I?  That is called internalized transphobia, and it takes a while to get over it.  So, finally, here I am at age 62, transitioning.

Seeing a therapist is a good idea.  It is fairly clear from what you wrote that you are somewhere on the trans spectrum, so a therapist who specializes in gender issues would be the best.

[AnonyMs]

Sounds pretty similar to myself. As everyone says, its common story here.

[Kylo]

Don't underestimate the human mind's ability to compartmentalize and push things aside or bury them in the moment, or in phases. If you feel genuinely good about being one sex or another or viewing things from one perspective creating a positive response in your mind (or sexually) than another - these aren't made up emotions if the body responds beyond your conscious control.

I'm in my late 30s and I only just discovered a bunch of things my mind and body responds to because I bothered to entertain the ideas properly. Before that, they never crossed the mind and the mind and body had no chance to respond to them.

I used to view myself in the mirror, unhappy what I was looking at, but looking at it through a gendered lens and judging it that way. Without that, or with the lens flipped to male, it's fine. But at the same time, I could entertain "satisfactory" appearance as female, if I was viewing myself as one back then and judging what parts were "good" or "all right" on me I could absolutely do that. Didn't like being female, but I could still judge it independently, from a male view, or a female view. Perspective/context makes a lot of difference to how you feel about what you see.

[ds1987]

I'm going to board the train and echo others' sentiments.  I grew up fairly Conservative Christian, and had nearly no basis for sexuality or gender other than what was just accepted as man/woman.  Pre-puberty, I always wanted to be like the girls, learning how to dance silly or sing Disney songs and braid Barbie hair.  As a teenager, everything got screwed up.  I was way into men, and chalked it up to a sexual deviancy.  Then at 21, I came out as gay, but I actually became steadily more miserable.  I never quite clicked with gay guys as friends, and had a few tumultuous and short-lived relationships.  At about 24, I completely did myself up as a woman for Halloween and went to the University I was attending for the whole day.  I was in love with all of it, but afterwards felt this strange quasi-guilt quasi-panic and didn't revisit it for several years.  I even went to try it again (also for Halloween) a couple years ago, and sobbed in my car because the realization of my being trans was so powerful and scary, after years of misunderstanding something I couldn't even begin to consider before.

Now, I do look back and see many different things about my childhood til now that point to my being a woman.  Some are seemingly trivial, like wanting to play the princess or loving the aesthetic of breasts.  I've been taking hormones for almost 2.5 months, and I am without a doubt the happiest I have ever been.  And not just about my transition, I'm excited for my future career choices and possibilities and actually enjoying daily life.  It's so crazy to think that at 30, I had never experienced this true joy, but now I know without a doubt that I am finally becoming who I have been all along...a gorgeous and confident woman.

So yeah, I had no idea for a while, except that it felt wonderful the few times I dressed as a woman (I never wanted to call it drag), followed by the crash and anxiety the days and weeks after.   If this is the point you're at now, please explore it in any way you feel comfortable.  If you start adding to it because what you start with isn't enough, it doesn't mean you're in trouble, it means you're piecing things together.  Much love, we are here to support you.  Feel free to message me about any of it, too, I could talk about it for hours

[suntanlotion]

Thanks for the responses.

I am feeling better than I was when I posted this.

I told my partner quite a few things about myself recently. I mean, I won't get into it all here but they were along the lines of wanting to look more femme. Ah, you know, I want smooth skin. Would not miss any facial hair. Nice smooth facial skin as well, great ass (hah it aint bad I might add)... She is a bit daft or in denial for not piecing it all together herself. I don't think a bloke who is commenting on another womans wonderful outfit is exactly "in the norm" (ha!). Well there's that and the fact that I always seem to have some sort of opinion on Womens clothing, to the point where I've actually said "Yeah I'd wear that"...

She seems OK with what I am doing now as it is no secret that I DO like to moisturise my face every night and comment on how I think my hands are softer than hers. They are by the way... I haven't worked a day in my life, or so says my Mother (HA!)... Now I think you really have to be daft, not to realise the future implications of such a thing. Telling someone that you wished you had been born a female, let alone delving into the things that led up to realising it, is no trivial matter. Then moving on to say that your sexually submissive nature, the kinky stuff I wanted to try out (take a wild guess as to what it was... not swinging), the vanity of youth, hair, skin and beauty, was a way to connect with that... Surely that is no trivial thing... Now I am thinking she is either daft or accepting... But when I did tell her, I got two, really offensive responses. "You're not going to go girl are you?" "does this mean you are going to wear lipstick"... she has made it clear that she is not attracted to the female form. So transitioning fully while being with her is a no-go. They say no partner is worth your own happiness, but I counter with what if they were a source of it? Because, she is. It's not merely a fear of being alone or facing the dating world, AGAIN... She genuinely makes me happy. And she is really good company, excellent listener, an excellent space and giver, very empathetic, generous, loving and all kinds of other potentially cancerous sugary snacks (My cynicism is strong tonight).

What does one do in Purgatory, I wonder?

I guess I can revisit all of this if we ever were on the rocks, followed by a splash in the ocean. My yearning to be female is no where near as strong as some of you extremely brave individuals have had to bare. I will keep saving, keep earning, keep building equity. If I do go through with it, and start the transition, most probably will cut all ties, burn all bridges and go on an adventure.

[ds1987]

You've mentioned moisturizing your face, having soft hands, commenting on women's outfits, etc...remember, some of the elements I mentioned, and there are still others, of how I was as a child/teenager seemed so simple and on their own and may not be any indication of being trans.  But the more pieces you notice, or new pieces that start to come up now that you're in this mindset at all, the more you can see an image starting to form.

I cannot comment to being with someone while transitioning, as I've been single for over four years.  But you said "I counter with what if they are a source of it?"  It is said that people will often seek out partners that resemble their parental figure (or what they wanted in one), often without being conscious of it.  Maybe your attraction to her has been partially tied in to a representation of who you might be able to see yourself as.  I would never ever give advice on relationships, as mine have never been great, but what if there's a possibility that your being with her was supposed to lead you to this stage of discovery? 

I wouldn't necessarily say that no partner is worth your loss of happiness, but if you aren't happy with yourself and you're with her now, that could quite possibly begin affecting your relationship.  It sounds like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't," which must be a harrowing situation to deal with.  But waiting until you're "on the rocks" sounds to me like you would be waiting for her to make a decision to end things. 

I'll repeat myself from my last comment, if at any point you want to message me, please do.  Unless this form of communication is comfortable, than I'm all for that too.  I feel a connection in what you're saying, which brings out the therapeutic side of my nature.  Not to mention that I do what Purgatory feels like, and the light is feeling so good after so long of waiting for it.

Aria

[suntanlotion]

Hmmm... Her being a representation of what I want to become? I don't think I want to become her, and she is hardly an image of any of my parents of family. Yes she is kind, and I would like to be kind, but I don't think I am with her for the sole purpose of realising who I am... No I thinks he is what she is and is wonderful.

But you know, none of that changes the fact that I have a desire to be female. That when I look in the mirror, I want to see a female. But am I absolutely disgusted by what is looking back at me? I would have to say no.

Look, I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never be a biological female. I will never look the way I ideally want to look, and lets face it, the way I want to look is based around superficial ideals.

There are several times that I have looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw, or at least, certain aspects. Sure I want to look more femme, have a slimmer body, bigger ass... You know, femme traits. Yeah I love keeping my skin nice and I have this huge fear of losing my hair. But I wonder, is that just the SUB me talking?

Personally I want nothing to do with the traditional gender role, outside of the bedroom.

Side note; your profile picture is really nice. Love your hair! You can pull off this life really easily just by looking at you. So I wish you all the best.

If I had a choice between male, female, or dragon... I'd go dragon.