I'm sorry, Nancy, but this is pretty common.
I give you my experience as a warning tale, a story of what happens if two partners cannot communicate and agree on a shared path to accommodate both partners.
I initially just went to therapy as Michelle, changing under strict protocols laid down by my spouse. I was challenged in an early session to do something more as Michelle, so I hit a Starbucks after the session. The world failed to end.
Over the next several weeks, I ran errands, did grocery shopping, even went out to breakfast after an early session as Michelle. The world still kept on spinning. I was almost never misgendered.
My spouse went out of town for several days. Michelle never had to change back to him for this period.
The relief from the gender dysphoria when I was Michelle was significant. When HRT was added, I thought I was euphoric from the meds. No, my therapist just pointed out that all that had happened was that, likely for the first time in many years, my depression and anxiety scores were in the 'normal well-adjusted person' range. It wasn't euphoria,but how I was SUPPOSED to feel.
The downside was that when I was forced to set this aside, to give up being myself and live under house rules as him again, the dysphoria intensified. The depression and anxiety would come crashing in. I'd come home and have to change back to him, and would find myself curled up on the office sofa crying.
My spouse, out of fear that friends or neighbors would see, tightened the rules further, and
last October told me I would have to leave. (That tale is unfinished, and documented in that long thread.). I left, and immediately went full-time.
This can be really, really hard to deal with. I would strongly encourage the both of you to communicate better, and try, really try joint therapy sessions. Nancy wants out, very badly, and suppressing your inner self is only going to get harder over time. The two of you will need to come to a better accommodation.
