Terrified w/prospect of going to therapist as Sarah

[elkie-t]

You look very much like my best friend Esperanza, and she was an aspiration to me in many things. I'm happy to give it back to you or anyone else


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[SadieBlake]

Ahh, Sarah, I was graced for better or worse with well above average -- I didn't believe that until a gay friend with a lot of time in bath houses told me so. Alas, size is a very mixed blessing when you're fundamentally conflicted about using it. No worries for you though, my doc, not having seen what she was inverting on the morning of the surgery simply said if I came up short, I'd wake with an extra bandage on my thigh.

Anyhow, I'll be just leaving my session as you begin yours, hugs again and enjoy presenting as femme :-)

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi Girls!

Quick update: it happened!!! 🎆

Oh my! This was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life... The heartbeats just preceding my entry into the clinic... I felt a bit dizzy, but in a good kind of way.
When I entered, the receptionist, which was new, took note of my presence and then I sat in the waiting room. Then, comes the therapist... In the meantime comes the receptionist who had already seen me before as a male... They said "Good afternoon!" and nobody recognized me... lol Then the therapist calls my family name and... well... her face when she saw me! 😂 The receptionist who knew me was so embarrassed that she hadn't recognized me!

Anyways, I quickly entered the consultation room and the therapist was impressed and very pleased that I had taken the initiative of coming as Sarah (she then told me she was already planning on suggesting that I come as Sarah the next consultation...). The session went really well. We delineated the timing of my transition and I told her how I intend to come out at work. We also discussed the issues that hold me back the most (i.e. an ingrained deep sense of shame about presenting as a girl, that was taught to me since I was 4, and my obsession keeping a low profile and not being noticed ("I just want to be an average woman who blend with the whole group...").

Homework: coming out from the comfort of home in broad daylight! I am sure I'll be able to do it!

And then I had my consultation with the endo. Despite seeing me in the waiting room, he too didn't recognize me... He asked the receptionist about patient X (family name) and she pointed to me... Again, that looki in his face when he "got it"! 😂

Anyways, despite good levels under spiro, he changed me to Androcur (it's the antiandrogen usually prescribed in Belgium for MtF); I was taking the spiro on my own initiative and I was following the North American guidelines. I can't complain... At least I'll be taking the Androcur once a day in place of 3 with spiro. All went really smoothly.

And as if my day wasn't already good enough, just before I left the clinic, the receptionist who I knew approached me together with the new one and told me: "I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you... But I wanted to tell you something: we think you look really gorgeous! And we mean it!" They probably say that to many people but... well... I felt in paradise! Floating weeeeell above the clouds!

Thank you all for convincing me to do this! 😊

Peace & Hugs,
Sarah

Edit: minor formatting.

[Dena]

Two happy coming out stories today. That makes the work I put in on the site worth while. 

[elkie-t]

Remind me why you cannot spend most of your time as Sarah? I get it might be hard to come out at work, etc, but you can devote some time - each day when you're not busy, or at least each weekend (if there's nothing exceptional) to girls mode time. And during that time - no excuses for not doing what you need to do but dressed as a girl. After all, you're transitioning, you need to learn to function in your new gender and show your beautiful self to the people night and day


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[KathyLauren]

Way to go, Sarah!  Having the courage to present in public for the first time is awesome.  To be so gorgeous that no one recognizes you is a sweet bonus. 

[Sarah_P]

Yay for you Sarah!! That is so awesome!

[gv2002]

That was wonderful and makes me feel encouraged! Thank you [emoji4]


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[elkie-t]

The only people who cares about you, and the only one that can truly hurt are those dear to you. Others won't matter and won't care about your looks...


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[SadieBlake]

Sarah, as I left my therapy appointment and you were going into yours I was pondering being out dressed femme (iny context that means non-binary or not passing, take your choice) but how I look to others isn't the point.

Back when I was first exploringy my trans identity I went out dressed in public just a few times, it was always fun, sometimes scary. More often I'd go to private lgbt events dressed and I still do that, but far less often after I decided 15 years or so back not to pursue transition.

Now with the burden of a hard to hide <shenis> gone, I feel completely different about dressing in public, I still have to screw up my courage a bit but I *like* wearing the things that I forbade myself publicly and even denied myself in private. Aside from lingerie, I stopped wearing femme clothing at home -- what was the point? I wasn't transitioning, why allow myself something in private that I felt I couldn't wear in public.

I really am dressing just for myself, albeit certainly with an eye to an aesthetic I actually like and feel reads well.

Sarah, I take you for quite passable and still I can only imagine that going out to meet with someone who knows you in context of masculine presentation carries the same trepidation. We at Susan's can say you're entirely passable however you can't own that until that's validated in person for you as it was yesterday.

Ultimately, I'm dressing for myself, the main thing i care for in my presentation to others is that I have a competent approach to style, makeup etc *** and that I keep the effort going into it inside of reasonable bounds, about 15 minutes is my max investment on how I look for any given day. Most days it's < 5.

[tgirlamg]

Congrats Sarah!!!!!

It is wonderful to bear witness to that point in people's lives when the dark clouds part and the sun illuminates all the amazing possibilities that lay ahead!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley

[coldHeart]

Fantastic Sarah, I bet you feel on cloud nine.
Sara

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Remind me why you cannot spend most of your time as Sarah? I get it might be hard to come out at work, etc, but you can devote some time - each day when you're not busy, or at least each weekend (if there's nothing exceptional) to girls mode time. And during that time - no excuses for not doing what you need to do but dressed as a girl. After all, you're transitioning, you need to learn to function in your new gender and show your beautiful self to the people night and day


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Well, elkie, it's something I've been working on with the therapist: shame. 😳 Shame was the feeling that was implanted in me since that unforgettable day in the winter of 1976, when a little 4-year old boy began wearing girls clothes, not even knowing why he was doing (it just felt right) and was severely repressed and humiliated. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was forty years ago... It's the second oldest memory I can recall in my life (the first one being longing to wake-up with a body like my female teacher at kindergarten). So I've been carrying this shame (along with the real me, the girl, Sarah) since then, like a parasite. It's only recently that I began taking control of it and, as you may guess, it's really not an easy task, although I think I've been doing quite decently.

I already am Sarah full-time at home, with all my family (wife and two kids) having lovingly embraced my transition. This step, the other day, of going take a walk along the river Schelde and going to the therapy session "en femme" was, for me, a giant milestone. But I know it's only one of the many...

So... Tomorrow I am planning on going a little wilder and I'll driving to Antwerp, I'll take a long walk on the esplanade along the river and in the city center and will have lunch on one of the many open-air cafés. And it will be as Sarah... A more and more confident Sarah. A Sarah who will eventually let go of that cold winter day of 1976... When I think about all the wonderful voices on this forum, I feel a surge of courage. [emoji4]

I'll try to post a couple of pics of my adventure day in Antwerpen, if shame (grrrr...) doesn't hold me.

Peace & Hugs, Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

The only people who cares about you, and the only one that can truly hurt are those dear to you. Others won't matter and won't care about your looks...


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In a philosophical sense, Elkie, what you say is true. The whole world may fall apart, but if those dear to me stand by me, I'll be content... but we must reckon that this would be a very stoic perspective of life. Or would it? Well, we both know that an important part of us, individuals, longs for recognition and appreciation from the other human beings... It's really easy to hurt someone with words and even a simple look. I feel that that hypothetical 60-year old woman who's staring at me when I walk by her, as she was seeing a ghost, is probably not thinking the best of me... I don't know her and won't probably see her again in my life, but I must make a conscious effort to let it go, to ignore it. Because for me, it's not natural not to care...

I don't know if I'm being able to express myself, Elkie. [emoji53] But the fact that I was out as Sarah already means that I'm making progress... I'm just beginning to learn the art of ignoring the possible (inevitable?) depreciative looks and comments in my back. I feel that I'll get the touch in a not too distant future... 😉

Peace & Hugs, Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Sarah, as I left my therapy appointment and you were going into yours I was pondering being out dressed femme (iny context that means non-binary or not passing, take your choice) but how I look to others isn't the point.

Back when I was first exploringy my trans identity I went out dressed in public just a few times, it was always fun, sometimes scary. More often I'd go to private lgbt events dressed and I still do that, but far less often after I decided 15 years or so back not to pursue transition.

Now with the burden of a hard to hide <shenis> gone, I feel completely different about dressing in public, I still have to screw up my courage a bit but I *like* wearing the things that I forbade myself publicly and even denied myself in private. Aside from lingerie, I stopped wearing femme clothing at home -- what was the point? I wasn't transitioning, why allow myself something in private that I felt I couldn't wear in public.

I really am dressing just for myself, albeit certainly with an eye to an aesthetic I actually like and feel reads well.

Sarah, I take you for quite passable and still I can only imagine that going out to meet with someone who knows you in context of masculine presentation carries the same trepidation. We at Susan's can say you're entirely passable however you can't own that until that's validated in person for you as it was yesterday.

Ultimately, I'm dressing for myself, the main thing i care for in my presentation to others is that I have a competent approach to style, makeup etc *** and that I keep the effort going into it inside of reasonable bounds, about 15 minutes is my max investment on how I look for any given day. Most days it's < 5.

Ah, Sadie!... [emoji5] I understand what you mean. For me it has indeed been a big deal. I mean... Going, in a matter of 5 months, from totally seclusive about my gender issue to full-time at home and adventuring myself in the wild as femme is, well... Let's say that if, 6 months ago, you told me that this was going to happen, I would have said that you were totally cuckoo.

I'm still learning to ignore the look of others. Maybe they don't even look, I honestly don't know. But mind can be a bitch and keep telling me: "They are all looking at you! Shame! Shame! Shame!" [emoji23] I know that this is probably not the case... and I've been trying to fight this idiotic inner voice. And lately with some success, I'd dare to add...

Peace & Big Hugs, Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Fantastic Sarah, I bet you feel on cloud nine.
Sara

I have no words to express it. I guess I'd have to be a poet... It was one of the best moments in my life. And will for sure help me put finally a stone on other older and much less pleasant memories.

Big hug and congrats about your pic! [emoji4]

Sarah

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[KathyLauren]

I feel that that hypothetical 60-year old woman who's staring at me when I walk by her, as she was seeing a ghost, is probably not thinking the best of me...

Or she could be me, thinking about how beautiful you look.  Relax, it will be another great outing, and you will enjoy it.  Nothing beats being yourself.

[coldHeart]

Some times you just need that extra little push & your there living it breathing it & it feels so good.
As I find out this week I was so frightened of peoples reaction to me my mind also was screaming " their looking at you" but I never see a soul turn my way to look, no doubt they will at some point but we are all better than them so we will just carry on walking.
Keep it up Sarah.
Sara

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Or she could be me, thinking about how beautiful you look.  Relax, it will be another great outing, and you will enjoy it.  Nothing beats being yourself.

No doubt about that, Kathy! 😊 I've been looking at the glass half empty for too long. I must re-learn to look at it half full. I know I will feel another tidal wave of adrenaline... I know I will enjoy it... I must smile at all this, be confident.

Hugs, Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Update:

So I guess I started my assigned homework with the right foot. Today, for the first time in her life, Sarah left her comfort zone and ventured into the open world in broad daylight! Do you guess what happened to her?... Nothing. Lol That's right... Nobody insulted me. Nobody threw stones at me. Nobody made indelicate comments (at least that I could hear). Nope. To my great surprise, I felt I was one more common woman on this planet, like the dozens I came across along my 3-hour walk in the beautiful city of Antwerp, Belgium. Some people looked at me, but I suspect that it was my colorful headscarf that catched their attention, more than some oddity about my face. I went to an italian restaurant for dinner and the waiter nonchalantly greeted me with a "Goedenavond mevrouw. Taffel voor één?" I timidly smiled, nodded and answered in my most feminine voice "Ja, alstublieft.' I very slowly enjoyed my tagliatelle asparagi e scampi with a nice glass of cool Lambrusco bianco and finished with a velvety espresso. I felt that suddenly my life was in going slow-motion, with a inner sense of warmth, comfort, certainty, confidence... As I realized that, I smiled to myself and thought about that winter night in 1976 and how much I would have loved to go back in time and tell that little kid: "Don't worry darling... Don't cry... One day, it will all be over... You'll be a succesful member of society... You will save lives and alleviate suffering... And when you least expect it, you will become the beautiful woman that lives inside you and will feel no shame about it. Never stop to love yourself or give up believing in yourself, okay?"

[...] Sorry... I'm crying big time now... 😢 [...]

Ok, I'm back. So as you've guessed, this will become another landmark in my life. Thank you community. Thank you to all of you who read, who wrote, who smiled, who gave me hope. I love you! 👧

So this is how I went to the big city today. First shot at home and second in Antwerp.

Next challenge: going to the grocery store, which is located inside a shopping mall near home.

Peace and a myriad of gigantic hugs for everyone reading this!

Sarah

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