How do you cope with rejection?

[cookielover77]

Hi,

as described here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224720.new.html#new, I liked a girl. I still do. She initiated contact and we've been texting for longer than a month. We also saw each other and had a lot of fun and agreed on a new outing.

I still wasn't ready to tell her I was trans, but I decided to do it because she mentioned she would be really happy if we would be friends. So, I told her everything. She likes me as a person but is heterosexual. Although, she was really nice and said she still wants me in her life and that she won't allow me to shut down.

Now, my question is - how do you cope with the feeling that you always get turned down only because of your physical appearance, because of your body? Because it's clear that the other person loves everything about you as a person.

This is the most difficult thing for me. I am trans and I currently feel that my only solution for all of my problems is going through hormone therapy and surgery (although I'm scared to go through the procedure because I have some other health problems). On the other hand, being turned down because of my body breaks my heart! ☹️

I just feel that if I was born as a man which I am, I would have it all and I would find my peace.

How do you cope with it?

[JMJW]

As someone socialized male for a very long time, I will say the first thing you want to do is drop the idea that women are rejecting you because of your body. If Hugh Heffner has harems of women a third of his age, If Donald Trump has a woman half his age, if Danny Devito can get a woman then appearance can't be that much of a dealbreaker from the female perspective.

It isn't much to do with success either, as how else do you explain these gangbangers and bad boys getting woman after woman.

The common factor in those two is inflated confidence. Money gives confidence, being a thug jerk = confidence. Being a jock = confidence.

Welcome to manhood, where  rejection is  common. The first step in adjusting is to stop thinking your body is at fault.

[cookielover77]

Thanks for your comment.

Since I do have a female body, she can't associate sexually with me even though I'm trans. She said herself she really really likes me as a person and that we have a strong connection. But as she is heterosexual she doesn't see me as a fit partner. And this is what happend to me when it gets to everybody I ever liked.

Basically, I am just living in dreams that someone will really like me as a person and that my body won't be the problem. I don't know, maybe that only happens in the movies. I don't have that luck.

As someone socialized male for a very long time, I will say the first thing you want to do is drop the idea that women are rejecting you because of your body. If Hugh Heffner has harems of women a third of his age, If Donald Trump has a woman half his age, if Danny Devito can get a woman then appearance can't be that much of a dealbreaker from the female perspective.

It isn't much to do with success either, as how else do you explain these gangbangers and bad boys getting woman after woman.

The common factor in those two is inflated confidence. Money gives confidence, being a thug jerk = confidence. Being a jock = confidence.

Welcome to manhood, where  rejection is  common. The first step in adjusting is to stop thinking your body is at fault.

[elkie-t]

Some people are just not meant to be partners. Don't fall into a trap of chasing her the rest of your life. If you want to be friends with, be friends, but just look for a partner elsewhere


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[MissKairi]

To answer your question...bad
I take rejection really ->-bleeped-<-ing hard
In addition I do not like banter at my expense. I will happily take the pee out of myself but if someone else does, boy gee the anger.

As for this girl, stay friends. You seem to like her but understand itll go no further.
I have a few GG friends I was very attracted to but now see more like sister

[cookielover77]

Thanks for your comments and support!

I'll take some time apart from communicating her. I really like her as a person, but I don't know if I can be around her without being it weird.

How can you be just friends if you want to kiss her so badly? Or without thinking about her?

Of course, I can control myself, but it seems to me it might be a problem for me.

[MissKairi]

If you like her that much then you will be her friend and suffer for it
Just continue to make her happy and yes it will be hard but supress it. If she changes her mind you will know

[cookielover77]

Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again 😐

If you like her that much then you will be her friend and suffer for it
Just continue to make her happy and yes it will be hard but supress it. If she changes her mind you will know

[RobynD]

Both guys and girls change their minds about physical attraction yes, but its hard to justify waiting around for that hope. Instead enjoy her friendship. One of the best ways to get over rejection is to find someone else and i know that is not that easy but the search is sort of fun in and of itself.

Things may be a little weird with her for just a bit, but that will pass.

[ds1987]

As someone who has been rejected frequently by gay men because of my body, I've gotten used to reading cues before even expressing interest.  But attraction in the gay world is so polluted and off-putting, I've been mostly asexual for a couple years.

As to rejection from a woman to a man, I don't know what to say.  But I do know that I have female friends who get sad when friendships end because a guy can't just put aside their attraction and be friends. 

As to the changing of minds, I've had that happen too, but I've always been defensive and assumed that it was insulting.  But that's a defense mechanism of mine, so it shouldn't be ascribed to anyone else.  Going with the flow is so easy to talk about, but actually doing that can be nervewracking

[MissKairi]

Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again 

sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I agree with Robyn. Do not wait for it because it may neer happen.

Take a step back and think do you really want to lose someone so important because you cant date them?

[cookielover77]

I don't want to lose her. I'll try to stay back for a while. I don't know what else to do.

sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I agree with Robyn. Do not wait for it because it may neer happen.

Take a step back and think do you really want to lose someone so important because you cant date them?

[cookielover77]

Thanks for your lovely comment.

It's not easy for me to find somebody else because I am always looking for that connection to happen. It happend with her.
I don't have friends really and I am a closed person, I don't open easily.

Both guys and girls change their minds about physical attraction yes, but its hard to justify waiting around for that hope. Instead enjoy her friendship. One of the best ways to get over rejection is to find someone else and i know that is not that easy but the search is sort of fun in and of itself.

Things may be a little weird with her for just a bit, but that will pass.

[cookielover77]

Thanks for commenting.

Yes, I was also looking for clues and here there are:

- she initiated first contact
- she loved to text me all day long
- she texted with me for a month, said she was totally open for meeting me
- she had this special glare in her eyes when she was talking to me
- she was really listening me and wanted to know everything about me
- we started texting on a daily basis, for hours!
- she would text me to say something she thought was funny
- she was really looking forward to our second outing (I don't know if this should happen because it's scheduled for next Friday)

As someone who has been rejected frequently by gay men because of my body, I've gotten used to reading cues before even expressing interest.  But attraction in the gay world is so polluted and off-putting, I've been mostly asexual for a couple years.

As to rejection from a woman to a man, I don't know what to say.  But I do know that I have female friends who get sad when friendships end because a guy can't just put aside their attraction and be friends. 

As to the changing of minds, I've had that happen too, but I've always been defensive and assumed that it was insulting.  But that's a defense mechanism of mine, so it shouldn't be ascribed to anyone else.  Going with the flow is so easy to talk about, but actually doing that can be nervewracking

[CarlyMcx]

Do girls really change their mind about stuff like this? Unfortunately I don't have any real experience, just rejections. That's why it's really bothering me. I suffered a lot. And everybody broke my heart. I don't know if I can handle it again 😐

You know, its funny how good looking the trans guys I know became once I got enough estrogen in my system. Hormones can do some pretty amazing things.  My guess is, if you get enough testosterone going on, then yes, this girl might change her mind -- and that may be why she is keeping you in the friend zone instead of just telling you to go away.

But then you end up in the same mental place as an overweight person who gets the girl because they lost a lot of weight -- "Do I really want to be with a person who literally conditioned the relationship on my appearance?"

I would say work hard on becoming yourself, and wait for someone to love you because you are you.  It will happen, and you will be much happier for it.

[cookielover77]

Thanks Carly - I really agree with your last sentence.

I'm just a little bit worried since I'll be 30 this year and I've never experienced love.  I'm just so sick od my own body, my mind can't handle it any more. I am also really emotional and just furious I always end up sad and pissed because nobody can ever love me as a person. And that hurts every time.

I already look more masculine, actually masculine with a baby face, because I have more testosterone in me then neccesary (just a way I was born).

And yes, I don't wanna be with a person that conditions the relationship on my appearance.

You know, its funny how good looking the trans guys I know became once I got enough estrogen in my system. Hormones can do some pretty amazing things.  My guess is, if you get enough testosterone going on, then yes, this girl might change her mind -- and that may be why she is keeping you in the friend zone instead of just telling you to go away.

But then you end up in the same mental place as an overweight person who gets the girl because they lost a lot of weight -- "Do I really want to be with a person who literally conditioned the relationship on my appearance?"

I would say work hard on becoming yourself, and wait for someone to love you because you are you.  It will happen, and you will be much happier for it.

[Corastrasza]

I know how you feel.. Awhile back I kinda fell for this super cute trans girl I had met. She lived about an hour away from me but I didn't mind driving. Safe to say I was going kind of mad over her. Then we didn't talk for a bit since I left for Wisconsin for a couple weeks. Our relationship was nothing exclusive but I was still almost shocked to know she was dating a cis girl by the time I got back. I felt, what I can only really explain as heartbroken.. I never felt quite that bad emotionally in my life, excluding death of loved ones. The best way I have found to cope is to reach out to anyone who cares and will listen I could give you a much longer list of unhealthy ways I've tried to cope (drugs, alcohol, etc.) but they don't work. Trust me.

[TransAm]

Man, that sounds a whole hell of a lot like my high school experience.
Pre-everything me + hot girl I had a huge crush on that gave me weird signals = 'sorry, I'm just not that way'.

It's just one of those things, man. You move on.
I will say that, if you plan to start, HRT will change a lot. There are a ton of women out there who are looking for a good man, bits be ******.
IE: they're a lot less likely to reject you if they're looking for a man and you visually/mentally are one. As my slightly bi but more interested in men/masculinity fiancée says, "Penises are pretty unimpressive 95% of the time anyway". It's not a make or break for as many women as you may think.

I know it sucks being pre-everything and looking out at the world like you're stuck in limbo, but it gets better. If this girl isn't into you, it's no big deal. The world is filled with women. Just be confident, keep your eyes forward and stay focused.

[cookielover77]

I'm sorry to hear that! I hope you feel better now!

I know how you feel.. Awhile back I kinda fell for this super cute trans girl I had met. She lived about an hour away from me but I didn't mind driving. Safe to say I was going kind of mad over her. Then we didn't talk for a bit since I left for Wisconsin for a couple weeks. Our relationship was nothing exclusive but I was still almost shocked to know she was dating a cis girl by the time I got back. I felt, what I can only really explain as heartbroken.. I never felt quite that bad emotionally in my life, excluding death of loved ones. The best way I have found to cope is to reach out to anyone who cares and will listen I could give you a much longer list of unhealthy ways I've tried to cope (drugs, alcohol, etc.) but they don't work. Trust me.

[cookielover77]

Well yeah it sounds like that totally, she was giving me a lot of signs and she was showing me she cares. That is also one thing I dont understand. Why did she just text with me for so long for hours and was totally digging me asking her out if she wasnt interested? And I was showing her some signs I like her so it was pretty obvious.

Yes, its perfectly clear to me I have to transition. It will always be like this if I dont transition. And it doesnt help I live in a small stick up country where people dont understand ->-bleeped-<-. Just makes everything a little bit worse.

Man, that sounds a whole hell of a lot like my high school experience.
Pre-everything me + hot girl I had a huge crush on that gave me weird signals = 'sorry, I'm just not that way'.

It's just one of those things, man. You move on.
I will say that, if you plan to start, HRT will change a lot. There are a ton of women out there who are looking for a good man, bits be ******.
IE: they're a lot less likely to reject you if they're looking for a man and you visually/mentally are one. As my slightly bi but more interested in men/masculinity fiancée says, "Penises are pretty unimpressive 95% of the time anyway". It's not a make or break for as many women as you may think.

I know it sucks being pre-everything and looking out at the world like you're stuck in limbo, but it gets better. If this girl isn't into you, it's no big deal. The world is filled with women. Just be confident, keep your eyes forward and stay focused.