Terrified w/prospect of going to therapist as Sarah

[Sarah_P]

Yay Sarah!!  I could use that tummy/hip work myself!
I agree with Laurie, I like  your new avatar!

[sarah1972]

I can testify to this... my entire coming out / going full time was a matter 2 weeks and afterwards I was sitting at my therapist begging for hints what to do next... I was begging for the next adrenaline rush... I finally calmed down a little bit and I know the next steps. With family timing is a bit challenging and I have to postpone certain this longer than I want but I am moving along.

Glad to hear you are still moving full steam ahead :-)

Hugs Sarah

Thank you Laurie! You are always so sweet! And yes, after that first domino felt, things went pretty fast! [emoji28] So much that when they slow down, I become a bit anxious...

Big warm hug! [emoji134]
Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Hi Sarah,
Slow down?? Where? You are still going full speed ahead. It's the bureaucrats and doctors that are dragging their feet. Meanwhile you are doing  electrolysis and laser, pushing full time to the limits you can. Geeeeze girl it can't all happen overnight because although you're cute you aren't Cinderella going to the royal ball. It's going to time a few more days yet.  Your doing great Sarah.
Hugs, Laurie

I know, Laurie... I have to be more patient... I can't forget that things take their time. And anyways, I am still making little conquests almost every single day. Sometimes it's just finding out that applying my makeup in one way rather than another gives a nicer result... Buying new earrings... Discovering a new miracle primer for my skin... Being told by the laser lady that I'm getting quite impressive results on my beard... Waking up in the morning and finding it really hard to see my 5-o'clock shadow (it's still there, but much more difficult to see than a few months ago)... Having the FFS & tummy tuck + hip augmentation scheduled... Hearing my co-workers calling me Sarah... Taking the steps to have my name and gender officially changed...

Between the big milestones, I'm travelling along beautiful paths of cobblestones that I just have to take time to enjoy and admire. It's just that I went through so many major milestones in so little time that I feel almost numbed! [emoji4] Sometimes I need to take a deep breath... Tomorrow will be my first pilates lesson (it's given at my gender clinic and its declared purpose is to feminize body movements, posture, enhance fluidity) and I foresee that it will be very pleasant.

My wife also tells that I'm cute but I tend to not believe her because I think that she feels the obligation to please me. I was raised into being very self-conscious, self-critical and perfectionist... Sometimes I feel a little sad because I wonder what will be of myself if I'm never satisfied of how I look. I don't want to be very beautiful. I would be very content with being passable... the worst of it is not my passability in the eyes of others because I am resignated to the fact that for me 100% passability is not going to happen. What worries me is my passability in my own eyes. I wonder if the day will come when I look into the mirror and don't see myself as a woman in a male's body trying hard to look like a female (sometimes I feel that I'm quite succesful, but alas not always), but instead as a woman called Sarah, period. Am I expressing myself clearly?... [emoji54]

I've been working hard on this issue with the therapist and she suggested some tricks that I've been applying, so far with encouraging results. ☺

But don't get me wrong, Laurie... I am still MUCH happier than ever before my decision to transition! Just trying to smooth some edges along this somewhat rough path! [emoji6]

Oh BTW I forgot to tell you I really like the new avatar.
You're looking better all the time.

Thanks! [emoji4] I took the photo in the waiting room at the gender clinic in Antwerp, minutes before scheduling my FFS! [emoji10]

Big warm hug, Laurie!

Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

I am always checking on your new posts. Happy for you


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Thanks Elkie!

Did you know that I am ALWAYS very happy whenever I see a notification of a post from you? Thanks for being there... really! [emoji134]

Gigantic fluffy hug, Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Yay Sarah!!  I could use that tummy/hip work myself!
I agree with Laurie, I like  your new avatar!

Thanks Sarah! [emoji4] For the tummy/hip work, I'm still waiting for the quote from Dr. Doornaert. I hope I won't make an infarct when I see it... lol

Thousand Hugs, Sarah

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P.S. In the mean time I got the quote and it'll be €6480, all included. It's approximately what I already had in mind... There's the possibility to get a reimbursement of about €2500 because the abdominoplasty is happening after a >30kg weight loss, so it would effectively cost me about €4000. Not bad... [emoji849]

[Sarah.VanDistel]

I can testify to this... my entire coming out / going full time was a matter 2 weeks and afterwards I was sitting at my therapist begging for hints what to do next... I was begging for the next adrenaline rush... I finally calmed down a little bit and I know the next steps. With family timing is a bit challenging and I have to postpone certain this longer than I want but I am moving along.

Glad to hear you are still moving full steam ahead :-)

Hugs Sarah

Hi Sarah!

Yes... when things slow down a bit, the wait becomes a bit uncomfortable... lol

In my case, family is not the culprit (if it depended on them, I'd be having FFS and everything else right tomorrow) but the fact that it would be almost impossible at this time to schedule a 4-week leave from work on such a short notice; in the ED, our work schedule is already established until February 2018! And I really didn't want to disrupt the functioning of the Department. So now I have my leave guaranteed from 14/02 to 14/03/2018 to give me time to recover from the surgeries... but I'll have to wait until then!

Well... I'll try to give more attention and enjoy the little cute cobblestones along the path. The milestones will eventually come by! [emoji6]

Big vanilla & caramel-scented hug!

Sarah

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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Today I went to my first pilates session. Surprisingly, despite still being very shy when it comes to exposing my body (or its contour), I wasn't nervous at all in my sticky outfit (afterwise, my wife told me that I definitely no longer have a male contour anymore... that made me so happy). My wife decided to come with me, just to get an idea of what pilates is. There was only me, another participant and the instructor. They were both very nice... It was quite stimulating and I got to exercise many muscular groups that were since too long asleep - such as my abs! My tummy is burning! [emoji28] But afterwise I felt very relaxed and am looking very much forward to the next session. The movements are indeed very feminine, very fluid, and I anticipate that the work with the abs will help me a lot with my voice therapy also. All in all, a very positive experience and I'm glad I gained the courage to go for it!

Today I read an interesting article in a Flemish newspaper, with the title "Wat als papa vrouw wordt?" (which translates to "What if daddy became a woman?") and it goes through the experience of a family in which daddy effectively and succesfully transitions to woman. The family survives and even thrives with a renewed happiness... So far, it reflects very much my own experience and it made me happy to know that there are others, not so far from me... probably dozens! The publication of such an article also says a lot about the Flemish mentality towards LGBT matters... Openness, respect, honest attempt to explain the why's and the how's without prejudice. I'm very happy and proud to live in Flanders, Belgium. [emoji4]

Hugs, Sarah

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[elkie-t]

It would be interesting to hear your opinion after a few months of these exercises, if and how (with specific examples) they affect your figure, posture and movements.


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[elkie-t]

And if you ever feel a need for cardio - Zumba (based on dancing) might be a good one.


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[Sarah.VanDistel]

It would be interesting to hear your opinion after a few months of these exercises, if and how (with specific examples) they affect your figure, posture and movements.

That's a good idea, Elkie! I'll try to remain aware of the changes, although I suspect that some of them will occur in such a subtle manner that it'll be difficult to notice a clear-cut difference.

As cardio goes, I already bike a couple of times a week (nothing very intense, really just cardio level) and spend 40-60 min per day (3-4 days per week) on the treadmill (cardio level, enough to attain a steady heart frequency of around 125/min, which in my case means a speed of 4,5-5km/h). When weather allows, I just go walk outside, but as you may know, Belgium is well known for its rainy weather ) and having a treadmill is, therefore, a good idea. I've now been trying to elaborate a little daily routine for the Pilates classes, working especially the abs and hips, where I feel I have the greatest difficulties. I think I may consider something more "fun" in the future, such as Zumba, although I've never been too much of a fan of exercise to the rhythm of music... 

Big hug, Sarah

[Sarah.VanDistel]

I've not posted in a while simply because my daily life has been like watching paint drying. I certainly didn't have second thoughts about transition and I keep progressing, but as I previously wrote, I'm sitting a bit in the doldrums of it all.

I went to my endo and had my hormonal levels checked. To my surprise, he said that my results where very good and instead of switching me to some form of TD estradiol he advised to keep taking estradiol tablets sublingually. Although I find the sublingual route a bit annoying, because the tablets are not made for that and I must let them melt under the tongue for a good 30 minutes, this made me happy because it means that my levels have been probably be quite good since the very beginning of it all... cool.

On another note, I'm still living full time as Sarah, except for the situations where I have to give some prescription to a patient, which still must contain my male name. Both my psychologist and endocrinologist wholeheartedly endorsed my request to officially change my name so, hopefully, becoming officially Sarah will possibly still happen in 2017!

The relatively big news? I am at this moment in Heksinki for a 2-day refresher course in my medical specialty and... well... I decided I would make the trip as Sarah from begin to end. So there I went as Sarah (still trying to be as discrete as possible because I had no idea how things would go at the airport and how trans-safe was Helsinki) and it has been very thrilling, especially when I got to security check at the airport. I was very nervous inside, but I did not get any kind of problem whatsoever. I was really happy inside, during the flight... And, of course, I went to the first day of the course and nobody threw stones at me or had a laugh crisis while looking at me, so I guess it went fine. Am I passing most of the time? Probably not (yet). Am I worried about it? Yes, and that's why I'm counting the days till my FFS, but now it doesn't stop me from going out anymore. [emoji6]


Me inside the plane, en route from Brussels, Belgium to Helsinki, Finland.

So this is a bit of what's been going on with me... I sincerely hope that things have been going fine with you all, girls!

Big warm hugs to you all!

Sarah

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[Laurie]

Sarah I can't see what you were worried about. All I see in the picture is another woman on a plane. You did it and you did it well.

[elkie-t]

Glad to see your update as usual, and that your life goes well.

I can say that I still can see why you are still wanting that FFS, but your Current presentation obviously put you in female category. If I meet you on a plane, I'd definitely notice you, make a quick evaluation - think oh, this girl either has some military background, is maybe a butch lesbian, or diets too much, but I wouldn't question the girl part.

How is your hair growing? It's been quite some time, you might have enough length now to style it, no?


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[Sarah_P]

Great hearing from you Sarah! Sadly exciting things can't happen every day. Though maybe we should be glad for that? 

I hope you enjoy your trip!

[Sarah.VanDistel]

Glad to see your update as usual, and that your life goes well.

I can say that I still can see why you are still wanting that FFS, but your Current presentation obviously put you in female category. If I meet you on a plane, I'd definitely notice you, make a quick evaluation - think oh, this girl either has some military background, is maybe a butch lesbian, or diets too much, but I wouldn't question the girl part.

How is your hair growing? It's been quite some time, you might have enough length now to style it, no?


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Oh Elkie!

I laughed so much while reading your post! [emoji23] Your quick evaluation was hilarious (butch lesbian... lol)! [emoji23] Thanks for your honest thought process - it was really helpful! Well, being classified in the female category is already a big conquest. Anyways, I'm also glad that you see the reason why I so much long for FFS. Brow ridge, nose and jaw (and superior lip) are my big concerns and I think that correcting these elements will be truly life-changing.

As I've already mentioned, since I was little I've always tried to be very discrete and being easily noticed is definitely not my cup of tea... as most of us, I simply wanna be a common woman and just blend. I don't want to be special. [emoji4]

As for my hair, the hair from the grafts is now falling down, so not very pretty and I had to cut the non-transplanted hair because otherwise it would look too masculine.

So for a comparison, this is me in August 2016... I was balding pretty fast. You couldn't even see the hairline!



And this is me 5 minutes ago... Yeah, military length hair, but at least a decently feminine hairline. HRT + finasteride (yes, I know... lol) + minoxidil + topical caffeine have done a lot, of course, but the hair grafts were still needed, especially for the entries on the sides, as well as to increase the hair density in the middle.



I think that my hair is now in optimal conditions for hairline advancement. Besides keeping on with the pharmacological treatments, there's not much more I can do until the surgery. I don't intend to cut it again in the foreseeable future. What do you think?

Hugs, Sarah


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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Great hearing from you Sarah! Sadly exciting things can't happen every day. Though maybe we should be glad for that? 

I hope you enjoy your trip!

Hi Sarah! Thanks! Yes, I agree, the best things in life can't happen everyday... we have to go through less good moments in order to appreciate the really great ones! [emoji4]

Hugs, Sarah

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[Saira128]

Oh Elkie!

I laughed so much while reading your post! [emoji23] Your quick evaluation was hilarious (butch lesbian... lol)! [emoji23] Thanks for your honest thought process - it was really helpful! Well, being classified in the female category is already a big conquest. Anyways, I'm also glad that you see the reason why I so much long for FFS. Brow ridge, nose and jaw (and superior lip) are my big concerns and I think that correcting these elements will be truly life-changing.

As I've already mentioned, since I was little I've always tried to be very discrete and being easily noticed is definitely not my cup of tea... as most of us, I simply wanna be a common woman and just blend. I don't want to be special. [emoji4]

As for my hair, the hair from the grafts is now falling down, so not very pretty and I had to cut the non-transplanted hair because otherwise it would look too masculine.

So for a comparison, this is me in August 2016... I was balding pretty fast. You couldn't even see the hairline!



And this is me 5 minutes ago... Yeah, military length hair, but at least a decently feminine hairline. HRT + finasteride (yes, I know... lol) + minoxidil + topical caffeine have done a lot, of course, but the hair grafts were still needed, especially for the entries on the sides, as well as to increase the hair density in the middle.



I think that my hair is now in optimal conditions for hairline advancement. Besides keeping on with the pharmacological treatments, there's not much more I can do until the surgery. I don't intend to cut it again in the foreseeable future. What do you think?

Hugs, Sarah


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Oh my God!! Wow!! You have a feminine hairline now!! Way to go Girl!!
      And even with the short hair, you absolutely look like a woman.
       I want to start finasteride too as soon as possible.
         Was the hair transplant very expensive?


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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Oh my God!! Wow!! You have a feminine hairline now!! Way to go Girl!!
      And even with the short hair, you absolutely look like a woman.
       I want to start finasteride too as soon as possible.
         Was the hair transplant very expensive?


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Hi Saira!

Thanks! The hair transplant cost around 4000€ for 6000 grafts (procedure takes 2 days), including 3 nights stay, excluding trip to Budapest, Hungary.

Now I just have to wait patiently... [emoji413]

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[Saira128]

Hi Saira!

Thanks! The hair transplant cost around 4000€ for 6000 grafts (procedure takes 2 days), including 3 nights stay, excluding trip to Budapest, Hungary.

Now I just have to wait patiently... [emoji413]

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Your photo in your profile picture, are you wearing a wig? Because you have a nice head of hair in that pic compared to you pre-transition photo.


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[Sarah.VanDistel]

Your photo in your profile picture, are you wearing a wig? Because you have a nice head of hair in that pic compared to you pre-transition photo.


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Lol... Is that really a question, Saira? [emoji849] Of course it's a wig! Why in the world would I need hair grafts if I had such a hair? I wish... Well, with a little luck and a lot of care, I may, some day, have a nice and real head of hair. To tell you the truth, I really like how I look in my wig, but after a few hours it becomes a little uncomfortable. In the summer, it's probably unbearable... But cute nonetheless... [emoji136]

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