Feeling alone

[Tally]

Hi everyone I'm a bit nervous putting this here but I'll try my best. So I'm a trans girl that recently started HRT earlier this month after years of being unhappy trying to be male. I'm glad I finally went to see a therapist to do this, but there are many problems I'm facing. One of the things that mean the most to me in transitioning is dating. I have had a boyfriend in the past but it just didn't feel right because it wasn't the way I wanted to be treated. There was nothing wrong with him but he expected to be with a guy and I was just too feminine for him. I want to be someone's girlfriend, not boyfriend. I still present as a male since I haven't been on hormones for that long but lately I've been feeling extremely alone. I don't really have many friends and we never do much together. I would like to start dating but since I can't present myself as a woman I don't know how I'll find a guy who would be kind enough to be there with me all the way to my surgery. I just feel trapped and confused . I'm very depressed and it's made me hurt myself thinking every night that I might end up alone. I want to live as a girl but things like university and family always get in the way too. I'm afraid everyone will just disown me and I won't have anyone left.

[Julia1996]

Hi Tally. Welcome to the site. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. This definitely is the right place to come. The people here are very sweet and accepting. I've learned a lot here. Have you tried a LGBT center in your area? That's where I went before transitioning. Im still friends with some of the people I met there. Maybe you can find someone to talk to there. And there are the people here. Feel free to pm me if you want talk about anything. I hope you feel better soon.

Big hugs
Julia

[Tally]

 I never thought about a lgbt center since the closest one is about an hour away but I'm willing to try anything for support. Thank you so much Julia this really is a friendly place from what I've seen. 

[JB_Girl]

Hello Tally,
This journey is a pilgrimage to living authentically.  Every pilgrimage worth pursuing is fraught with difficulty and releasing your truth to the world is not any different.  My picture was taken last weekend.  Six years ago I was overweight, sported a beard, and tried to be invisible.  I've lived as a gay man, I've lived as a heterosexual man.  I've live as a terrified child seeking friendship.

I've been on Susan's before and have just come back after a couple of year hiatus, partly because even as my pilgrimage comes to fruition, many are only just taking the first brave steps.  It will likely be a while before you are comfortable living your truth.  If you haven't already, sign up for laser and/or electrolysis.  It is tough to find a date if you have stubble. 

Transition is both difficult and trans-formative.  You will find your spirit and you will find your voice.  You will certainly find friendship and certainly experience loss.  One of the things that surprised me is how quickly I was taken out of the gay dating pool.  Gay men want men not so much trans women, and you've already found that out.

There are trans folks near you and probably a support group or two as well.  Look for them and you'll find them.  BTW an hour journey to make life enriching connections is not that far.  You can send me a personal message as well and I will always respond.  This is the most emotional ride I have ever taken, but you do not need to take it alone.

Peace,
JB

[ds1987]

Hi Tally!  I'm so glad you're here.  I'm so glad I'm here.  I can't say enough good things about even the existence of this community, let alone the individuals who make it so wonderful.  I go through bouts where I post a lot, then sort of recede, but just knowing that there are people at every stage and every personality type who can help or just listen, er, read, means more than I can describe.  You've found a great place to be, especially if you are feeling the way you do now.

I'm 30 this year, and came out/started to transition on my birthday in January.  But I know too well the feelings of loneliness.  I also lived as a gay man for several years (after growing up Evangelical Christian), and my relationships were never fulfilling or long lasting.  Even when I was with someone, I felt alone.  I've been single for over four years (GASP), and what started as terror and anguish that I'd never find love has turned into joy and fortune for being single at this time of my life.  So many changes and progress and friendships that are starting or returning, I could never find time to give to an SO.  Once I stopped worrying about being single, I actually started to forget that I was single. 

That's easy for me to say now, yes, and I know that when I felt the way you do, no one's words could quite take away that pain.  But as you discover yourself, and begin to let yourself open to possibilities, you might find that it doesn't matter if you never find love. 

But I wouldn't be surprised if you do

Aria

[KathyLauren]

To add a note of hope...  There's nothing quite as sexy as a person who is comfortable and happy with who they are.  Give it time, and use the time to get comfortable with being your real self.

[Denise]

Tally,  I like that name, unique but not over the top.  Good choice.

One thing I've come to understand recently (I too was, still am in a way, lonely) is to try to find a "special friend" with out knowing how to be a "normal friend" is never going to work.  Here's my suggestion....

As a guy (since you are not presenting yet) join some club/activity/... something that is on the fringe of your interest.  For example, if you like to play cards find a beginners bridge club.  Learn to make friends and be friends.  It doesn't take that much time but well worth it.

Then find an LGBT friendly group (I joined a card playing club 70 miles away!) and go as Tally.  Introduce yourself as Tally, be Tally.  Change clothes in the parking lot, just never let them see you as <dead name>. Don't worry about your voice, ID, anything.  Just get used to interacting with people as Tally.  If you can find another "T" there, all the better.  If you can find a friendly Cis-female to talk to, good too.  They can give you tips on being feminine, correct you as you go (don't spread the legs, smaller bites of food, makeup tips, straps showing...) The group will accept you.

Keep it up and about the time you are ready to transition socially 100% you will be ready to mix-n-mingle to find that perfect someone.

hugs - Denise

[Artesia]

I understand the "lonely" feeling very well.  I was lonely in a room full of people, even when that room was full of family.  I know now that it was a prison of my own making, with my own discomfort with myself.  As you progress, you may find it easier to talk to people, and make friends easier.  I know I have found it easier to talk to people now, but I still balk at telling friends/family of my transitioning, but as a general conversation, much easier.

[MissKairi]

just want to say quickly, do what makes YOU happy.
if you want to be treated as a girlfriend by a boyfriend then thats the partner you should look for 

[baseballfan]

Hi Tally,

Being lonely is one of the worst feelings.  I understand you're feeling trapped.  Stuck between a rock an a hard place.  It can feel helpless at times.  I don't really have any advice to give, I just wanted to say I can empathize.  You aren't the only one that feels this way.  And it will get better.