Quote from: Claudia92 on June 23, 2017, 12:59:22 AM
Hello everyone, it's Claudia
So it's been three weeks since I finally came to terms with my self that I am Trans and want to transition. I find the more days pass, the more I want to tell the world who I really am! I have not dared come out to anyone one outside of this amazing community. Yet I am so afraid, I am low income and living with family so as of right now I feel theres too much for me to lose.
But that's not really what I want to talk about,. Since I have stopped lying to my self, I find I have a little more peace in the day and I am a little bit happier (though it just with my self and not my current outwardly form) and yet I also found I am so much more dysphoric with my body.
Not to go into too much detail, but I looked down the other day and I had a total disconnect with parts of my body. Touching my self down there just felt numb, not "right". I was so saddened at that moment, that I was different on the out side from what I felt on the inside. Then I had a realization, was I really so fearful beforehand of who I am, that I suppressed so much more of the real me?
I know so much about the hobbies I love, yet I now feel that I am so young, naive, ignorant with my self. All I know is I want to talk with a therapist, in hopes I can start my transition as soon as I can. When money and bravery allows 
Has anyone else been through similar?
In anycase, I again want to thank everyone here for being totally awesome and helping me find my self. And for giving me warm welcomes to my introduction post. :-)
Lots of Love, Claudia 
Hey Claudia! I super relate with all of this....so much so that it almost hurts. My wave of masculinity have come and gone...It always comes back with a vengeance...
I know it sounds crazy but after ONE therapy session I was so much more at ease...I've been happy, I've been comfortable, I've been able to think clearly and I realized that transitioning is truly what I want. I don't expect it to be that way for everyone, but it was just such an amazing session.
I am able to look back and find clues of dysphoria that where there far before my first "masculine" phase and I was able to deduce why I've been so scared of not being feminine / why I push the masculine phases away to the recess of my mind and force myself to become feminine.
That being said! Inner peace is definitely something to congratulate.
If coming out harms your living situations and you do not have any back up support, I would be extremely careful! I know that it's hard to force yourself to be something you're not just to appease others, but even if I'm a stranger on the internet I don't want you ended up homeless or something.
It's so frustrating wanting to come out though and just not knowing what to do.
I want to tell my parents SO bad, but I'm also so afraid of their reaction that I don't want to....
I also want to just get it over with so I can start being me!
I get the lower dysphoria thing...it took my quite some time to figure out why I am such a sexual person in my mind but not so much physically and why I have some "performance issues" .....is that a thing for biological females? Is that the right wording? (I just don't want to be too graphic.)
Some therapists actually offer scaling pay. If you don't have insurance, they don't take your insurance or you are low-income they usually offer scale pay by your yearly gross salary per session.
I have mental health through my insurance at work but the lady I see only charged $65 a session for people in my salary range - $40,000 a year.....It might be worth looking into to see if there's any transgender therapy or counseling in your area with this kind of payment system, even if you actually got a higher paying job or had some extra money saved up it'll probably be best to find someone who does scale charging, that way you can put back more for HRT in case you ever decide to go through with that.
Anyway! Congrats and welcome! I hope you find all the resources and support you need.
