I told my wife...

[Marcieelizabeth]

I know everyone who has/had a spouse has been through this, but it is the most frightening thing I have ever done or said! But I needed to tell her before I could start with a therapist. 

I did NOT tell her that transition was inevitable though I think it is probable more and more every day.  She did not run away and had a feeling something was going on.  Had no idea this was what it was though. She is mulling it she says and has not said much other than that and I should make the appointment! I fear losing her more than not following through on who I am!

Pretty confused and unsure!

Love and Hugs Marcie

[arice]

Good luck! Keep talking to her as best as you can. Hopefully she will be supportive and accepting.  It's definitely stressful for both you and your spouse.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

[Paige]

Hope it goes well for you and your wife Marcie. 
Paige

[Emily R]

I came to my wife 3 years ago as a crossdresser, which is what i thought I was, and she was accepting.  Then I realized that there was more to it and told her that for the first time in my life I wanted to go see a therapist.

After 3 visits and confirming that I have always been transgender, I told my wife and due to the fact that we are just over 60 and have been together for an eternity, she agreed in staying together as partners/friends.  We had a lot of tears over months and I regrets; still have not completely transitioned but the other day she surprised me and said she could not wait for all of it to be over!

Wish you the best of luck with your wife and it could be easier is she likes to experiment and is open minded!

Emily

[HappyMoni]

Marcie,
I know this step was incredibly hard for you. It can go a number of ways for you, of course, but keep in mind that the feelings you had to make you tell her were incredibly strong. I really think the dsyphoria gave you no choice even if u find yourself second guessing. There was a distance between you two that the keeping of this secret kept alive. Iam hoping you will be able to celebrate the relief that removing that secret can allow. More than that, I hope you can move forward in a positive way to step away from that limbo you were in. Talk later!
Moni

[Kendra]

Marcie, I am so excited for you!  And best possible hopes for the future. 

[Laurie]

Hi Marcie,

I too want to congratulate you for taking this difficult step. I know it was not easy to do. Your wife taking the time to "mull it over" is not a bad sign. It means she values your relationship and wants it to continue but is unsure how to take this important revelation. You grew up learning to cope with your differences but she hasn't had that opportunity and now must assess what it means for her and your relationship. Give her the time she needs and by all means be honest with her if she asks for more information. The same goes for when you talk to your therapist when the time comes. Honesty and openness are now your watch words.

Hope all goes well on both fronts.

Hugs,
   Laurtie

[Cheaney]

Marcie, I'm in about the same place with my wife. I told her before my GT appt and she received the initial news really well. But she is also fighting it too. And it kills me to know she's struggling with it so much. Almost as much as I'm struggling with it. Certainly know the feelings of euphoria in "figuring it out" but the pain that's caused by it for our spouses.

[Marcieelizabeth]

Hi Marcie,

I too want to congratulate you for taking this difficult step. I know it was not easy to do. Your wife taking the time to "mull it over" is not a bad sign. It means she values your relationship and wants it to continue but is unsure how to take this important revelation. You grew up learning to cope with your differences but she hasn't had that opportunity and now must assess what it means for her and your relationship. Give her the time she needs and by all means be honest with her if she asks for more information. The same goes for when you talk to your therapist when the time comes. Honesty and openness are now your watch words.

Hope all goes well on both fronts.

Hugs,
   Laurtie

Thanks Laurie -

I am setting up appointments now with a therapist.  I felt like I had to tell my wife first - it felt dishonest to go to therapy without her knowing.  And great advise about honesty - I did not dump everything on my wife all at once, so not dishonest but protective.  I hedged a bit about how strong the feelings are because without talking to a therapist it is hard to know where this will go and I thought that telling her I was transgender was enough.  I know how I feel, and how long I have hidden this, but I did not know what I was hiding until recently, for her It IS brand new and something she never had on her radar.  It must be a shock! I told her I am still me, I still love her and want her to be on this journey and us to still be us no matter what...all hard things to translate for her I am sure. If not for some on this site and a friend who is non-binary I would be in a looney bin right now.  So thanks! 

Love and Hugs Marcie

[Marcieelizabeth]

Marcie, I am so excited for you!  And best possible hopes for the future.

Thanks Kendra! 


Congratulations to you too!  You told your parents and I know that was not easy! 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[Marcieelizabeth]

Marcie, I'm in about the same place with my wife. I told her before my GT appt and she received the initial news really well. But she is also fighting it too. And it kills me to know she's struggling with it so much. Almost as much as I'm struggling with it. Certainly know the feelings of euphoria in "figuring it out" but the pain that's caused by it for our spouses.
[/quotI]

I am right there with you!  It is hard to realize that if I am struggling with it she must be struggling with it even more.  But I am hoping that the love we share is enough to carry us through it together.  The one hope I have is that we can still be us - a different us, but still us.  The kids still do nto know so that is another struggle altogether!

Love and Hugs, Marcie

[JoanneB]

One of the most difficult things I ever did was telling my wife/BFF/Reality therapist and soul mate of many decades that this whole "I'm just a CD" thing got ratcheted up a few notches. During the ensuing months we had A LOT of the much needed and very difficult conversations as we both tried to get a handle on what is happening. I had, and still don't, no clear answers on where this path will lead some 8 years along it.

Open and honest communication is crucial to preserving the relationship. Listen to the message and not the words that often come out unfiltered during periods of high emotional stress. And just like anything else in life "I Don't Know" is a perfectly valid answer, especially now as you take these first few baby steps. How you feel tomorrow about things will change. It's the human condition. There will be Up's & Down's as well as the likelihood of  "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns

A good TG Support group helped me more then anything else. Nothing can come close to being in a room full of people and hearing and seeing others whose feelings and stories are much like yours yet different. A for real gender therapist is also good for interjecting reality and asking the hard question you want to avoid thinking about.

[maybeventually]

It's great to have someone that you can feel safe enough to come out to. The road ahead is rough, whether you stay together or if it happens to end. When I came out to my girlfriend she was nothing but supportive. At the time I said that it was something I never wanted to go through with, although I could feel those words having less truth behind them in the few weeks that followed. You truly do need to love yourself before you can show total love for someone else. Hopefully the person you are while exploring your identity is worth staying with! Best of luck with your relationship and yourself!

[KageNiko]

Hey Marcie, so far it sounds like your spouse is able to control her emotions to a degree, and that's a good sign!  I hope you can work together with love and find a good place for the both of you.  Divorce is not always 100% - she married you for you, and if your body changes, you're still you, you just look different!

Of course, there's the physical attraction part as well.  My wife isn't physically attracted to females, and so I'm working on the whole "love" part right now so that when I do come out to her she might decide she loves me enough to stay with me.
So keep working on finding out what works for the both of you.  Make sure she knows how important she is to you.  Make sure she knows that you care about her well being through out the whole process, and that your transition is HER transition too.  In other words, make sure she knows that it's not ALL about you!

Love and best wishes,
Ashley!

[HappyMoni]

Hi Marcie,
   I want to say I think you are doing a lot of the right things. I am proud of you. Now, work on that meeting time and place. With your lost critters I am not coming over there.
Moni

[LindseyP]

Good luck, Marcie.  I see a lot of similar themes for stories in here.  I think my wife blamed herself a little bit because every time she would give an inch it would just seem I needed more.  The truth is, I never really knew exactly what I needed.  I liked to pretend I didn't need it, but that was a lie to both myself and her.   

Best advice I can give based on that is to look it in the eye.  Give yourself permission to not understand every aspect of what is going on.  For me, I knew how I felt but I did not know what it meant, how to describe it, or that my understanding of things wouldn't change.  I made my therapy appointment after having a mini-breakdown while on the road for work.  I brought my wife up to speed when I got home, although it took a long time after that for my wife to truly understand how much pain I was in that awful night.  She's come to my therapy sessions every 6 months or so and that has been helpful to keep communications up and to let her hear things from someone other than me.  Somehow that makes it more real. 

Make your wife feel important and know that you think she matters and that her feelings matter.  It is an emotional trap to concentrate just on my own issues and I have tried to remind myself about this every step of the way.  She does not always understand, but together we are trying to make it work.  I wish you the best in trying to pursue that for yourself and your wife.

[Marcieelizabeth]

Good luck, Marcie.  I see a lot of similar themes for stories in here.  I think my wife blamed herself a little bit because every time she would give an inch it would just seem I needed more.  The truth is, I never really knew exactly what I needed.  I liked to pretend I didn't need it, but that was a lie to both myself and her.   

Best advice I can give based on that is to look it in the eye.  Give yourself permission to not understand every aspect of what is going on.  For me, I knew how I felt but I did not know what it meant, how to describe it, or that my understanding of things wouldn't change.  I made my therapy appointment after having a mini-breakdown while on the road for work.  I brought my wife up to speed when I got home, although it took a long time after that for my wife to truly understand how much pain I was in that awful night.  She's come to my therapy sessions every 6 months or so and that has been helpful to keep communications up and to let her hear things from someone other than me.  Somehow that makes it more real. 

Make your wife feel important and know that you think she matters and that her feelings matter.  It is an emotional trap to concentrate just on my own issues and I have tried to remind myself about this every step of the way.  She does not always understand, but together we are trying to make it work.  I wish you the best in trying to pursue that for yourself and your wife.

Thank You Lindsey!  it is great advise to bew sure to consider my souses thoughts and emotions every step of the way!

[gallinarosa]

Good luck, Marcie! You sound very respectful of your relationship and your wife will appreciate those gestures. See if your gender therapist will see the two of you together and her alone if she thinks that will be helpful to her. I know going just a few times made me feel better (both getting to know the therapist he'd be seeing, and knowing she was there for me as well). Not sure if this helps, but I told my TG spouse not to necessarily dump everything on me at once, but if I *did* ask a question, it was because I was ready to hear the answer. This "rule" has helped us develop a healthy pace to move forward.

Hope it is going well!

[Marcieelizabeth]

Good luck, Marcie! You sound very respectful of your relationship and your wife will appreciate those gestures. See if your gender therapist will see the two of you together and her alone if she thinks that will be helpful to her. I know going just a few times made me feel better (both getting to know the therapist he'd be seeing, and knowing she was there for me as well). Not sure if this helps, but I told my TG spouse not to necessarily dump everything on me at once, but if I *did* ask a question, it was because I was ready to hear the answer. This "rule" has helped us develop a healthy pace to move forward.

Hope it is going well!

Thanks! We have not talked a lot about it since, but a few times, I know it will take time to sink in and lead to the many questions!  In fact we "Have to talk tonight" according to her - so we will see - I will take any prayers or good thoughts leading into this talk...! 

Hugs and Love, Marcie

[gallinarosa]

In fact we "Have to talk tonight" according to her - so we will see - I will take any prayers or good thoughts leading into this talk...! 

Good thoughts were sent... did they help? Me and mine had another great talk last night. I am so glad both of us love to talk. For us, I think it is the magic ingredient that makes everything right -- and the glue that holds it all together! I hope your talk was helpful as well!