Passing or Just being who you are?

[Devlyn]

For me being taken as either gender would be a fail. I'm made of sugar and snakes and spice and puppy dog tails. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Marcieelizabeth]

For me it's 'just as I am'

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

And so pretty! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[Kendra]

I am self-conscious about my voice, and have been since puberty.  My voice isn't terribly low but I have never been gendered female over the phone.  If I get clocked, that usually occurs at the point when I speak.  I mentioned this to a cis-gender friend the other day (we are both in our fifties), I was shocked by her answer - she has been misgendered male several times due to her voice which is a bit low - I didn't notice until she mentioned it.  I never imagined her being perceived as anything but female. 

If a cis-gender woman is accidentally or intentionally misgendered buying fries or a car, how should she respond.  Give up and stay home?  Change her appearance to match the expectations of random narrow minded people?  Compared to cis-gender, how should a transgender woman respond to the same situation?

If a person gives up something they desire so they can fit the expectations of random narrow minded people, will they thank her or even care?   That is the one thing I can guarantee: they don't care. 

People who have proven they don't give a damn about you have no right to decide for you.  You should be who you want to be.

[tgirlamg]

I am self-conscious about my voice, and have been since puberty.  My voice isn't terribly low but I have never been gendered female over the phone.  If I get clocked, that usually occurs at the point when I speak.  I mentioned this to a cis-gender friend the other day (we are both in our fifties), I was shocked by her answer - she has been misgendered male several times due to her voice which is a bit low - I didn't notice until she mentioned it.  I never imagined her being perceived as anything but female. 

If a cis-gender woman is accidentally or intentionally misgendered buying fries or a car, how should she respond.  Give up and stay home?  Change her appearance to match the expectations of random narrow minded people?  Compared to cis-gender, how should a transgender woman respond to the same situation?

If a person gives up something they desire so they can fit the expectations of random narrow minded people, will they thank her or even care?   That is the one thing I can guarantee: they don't care. 

People who have proven they don't give a damn about you have no right to decide for you.  You should be who you want to be.

Awesome post Kendra! That adds some good perspective to a big issue!

[warlockmaker]

I guess living in USA it matters that you pass for many reasons...safety, fear of embarassment etc. I cannot imagine living with these real or imaginary fears. I am blessed to live in a society that no one cares or notices. In Thailand the only ones that look twice are the tourists. So I get to be whom I want to be...and I have chosen to be part of the 3rd gender here, some days very female, others more androgenous. We in Thailand  are proud to be who we are.

[eyesk8rboi]

Hi loves,

I have always feared, in a way, going out as me since I am masculine after having let my maleness be who I was, until  at this late time in life I am being driven internally to find out and to live as I have always wanted to, as a woman, and the call for this is so strong I am finding a need to investigate where  it will lead.  I was talking to a good (non-binary) friend and they stated that the new thing is not to necessarily try to pass as a cis female, but just be who you end up being; who you are!  Is this true? I am not sure that will satisfy me as I have built up this image of passing as a woman - it may be tough for me to do!

I guess I am just confused, I know what I have always believed, and I know who I am, but this is something new to me and seems more social than internal?  Am I mixing up a lot of things in this one? 

What is your experience with this?

Love and Hugs, Marcie

Hi Marcie, as an FTM I don't know how much insight I'll be able to have on your exact situation, but I definitely know where you're coming from.

Even without the dysphoria, it's very important to just be who you are.
I, personally, have always tried to put forth this mask that makes me seem "normal"-ish, but as of recently I hit this wall where I am like....I am going to be weird and be myself and if someone doesn't like it then I don't need them in my life.

That aside, I think it really depends on the person in this kind of case.
I personally would rather pass, in addition to being myself... If that makes sense?

I am very feminine in figure...I have child-birthing hips, a fat ass and a small waist so passing is extremely hard, especially being pre-HRT....No matter how masculine I dress or act, I am always mis-gendered, generally by strangers, so although it bothers me, I don't let it get my angry, but it does get me down.

Then in addition I am always in makeup stores, etc, because my best friend is SUPER girly....Even though I dress and carry myself masculine everyone just assumes I'm a lesbian rather than a male, even with my chest bound.

I would much rather pass as an effeminate male than a masculine lesbian...but unfortunately passing has never been my forte.

You could play around with both if you're unsure, but if you're more concerned with passing, you do you! Happy trails and good luck! 

[RobynD]

These sort of introspective questions we ask ourselves, i find interesting. We form our self-view and attitudes early but often we reform them or change. The reasons for our attitude motivations are sort of irrelevant because they are ours and driving forces in our lives.

Personally i want to be me. Would i like to be the most beautiful woman since cleopatra and launch a 1000 electric vehicles (just updating that a bit), yeah i think i could handle the positives and negatives of that. Being clocked, stared at, double-taked and on the receiving end of micro-aggressions can be really tiring and then of course we see the rest women of the world seemingly not have to deal with any of that. But everyone has their issues to deal with.

My wife and my boyfriend (disclaimer: open marriage don't judge ) once came up with similar answers to this and independently. I was mentioning to both how important it is for me to continue to get more feminine, skinnier whatever and their response was basically: "You are Robyn we love you because of the whole of you and your feminine looks are only part of that" That is pretty cool.

Still, that does keep me from trying to push further in my looks. I probably blend in 80% of the time, but there are many days i just don't feel like wearing much makeup and feel like being a tomboy and that is part of me too.