I'm really confused. I find myself saying 'I don't know' with every question that fills my head about gender. When I look in the mirror. I really don't know why I don't like what I see. Am I just insecure? Trans? Possibly Non-Binary? I just...don't know.
So, a bit of my story.
I was fairly feminine as a young child.(I was born female) Yet I never really felt like I connected with girls. I always seem to click more with men/masculine people. I wasn't really insecure as a child. I never felt trapped in the wrong body. Yet I always felt a bit weird being called "girly". Fast forward to when I was about 10. I moved across the country. I left the ten years of life I'd lived and started fresh. There was no big traumatic reason. I just took a trip to the state one year and fell in love with it! Yet, this came with big downsides. I missed my old house. My family. My friends. The life I left behind was weighing me down. As a ten-year-old, I didn't know how to deal with such a sudden change in life and fell into a deep depression. This lead to me becoming very insecure about my body. I suddenly didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Yet I couldn't really pin why. A lot of it was weight. I'm a very curvy person. Yet I'm healthy so there was no reason to hate myself for it. Yet, to this day it's felt like there's another reason. I just couldn't and still have a hard time pointing out what that reason is. At this time, I had no idea what the lgbt+ community was. Didn't even know what it was. I found out more about sexuality first. Which led to me going through a lot of inner struggles with that. Then the gates opened to the trans/nonbinary community. Which to this day I believe was a blessing and a curse. I found a place where I can be me. But then I realized something. I had no idea who I was. What I was. It led to many more years of confusion. I first went with GenderFluid. But I seemed like my gender wasn't really changing. Just the way I presented myself was changing. I then went to Agender. It felt..okay? I wasn't uncomfortable with the label. Yet, I wasn't comfortable either. Then one day someone in the store told me "have a good day, sir." My mind froze. I wasn't really playing myself off as masculine that day but a sudden rush of happiness went through me. It was amazing yet...confusing. Again, it was amazing to get a bit closer to who I was but at the same time, I felt like I was being thrown further down into my whirlpool of confusion and depression. The next few months I went back and forth between Male and Agender. I felt so happy when people called me a boy. When I got called sir it felt as if the person was an angel that just sang the best song of human history. Yet I liked being feminine. I like dresses, high heels, make up, and things in the feminine gender roles. This all plays out to where I am today. I've lost all my friends due to a personal incident. Those were the only people that called me the pronouns I told them to. It's been a few months since someone has used He/Him or They/Them. I...I miss it. Yet I feel like I'm more confused than before. I look at myself in the mirror and I can't tell why I hate what I see so much. I look at females and can't tell if what's running through my head is the thought of "I want to look like that" or "wow she's pretty". It's the same with males. If I look at a feminine man or a slightly androgynous man. I'm even more confused. Do I want to look like that? Or do I just like what I see? I still feel that joy when I get called by masculine pronouns. Getting called a girl doesn't feel right. Today I spend all day at work just wishing my breasts would disappear. Feeling more dysphoric than I've ever been and I'm just....so confused.
I just...want to know. What to know what to do...What to call myself.
I don't really know what I'm looking for by sharing this. Some help probably. Even If no one says anything to this It felt good to get all of it out.
Thanks for reading this through If you made it this far.
