Advice/support/anything for a lesbian falling for transitioning her FTM ex?

[lezzilori]

Hello everyone! I apologize ahead of time for how long this will be but I don't have anyone to reach out to who can offer me any real advice. All my friends and family are sympathetic but don't really understand. This is all very new to me but of the posts I've been reading this forum seems to be filled with welcoming and open minded people and I could definitely use some of that right now.

So I have always been a lesbian as long as I can remember and I've exclusively dated girls. My first love was this girl who was long distance and I was convinced I was going to marry her. Eventually we broke up amicably so that we could experience life and other relationships while living so far away (we first started dating Freshman year of high school so we were basically still children, and dated for 3 years before deciding to separate for college). We have stayed friends and have both had several serious relationships since but I think at the end of the day both of us will always love each other and there's always been this unspoken expectation that one day circumstance or whatever will bring us back together when it's actually possible for us to live in the same state.

So fast forward to almost 10 years since we broke up and we have recently been catching up for the first time in several years and almost immediately it was obvious that all those feelings are still there. Of course things have changed but we've never stopped loving each other.

Yesterday she told me that she is transitioning (from here on I will refer to her as him/he) to male and goes by a male version of his name. The two of us were always very open and honest with each other so I always knew he was male at heart and I knew he would transition when he was ready, even in high school so this didn't really come as a shock. I'm not confused about him, I'm confused about myself. I have experimented with males in the past and have never enjoyed myself and have always been grossed out by male genitalia and the male form. I am so turned on by the female form and the male form does nothing for me and I do not enjoy sexual interactions with males at all. But I can't deny the feelings that I have for him and even today I could see a life for myself with him but then I question what I would be giving up and whether or not I would ever be able to truly enjoy the intimate aspects of a relationship as much as I would with a woman.

I've never been the type of person to fall in love with looks and I've always known that he was a man at heart so then it should be obvious to me that I already fell in love with a man so clearly I'm not fully a lesbian, and yet when we dated he had the body of a woman and I was very attracted to that. I feel like I'm rambling now but I'm just very confused as to what to feel or think and I could really use any advice anyone has to offer.

(For clarification he has already completed top surgery and has his bottom surgery scheduled and has been on hormones for several years now)

[Wednesday]

*scratches her head*

Im gonna try to help but I'm not sure if I'll be able to.

I question what I would be giving up and whether or not I would ever be able to truly enjoy the intimate aspects of a relationship as much as I would with a woman.

Given he has been on hormones for several years and already got top surgery, I would say that most physical changes already happened. Do you enjoy intimacy enough with him right now?

I assume if you just wanted intimacy with women outside the relationship you already had considered the possibility of an open relationship with him.

If you are wondering "what you would be giving up" if not breaking up with him, does that mean you consider an appealing option to look for a female partner that could fulfill you both intimately and emotionally?

Have you found on any other women (in the past, right now, or whenever) the kind of personality he's got and that would be fully compatible with yours?

Do you think if you had met him phyisically as a guy for the first time you met as children, there could be any possibilty of developing romantical feelings towards him?

[Jacqueline]

lezzilori,

Welcome to the site. Sorry this is so late getting to you.

Tough situation. You may have cleared it up by now. You did say the you think you two have always been in love. You also said that looks are not what do it for you. What if it's the person and not the physical package. You would still have to work out many other aspects. Is he interested and willing. You could either be practical and move on; or could be romantic and rush into each others arms; or you could be both. You could talk about getting back together. However, make a list of pros/cons and a deadline. Love rarely follows logical thought though. Good luck.

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[Sophia Sage]

I've never been the type of person to fall in love with looks and I've always known that he was a man at heart so then it should be obvious to me that I already fell in love with a man so clearly I'm not fully a lesbian, and yet when we dated he had the body of a woman and I was very attracted to that. I feel like I'm rambling now but I'm just very confused as to what to feel or think and I could really use any advice anyone has to offer.

You're gonna feel what you're gonna feel!  And maybe those feelings will surprise you.  There's not any particular way you're supposed to feel about this, and your feelings may change quite a bit before settling somewhere, if anywhere.

All you can do is just give it a try, right?  Don't worry about whether you'll be attracted to his changing future body or not -- you won't know unless you're in the midst of it, until you're experiencing it.  Maybe you'll discover that you still find him arousing -- or that you just aren't aroused as you used to be.  Your body will tell you.  That's generally how it works.  Only once you know one way or the other can you really think about making commitments.  In the meantime, you'll have ambiguity and uncertainty. What a great crucible for self-exploration and transformation.

What I do know is that real love doesn't come around very often, so give it a fair shot, and if it doesn't work it's not for a lack of trying, right?  Not all loving relationships make it, yeah, but me, I don't want to regret opportunities lost because they weren't even taken in the first place.  And regardless of how it turns out, you'll know something about yourselves one way or the other.