Is this common when making the decision to transition?

[Randy1980]

So this past Sunday after much back and forth and fighting with depression I decided enough is enough and made the decision to transition..once I finally decided that a huge weight was lifted off me and I have been happy all week with no real depression a lot of fear for what is to come but I'm happy.. but now I'm having a battle in my head my female side is wanting out badly.. my male side on the other hand is fighting back telling me lies like we'll your happy right now maybe you can figure out a way to handle this and fight it and not go through all the hardship of transition.. my male side is telling me things like your crazy what are you thinking. He's telling me things like your accepted now your going to hurt your family and be judged the rest of your life your going to make life hard on yourself intentionally.. just a whole bunch of stuff to try and stop me ..but I have been down that road before.he has talked me out of it many times before.. so I feel like my female side needs to force me to transition even if I have doubts or feel like I can't she needs to win. I talked to my wife about this and told her the battle I'm having.. she has seen me go through this and knows transition is my only option to find happiness.. because I know if I don't I'm going to continue this cirkle of trying to fight it I lose then depression hits over and over getting worse each time..I see my gt today to start the process to get on horemones I will bring this up to her.. is this pretty common to have this battle or should I resolve this battle before moving on to transition.. should she be having to force the transition or should I be sure in every way before doing it?

[EdLynn]

So this past Sunday after much back and forth and fighting with depression I decided enough is enough and made the decision to transition..once I finally decided that a huge weight was lifted off me and I have been happy all week with no real depression a lot of fear for what is to come but I'm happy.. but now I'm having a battle in my head my female side is wanting out badly.. my male side on the other hand is fighting back telling me lies like we'll your happy right now maybe you can figure out a way to handle this and fight it and not go through all the hardship of transition.. my male side is telling me things like your crazy what are you thinking. He's telling me things like your accepted now your going to hurt your family and be judged the rest of your life your going to make life hard on yourself intentionally.. just a whole bunch of stuff to try and stop me ..but I have been down that road before.he has talked me out of it many times before.. so I feel like my female side needs to force me to transition even if I have doubts or feel like I can't she needs to win. I talked to my wife about this and told her the battle I'm having.. she has seen me go through this and knows transition is my only option to find happiness.. because I know if I don't I'm going to continue this cirkle of trying to fight it I lose then depression hits over and over getting worse each time..I see my gt today to start the process to get on horemones I will bring this up to her.. is this pretty common to have this battle or should I resolve this battle before moving on to transition.. should she be having to force the transition or should I be sure in every way before doing it?

Yes, the war in your head is exactly like mine was/is. I am 58 now and have been on HRT for over 2 years now. When I finally made the decision to transition (there is poetry in saying that) I had been solidly thinking about it with a therapist for over a year but the desire to transition was a war for over 40 years.

It was a suicide attempt that made me  realize that I had to make a decision to transition or not.

My female self thankfully won out. It's still an emotional roller coaster but in general I'm happier.

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[Randy1980]

I would imagine it's pretty common I'm 36 and I feel like judging from experience and reading what everyone else has went through that is older than me I know eventually I'm going to do it and I would rather do it while I still have some youth left in me than go through this cycle another 10 years only to do it anyways

[Sophia Sage]

This sounds familiar!

I distinctly remember the moment when that "other" voice finally disappeared. It felt like a "pop" in my head, a moment of self-sacrifice. At the time. Now I realize that the voice was never real, just something I had constructed back when I was a little girl.  (They also wrote me a really condescending letter before they left. Hmmph!)

Anyways, yeah, it's normal to go back and forth internally for a while.  It's a daunting journey -- if anything, the presence of that voice bringing up doubts and fears means you really know what you're about to face.  It's an indication of sanity, I think! 

Transitional steps will clarify the dialogue.  See how you respond to HRT.  See how you respond to be gendered correctly in limited compartmentalized social areas, like the therapist's office and support group, regardless of appearance.  See how you respond to voice training, especially once you start getting results.  See how you respond to electrolysis (really, do zapping and voice now, woman, 'cause it takes so long) and how you look without facial hair.  You can do all this without going full-time, even without coming out to the majority of your social world. 

Transition is a process.  It might seem haphazard and messy, but it can really bring into focus what it is you really need.  And need will win out in the end.  Need can't be "reasoned" away.

[Randy1980]

To be honest though I am completely freaking out and so scared that I'm doing this. I just know there is going to be a really tough road ahead of me. But I'm happy I'm finally finding the courage to do something about it.. and I'm really hoping the mental effects of hrt help to make my decision easier. I can't wait to see how it mentally effects me I hope I have like a complete mental switch like. Light bulb going off I'm really excited to experience the correct hormones in my body

[Randy1980]

It's really nice to hear that the voice does eventually go away I can't wait for that to happen. I just feel like untill then I just have to ignore it and keep going.. no more changing my mind..I feel like I just need to force myself to transition because I know I need to

[Cheaney]

Well you already know my answer, just check the other threads haha. Feeling the same things you are. I finally let all of this out the box I was keeping it in and I can't put it back now. And I probably knew it subconsciously which is why I never opened the box before. Hopefully can start on the path to getting better on Friday with GT! Hang in there...I think we're on the right path. At least we better be lol!

Vicki

[Randy1980]

Yes vickiblue I replied to your last post. Which is what triggered my thought process for this post I'm seeing my gd today so just wanted a little feedback from the community before going in. I think you an I are at the exact same stage in this whole crazy process if you live in Arizona we should totally get in touch for support lol. My gt has a support group monthly so I'm going to the next one so I can make some friends to help me through this I personally don't know anyone who is transgender outside of the internet so I think it will help

[elkie-t]

Maybe it's just fear of unknown? I'm a big advocate to try before you buy approach - try living as a female for a while, maybe take a vacation to a big city, and do everything as a female. Then judge not from fear, but from experience...


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[Randy1980]

Elkie-t I have thought about doing something like that before the problem is I am extremely masculine looking I have a lot of muscle mass and no matter how much makeup I put on and a wig I won't even remotely look like a woman so all I would get out of that is knowing how it feels to walk around a city as a really bad drag queen. I do dress around my wife when the kids aren't around keep my body shaved and everything so that's about all the real life. Experience I'm going to be able to get at this time untill the hrt diet and exercise have time to do there thing. I just don't think walking around looking like a muscle bound man in a dress.. would be considered trying it before you buy it lol. There are those fortunate enough that they can dress and look the part if I was one of them I would totally do what you describe

[elkie-t]

You'll never be stealth passable 100% of time, but you can find a style and looks that makes you sexy and feminine. Work on your style and presentation at home, lose weight, but think about confidence that even if you aren't passing, you must be treated with respect and dignity as another human being. Make your best effort now, see how much work it is to make it. I am sure, people would accept your best presentation if it is good. But you may want to learn to be at ease being out before you start transitioning...

Imagine you start transition, HRT and grid D-size breasts, but not lose your muscle mass? Everyone's mileage varies.... Will you be able to continue to function in that case? Will you be able to keep your job during transition? Will you be ready to put so much effort to look good as a female every day (it really gets boring and routine very soon) and be discounted as not worthy of intelligent opinion by males (male privilege). Are you willing to take all bad that comes with all the good?


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[KathyLauren]

What you are feeling is totally normal.  We all go through it to some degree.  I too felt the reliefe when I decided to transition.  I also felt the fear building as I got closer to my planned transition date.  What made the fear disappear was a session with my therapist where I was discussing my fears.  She was willing to work with me on finding the source of the fear.  But, when I got home, I thought, "That's going to take multiple sessions, and I won't even be able to get another appointment for another three weeks.  And three weeks is when I'm coming out!"  When I realized that I was not going to postpone my planned transition date and that the extra therapy sessions would be a waste of time and money, I knew I had the fears licked.

I still get occasional "WTF am I doing?" moments, but they go away pretty quickly.

[elkie-t]

Speaking of myself (please understand I am not critical one way or another), I am 6'3" and that alone wouldn't make me passable, or ... there are plenty of tell tale signs in me to know I cannot be stealth no matter how many surgeries I'd have.

Yet, I went 16hrs/7 days (anywhere outside my work) for about 6 months. I found great happiness and total acceptance in a city not know for being too liberal (Midwest, average size city). My work is very LGBT-friendly. So, I know I can function during transition and after it. At the moment though, I decided not to. Life isn't greener on the other side


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[Randy1980]

So having that experience helped you to decide not to transition? If you don't mind me asking and if it's not to personal what was it that made you realise you didn't want to transition or that the grass isn't greener on the other side?

[Cheaney]

Yes vickiblue I replied to your last post. Which is what triggered my thought process for this post I'm seeing my gd today so just wanted a little feedback from the community before going in. I think you an I are at the exact same stage in this whole crazy process if you live in Arizona we should totally get in touch for support lol. My gt has a support group monthly so I'm going to the next one so I can make some friends to help me through this I personally don't know anyone who is transgender outside of the internet so I think it will help

I wish I was in Arizona. I need the sunshine!:laugh:

Right on! Having a support group like that would be awesome and I think you'll get a lot of good out of it. I'm in the Midwest and about an hour-hour and a half from most groups near me. Sometimes it's just not possible for me to get there. It's always good to find people going through the same things as you. Lets you know that you aren't alone.

[Charlie Nicki]

The battle is pretty common. I had a crisis of sorts a couple of weeks ago after my first month on spiro. My male side was fighting to keep the status quo as it is and to stop my transition...

Acknowledging that this might happen and will continue to happen is key to our success in our transition. Don't give up and keep in mind that doubting is normal, doubting is human. You've been living 36 years as your male self, of course your mind is afraid of trading the apparent security and familiarity of your male life for uncertainty.

[elkie-t]

So having that experience helped you to decide not to transition? If you don't mind me asking and if it's not to personal what was it that made you realise you didn't want to transition or that the grass isn't greener on the other side?

It calmed me a little As I said, day after day, after the initial excitement of xdressing wears off, it's same life you have to deal with - make sure you pay your bills, spend free time somehow, doing something other than cross dressing. After about half a year, I caught myself thinking, being female outside doesn't make me happy on it's own, I gain more freedom to express myself, but also have to deal with higher standards of upkeep and physical presentation. Not that I minded it, it just didn't made me absolutely happy to break up my family. Would I be alone and 20 years younger, that would be another story, but at the moment - I came to conclusion to continue live as male, unless my family breaks apart from other issues (such as me being bad husband or father, or not really bad, just maybe not good enough). It was a simple cost/benefits analysis for me - I experienced everything as a crossdresser, and without full transition, and lost interest to just wearing female clothes, I would want to be natural, have breasts, female body fat distribution, etc. Essentially my natural next step would be HRT, FFS, GCS.  That would break my family (for me). Great cost, on another hand - outcome is good, but less than what it seems to be when you are in the closet.

Your mileage may vary, this is my story

[MissKairi]

Yup, female side nags in my ear, male side insists in the other.
A week on hormones and there's no nagging or insisting.
I'm just me again.
Whether that is female or male is very bleugh at the moment but I am happy inside my head

[Randy1980]

I saw my therapist yesterday.. and she agreed this is very common.. I got the ball rolling on hrt so I'm hoping that the hormones help to ease the internal battle at least I know it will give the woman inside more strength and ammunition to kick the males as and throw him to the curb. I have a feeling she is going to win

[Charlie Nicki]

I got the ball rolling on hrt so I'm hoping that the hormones help to ease the internal battle

Maybe but it's very likely you will still have moments of "What the heck am I doing?" while on hormones and that's also normal. Your mind is slowly letting go of your old self so it's part of the mourning.