Hello,
I have been transitioning by coming out as a cross dresser and a woman for fifteen years. I have also been clean and sober for twenty five years. I graduated college, got married, and earned a pension sober as a man who was obviously in the closet. My wife helped me to express my being a woman and is instrumental in my transition. Recovery in NY went a little crazy with the LGBT civil rights movement, less about suit up and show up and committing to service, and more about One Day at a Time don't pick up the first one. One Day at a Time I can live, and be a woman at 51. I can love my breasts and dream of loving a vagina which is mine. I lost contact with all of my childhood peers, but in my case that was going to happen anyway by not drinking or drugging. I read many self help books, and feminist, and gender theory. If only Bill and Bob were alive to witness one of their oldtimers transition herself to be the woman of her choice.
I stay close to the psychology of being transgender. How I did not live up to male roles, or how I had to have my own roles. How I felt my role models all failed me. How I turned to drugs and was abused in my confusion. By staying close to telling my story, how my wife is our family Doctor and how my transition was done in consent with her approval. Knowing my family of origin tries to, but doesn't really approve, and in that sense doesn't fully accept embracing me as their family.
My story is I was born intelligent, creative, feminine, and learned strong communication skills. I did not ever understand male leadership, since women in my life took the responsibility of my general welfare and well being. Emotionally I was upset, being attractive but inexperienced, in fact my wife was the first women, and only women I have had intercourse with. Was I, or am I Gay the answer is both yes and know. As my wife and I have have opened up the marriage to gay male lovers. However sexually, I am aroused by the post lesbian sex I have with my wife. We each have different roles. While she leads and the family seeks her permission for events and situations. I have been a more loyal wife, and guardian of the family, recovery, and spiritual principles to live by.
Yes I commit to service but it is on a spiritual plane, to open myself up as a woman, who may or may not be queer, and to all MtF 's who have lost touch with that dynamic that penetrates their human heart. Being Male to Female is very human, and as we are all prone to making mistakes I believe allowing our energy to fill the universe is what being a woman is all about. It is a universe that is both internal and external, but it is not just theory we have to live it.
