Life's catch 22 again

[josie76]

so I've posted about bits of my life here and there but things in my marriage are going more downhill the better I start to feel.

For those who don't know I'm married to a cis woman. We have 2 beautiful daughters ages 6 and 8. My daughters are my babies as much as they are hers. I have been an equal caretaker of them from the moment they entered this world. I love them more than anything. In fact in my deepest despair they are my one reason to cling to existence.

My wife has moved about an hour and a half away to near the school she is going to in the fall. She has herself setup well. She is bipolar and has qualified for work rehab to pay for school and low income housing. She has an apartment in a county owned duplex. She is trying to get back on social security which she was once qualified for as a permanent disability.

Our house is located a hour from St Louis. All of my medical support for transition is near there. My regular doctor, endocrinologist, therapist, psychiatrist, and the only local group that meets every week.

Since coming to terms with myself she has been back and forth with me. Seems in the last few months I can count on three phases. One, she wants me near, two she's ambivalent to my very existence, three she is angry and hateful very often getting to the point of being mean. You know I get it, she wanted to marry a guy. She has always had expectations of what a man should be. I never met these expectations. In the decade we have been married I made every effort to be more of what she said she wanted. Nothing about it was ever natural for me which makes perfect sense now.

Wednesday night at 6 when she had to know I was heading out the door to go to the group, she called. The conversation was so bad I could not go. I ended up feeling guilted into driving down to her apartment for the night. Thursday morning it seemed everything was ok. I told her I was going back to the farmhouse that night. Later she called with questions that led to hurt feelings. She wanted, expected me to decide to drive back to her place. She later said she wanted to feel like she was important. This was after she posted something on Facebook aimed directly at me.

Anyway she has been wanting a guarantee. At first she just wanted to know that I could eventually leave the family farm where we built our house. I told her it was a possibility. Now she wants a date when I will move with her. She pushed me last night till I was crying. I know she has a habit of pushing until a person gives. Last night I just broke. I hung the phone up on her and cried myself to sleep. Later at night she sent a long drawn out text apologizing for all the hurts she caused and then deleted her Facebook account. I think my marriage is over this time for real. Every time she said she was leaving before I begged her to stay. Somehow I think last night was another "chase me" moment. I just have nothing left in me. Last night my kids were my only reason to think the morning could be different.

Today I'm lost in the abyss.

[Michelle_P]

Josie, I'm sorry you are going through this. 

It sounds like your wife is trying to process your being trans along with a bunch of other issues related to her school, housing and being bipolar.  She's going to have some pretty intense needs, probably not fully thought out, that are putting some tough demands on you.

About the only thing I can think of is to try and find a support group for spouses of bipolar persons, to perhaps help you in processing her ways of thinking and expressing herself.  Would you really be happy leaving the farmhouse and moving into that duplex with her?  Will that close proximity help her?  Will it help you, or expose you to harm?

[Dan]

Hang in there, there's a parachute attached to you, even though it might feel like free fall at the moment.

[josie76]

Today we are better again. We had a long talk. For now she is understanding why I need small steps in transition. She wants to jump toward the "new" life. That is she wants to close the door on our old life and open a new. She saw my hesitation as not wanting to be with her. She is still dealing with feelings that our history was not reality now. She said that being with me had finally made her think some guys were different than she saw all guys being. I guess now that is explainable since my brain was never really male.

If she can keep this talk in her memory we might be alright for a while. Sometimes she looses things in her own stress.

[kat69]

It's all very difficult for all parties to process.  I too have been through issues with memory, and my wife has had her own struggles.  We can't always separate out what we remember as real and what we wished was real. 

I can say that as you and those around you progress on the journey, everyone will need to do a lot of forgiving and accepting.  I don't believe it's in anyone's best interest to carry around issues until they explode. 

[josie76]

More downs and ups but for now we seem OK. I have been at the farm with the kids this weekend so at first she got way depressed but didn't get angry this time. The girls and I are going to head to her apartment later today. Tomorrow I have to come back here for work reasons and my therapist on Wednesday.

This last weekend with my kids has been good. We have been cleaning the house some. They managed to finally get their room cleaned after 2 days. I finally got the living room straightened and cleaned. With us moving stuff to my wife's apartment our house was more like a storage shed for a while. The kids helped me decide on rearranging the living room. We had fun. Yesterday my big brother drove down from St. Louis. For a while we all visited at my grandparents next door. Later my mom and he came over and had pizza with myself and the kids. It was awesome to have a chance to talk with my big brother one on one. He has lived away from the farm since going to college. Despite our history of fighting over toys as kids and the very little we spoke except at family gatherings, I have always felt he was there if I ever needed him. I told him so yesterday.

Actually I told him a lot. He was the third person I told that I am transgender. At the time he was flat out shocked. Always accepting but after that call my wife and kids went to visit him the next day. This was the only time I ever really tried to be fully dressed and pass, makeup wig and all. Even knowing what I had told him the day before he was stunned by my walking up in all fem attire to their house. His boyfriend/fiance was way less shocked but also said he never had a clue.
So yesterday I got to talk with him at length. He got to see the real me relaxed in my home. A pair of jean shorts and a plain but really comfy form fitted tee shirt. I talked about my process, about my deep memories from childhood, even my instinctual desires for children. I told him about how I have never been able to understand groups of guys, like never fit in or get why they do what they do. He did say gay guys don't get regular guys either. I thought that was funny. On the other hand he doesn't feel comfortable in groups of just women either. Me on the other hand, when I get included, get a feeling of happy from being in "girl talk". Something my therapist and I talked about. She mentioned how spending time with her girlfriends leaves her feeling good. Its an oxytosen thing.
He was being a great brother. I went into way too much detail with feelings and such. Enough that he was "outside his element" so to speak. I also figured out we women will talk pretty openly about anything. I told him how I was happy about how my body was changing, smooth skin, way slowed down and fading color of my body hair, and how my boobs had grown. He then said, yes I kinda noticed that. To which I then said, but you really don't want to accidentally bump them, its almost like a ball kick. There it was  the "uncomfortable man look" in his face! I had to laugh when I saw it. He then said, "You're getting a bit too much pleasure from making me uncomfortable". I replied, "yes I am a bit". Some sibling things never change.

So he still finds some of these things strange. He said I had done such a good job of hiding myself that no-one in the family ever even suspected. He's adjusting to having a little sister. I just want to be able to spend more time with him and his soon to be husband. For years I have felt I missed my big brother. I'm finally freeing myself enough to find him again.


Something I've noticed recently, I am having a much easier time turning my thoughts into verbalization. I used to have this sort of disconnect where I thought one thing but turning it out into words was more difficult. Either my verbalization is improving or perhaps I am allowing myself to use a greater vocabulary? In much of my work and social history interacting with guys I did need to stifle my vocabulary. I didn't work with many geniuses. Words needed to be kept at a level where I did not see the glazed over look in the other person's eyes. Maybe that's all it is or HRT has helped me use my language brain centers better. Don't know? 

[Kendra]

Josie it's great to see things improving in many areas.  I can only imagine the challenges you're facing - you're handling everything the best way possible.  It is so awesome you have great kids and family that understands.  This isn't all easy but you are gaining the best of both worlds.  At this point I think only time will tell whether your marriage grows stronger or just isn't the best in the long run. 

If you haven't read "She's not there" by Jennifer Boylan I recommend it.  Jennifer married the love of her life and had two children when she was James, transitioned to Jennifer as an English professor at Colby College and continued to raise two young children.  Her story is so fun but also made me cry in a few places, reminds me of your story so far.  She has a sharp sense of humor which can be the best prescription in good and bad times.  If you don't have access and want to read it, send a PM and I'll mail the book to you.

All the best - you deserve it. 

[josie76]

Well things are in the toilet again tonight. But I'll start with the better part of today.

I went to the east side city (east of St. Louis but not East St Louis) dressed as myself today. I wore a form fit black tee with a pair of short rise tight jeans with flared leg. My tennis shoes. Only eye liner for makeup and my hair well, right now it does what it does.

Went to my therapist first thing in the morning. Had to run a prescription by a CVS pharmacy and wait for that to be filled. Made a few calls about laser hair removal for my facial hair. Talked to a dermatologist / gynecologist who does laser and went in for a consultation. Ended up getting a first treatment today across my whole face.  Having used an IPL on myself a few months back many times I found the laser pretty tame. The IPL helped by thinning the hairs on my cheeks and neck quite a bit. The thick areas left around the chin did hurt a bit. My chin is swollen tonight.

So then I spoke to my SO on the phone. When I told her I had gotten a laser facial appointment today, well I was told how selfish I am. We are seperated more than not right now. We have not been getting along for more than a day at a time. Tonight I was supposed to go to her apartment and watch the kids while she had a CPR class. That didn't happen. She didn't want me down there. Then she started some texts. Then the call. She wanted to issue me an ultimatum. She said it wasn't but she also texted me that my decision tonight was the final decision? During the call she pushed until I dropped the phone on the floor and went into the bedroom crying. I don't know, maybe 5-10 minutes later I was able to pick the phone up again. My head was pounding by this point. I told her I cannot do this now. Then I went and sat in the shower until the water heater was out of hot water. Right now my head is still pounding but I'm almost over the shakes. Just another bad day ending. Oh yeh, didn't get to go to group tonight, again.

[Kendra]

Josie I am so sorry to hear your evening went this way.  I wish I could give you a hug right now.

[Cheaney]

Josie I've been reading your story and I'm sorry to hear you're having these roller coaster type days. Easier said than done but hang in there girl! Tomorrow is another day! I feel like my story might start to sound similar once I start telling family.

Vicki

[josie76]

Thanks both of you. Kendra your virtual hug still made me feel better.

Last night things went bad again. I worked late and had a 3 hour drive home. She called me and texted to say she told our kids I was coming to her apartment for the night. She knew I had never said that. After the night before I need some space to keep safe mentally and physically. What I didn't say about the night before is when I dropped the phone I was in such a self loathing state that I realized I was bumping my head with my fist like an autistic person while she made me feel desperate for an end.
So last night she calls again as I get into the drive at the house. She says the kids still think I'm coming and asks me what to do about it. I spoke my mind. I asked her why she thought that this situation she created needed me to fix it. Prior to that I had let out a sigh. How could I not. It was after 9pm, I had just pulled into the driveway, I am sore and covered in dirt and grease. I haven't had anything to eat yet, and she wants me to figure out how to deal with something she did? I was ready to try to drive the hour plus to her place but no way until I had a shower and clean clothes. Anyway hearing the sigh did it. She got mad and said that she would take care of it. I could tell it wasn't over.
So I get a shower and just get some pjs on. Time to tuck the kids in, she calls. Then while I'm on the line she tells the kids that she was wrong and it got too late for me to get there. They are disappointed. So I sing the song I have done for them almost every single night since they were babies and say good nights. Then she called again. This one turned quickly to how I am not wanting to commit to being with her in her place. I told her to stop before it got as bad as the night before did. She didn't and I hung up. She began texting.
So she is back to angry and hateful. She says I should have told her about these feelings from the beginning. How does a person trying to be a man admit these things? When I had convinced myself that I was a guy and that not all guys acted like her expectations. I told her more than once when I was broken down, that she had expectations of a MAN that I could never meet. I mean even as a guy why was I not good enough for her? Why does a guy have to be overtly sexual at all times? Why does a guy have to want sex anywhere anytime? I never had from the beginning. Back then it was something she later said she worked around but why did I have to change to be "good enough of a man"?

So I get her feelings of loss of a man she never even had to begin with. I also understand why she thinks I'm an >-bleeped-< now. Before I was overly accommodating. She always felt like I was too busy working for her but when she wanted something she got it. Today her unconscious manipulation get rejected more than not. I speak up for myself when I feel she crosses a line. In the past we would have "talks" which were her complaint sessions sometimes lasting hours. She would let me know what she didn't feel was right, until I was broken down and often in tears. Our whole relationship I was afraid to speak back most of the time. For her the threat of leaving was far too easy to walk to. Now that threat doesn't have its power over me. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I want mental peace far more than love now.

Later today we have to meetup with a lawyer and the regional bankruptcy trustee. We are broke from credit cards. She has decided she will not reaffirm on any of our loans including the home mortgage. What she really wished is that I would walk away from everything too, which would mean my family as well in many ways. This is not going to be a good day.


A whole other subject, I figured out yesterday I have the strength and endurance of a 40 year old woman now. While generally not a bad thing, for my job it is an issue. Sometimes I have to do "heavy" work. Yesterday was one of those days. It required beating a large pin out of a machine suspension. I couldn't do it. 4-5 swings of the sledge hammer and I was exhausted, sweating profusely, and weakened to the point of needing to sit down. I had to go ask for help from the machine operator. So the men took turns driving out stuck pins for me. It's a strange thing when I have been a do it myself girl my whole life. The men seem to treat me differently. They still call me he/him but subconsciously they see the change. One guy put his hand on my shoulder. Then later, with the truck engine running, he happened to come up to where I was looking for a tool in the side of the bed. When he spoke it started me. In the moment of laughing about being startled he put his hand on the small of my back. I pulled away within about a second. Then there was the part time help there that creeped me out! So to preface, I have wide hips which now after loosing all my upper body muscles are harder to hide than before. My shoulders aren't exactly wide either. When I am crouched down and working on something I know my hips and thighs do kind of stand out if you are looking anyway as does my chest now even with two layers. Every time I was working kind of reaching up or bent over I would see this dude right behind me. Like when I moved to another position, he would get behind me. It wasn't like he was just watching me work. When guys do that they don't move every time I do. This is the second time I have experienced this lately. Always been some guy I never met before. I get it, I'm definately not the shape of manliness, but so freaking weird. Do all girls get this feeling from guys?

Well it's early in the morning and I have to get ready to start another day in this crazy life. I not expecting the best today. Esp dialysis after the series of negative texts late through last night. Ehh 

[Kendra]

Josie you are handling this incredibly well.  I think part of what's happened is - the two of you were not equals in your marriage.  You were suppressing yourself under a blanket of dysphoria, and your wife subconsciously or internationally found it easier to push you around when you were wrapped up in that blanket.  And now you are learning how to free yourself from within and your wife doesn't like it when you assert yourself. 

Finances add a challenge but you will solve that.  In the long run it's just numbers although I know it can be stressful at times.  Your kids on the other hand - the quality time you are able to spend as they grow up is priceless and your situation there is far better than it could be.  Kids are so perceptive - when you do the right thing, they know even without a word being said.

Stay strong, as you have.  Be glad for what you have and where you are going.

[Michelle_P]

Josie, I'd have to agree with Kendra.  You really are handling this well, in spite of everything.

Unfortunately, you are right in the middle of the worst part of the process of coming out and becoming yourself, as old relationships become unsustainable and unreasonable demands on us exceed what we are capable of doing. 

I was where you are now a year ago, but had it much easier as I was retired, the kids were grown, and the finances were under control.  I could see the writing on the wall, as my ex and I couldn't agree on even my basic medical care, communications nearly stopped, and the 'house rules' and demands became steadily worse.  Once we had decided to go our separate ways my mental state immediately improved, with the removal of much of the distress I had felt.

I'm not going to advocate for any particular solution or path for you.  I just want you to know that this current state you are in, while bad, is temporary, and once a definite resolution decided and you are moving toward it, your distress will be reduced significantly.

[josie76]

Thanks Michelle. I do try to remember it is just a stage of life.

Today has gone better than expected. I forgot my SS card but the bankrupcy trustee took a copy the lawyer had made in their office as proof. Whew was all I could think. Otherwise we would be rescheduled further out. Its progressing as we expected. The trustee is not going out of her way to take everything she can like the lawyer says some of them do.

After court my wife and I had lunch together. The tenseness faded and we got along well. We both drove to her place as either way I was supposed to get the kids to take to the farm for the weekend. We had another long good talk. We may have a snowballs chance in hell yet. 

Only time will tell. So tomorrow we will each drive to the farm. She plans on being there untill Sunday night when she and the kids will drive back to her place. The kids have a dr appointment for school checkups Monday. The test may be when next week starts.

[josie76]

Well its been a bit since I wrote here.

Lets see, my SO did not drive back to the farm that weekend. But by Sunday she was texting me how she regretted us loosing the relationship we once had. The problem is we haven't been in that place for most of our marriage. Since the first lost pregnancy we had, things have been broken. I drove the kids back on Sunday and spent the night. Later in the week I ended up spending a few nights there between work jobs. Most of the time when I'm there things seem OK. but when I leave things go downhill quickly. She did tell me that she wanted to find a new sexual partner. That was something I was not surprised by. Seeing as how she is extremely sexual and really only feels affection through sex and I am nearly asexual right now. Sex has always been a problem for us as I never had the sex drive as a man that she expected from me. From my point of view a lot of our issues stem from what she expects verses what I really am. I'm sure see has different observations, its just my side of the story.

Wednesday I went to my therapist in the afternoon. I got a late day appointment so I could get to group in St. Louis that evening. This was only the third time I was able to go to group after trying a number of times. Funny how my wife called a few times in the afternoon that day. I don't think its a conscious thing but she seems to find a way to pick a fight every Wednesday. I managed to avoid any negativity this day though. Before heading out I got all dolled up for me anyway. Eyeliner, mascara, foundation, and a bit of color shading. It covers my shadow now much better. I had my favorite tennis shoes, a nice low rise pair of jeans with boot cut legs, and a black form fit tee. I felt good. Did my hair as best I could. I tried not to get it too wet in the shower as that makes the waviness impossible to tame when it drys. After group a bunch of the girls go to a coffee shop down in the Central West End area. Its totally trans and queer friendly. It was awesome hanging out. I got to know some of the girls better. The biggest thing I realized the next morning is that from the moment I parked my pickup on the street, I did not think about what other people would think of me. I was literally just me, just Josie all night. This was the first time I have ever walked down a sidewalk and not had some kind of anxiety about people. I got home after 12. I did talk to her on the phone afterwards. Nothing serious went wrong in that call either.

I woke up yesterday "happy" for the first time in I don't know how long. I took my time getting ready to drive for a work job. I almost forgot to take off my clear nail polish. So here's where things go badly. She calls while I'm driving. Starts out good. I told her I might drive down for the weekend if it rains here. She said she had planned on driving up to the farm. My response was "Oh". Well I often lack enthusiasm. The response was apparently supposed to be excitement. So next started the questions, the old passive aggressive patterns where I have no answer that can satisfy her hurt feelings over her expectations. This goes on. I tell her that I am feeling like I cannot meet her expectations. She says "you always say that" followed by a series of statements and negative leading questions that had no answer. I finally gave up. I said I couldn't do this right now and I needed some emotional space for safety's sake. There were a few texts mostly sent my way during the day.
In the afternoon I got a call from the urologist's office. I have been trying to see about an orchidectomy as I was doubtful of when I might ever save for GCS. Well my insurance was an absolute nothing and the self pay cost could pay for GCS in Thailand. The urologist actually would only charge $550 but the best estimate the could give to pay for the hospital OR and anestethia was $15000. I was crushed by this.

Today I am staying at home. I am reading an excellent book sent to me by Kendra. Thanks again  . I have to drive to the town my wife lives in this afternoon to pick up my kids for the weekend. That's it for now. Just trying to recover from this weeks insanity.

[Kendra]

> This was the first time I have ever walked down a sidewalk and not had some kind of anxiety about people.

Josie you nailed a major accomplishment!  I believe once you have experienced this, part of you has changed forever for the better. 

The negatives are unfortunate but you continue to handle all of this remarkably well.  I believe the situation with your SO will improve one way or another, and most importantly you are close to your children.  As for the bad news on potential cost of surgery, never say never - your situation (and insurance) may change. 

Please enjoy this weekend!  And when you can, go rock your dolled up look again.  You deserve to feel good. 

[Cheaney]

Yeah, my hats off to you Josie on how you are handling all of this. A lot of your relationship reminds me of a former gf I had. She loved to play all these manipulation/power games to get what she wanted. Just couldn't take it and the drama that came with it anymore even though I really loved her. Of course you having kids makes it a little different. You're doing a great job with all of it. Keep going through the hard times and savor the good times!

[josie76]

I appreciate the support. I really do.

My family has all been awesome about everything. My mom just wants her kids to be happy and we have been having a few mother daughter talks on weekends if I get the time. My older brother has that whole feeling protective of me now. My younger brother just plain could care less either way. My mother-in-law is great. Only thing is she has started to get critical of me just like she is of my wife. It's like to her I automatically switched to her daughter in law. My grandma just said she would always love me and that she wished I could have found someone to talk to about this along time ago and not suffered quietly for years. My grandpa, him I will never tell. I worked with him farming his farm for many years. He is old German and just would not get it. He is accepting of my older brothers boyfriend though as he knows it makes my brother happy. He is very forgetful now and most days cannot hear anything so he is often in his own world. He does look at me funny these days like he's not Shure if I am me or someone else. With earrings and longer hair, I get it. My stepson doesn't care and my daughters generally love the new me. My stepson told my cousin about me early on when they were working together. That bothered me some. My cousin said one of the mom's from the Catholic school our kids were at asked him one day about me being trans. He told his mom and brother I'm sure. The first family get together his older brother would not even look at me. The next one though he was talking to me again. His wife and my aunt interact differently with me now. They make a point to include me in the women's conversation. My uncle hasn't actually spoken to me since. Not that I see him all that often. Guys are just so much more weirded out by the whole idea of being trans.

So I have no idea how far the local small town rumor mill has run. Last winter I did go many times to the McD drive through with nail polish on. A couple of the school mom's did seem to avoid me while others do not at all. The dad's do but I never got to know any of them anyway. Our kids are going to go to the larger school in my wife's town this year so I have a whole new but distant church I have to find myself comfortable in somehow. I do not know how those people will take me. It is another hour plus further from the metro area. I can't say I'm comfortable there as I have not seen so many Baptist churches in one town except down in AR.

[josie76]

Kendra I finished the book. I don't know how to thank you enough!  Reading that really has given me hope. So many things she experienced in her relationship with her wife I have felt in mine. Parts of her story literally felt like my life in recent months. I hope my wife and I can reach the point that the author and hers have.


So again last week has been tumultuous. There was no anger this time. At one point I could not see how we could be a "couple" as she wanted. At least not right now. There has been way to much hurt and we both respond in codependent  ways to the other. She said she didn't think she could stand to be "sisters" or "friends". That seemed like it. There was nothing else to say except she said she could not stand to be around me in person for the time being. That we should exchange the kids through her mom. That was killer. I understood best I could. I drove home to the farmhouse trying not to cry too much as the kids were in the pickup right next to me.

A couple of days later she started texting me again. I had been posting song lyrics on FB that felt right to me. She asked what one in particular meant. It was lyrics from "Its not my Time" by 3 doors down. I told her the song just felt like where I was. Regretting the loss of our beginning, feeling pulled under by the current of life, but despite my fears I don't want to give up. She said she didn't either. She said she had been sorting her feelings and really wanted nothing but to spend her life with me. Even if sexuality is off the table for good.

We are back in good graces. God I so hope it stays like this. I don't know if I will ever be a sexual person. That has always been an issue for us, she is. I know I love her. I know I want to be with her. I just know I cannot take any more ups and downs right now for my own safety.

[Kendra]

Josie, people here - and you - have helped me so much, it's the least I can do. 

(In case anyone is curious and didn't spot it earlier in this thread, the book is She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan).

You and your wife might reach the same place or you might not, but knowing what others have experienced helps show what is possible.  Or you might head into a completely different, creative solution over time.  My fingers are crossed things work out for you.  It's more than luck - you have already handled so much, so well, I firmly believe you are going to succeed.